A young lady asked for advice to restore her relationship after the following happened:
Boyfriend proposed. She was surprised and couldn’t believe it. Only one friend thought the proposal genuine. So, she treated him unfairly, and “he wants to forget about marriage because [she] freaked out so much.”
Sorry, but I can’t offer advice. I don’t know her situation nearly well enough; only she knows it well enough to ‘cure’ it. Instead, I offer a model of interactive pressures from which she may be able to figure out what to do.
- If she acts too eager to marry, he gets scared. If she does it suddenly and overpoweringly, she has changed from the woman he chose.
- Men intensely dislike making the wrong call about a woman; it indicates faulty reasoning and makes him look poorly to other men, his competitors with whom he has face to save.
- If he withdraws from marriage, he has a reason. If she respects him, she has to respect his decisions or preferences. The best sign of her respect is to accept marriage-lost almost as if it’s her decision and without making him look bad.
- She backs off marriage and neither complains nor explains. Silence is golden, when one doesn’t know what’s happened or happening. He’ll find it hard to attach blame to her silence.
- Figure the bloom is off the rose. Wait for him to initiate a re-blossoming, a recapturing of his woman.
Her strength lies in NOT falling to pieces when he disappoints her on vital issues. He can’t or won’t examine himself and his actions, if she turns into blithering idiot or smothering female.
“Only one friend thought the proposal genuine.” – There’s part of the problem, I fear. The girlfriends have too much power. Women sort through problems by talking about them, but sometimes we carry it too far, talking everything over with our girlfriends – and consequently giving them too much power in our lives. Also, men would have to resent being the subject of so much discussion, wouldn’t they?
So long as a man behaves decently and things are normal, there’s no need to consult a committee.
I think you got it, Laura!
Hmmm…really. My first thought was that if all her friends are wondering about the gentleman’s sincerity, there might be a problem. That may be the (evil) feminist in me talking though. Maybe I need to take a 1 Cor 13:7 approach more often bearing all things, believing all things, hoping all things, enduring all things.
Not enough info. The male in question may have, in the past, treated her like crap. What’s his character? What’s his reputation? Is he a gentleman? What kind of family does he come from? How does he treat her NOW? Now he want’s to marry? Hmmmmm…….
“If he withdraws from marriage, he has a reason. If she respects him, she has to respect his decisions or preferences. The best sign of her respect is to accept marriage-lost almost as if it’s her decision and without making him look bad.”
No. If my husband-then-fiance decides he didn’t want to marry me after he proposed, it would have been HIS decision. The only thing I could do then was disappear off the face of the earth. All of that without “making him look bad”. Good grief. Anyways, I am not going to lie to myself and to the world because I stupidly worried about his street cred.
If he wanted back into my life, he would have had to start ALL OVER. None of that “picking up where we left off” crap.
Rita,
Another thing that came to me as I mulled this situation over today – Is this lady talking with her friends so much because she doesn’t trust her own instincts? Might she need to learn to recognize her own radar warning her something isn’t right, or to trust her judgment enough not to care what anyone else says about a decision she is making?
I don’t know. Women have always talked about such things. The quilting bee comes to mind…I don’t believe it’s wrong as long as it’s done while keeping the Golden Rule in mind. Ultimately of course, she makes final decision. Maybe no right or wrong…depends on situation as discussed above.
The best people to seek advice from is from Godly, older men/women who have made wise decisions and have happy, successful marriages. I know of a wonderful blog . . !!! Thanks you, Guy and Gracie, for the time you put into this blog!
Hey Guy,
I have a question on this subject. What is it about a womans lack of eagerness that motivates men so. I have a friend who just got engaged to her boyfriend of 2 years. However, everytime I see them together she seems rather annoyed by him and he always seems sooo eager. I was surprised she accepted his proposal. She once broke up withhim because he got a pretty low score on his MCAT. They are both in med school now, but I sometimes look at her (she has average attractiveness) and wonder what she is doing, or not doing that makes her fiance sooo crazy about her. She doesn’t seem to have a game or be cognizant of her behavior. . .but I am.
“What is it about a woman’s lack of eagerness that motivates men so.”
