Sex either enables or disables the compatible merging of the male and female natures into a successful relationship. Not coitus but the before and after expectations. Sex differences make the difference.
COMPETITION—The Male Strength
Men are made to compete with men. (Disregard table and fun games here.)
Except when trying to conquer her, a man avoids hard-headed competition with a woman. Women too easily outtalk or outsmart men seeking to conquer them. So, men conclude, it’s best to avoid competition on other matters. The prospects of conquest warrant head-to-head mind games, but nothing else.
Men don’t want a woman to think he can’t hack whatever comes up, so losing mind battles reveals incapacity. It can too easily demo some bit of insignificance, which he fears.
Pushy male dominance is a surefire way to avoid competing with her, so he uses it to stop discussion, squash dissent, and avoid loss of face. It’s his nature, not the woman. (Male subordinates of female bosses often favor indifference rather than compete to win a point or advise her.)
After conquest, he expects sex to be cooperative and not competitive. Why not? Her nature favors the former over the latter. But that’s not the whole story.
COOPERATION—The Female Strength
Men do whatever women require in order for men to have frequent and convenient access to sex. When Womanhood speaks, men pay attention. If a woman sets standards and high expectations, a man will step up, elevate his effort, and smooth his attitude—but only before conquest.
Beyond that turning point, he expects routine access to sex with her; it was the target of his natural conquering spirit. Conqueror’s rights are an intrinsic primal urge, hardwired and hormonal. Consequently, he can’t stop his expectations; she certainly can but at risk of losing him.
A man will not long play games or otherwise compete for sex with a woman he has conquered. If she persistently uses sex to get her way, he will rebel quietly, privately, noisily, or physically. Whichever way he chooses, he won’t tolerate it very long and soon seeks another woman.
It’s especially true in marriage. He paid the ultimate price to have frequent and convenient access. When she starts to pull back or shy away, his competitive spirit energizes him, because she challenges his conqueror’s right. So, he pushes for and expects easier access or unlimited sex to prove that he’s right. This makes her resent, resist, rebel, and retaliate in order to restore her self-respect. He pushes harder, she does too, and they start living separate lives under the same roof, or worse.
Compatibility has one switch for sex. They compete before conquest. They cooperate after.
So, is this what I was going through this week and today?
Now what do I do? Half of me is angry, the other half is almost laughing in some sort of relief.
I complained to God today. My husband is making an effort to stop drinking. His drinking has actually become quite dangerous. He scared me to bits, recently. I finally sought some outside help.
He is making me pay. Every single thing that comes out of his mouth is oppressive. To the point that I finally could not stand it anymore. I finally firmly told him that at this time there is nothing I can do or say that will please him right now, anyway. A plate went flying across the kitchen. Believe me, I am NOT a mouthy woman. He knows it.
Then, he switches off and wants to be intimate.
The last thing I am in the mood for! So, I resist.
So, he gets even angrier. Up and down and up and down. I hope for an apology. That isn’t gonna happen. He may be kinder afterwards, for a while.
I would prefer it BEFORE.
In general, my husband is not a horrid husband.
He fell back (he had stopped for many years) into drinking, due to some very discouraging years. The drinking is just too serious and dangerous, otherwise, I would not have sought help. I was beginning to fear for his life, and mine and the kids. But, now that he isn’t drinking. He is a terrible grouch. Sadly, he seems to think it is his right to be as oppressive as he can.
That is the part that angers me. The delight he seems to take in his picking and picking and ranting. And the absolute insistance that I (his wife) do not respond in kind. But, after hours and hours, and days, well, I am not a robot!
Sorry, I just vented on your blog. How can a woman not push her husband away when he behaves in such a difficult manner? I am not using sex to get my way. I can manage to snap back into being polite and respectful to him, but sex is the last thing on my mind when he behaves like this! And I know, that is what he would like tonight. UGH!
Denise,
I am running a Rules group in my city and we have a few married ladies. I suggest you pick up the “Rules for married women.” I know that Guy is not promoting having sex with a husbands whom is turning you off with terrible behaviour that is especially caused by a drinking problem. Usually married girls withhold sex if they think thier husband is not romantic enough or affectionate- they think that tactic will work but it backfires. Don’t be afriad to try something new. I wish ya all the best.:)
Princess Miss Dawn,
Not sure I understand what you mean, but I don’t support cutting husband off for any reason except to keep from spreading SDS at home after he has cheated. But if he cheated, his commitment has broken down, and if separation followed then he’s an ex and entitled to nothing but virtual virginity.
If separation does not ensue, then crossed legs are justified until some time has passed and tests are run. Base denial of sex on medical issues and the burden lies with him to prove himself healthy and her to guard her future health. Thus, cheating has discouragements far beyond just breaking of vows.
Were this made clear in courtships, we’d probably have far less wandering by men that respect their wife.
Guy