This summary completes the series about grateful actions that can lead to mutual happiness.
Wife directly demonstrates her gratitude for husband, which makes her happy with him.
♦ That’s it. Her happiness-seeking ‘job’ is simple and easy.
♦ Unless, that is, she can’t show gratitude. She may have chosen or turned him into Mr. Wrong. Or she may suffer low self-esteem or high self-centeredness and expect more from him than she can ever give.
Husband indirectly demonstrates his gratitude for wife, but success depends upon her confirmation.
- He shows his gratitude for her by producing, providing, protecting, and problem solving for her and the kids.
- Success comes from her respect and dependency, which makes him grateful for who he is and what he does, and this opens the door for his happiness.
You may conclude this, and it’s true. The best evidence of her gratitude is to reward him with respect and recognition for his efforts on her behalf.
One final reminder: A few negative words can poison good intentions and nullify positive actions. Consequently, words, discussions, and opinions either confirm his contributions or mutual unhappiness follows. (Full disclosure is vastly overrated.)
This was a great series, Guy. The FIRST thing I did when learning how to be more feminine was shut up and start praising hubby. It’s made such a difference. We just bought a house and he’s tackling honey-do projects with ease and gusto. Life is so much easier when I slow down, appreciate, admire, and thank hubby for what he does. He is definitely Mr. Right (or am I being Mrs. Right?) – haha!
Your Princessness Meg,
It takes a Mrs. Right to complete Mr. Good Enough and turn him into Mr. Right.
Well done and best wishes for the future.
Guy
I’ve known intellectually for many years that words are extremely powerful. I think I’m finally really starting to “get it” though….I need to learn to be very sparing with criticism and mucho generous with praise. I grew up with a lot of criticism and disapproval and I know for a fact that I’ll need God’s help to break this habit in my own life. Most of the time, it seems so natural to complain and “point out”. I hope and pray I can stop it.
So much of what you say is true but I am really trying to teach men that they must judge their own success by how well they love their wives rather than by her reaction.
Do you agree?
I wrote a post called, “Are you successful” on my blog, http://whatsheneedsfromyou.wordpress.com.
I hope you will read it and tell me what you think.
Thanks,
Ken,
I read it. It’s good and clear. Well done. I suggest we exchange links via blogroll.
Guy
Guy,
I agree. I added you to my blogroll yesterday. I am looking forward to learning from you and incorporating it into my posts.
Thanks,
Ken
Ken,
Thanks and blogroll ‘mutualized’.
Guy
Okay,Guy.
Still wrapping my head around this one. How would I express my grattitude to him when he has made it clear, by telling me so, that my compliments mean little to him. They just don’t.
I have then tried actions. Showing him I am grateful by doing the things I know he likes and am constantly met with criticism or comments on my inadequate efforts. I truly do wish to be a Mrs. Right but am rather stuck on this one.
Your Exceptionalness Mary,
Only you have the knowledge, interests, and power to solve your problems. I can’t give you advice, but I’ll cite a few possibilities that may be relevant to your situation. You’ll have to choose if something applies.
You say:
“…by telling me so, that my compliments mean little to him.”
“…constantly with met with criticism or comments on my inadequate efforts.”
This suggests that you’re trying too hard. You may be overdoing it trying to please him, seeking so much interpersonal closeness that he feels crowded, or coming across as phony. You make him sound annoyed.
Too much inquisitiveness or phony interest about his everyday actions and opinions can trigger annoyance in a man. Annoyance can trigger loss of respect. And co-dependency is ultra-annoyance to most men.
If your words and actions make him appear more valuable than he considers himself of value to you, you can easily appear insincere or even manipulative.
Your self-respect may be lacking relative to him, I say again, relative to him. If so, it means his respect would be lower than when you married. Problems arise every day, so recovery is everything.
Restoring your self-respect could trigger favorable responses from him. But remember this: Full disclosure is overrated, oversold, overvalued. Mystery works better between man and woman, when she’s trying to win him over or win him back.
A big female smile—suggesting hidden, favorable, or mischievous thoughts—compliments men better than words. Also, men don’t appreciate unearned gifts, so unsolicited favors may be out of reach of his appreciation.
The female strengths that ultimately overpower men are patience, indirectness, and mystery aka lack of understanding of the female nature.
Guy
Hang in there Mary. I know it’s not easy!
Mary,
Do you respect your husband deep in your soul? If not, ask God to give you insight into your husband and to develop a respect for him. Also, pray for your husband…this helps you to want the best for him.
When you have a deep respect for him in spite of his behavior, it really helps you to ride out the storm of his displeasure and unhappiness.
Also, make sure that you are respecting him all the time…even when you are away from him and talking about marraige and men with your girlfriends. No one needs to know how frustrated you are unless you are going to someone who is truly part of the solution (like Guy!).
Many thanks Guy for (and Mary for asking) answering Mary’s query so comprehensively. Very interesting.
So if I’m not supposed to use words to respect him, how do I do it? Smiling, sex (after marriage), doing nice things for him? Treating him like a king? But being too nice is giving him undeserved gifts which make him respect me less, I would think treating him like a king would be full of giving him undeserved nice things. This is so confusing!
Your Highness Sis,
“Treating him like a king” isn’t giving him undeserved nice things. It’s treating him as the major decision maker, acknowledging he’s boss, and otherwise LETTING HIM CONVINCE HIMSELF that you recognize his superior position in the relationship. IOW he rules the roost, and you learn to rule the rooster such that he’s not offended. That’s why and when indirectness, patience, and forethought about the future work for you.
The most easily recognizable form of your respect in hubby’s eyes are words and actions that signify your gratefulness for who he is and what he does. Many smiles, enjoyable sex, and delightful treats carry much more weight than big surprises and gifts. To keep gifts from being unearned in his eyes, tie them to something he’s done. For example, he returns home early or unexpectedly from a business trip. Give him all the credit with a favorite dinner, foot rub, or flirty invitations with more meaning to him than you. Or, he sweats through lengthy lawn work and you give him a cold beer/lemonade and pay attention to him as he enjoys the respite of your making.
Guy