© Repeatedly refused sex by one woman brings out both the best and worst in a man. This enables females to identify Mr. Good Enough and condition his thinking and shape his interests into potential Mr. Right.
© As Emerson said: The world turns on hope. Her relationships always spin, plunge, and soar on hope. Virtual virginity shifts his life from hope for sex to hope for her.
© Her personal policy of virtual virginity should not be disclosed to those that know her. It works better as private commitment to Self. “Not now” leaves a man with hope. “I’m saving myself for marriage” discourages and may destroy all hope before he gets to really know her.
© Old school values promote maturity before sex, the feminine way. Moderns go for sex before maturity, the masculine way.
© Modern dating, courtship, and marriage build on sex values and expectations developed as immature and sexually active teenagers. Being in charge matures a person, and virtual virginity puts her in charge of his conquering efforts.
© A woman primarily committed to virtual virginity strengthens herself against the masculine strategy of ‘vague and unavailable’. If someone becomes a fool, let it be him.
“I’m saving myself for marriage” When should this come out? I try hard to reveal this before about 2 months. My friends know…this is a mistake I have made in the past. They know and sometimes they indirectly spill beans to guys that I am “conservative.” This is because I advise them to wait until marriage also.
Your princessness Easybreezy,
My response grew too big to answer here. See post 508, if you please.
Guy
Easybreezy,
You don’t need to “reveal” anything until it actually becomes relevant. How you let a man know is by your actions. I mean, really, a guy can’t expect to hop in the sack with you if you’re saying goodnight at the door AND he isn’t stepping up with requests for dates-EVERY WEEK-on the “prime real estate night” (i.e., Saturday night) AND you’re avoiding any “sexy talk” AND you’re avoiding any hardcore petting.
(Only the truly ambitious ones, upon realizing that you won’t let them in your house, will come up with a “weekend away” idea. Lol.)
I’ve found that guys end up taking themselves out of rotation before it even gets to the point of saying anything to them.
Your “friends,” I dare say, are trying to undermine your dating world. I’d look at them with a little more critical eye. They shouldn’t be talking to a guy you’re dating, anyway, in my opinion…but I’m a scorpio and we live by the “book of absolute secrecy about everything!” Hah hah. :>
The other thing is, if you make this pronouncement so early on, you’re kindof announcing to the guy that you aren’t all that interested in *him*, you’re only interested in *marriage.* I think that’s why the “not now” that Guy mentions is a little bit easier to take. He can assume that you haven’t really gotten to know him that well yet and that that’s why you don’t want to have sex with him, and that when you do learn just how great he is, you will be besides yourself trying to hop in the sack! ;> But vague/undisclosed accomplishes the same thing. Men look at actions, not words. They don’t live in the “talk talk talk” world that women do.
Oops I meant to say I try hard NOT to reveal this before it really becomes obvious, like at the 2 month point. I’ve asked this question before. I just get furstrated. I’ve waiting 5 months also. Either way the guys lose interest.
“Either way the guys lose interest.”
This is the reality of waiting. BUT, these guys would have lost interest eventually anyway, so you aren’t really losing anything. In the alterna-world, they would have just lost interest AFTER you’d been having sex with them for a while. And G-d forbid you’ve been having good sex with him…now he’s gone AND he has taken that good sex with him. Double slap in the face!!
I guess, for me, I remind myself that I’d never want to look over at my husband and wonder if he *wouldn’t* have married me if I hadn’t had sex with him. Reminding myself of that makes it easier when a guy goes AWOL because he isn’t getting any.
Stacy you are right. I guess the bitterness and frustration is sinking in lately of years and years of trying to do things right, and seeing the very men who dumped you years ago because you would not sleep with them end up marrying the women they slept with and cohabited with beforehand (everything your mom and dad told you not to do).
Easybreezy,
Not that I wish a bad marriage on ANYONE, but those couples, the “men who dumped you years ago because you would not sleep with them end up marrying the women they slept with and cohabited with beforehand” ones, I look as closely as possible at how their *marriage* is going…what their marriage looks like.
A lot–not all, of course, but a lot of the ones I’ve seen end up with the woman doing all the work…the woman always having to ask her husband to do things/acknowledge her (aka “begging). He takes her for granted. She complains loudly about him. She bitterly stops having sex with him or uses it as negotiating “currency” in their marriage (ALWAYS a bad idea). Cheating–be it mental, physical, or both–looms on the horizon. If kids are in the picture, they get all her time and good words. He increasingly removes himself from the home.
…Joy…
I also look at how many years have folks been married. 5 years is a pivotal point. Usually the first waves of divorces happen around the 5 year mark. or with that 7 year itch. I also consider people “divorced” if their marriage has morphed into them being little more than “legally bound roommates.”
I guess it depends on what kind of marriage you want. I don’t need a roommate, grown-up child, playboy, or a stranger. My friends who married for marriage/kids are being treated like dogs, in my opinion, in their marriages. These are the ones I’d posted about before who spend most of our conversations complaining about their husbands. {sigh}
I don’t want a “marriage” a la “Get the Ring!!” I want a “husband”…and all that that means. :>
Easybreezy,
I definitely believe in being direct about it early if questioned. I have mentioned before my reasons why. However, I don’t even get into this or answer unless the guy is serious. Otherwise, I don’t answer or say nothing and move on. So then, there is no need to get into too many discussions about this. For example, I wouldn’t say anything right away to a potential suitor, and definitely not to people casually asking. But, when he seriously inquires about why not or seems to be perplexed/frustrated after being turned down when trying to get physical I do say something. He may actually think you don’t like him, not that you are waiting for marriage. In a previous post, Guy mentioned something about him finding out by the 2nd date or so (post 491). “When he finds out on first or second date that she’s into chastity until Mr. Right comes along, two outcomes are most likely: She no longer interests him. Or, he seeks to become Mr. Right. It’s not what she tells him, it’s what he concludes from what she does and says.” I think this is realistic.
I believe that since there is now an expectation of sex before marriage by the vast majority of people, the best thing to do is to give a brief explanation. I do not assume that the guy is bad just because he then has this expectation, only that his mindset is what the status quo is. I simply clarify, and based on the response, I then gage his intentions.
I will go one step further and say it is nearly an unavoidable conversation in today’s dating climate. Even further, I think it is nearly impossible in this day to get all the way up to a proposal(not even close) without there having been a serious, frank discussion. For me, that has translated to telling only 3 men about my no-sex belief in the past year. Out of those three, one completely disappeared, the other I see out and about fairly often and is still interested but won’t step up to the plate, and the other is still RELENTLESS in his pursuit . True to what Guy has said, he has gotten more gentlemanly, more serious, and more considerate over time-though he still has a ways to go.
Of course, your consistent chaste actions are paramount and leave no doubt about your stance, though for me, a few well spoken words help clarify and drive the point home. I let serious inquirers decide for themselves based on the plain facts and let the chips fall where they may- my personal opinion and preference.
Let me tell you another side to this story though…
I waited till I was married – hubby was a virgin on our wedding night also. Sex didn’t happen on our honeymoon week because he was nervous and couldn’t. After a while it improved to 10 seconds – yes 10 seconds…..and here we are 12 years later and still at 10 seconds (15 on a great night). I am miserable – I am just being used AND I’m stuck AND now my sex hormones are raging and what am I supposed to do? IF I had known that we were not going to be compatible in this way we would not have married.
For spiritual, moral reasons I can’t advocate sex premarriage – but doing it this way does not mean that you will get what you want and worked for either.