It triggers a male’s pursuit drive. If a female is too eager and willing, then the male can sit on his laurels and do absolutely nothing to get her attention and affections. If she plays hard to get, then he must put his best self forward, which means he must pay attention to her, please her, and make her happiness a priority to him. A women can be stunningly and painfully beautiful, but if she lets her clinginess out for him and the world to see, males won’t make a quarter of the effort. She doing his work for him. The average looking female who doesn’t put her man/men on pedestals but does the best she can with her looks will be pursued.
Your friend is doing something very right
Your Pricelessness Dogsandfitness,
Wonderfully and accurately stated. Thanks.
Guy
Addition:
I am very much aware of the woman’s “inferiority complex” which often makes us attracted to Jerks and other abusers of womens emotions. But men have a larger ego than women and tend to gravitate to people who make them feel better about themselves. So why this paradigm of attraction to egarless women, lol.
Your Princessness Jessica,
Her Highness Dogsandfitness nails it below with a great response. It’s much more simple and clear than I could have done. (I really admire such talent.)
I will add this though: After they marry, the roles should reverse in general terms. Capturing a man takes a different strategy and approach from keeping him.
Guy
I’m a lot like Jessica’s friend who seems annoyed with her boyfriend. So this is normal? For me it’s not an act, I am frequently annoyed with his immaturity. Sometimes I really have to grit my teeth when I’m with him. I hope if we get married I won’t be annoyed with him all the time. He worships the ground I walk on and it would be a shame to stomp on that (I’ve done it to men before).
What is he immature about? That matters. If you do give details, try not to out yourself too much.
Seems like everything. Among other things, about his job search. Thinks he’s being treated unfairly. I don’t think his jokes are funny anymore so they irritate me. Not sure if it’s him, or if I’m a horrible person, so I’m trying to stick it out and see what transpires. He has treated me better than any man I ever met, but that could be because he has poor self esteem. Still, he’s spoiled me somewhat in treating me so well. He’s give me his last dime.
I meant to say he’d give me his last dime. I don’t take money from him though.
I am making the following assumptions:
1) He is not taking his job situation out on you
2) He is not making jokes at your expense
Are his jokes crude? I can understand that. Crudeness is not funny.
How often are you seeing him during the week? How long have you been seeing him?
If you want to discuss this further through email, contact me at dogsandfitness (at) gmail (dot) com. I don’t want to hijack Guy’s blog entry too much.
Look, if a man is really annoying you, don’t date him exclusively! Life is too short to spend it in the (forced) company of someone whose sense of humor annoys you, or whom you can’t respect as your emotional and spiritual equal. And if he is nice as you say, he deserves to be free to find a woman whose humor is in sync with his, who will not be annoyed by him, and who will appreciate him.
Thank you Guy for adding the important reminder that once you are married, the strategy for keeping your man is different to the approach used when ‘catching’ him.
Hello All,
guy and others weho care to respond- something in this quote from above: “…If she acts too eager to marry, he gets scared. If she does it suddenly, she has changed from the woman he chose…”
The part here that confuses me greatly is the “IF SHE DOES IT SUDDENLY, SHE HAS CHANGED FROM THE WOMAN HE CHOSE..”
So basically a woman can’t EVEr show a man that she is in love with him? Happily and tearfully accept a proposal for marriage? Must she always be as the woman described above as aloof, annoyed, cold and peering down her nose at the pitiful being scraping at her feet for her affection?
I absolutly agree with the first part of this statement. You CAN’t be eager in the beginning. Because you don’t even know the person. But after you are in love, if you are eager to marry then all of a sudden you are not the “same woman he chose”? What kind of crap is that? You would think that after months of a year a woman would FINALLY be able to let her hair down and stop doing the whole “Ice Princess” thing!
Your Preciousness Miss Dawn,
I’ve misled you again. The lady to whom I responded claimed that she overdid her excitement and eagerness, and he was turned off by it. I was trying to explain why he would have grown cautious or withdrawn from her exuberance.
Another side of the same coin: If she exceeds his expectations for accepting him, he too easily doesn’t accept it as legitimate. Or worse, he sees that she changed so fast and much that it suggests she may have manipulated and trapped him. The latter is especially hazardous for relationship health, if no high level of trust has been established. Love ain’t never enough.
Guy