The males’ default habits are not girl-, woman-, wife-, or even family-friendly. Females either program males around their defaults, or else husbands and fathers flop around eager to escape domestic responsibility and ‘confinement’.
Her nature craves togetherness; his craves independence. Men have little natural interest in yielding independence to fulfill female dreams for paired-up closeness.
Men need at least two foundations to rise above their default settings: (1) Unconditional respect for the female gender equal to or greater than respect for the male sex. (2) Appreciation and gratefulness for what a woman brings to partnership, home, and family above and beyond what he expects his woman to do for him.
Males have little or no natural interest in learning such things. They react and rely on the winning hormones of dominance. Except for mom’s nurturing before about age seven, males resent being taught directly by females. Of course, it ain’t fair. It’s Nature in all its permanence.
Before puberty, dad’s leadership and female teachers’ inputs help, but not as effectively.
Indirect methods of teaching, influencing, and persuading work beautifully, when hidden beneath the superior ‘weapons’ in the female arsenal. Weapons such as hard-headedness before marriage, soft-heartedness after marriage, charm, guile, and expectations for higher standards and living up to something greater than Self.
A man learns permanently, when he draws his own conclusions. It applies both throughout life and the four-phase process that helps females breathe longevity into husbands.
1. Dedicated parents civilize boys for family life. Primarily, and for greater effectiveness, mother nurtures in the weans, father leads by example in the tweens, and both coach in the teens. (Details in posts titled Weans, tweens, & teens)
2. Girls use crossed legs to tame hormonal urges. What boys can’t conquer— whether girl or mountaintop—signals virtue, earns respect, and energizes determination to conquer. (Details in posts titled Chaste courtship works.)
3. Marrying-age women reject men for unmarried sex until manly devotion to one woman reveals husbandly potential. (Details in posts titled Virtual Virginity and others.)
4. Finally, cooperative wives domesticate husbands for home life. They compensate for whatever shortcomings their man brings to the mix. (Details in posts titled The high cost of cheap sex and others.)
Males need mental adjustments throughout life to help fulfill female hopes, dreams, and expectations for family life. God designed and Nature makes females as the relationship experts. So, the responsibility for good husbanding and fathering falls to them, as both individuals and sisters in Womanhood.
[Part I about lifelong husbands appears as post 304.]
Guy hi,
Please could you define and explain ‘indirectness’ and how exactly do I apply the statement below practically? e.g. say I feel I was treated with disrespect by a guy I’m dating and I EXPECT him to apologise and he doesn’t (except for a texted apology). If I don’t contact him until he does just that, wouldn’t that behaviour (on my part) be perceived as being “in his face” and wanting to “win the argument?”
“Indirect methods of teaching, influencing, and persuading work beautifully, when hidden beneath the superior ‘weapons’ in the female arsenal. Weapons such as hard-headedness before marriage, soft-heartedness after marriage, charm, guile, and expectations for higher standards and living up to something greater than Self.”
Thanks in advance,
N.B. tryingtounderstandurside said, and I quote, “Thanks to all the women who replied today. I don’t know if it’s my generation or the writing style but sometimes I just don’t understand the post. When you reply with examples from your lives it helps me.”
I think it’s our generation that makes it difficult to understand the post. Does the advice work? Well, it’s scary sometimes to apply it (what if I get dumped?) I say, FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY!!! Rather get dumped than end up with less than I deserve.
Your Princessness Thoko,
Please don’t take offense. I bob and weave around your questions to cite three dilemmas facing you.
First dilemma: You were treated disrespectfully. The best response is to show and keep showing him greater self-respect. That’s the most important battle you need to win. Remember, a man’s love is based on respect for a woman. Your man’s disrespect shows he may not be Mr. Good Enough for you. On the other hand, you may not have shown him enough self-respect.
Second dilemma: Somehow he knew an apology was due. So, he chose a method that either lets him save face, or he felt it was adequate for who you are in his life. The former compliments you. The latter shows some lack of respect for you. So, that garden needs weeding, but it will take time that you must buy and tools that you must develop.
Third dilemma: Your sensibilities were offended by his method of delivery. Whatever the method, to him the apology was adequate and should close the issue. Since texted apologies offend your sensibilities, and I see no reason why they shouldn’t, then you need to teach him better.
Wise women make men learn and step up to their sensibilities rather than knuckle under to masculine tastes. BTW a woman’s sensibilities reinforce both self-respect and a man’s regard for her sensitiveness, which translates as respect for her whether he shows it or not.
You fear correctly. Your silence would be too direct and likely offend him. Not that he doesn’t deserve it, but it may cost you too much. He doesn’t understand your standards and expectations, so he needs teaching. That’s where indirectness comes in. It means take time, use patience, and have a forgiving spirit.
Don’t take this as advice but as an example of directly being indirect. How about texting something akin to this: “I accept your apology, but can we sometime in the future discuss how certain apologies mean more to me?” If he says “sure,” then proceed very cautiously, because you’ve raised his suspicions. If he’s silent or dodges the question, drop the subject and drop or accept him as is.
Guy
Love you always. Thanks. My love too to Her Royal Highness Grace.
Guy,
I don’t mean to hog the space. Sorry.
I meant to add that most of the info here is meant for married females. You advise that whilst dating a female should be hardheaded. So, I take it that how a married woman reacts to husband’s insensitivity would be different to a woman who is courting a guy because if she doesn’t call a guy out on his behaviour whilst they are courting, she loses her self-respect.
Could you write more posts for the dating crowd? Please? It’s a jungle out there.
Your Ladyship Thoko,
Have you looked at the series on dating? The numbers are listed in the CONTENTS page at blog top. Have a great read.
Guy
I’m saying a prayer for you Thoko that you’ll be able to get this all sorted out.
PS. Careful not to let his good looks get the better of you! I know this is hard. Take care sweetie.
If you are just dating him, why aren’t you dating others? Dating doesn’t equal committed. Are you finding other things (hint, hint) to take up your time?
I am trying to get the whole idea about “Lifetime husbands” but I can’t find Part I and Part III.
Could you drop links here?
Your Highness GenuineWoman,
Don’t know how to link it for you, but the one below may work. What should work if it doesn’t is to search for article “304.” at blog home or find title and click on the 304 number in CONTENTS page.
http://wwnh.wordpress.com/2008/08/31/304-lifelong-husbands%e2%80%94made-not-born-%e2%80%94-part-i/
Guy