WWNH: Wives face a paradox that some can’t accept and overcome: If he doesn’t show appreciation for her, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t appreciate her. There are two sides, and the second is the stronger and more dependable for female benefits.
First, women see insensitive clods, because masculine thinking runs like this: To show appreciation through praise or acknowledge one’s gratefulness is to show dependence and weakness. It’s the man’s world, and so, unless he wants something, he doesn’t think about her.
Trying to capture a woman, however, men show more female-friendly attentions, praise, and gratitude. But once committed in marriage, husbands revert to thinking like a man. As family leader he needs independence and mental strength. This shifts his focus away from pleasing her as she would like, or as she became accustomed when dating.
Second, femininity has its own built-in rewards. She knows she’s doing the right thing, so small favors, nuances, and attentions to husband stroke her ego whether he shows appreciation or not. Her actions alone confirm her importance. This makes femininity self-rewarding, which strengthens her ability and commitment to it, which strengthens family bonding.
Men lack the relationship skills that women have naturally and in abundance. As you would expect, recovery for wives depends on wives. It’s next.
18 Comments
07/15/2009 at 8:36 am
I’m ashamed to admit that after 21 years of marriage, this is a revelation to me.
I am a stay-at-home-wife (no children) and I love my calling — making our house a calm and tranquil oasis for my husband.
My husband is a very sweet, sensitive and considerate person, so I have often been confused and hurt because he seldom seems to notice or comment on the things I do for him. I have sometimes felt resentful and taken for granted because I know that most of his work colleagues have wives who work and their home lives are chaotic in the extreme. It hasn’t computed with me that he doesn’t often express his gratitude, when he is otherwise so gracious.
I have never understood or even heard the principle that you are elucidating, but it makes so much sense! Thank you, Guy! I’m learning a lot and really look forward to the next installment.
07/15/2009 at 10:17 am
All the more reason to have outside interests. Get some friggin’ hobbies! A long as these interests don’t conflict with home responsibilities, have something that occupies your mind so that you aren’t always thinking about why he doesn’t do this or that. Her happiness is not his responsibility as his happiness is not hers.
Your Princesstial Dogsandfitness,
“Her happiness is not his responsibility as his happiness is not hers.”
Beautifully stated. It’s true for one simple reason: Her happiness is due to her sense of gratitude. His is due to his sense of gratitude. No one else is responsible for what’s in our heart.
Guy
07/15/2009 at 10:24 am
I think this is true – husbands don’t think about expressing gratitude, attention, etc. This is an area where female patience and indirectness and, most importantly, playfulness, can benefit a husband…gently in a non-teaching way, teach him to do those things. A husband learning and remembering to do those things not only benefits the wife, but the daughter, mother, sisters, and other women in his life whom he may be forgetting.
This works for me: when I have done something that “needs” his appreciation I, in a very happy overdone, not resentful way, smile big and say, “Look what I’ve done that needs your appreciation!” If he doesn’t give me the results I want I look at him, wrinke my nose and playfully pout and say, “You’re not giving it to me… I want MORE!” That gets me a “Good job! Way to go!!!”
He has caught on to the game, and sometimes if I’m not giving him the recognition/appreciation he’s seeking he’ll say, “You’re not giving it to me…”.
We both win.
07/15/2009 at 12:40 pm
@dogsandfitness:
Thanks for you concern and suggestions.
I live and travel widely in Europe, I have 2 undergraduate and 2 masters degrees, I speak 1 foreign language and am learning a second.
So you see, my mind and time is occupied by many things, and although I don’t believe I made any mention of it in my previous comment, I am, indeed, a very happy and fortunate woman.
07/15/2009 at 12:44 pm
Oh, my comment wasn’t directed at anyone. It was just my thoughts
07/15/2009 at 12:44 pm
@dogsandfitness:
I just realized that your comment may not have been directed at me personally.
My apologies if that is the case.
07/15/2009 at 12:45 pm
No biggie….
07/15/2009 at 4:19 pm
“As family leader he needs independence and mental strength. This shifts his focus away from pleasing her as she would like, or as she became accustomed when dating.”
