This continues post 592 and a review may help with this one.
Wife’s sexual desirability flows from husband’s conviction of his studliness, which arises from her convincing actions. (Not the desirability of foreplay or arousal, but the kind that makes him think of her sexually when away. It brings him back to her, reliably.)
Is he Saint Stud or just Sir Dud? Only he can tell. His conviction comes from her actions. He finds actions hard to doubt but not words, especially if his sexual self-confidence is weak.
Three actions are the most convincing: (1) Easy availability negotiated within her sensibilities. (2) Willingness negotiated within her health. (3) Eagerness and joy displayed frequently and honestly.
· Those actions make her desirable, because they signal that she needs him and only him. No one else will EVER do, or so he concludes.
· Earning her devotion is the energetic and symbolic equivalent of her winning his love (details at 592). The sign that he deserves what he earned lies with confirmation of his sexual dynamism, although in truth his dynamism may be more imagined than real. (As Einstein said: “Imagination is more important than knowledge.” So, whose imagination? Both!)
· Negative feedback indicates ‘his dudliness’, and it conflicts with his self-defined studliness. The greater the conflict, the more he knows better and feels pushed to search out and find the truth. Where, who, how, when? Or so he ponders and eventually acts!
· His conclusions count for everything. Her actions speak loudest and indirectness outweighs directness. Only his conclusions confirm that she needs him and that he, therefore, has earned what he deserves—her devotion. It’s a loop that only wife can close.
· Her sexual need of him impresses and shapes his mind with her desirability. When his thoughts turn to sex, they turn to her anticipated eagerness and joy. This elevates ego over libido and her over everyone else.
· Women seek loving affection and expect it will overcome marital twists and turns. But it doesn’t make her desirable. Too much reliance on loving affection can spillover into fawning, babying, and mothering that short circuit her desirability. (Of course too little by him ruins post-coital intimacy. But it’s not her loving affection that stimulates his. It’s tender heartedness in all likelihood bred into him by females earlier in his life.)
· We’ve focused on wife’s sexual desirability in husband’s mind. Of course, females seek to be desired for other than sex. It’s perfectly normal, but enabling him to earn her devotion makes everything else easier.
· There’s a vital caveat: Unless he devotes himself to marriage, he has no real interest in upgrading his devotion or earning hers. Marriage sets his mind on the path to earn her devotion to him. Shacked up, for example, requires no legal or formal investment of his Self, so he senses less if any obligation to earn her devotion.
And, in another of God’s major blessings for females: Aging will change her appearance, but it need not change her sexual desirability.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write these last couple of posts. Oh, how I wish I had read things like this when I was in my early years of marriage. I would have gladly changed some of my behavior. Would have saved a lot of heartache.
My husband would have been a lot happier, in those early years. In these past years it has been a lot better though. But, this post makes things even clearer to me, how it all works.
For me, one statement that really was interesting,
was about the fact that men don’t appreciate unearned gifts. I have seen this.. But, just couldn’t think it out in words.
Thank you
Guy,
Could you please elaborate on what the term “unearned gifts” is?
Thanks,
Your Princessness Thoko,
Basically, unearned gift means that he sees no reason for her to have presented it. How about these examples?
• Her displaying love at first sight.
• Sex before he has invested anything of himself.
• Displays of affection when he’s busy at something else.
It doesn’t mean he won’t accept unearned gifts, only that he won’t appreciate it to her advantage. It’s a neutral at best.
Guy
Thank you,
Sir G,
Thank you for your blog. I see so many things I did wrong and so many things that I wrongly believed. I am working to change.
In your post about wives, you wrote that a man would convince himself that he is a stud or dud by his wife’s actions to:
“Three actions are the most convincing: (1) Easy availability negotiated within her sensibilities. (2) Willingness negotiated within her health. (3) Eagerness and joy displayed frequently and honestly.”
How can a wife negotiate certain sexual acts not w/in her sensibilities? I feel that my marriage good. I am eager and grateful for my husband’s sexual attention. We are both healthy and playful but in the past I have been too submissive, self-hating and have done certain sexual acts in order to please my husband that I am not comfortable doing anymore.
Is it fair to just stop? Should I talk to him and ask him not to ever bring it up again? Will he ever stop asking? I have been able to appeal to his desire of being protective of me by coquettishly stating that “It hurts too much” and letting him change his own mind. But a part of me fears that he will be resentful.
How I wish that he had never been exposed to pornography and that I had never believed that I needed to be like that.
Trying to make my marriage better,
Ruth
Your Exceptional Coquettishness Ruth,
I discovered masculine directness as best way to contribute. I simply answer your questions and hope you can profit from it:
“Is it fair to just stop?”
• Fair to you, yes. To him? Not without much indirect preparation to prevent his thinking that his sexual prowess/performance is being questioned or resented.
• Consider: Men don’t expect their woman to change. If the early days of your marriage did not overwhelm your sensibilities, you can presume to return to those halcyon days. Forget it if your sensibilities were challenged early in marriage.
“Should I talk to him and ask him not to ever bring it up again?”
