621. Recovery for Wives — Part 4


WWNH: Willingness of wife to change can be a stumbling block.

Eagerness to claim credit or to show she’s trying harder comes across as trying too hard. It works like the unearned gift that men don’t appreciate, and it too easily can weaken his respect or her self-respect.

On the other hand, subtlety pays off. Undetectable, unnoticed minor changes work far better than major ones that he detects and feels obligated to recognize verbally. Men don’t change to please their woman, and so they easily become suspicious of her changing to please him.

Trying to recover a marriage, only sincerity works. Attempts to manipulate probably signal that manipulation or phoniness caused marital problems in the first place.

As mentioned elsewhere, men see no need for relationship maintenance. Wives shouldn’t expect husband to fix it. He senses every one of her pressures as pushing him to change, but men don’t change—especially at the insistence of the woman they married or the counselor she hires.

(I realize counselors don’t push anyone to change, but men expect it. Their problem solving nature shows that directions precede solutions. Also, being forced to change admits to a man’s insignificance, which is his greatest fear. Expectation and fear explain why men dodge counselors and counseling.)

A sweeter wife goes a long way to sweetening a man’s attitude, because we become like those with whom we associate. That’s next.

13 Comments

Filed under Her glory

13 responses to “621. Recovery for Wives — Part 4

  1. dogsandfitness

    This is why women should have lengthy courtships with multiple guys. At some point the realness will revel itself about them, and it is a realness that isn’t going to change unless he has something HUGE to gain (that’s just human nature). If she doesn’t like what she sees, she can run away as fast as she possibly can before she gets in too deep.

    If he won’t do anything to please her and to make her life better before marriage, he sure as hell won’t afterwards.

  2. Jessica

    hey, what about us singles…

    Your Dreamboatness Jessica,
    Sorry, I don’t mean to discourage you. But, the blog aims mostly at single women. Scan the CONTENTS page and you should find many titles of interest. If you have a particular side of single associations that you are keen about, then I might be able to concentrate on something specific.
    Guy

  3. I know men don’t change under their wives’ pressure, and I know that the best thing we can do is try to treat him sweetly even when it’s hard. And I also know that a man isn’t going to appreciate his wife trying to change him through a counselor either!! But what about when things have gone so wrong, that it is now the Court telling the man that he must go through a year of counseling and probation before he can return to his family– do you think it is possible that he will be willing to really change? Should the wife wait out the year and see what he does, or should she accept that he will not change for her or anyone else, and just go ahead and give up?

    Your Highness Kristie,
    Sorry. I have nothing to offer. The complexities, legal and otherwise, defy understanding by an outsider. Best wishes and blessings be with you.
    Guy

  4. Princess Rita

    I think single ladies should read this too, if they think they might marry one day. It’s good preventative medicine.

  5. Princess Rita

    Kristie,

    The simple answer (since we don’t know much about your situation) is that if you’re Christian, Jesus taught that only lewd behavior or infidelity are acceptable reasons for divorce. That doesn’t mean one must divorce, only that it’s permissible. If your husband is/continues to be abusive, you are not obligated to stay in a dangerous situation. I would pray a lot and seek guidance from trusted elders in this matter.

    I should add that there are SOME situations where women have been known to add fuel to the fire in abusive relationships. I’m not saying that you have done this, only that it is the case some of the time. Often the wife needs changing, as much as the husband does.

    I hope I haven’t alienated anyone, this is just something, I’ve seen first hand.

  6. Robin

    From this series, I’m getting the general idea that wives should just be who they are and do what needs to be done in a sweet and matter-of-fact manner, whether they feel appreciated or not. The confidence comes from knowing you’re doing what needs to be done and not from some outward influence. Is that what you are saying?

    Your Highness Robin,

    Pretty much so, yes. Not just wives either; also girls and single women. You spell out the basics very well.

    “The confidence comes from knowing you’re doing what needs to be done and not from some outward influence.”

    Not just confidence, but also high sense of worth rises from the doing. Some people expect others to constantly confirm their worth. They’re doomed to a life of disappointment or worse, because it’s strictly an internal affair.

    We all live within ourselves, and you describe the bare minimum for building the good life.

    You describe a woman’s foundational nature that lifts her above all else. It’s her most basic character and role from which she can’t be dislodged. This independence enables her to maximize her relationship expertise so lacking in men. It also enables all the other things that women, wives, mothers, and friends do to fulfill the obligations they sense they have in life.

    Also, we’re all responsible for our own happiness. Gratefulness for Self heads the list of gratitudes that lead to happiness. Being ungrateful for Self means you look for someone else to make you happy, and that’s the road that leads to so much disappointment and misery.

    Guy

    • Robin

      Thank you. I’ve read books on this topic, but I never really got this point. My husband is a brick. Very reliable and responsible, but he so rarely acknowledges I’m there that I thought maybe he’s not happy with me. But, I think it must be quite the opposite. He’s on a mission to get us out of debt faster, so I see now that his mind is constantly solving that problem, so he isn’t thinking about me. It’s so simple, but the needy girl inside has been feeling rejected. Thanks so much for this series. Very enlightening.

  7. Lisa

    Thank you Guy. I have a situation and what you’ve written is exactly what I needed to read.

  8. Princess Rita

    I’m seeing that “taking back” the womanly arts of good homemaking, cooking and so one could help build the sense of worth many are looking for.

    So many young girls today are proud of the fact that they can’t cook and don’t do housework. Perhaps that’s one of the reasons so many need anti-depressants. Maybe a return to these valuable tasks would help. Who doesn’t love to see people enjoying food YOU prepared. It’s one of the best feelings in the world.

  9. Anne

    SIr Guy, how does a woman recover from it being discovered that she is an avid reader of your blog and, thus, trying to change (for the better!) My husband is confused. I texted key points from your blogs to a friend, only I accidentally sent them to my husband’s phone at work. He wants to know what all this is about changing, devotion, pretty time, etc. etc. etc. I am mortified. I have not said a word, not ONE WORD, about the subtle changes I have been trying to make in myself over the past year. Not knowing what to say, I said several incoherent (to him) things and burst into tears. Now he is more confused than ever, and I seek to know how to recover from, um, trying to recover in the first place! My goal has been “subtle” and now I feel I must explain all… :(

    Your Highness Anne,
    Sarah’s comment nearby is well designed and phrased. I suggest you follow it. I would add this: To uncover his concerns, ask questions about his expectations, and then answer honestly with the minimum info possible. Women can detect when full disclosure is missing whereas men can’t or usually don’t care. Don’t deceive, manipulate, or trick him. Be yourself in all your radiant feminine glory, loaded with smiles and eagerness to please him.
    Guy

    • Sarah

      Anne,

      Bless your heart! Keeping Sir Guy’s wisdom– “Don’t explain. Don’t complain”– in mind, could you make a light-hearted apology for the tears, saying you were being silly and were simply embarrassed to send him such a girly message? He might write it off as nothing after that as long as you don’t show any signs of “weirdness.” If he demands to know more, I would tell him as little as possible– that this is just a blog to help women be great mothers and successful ladies. Not any hint of getting advice on handling your relationship with him! You can handle it!

      • Anne

        Thank you, Sarah! I really appreciate the part about it being a girly message (which it was)! I think that was a big part of the embarrassment. He has not asked any more about it, but if he does I will certainly use that phrase. Again, thank you!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s