I close this series with thoughts from a previous post. It applies to men with a conscience about faithfulness to their wives and not to repeaters and serial cheaters.
Three noticeable phases face each marriage. Awareness enables wives to prepare, prevent, and prevail. (Some women also pass through these phases, but we describe men here.)
The two-year glitch arrives quietly as romantic love fades away in a couple’s second year together. Both undergo transformation. If an enduring kind of love has not developed mutually, unfaithfulness and separation may not be far off.
· Husband’s enduring love lies in the foundation of respect she has earned, especially before conquest, and her likeability as supportive mate. Her enduring love springs from the current and anticipated gratefulness for him and what he does. He looks at what she is; she looks at what he can be.
The seven-year itch arrives when his wandering eye opens. Many situations challenge him. Devotion to her and commitment to vows are essential for surviving natural pressures on him.
· She’s in charge. Years earlier she chose a man susceptible to wander. Or, she chose a man devoted instead of just committed to her, and a man with sufficient character to honor his vows. If she didn’t or couldn’t, avoidance is difficult. Forgiveness is the next best thing, and forgetfulness is absolutely essential.
The twenty-year switch arrives when he wants to start over and hopes to do so with a trophy.
· It’s a dream that slowly builds as his sense of significance fades, which the mid-life crisis is all about. He aspires to rejuvenation, and he’s just dying to prove it to himself with an attractive woman. He may even aspire to raise another child to overcome earlier mistakes. Or, he may simply want to prove to himself that wife has been wrong all these past many years.
For the glitch, itch, and switch, she prepares best by knowing men and her man, females and herself, and that she has unique and powerful skills for relationship management.
Throughout life and these crisis points, the harder she tries to ensure his fidelity, the more likely she will fail. We all get what we think about the most. If she constantly worries about his faithfulness, she sends signals that push him away from her. Honest-to-goodness trust provides the greatest help for her.
9 Comments
10/16/2009 at 12:51 pm
I agree with your last statement but I believe trust must be in context a good relationship. Blind trust = I’m not very likable and I don’t try to please my husband or help him but I “trust” him not to stray. Real trust=I am doing my part to be a friend, helper, lover etc. to my husband and now I’m trusting God and my husband with the rest.
To paraphrase the bible: faith (trust) without works is dead.
If you have faith in your marriage, you’ll work at it by dying to self to make it work. I personally can’t be a good woman without dying to my natural, selfish tendencies.
11/02/2009 at 1:04 am
I’ve been married for 5 years. My husband had his first affair 6 months into the marriage. I found out about it one day before our 1 year anniversary.
I immediately wanted a divorce, but he promised to change and said he wouldn’t do it again. It wasn’t about me, he said, it just happened.
He had another affair 6 months later. She got pregnant and had the child. We tried counseling but I’ve just had a hard time understanding what’s happening here.
When he told me about the pregnancy, he said they’d only had sex a few times. I confronted the woman myself (his boss) and she said it was going on for several months before she got pregnant and he told her he was divorcing me. She also said that anytime she tried to encourage him to divorce me sooner – she’d sometimes say negative things about me to make herself look better. She told me he’d snap at her and say “don’t talk about her like that, you’re not half the woman she is.”
The truth is, we were not getting a divorce. I thought things were going fine until he started acting distant one day. I asked him if he was cheating. He said no. Two months later, I find out he’s having a baby w/ this woman.
He apologized again and again and said that he was molested as a child and that he gets in a dark place and has really self destructive behaviors. I forgave him eventually, after being separated for some time. I’ve accepted and love the child.
Since then, he’s had another affair that I know of and was found to be having inappropriate sexual conversations with a woman who was my best friend for close to 10 years.
I filed for divorce and have been very depressed and upset by all that’s happened. After about 6 months of separation (I found out about him and my friend 6 months ago) he’s asking me to take him back. He’s cried, apologized and assured me that he’s seeking God and wants to be a better man.
I still love him, but I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him. I’m not a perfect wife – but I’ve tried to care for him and love him. I put his needs before mine, and I seem to be loyal to a fault with him. My mother thinks I’m too forgiving and that he may never really change if I stay married to him.
I’ve always made more money than him, but I don’t separate the money at all. We lump it all together and I never throw it in his face. He has admitted that my success hurts his ego – but he said he tries not to let it get to him.
I know you’re not dear Abby, and you don’t have to approve this comment if you don’t want to – but I don’t have a father or any male influence that can give me some perspective on this situation.
I feel like I’ve taken so much from this man, and I still love him, but I am hesitant to forgive him another time. I don’t blame myself for his infidelity, and I know that biblically I can leave, but I don’t want to make a mistake and leave a man that could eventually become faithful and more wonderful as he ages. He’s a great provider, a good listener, he’s fun and he makes me laugh. He’s been my best friend – but this is something he’s done since we married and I just can’t understand it.
I know it’s hard to give advice w/ you have so little info. But from a male perspective, can you give me any insights or wisdom about how I might handle this like a wise woman?
Your Princesstial Highness Seeking Answers,
Other ladies have provided much wisdom. I have no answers, but I see some weaknesses that have soured your marriage.
The most prominent is this: He lacks respect for you, which means you lack self-respect. Your comments demo it. Viewed from his perspective:
• You love his new kid. What for? It means you’re desperate to keep husband. Hence, you lack self-respect.
• You love him but don’t trust him. It’s a disconnect for the male mind. You appear desperate and lose his respect.
• He promises, you believe, he cheats, and you accept it. How much respect can be earned that way?
