Jessica prompted this post when she asked: “Other than gratitude…how does a woman show respect for a man?” Many posts address respect after marriage, so this is mostly for singles.
I had two short and one lengthy reaction. First, men don’t seek respect as women know it. They seek whatever confirms their self-respect. The difference is big.
Second, one doesn’t think about ‘showing respect’ for a man. One has it or not, and it shows in their attitude, which flows out of their heart.
My third response is more complex. Women can generate respect for men or a man in many ways. To do so, they should:
♥ Respect men by doing what feminists condemn, so women might try the opposite of what feminists preach. (For example, see Dark Side of Feminism posts in CONTENTS page.)
♥ Exploit their natural female preference for indirectness and abandon whatever they may have picked up of the male preference for directness. Men prefer to figure things out compared to having them presented on a platter. However, indirectness requires patience and fails under ‘right now’ pressures.
♥ Recognize his dominance as dependable. It’s his nature, however much he reveals, and women can’t change it. By exploiting his dominance, a woman shows respect. If his dominance offends or appears unacceptable, then dump him.
♥ Identify domains in their relationship that the man claims as his responsibility. Don’t interfere there. Accept his leadership in those domains, and identify the domains left for her sterling leadership. Clarify responsibilities to eliminate confusion and conflict. (Women are the relationship expert and best qualified to accomplish this latter task. Honor his various roles, and it adds to his self-respect. He earned it.)
♥ Rely on him as important before marriage and vital afterward. He sees his role as producer, provider, protector, and problem solver. Her endorsements show respect.
♥ Act independent and free of him before marriage. The harder a male works to capture a female, the more his self-respect grows with each step of progress.
♥ Act dependent on and beholden to him after marriage. Monogamous devotion and dependency on him shows respect. He no longer expects to have to earn it, because he earned the max before he married her. After marriage, her gratefulness for who he is and what he does is the indirect reflection of respect that he expects.
♥ Compete with him before marriage but cooperate afterward. This role reversal is critical to catching and keeping a man. By her affirming and filling both roles, she broadcasts respect for him.
♥ Rely not on gratitude. It has limited effects, because men don’t need it like women do. Too eager expressions of gratefulness appear phony, and women try too hard and do this much of the time.
♥ Acknowledge this: She will know how to respect a man, after she learns how to keep one.
If she thinks about showing respect, she probably does wrong. She’s trying too hard. Showing respect reflects automatically from her attitude—that is, from her heart—and not from her mind.
Wow! Thanks for answering my question with great detail.
Compete before the ring, cooperate after…gottcha :0)
Guy, here you say for a woman to be grateful for what does and who he is, then further down you say not to rely on it too much because men don’t need it. I’m confused.
Your majesty Theresa,
Beg pardon for lack of clarity. I’ll quote the causes and respond:
“After marriage, her gratefulness for who he is and what he does is the indirect reflection of respect that he expects.” Translate your confusion into this: Gratefulness is an essential element of respect but not the whole of it for him.
“Rely not on gratitude. It has limited effects, because men don’t need it like women do.” Translate it into this: Gratefulness does not show him enough respect. For their selves, women do more to earn gratitude than to earn respect. Men are the opposite.
Let me know if not clear.
Guy
Please describe how a woman specifically competes with a man before marriage.
Your Exceptionalness Love Like No Other,
She refuses to easily buy into his desires, decisions, and domination. She’s independent and doesn’t need him; he has to persuade her, and it’s never easy for him. Her HardToGet spirit applies to things other than sex.
If she’s interested in him, she does all this with feminine charm and pleasantness, modest appeal and apparel, interest in him shown as indirectly as possible, and determination that earns his respect.
If he’s interested in her, she exacts a price for progress that includes seeing him change to meet her expectations of the man she’ll marry. (It takes a long chaste courtship for him to develop new habits relating to and with her.)
Also, one event haunts their dating and courtship: Their first sex together. Everything changes after he conquers her. Before that, he tolerates her competing with him and expects it about sex. After that he expects dependence and cooperation instead of her independence and competition.
Guy
Guy, thank you for cooperating with grace (and Grace
). My generation was cheated out of the path to happiness that our grandmothers naturally knew how to find. It seems silly but I have basically had no concept of how to interact with men like you describe. I am sensing you are faithfully reflecting Truth. One thing, though, if the man is extremely competitive by nature and responds with aggravation to your differences in opinion when you are working towards something together, isn’t he more likely to be turned off towards you in general rather than growing in respect towards you?
Your Highness Love Like No Other,
If he responds with aggravation to your differences of opinion, it signals lack of respect for you. And that may flow from your lack of self-respect instead of his extreme competitiveness.
Unfortunately, each aggravated response reinforces conviction of his rightness and your wrongness. Working towards something together may in fact be working apart.
It could also be something else. Don’t know and don’t want to know your status but keep this in mind: A man accepts a woman as competitor before he conquers her. After that, he expects only cooperation. If she violates the roles he expects her to fill, aggravation easily sets in. That is, she challenges him. Unjustifiably, as he sees it.
Guy
Dear Sir Guy,
Could you kindly give some examples of how a woman rely on a man before marriage? Since a woman should remain independent before marriage, how does she show reliance while maintaining an air of independence?
Thank you!
Your Highness Sbaby,
• She’s moving and needs help with everything that weighs more than a small toddler.
• Wouldn’t she feel much better if a man accompanies her to church? Men seem well accomplished interpreting the Bible, and she likes to have some verses explained better than explained in church.
• Problems with the car? She knows nothing. Problems getting somewhere? She doesn’t know maps or how to GPS it.
• She is meeting his friends tonight. She’s reserved, stays close to him, and looks at him admiringly when he speaks to others.
• She draws a firm line but lets him figure it out instead of telling him directly: Sex is out but he is IN with her!
• Have standards that teach rather than discourage. For example, let him know she needs early notice of dates. She asks his expectations of the level of dress is appropriate for HIM at the events that he plans. She dresses and look prettier just because she’ll be seeing him.
Is that what you had in mind? If you’re not yet the relationship expert you wish to be, re-study the article above and develop some new ideas. The thought process will help immensely.
Guy
Great List!