This is a very meaningful sentence to me. I’m in a long-term relationship of 3 1/2 years (no marriage until my teenager is out of high school/I’m a virtual virgin too, in case anyone cares). My guy is out of work right now and seems to be pulling away. I have been letting him go (mostly out of irritation) but now I realize he is problem solving. He is trying to find work and he is also working on some projects that might make him some money. Whether he is successful or not is another story but I realize now that it’s not about me. It’s about him trying to be a man. I’m going to let him.
07/15/2009 at 9:38 pm
“It’s the man’s world, and so, unless he wants something, he doesn’t think about her.”
this is hard to accept! I’m often saddened by the fact that hubby doesnt call/txt during the day.. and that generally speaking once he does see me, he usually asks for food!! I have to remind him sometimes that I’m not the cafeteria lady
07/16/2009 at 12:08 am
This was a great post, as always. My guy has to have the boxes checked off before he can focus on me. So I ask for attention by checking the boxes. Great dinner, check. House looks nice/children fed & tucked in, check. He can’t multi-task like I can, so I set it all up. I’m one of the boxes
He’s not an insensitive clod at all, he is just so different than me in that he focuses intensely on one single thing at a time. And then he needs time in his “cave”- literal (the study) or figural. I think most guys need a cave. Just my $.02.
Guy, if you feel led, I would like to know if you have any thoughts on mothering sons.
Your Exceptionalness Adrian,
Mothering sons. Great subject. It’s on the worklist. Give me a week or so.
Guy
07/16/2009 at 2:52 am
“She knows she’s doing the right thing, so small favors, nuances, and attentions to husband stroke her ego whether he shows appreciation or not. Her actions alone confirm her importance.”
That’s because being a wife, mother, homemaker has an important (crucial?) social function. We can gain satisfaction by doing the right thing. Of course, it really helps if your husband has a strong sense of family (and a sense of himself as a husband, father, provider) too, then even if he doesn’t show you appreciation as much as you’d like, at least you know he understands how important your work is.
07/16/2009 at 9:47 am
Oh good Guy, I’ll be waiting for that one, I have three sons. Can’t wait!
07/16/2009 at 12:58 pm
>>>>>>>She knows she’s doing the right thing, so small favors, nuances, and attentions to husband stroke her ego whether he shows appreciation or not. Her actions alone confirm her importance.>>>>
I’ve never felt this ego stroke when doing the right thing. If no appreciation is shown, I feel used. Maybe that part of me is broken or has been shut down by my (not militant) feminist background.
07/17/2009 at 6:34 pm
Yeah, I hear you on that.
07/17/2009 at 6:36 pm
I guess this is when a neglected wife has to get a “lil somethin on the side” and I don’t mean sex. But isn’t it called “emotional infidelity”? Whats the point of being married if your exsisitence is just like being single?
Your Preciousness Miss Dawn,
Right. But, also, what’s the point of being married if you don’t, can’t, or won’t make it work? As to “emotional infidelity,” doesn’t that dissipate a lot of emotional energy where it will do no good for the relationship?
Guy
P.S. Sorry for the masculine abruptness. The next two ladies commenting below have a much better appreciation of your points and claims.
07/17/2009 at 9:08 pm
Hi Dawn,
The “lil somethin on the side” should probably be a hobbies, strong friendships with good women, and service to others. I feel any emotional relationship with a man not related to you is detrimental to everyone involved.
I don’t get to see the man I’m in a relationship much because of various obligations etc. but I find ways to stay busy and God is helping me find healthy things to do with my time. (it’s a process)
07/18/2009 at 7:56 am
Dawn,
Believe it not not, I understand what you are saying. When I stated above that all women should have outside interests, these interests also create situations where the male realizes that he has to chase you down to spend time with you, regardless of your marital status. Males often become so friggin’ complacent that they forget that, as women, we “need” romance and, in marriage, the same way they “need” sex. Would I stay married to my husband if he didn’t romance me? No. Not if he is getting sex from me. I’m, and we shouldn’t be, free.
At any rate, we have to create a void to be chased in. Hobbies are a fun, safe way to do that. Getting involved with another male only damages our integrity to the outside world and, most importantly, to ourselves.
07/18/2009 at 2:20 pm
You ladies (and Guy) are so wise. I truly love you. You are helping me so much.