For altar-seeking females the primary purpose of first date is to be asked for the second. His asking does much to shape the outcome.
The lead up to first date provides insight into how the male mind works. Once the asking is over, the game changes.
© Asking for first date is riskier for a man than asking for sex during the date. It becomes even riskier, if he aspires to swim in water over his head—that is, she’s more attractive than he thinks he deserves.
© Men seek to reduce risk, but they thrive on it when the goal is attractive enough. Working this tendency backward: The riskier the endeavor, the greater his satisfaction for achieving what he was after. This adds value to and respect for her.
© What makes asking riskier? Mystery, feminine mystique, female modesty, unique femaleness, unpredictability, super attractiveness, self-respect, self-confidence, super friendliness, apparent independence, no apparent interest in him as a partner.
© Rejection for a date is a public rebuke, even if no one else witnesses it. Her ‘No’ implies she has privately quantified and qualified his shortcomings. Now, someone important enough to ask out has drawn conclusions about which he knows little or nothing. Higher risk yet if he expects their paths to cross again.
By comparison, rejection for sex is a low risk and private event. It’s her hang ups and not his shortcomings. If he’s good enough for first date, she okayed him for sex. Or so he reasons.
Two more posts follow about asking for first date: 489 and 491.
6 Comments
03/02/2009 at 11:58 pm
“…It becomes even riskier, if he aspires to swim in water over his head—that is, she’s more attractive than he thinks he deserves…”
You see because I am an average looking woman- this sort of thing gets me in a despair so deep that I run back to the safety of my feminist thought to save me from the pain of the fear that I may be too ugly for any good man to pursure- BUT then I remember my favorite book in the whole world! (next to the bible that is) and it s the RULES.
i know that Even if I am not a Marilyn monroe, Angelina Jolie or Beyonce. I can and will pull a quality man if I follow tyhe Rules or as Guy puts it- “Hard to get and virtual virginity.”
Princess Dawn,
Sorry to trigger your despair. You probably focused on ‘more attractive’ when emphasis should be on ‘more than he thinks he deserves’.
Many men think any woman is more attractive than they deserve. Duplicating the mistake of women, however, they keep looking for Ms. Right. They are ripe for the plucking by a charming, pleasant, attractively appearing Ms. Good Enough.
You can’t be average to yourself, because it’s unstable. It pushes you to find more shortcomings. So, present yourself as above average to yourself and then to others. It only takes a slight move off dead center to shift focus to the upside, toward expanding one’s blessings.
Guy
03/09/2009 at 11:58 pm
I have to disagree with your assertion that men prefer it when a woman shows “no apparent interest in him as a partner.”
Some guys are a little shy around women whom they like. I personally appreciate it when a woman does something to make me think she in interested in me, such as to initiate sustained eye contact. I’m not even referring to the bar scene – I mean in typical public place such as a gym or even at a grocery store.
How else is a guy supposed to know that a woman likes him if she doesn’t do something to catch his eye?
Duskin,
You’re absolutely right, but it makes asking for first date less risky. The quote you cite goes the other way. It finishes the answer to the first sentence of the paragraph: “What makes asking riskier?”
Guy
03/10/2009 at 6:52 pm
So a female should strive to be a risky bet? And how can a woman be “super friendly” while maintaininy mystery?
Princess EasyBreezy,
First answer: The context is his asking for first date. If she chooses to be a ‘risky bet’, she will attract bigger risk takers to screen, judge, and fit into her plans. If good men, it’s beneficial.
Second answer: Friendly about impersonal things when approached, but unfriendly about the personal. Think of how a pastor’s wife would do it. Outgoing on the surface, but closed up inside.
Guy
05/26/2009 at 2:37 pm
Outgoing on the outside and closed up inside…
Not long ago a male family friend said that I am “a little reserved”. We are friends and I enjoy his company so I am friendly with him… yet he calls me reserved? Wasn’t it Jane Austen who wrote that one cannot love a reserved person? Yikes.
My standards of propriety ARE different from today’s “do all, tell all, and show all” culture. I want to maintain my natural mystery, mystique and modesty… but I do not want to be seen as “hard to know, cool, reticent”.
Is it a fine line between mysterious and reserved? Or maybe this is just an example of the clash between feminine and feminist behaviors.
Thoughts?
Your Highness LB,
It’s not a fine line but an amorphous separation. Differences are vague and interpreted differently by individuals. Being unpredictable makes it appear as clashes.
If he’s the only one to call you “a little reserved,” don’t take it to heart. Reserved helps keep your natural hard-headedness and soft-heartedness in balance. Anyway, it’s only one man’s opinion.
Guy
PS. You may be asking the wrong questions. What’s his view of your friendship?
G.
05/26/2009 at 2:38 pm
One more thing…
Why do I have a muzzle on? A scary leather one at that….
05/26/2009 at 8:25 pm
LB- I have had the same problem in the past. Shy and reserved in real life until they get to know me.