• Yes in principle. However, do it by planting seeds, using indirectness, and leaving all the interim thoughts and decisions for him to make.
• You don’t have to like his decisions, but don’t object; plant seeds of doubt in his mind by reacting with zero feedback when your sensibilities are being strained. (Zero feedback means no emotions either positive or negative; keep them hidden.)
“Will he ever stop asking?”
• If he doesn’t, you’ve either allowed too little time and too few opportunities for him to read your zero feedback, or his resentment has set in. Either way you know enough to more adroitly manage your relationship.
“I have been able to appeal to his desire of being protective of me by coquettishly stating that ‘It hurts too much’ and letting him change his own mind.”
• You just expressed one of the greatest female strengths. You lose it, if you don’t use it.
“But a part of me fears that he will be resentful.”
• Don’t trust your fears. Go by what you observe in him.
• If he shows some resentment, you’ve not used your relationship expertise to its fullest. But, also, you’ll know how to adjust and make it go away.
• You greatest fear should be that he’ll see resentment in you. Not good, because what he concludes about your opinion of his sexual prowess/performance has such intense meaning.
Success for you comes when he wants to please you for no other reason than he wants to please you. So, that’s your measure of how fast to withdraw from what you don’t want to do. Coquettishness worked before, so use and rely upon it. Men can change slowly, if they aren’t thinking about it.
One final tip: Porn is visual. Migrate discreetly TOWARD making love in the dark and getting TV out of the bedroom.
Guy
“One final tip: Porn is visual. Migrate discreetly TOWARD making love in the dark and getting TV out of the bedroom. ”
Sir Guy,
Full nudity with lights on was always an issue in my marriage because I was highly modest and preferred privacy, not only to make love but also to dress/shower. He insisted the opposite and took it personally when I covered up. Certain friends at the time and also marriage counselor agreed with him. I later found out my ex indulged frequently with strip clubs, porn, and prostitutes.
Now that I read your statement above, I feel perhaps there wasn’t anything wrong with my wanting to making love in the dark. If a woman is a virtual virgin on the wedding night, how does/should modesty change after marriage with regard to the bedroom and nakedness in general?
Your Highness That Horse is Dead…,
I think it best if she doesn’t change after marriage. Her nakedness earns many urges but it does not earn a man’s respect. Modesty does, however, if she makes it a constant and reliable part of her character.
Guy
Sir Guy,
Thank you. Your answers to my specific questions make sense with the principles in all the other posts that I have been reading. I have been internalizing all this information slowly.
The “trying new things” was temporary insanity on my part from turning another decade older and at the same time having an old girlfriend of his come into his workplace.
“…what he concludes about your opinion of his sexual prowess/performance has such intense meaning.
Success for you comes when he wants to please you for no other reason than he wants to please you.”
Thank you. We have been having success all week.
Your Stunningness Ruth,
You could use one more adjustment. Aging doesn’t take away your likeability, unless you let it by focusing on what you can’t stop or defeat. Your attractiveness to him got his attention, and you only have to maintain it so that your likeability in his life does not decline. Don’t try to appear more youthful (which too easily appears radical). Work at being more appealing for your age and likeable as he sees you. (He’s aging too, so go with him instead of against him, as women easily do when they focus on their aging and to their eyes, deteriorating condition.)
Guy
I have a question, in my early marriage I sought to get counseling with my husband because he never acted the way I thought me would (like always wanting sex.) Mix this with self doubt, not understanding what men truly consider attractive, (I was thinking more imodesty,) the idea that men are basically pigs that all had huge sexual hormones, and could do nothing about it, I was a mess. I came to learn that during his time before we meet and during courtship he had learned to control his passions and thoughts, that I needed to take better care of my self everyday and that he wanted sex to be special, not so ordinary (take it how it is and don’t complain, or ask for me to look great) My question is do you think I hav hurt him in any way? Like this studliness you talk about. If so how do I recover and assure him I was just working out wrong thinking? Even though I still wonder if I am attactive enough, but I do something about it now!
Your Uniqueness Jodi,
I’m unsure, but I offer these tips for however they apply to your situation:
• If your marriage is going along okay, try to change your behavior slowly and without his noticing.
• Of course you’re attractive enough, but it doesn’t follow that you’re prepping yourself. Article 806 can help figure out a recovery.
• As to his studliness, the more feminine you make yourself in sexual matters, the more easily he will conclude that he’s your stud. Your being more easily excited and welcoming helps, but don’t overdo greatly whatever you’ve done before. Go slow and gently. No big surprises!
• As to hurting him in the past, perhaps you have but don’t worry about it. It’s past. Move on from whatever is important to him now. Go gently though.
• Full disclosure won’t solve anything unless he starts inquiring. And even then, don’t be eager. Be slow to disclose your past thinking about your marriage. He will likely take personal whatever you admit as your fault in the particular relationship matter you cite.
Best wishes with this thought ever most in mind: Indirectness pays off, because you stay in charge. Directness puts him in charge. And let me know if I’ve misinterpreted your situation.
Guy