• You’re loyal to a fault to him and your mom thinks you’re too eager to forgive. How does that impact him? You’re desperate to keep him?
• You forgive but he won’t reciprocate with changed behavior. Also, he won’t let you forget, so it twists your self-respect and self-image out of shape.
• You file for divorce and get depressed. Why not file for freedom and let him get depressed?
• He said his cheating wasn’t about you. Right! Then that means his fidelity is not about you.
You’re his housekeeper. Remember, men need only a place to flop, eat, throw their things, and prepare for tomorrow’s battles. His needs are met, and yours go wanting.
Until he loses you physically and emotionally, he will not change. He may not change after that, but it’s all you have left to work with.
Guy
11/02/2009 at 11:07 am
SeekingAnswers I’m so sorry for what you are going through. My x-husband was similar. I did divorce him but I often wonder if I could/should have stuck it out. I am very interested in what Guy has to say.
11/02/2009 at 11:33 am
Dear Seeking,
My husband of four decades says, “be true to yourself and your values, keep your dignity, and surround yourself in community with people of good, godly character.”
I wonder, is your husband a believer? Does he have any good male friends — strong men of godly character who would hold him accountable and with whom he could regularly meet? With his childhood issues, he may still need a professional counselor for guidance in how to work through and relinquish past hurts.
Remember that “with God all things are possible.” (Mark 10:27) But also, give your expectations to Him (Ps. 62:5). In other words, the details and the timetable are God’s to work out. Pray for your husband, put him in God’s hands, and leave him there. Ask God to give you wisdom, and ask Him to work in your husband’s heart that which is needed. Let God determine, and deal with, the specifics.
I am praying for you.
11/02/2009 at 1:32 pm
SeekingAnswers,
just to let you know that i’m thinking of you.
i am always baffled by what gives men the entitlement, the sheer gall, to treat women, especially women they purport to love in such a demeaning and undermining way?
the key for me lies here. i quote Sir Guy, “She’s in charge. Years earlier she chose a man susceptible to wander. Or, she chose a man… with sufficient character to honor his vows. If she didn’t or couldn’t, avoidance is difficult.”
i took the following from an article i read in a magazine some years ago, “Ultimately it is a decision ONLY you can make. No one can mistreat you without YOUR permission.
The despair you are experiencing comes directly from trying to manage and control what you cannot – HIM AND HIS LIFE. Think about all the attempts you’ve made: the endless speeches, the pleading, threats, bribes, maybe even violence. And remember, too, how you’ve felt after each failed attempt. Your self esteem slipped another notch, and you became more anxious, more helpless, more filled with anger.
The only way out of all this is to LET GO, because he will almost never change in the face of pressure from you. If you are the reason HE’S GIVING UP a behaviour, later on you’ll be the reason he gives for RESUMING.”
like Rita, i am also very interested in what Sir Guy has to say.
be strong,
11/02/2009 at 1:46 pm
From an internet forum-paraphrased from a Dr. Dobson book called “Love Must Be Tough”:
Wrong natural things include: crying, begging, pleading, grabbing him, coercing him, scolding him, ridiculing him, putting the guilt-trip on him, or making a plea bargain with him…I will be a better wifey by ___________ OR “you name it, and you can have it.”
According to Dr. James Dobson, the reason why all of these are inappropriate behaviors is because the wifey GAVE UP THE RESPECT SHE HAD FOR HERSELF. IF WE DON’T RESPECT OURSELVES, NO ONE ELSE WILL!!! Also, love is not based on conditions, it is on a freewill basis.
He suggests following the principle of “Tough Love” as well as giving him the “desired space” that he wants with NO strings attached.
Doing this is very hard!!! However, the benefits are him pulling back towards the wifey….in hope of rekindiling the fire and of course reconciliation. It is not a full-proof method, as some marriages are beyond the point of no return.
I highly suggest the book, “Love Must Be Tough” written by Dr. James Dobson if you or someone you know is going through this.
11/02/2009 at 1:49 pm
aww Seeking Answers, wish I could hug you
I can tell your heart is breaking. I’m so sorry.
I believe in Trustworthy, not Trust. Perhaps you can give your husband the chance to prove trustworthiness.
Let him court you, chastely. You live in separate homes and he calls you to invite you for dates. You let him pick up up, pay for dates, entertain you well, and drop you at home. And this time, you use your hardheadedness to judge his worthiness of you. Allow for lots and lots of time to let his character speak.
In the meantime, you do things that enhance your self image to yourself. You make yourself happy. Live a fun happy life. Make yourself look and feel beautiful. New clothes, new hair, makeover, pedicure, shoe shopping, gym membership, weekends away with your girlfriends. When you get to the place where you are happy again you will be able to see more clearly who he really is and if you still want him.
You are the prize. See if he is willing to do what it takes to earn you.
11/02/2009 at 3:01 pm
I was going to suggest the same thing as LB – put some distance between you and Mr. Wanderer. It will help keep your head clear, and may make you realize good (or bad) qualities about him that you never knew; and it will force him to pursue you and change his behavior. If you learn more bad qualities about him, then that will make it easier for you to proceed with divorce with a clear conscience.
Frankly, I don’t trust him — he’s proven himself unworthy and unfaithful multiple times, so be very VERY cautious about going forward with any sort of relationship with him. There are probably many things about you and his relationship with you that he likes, and wants to have in his life, and misses when he doesn’t have it… but whether it’s enough to keep his eye, mind, and heart from wandering is still much too early to tell. It’s one thing to want to lose weight; it’s another thing to actually *do* it. It’s one thing to say that you are trying to lose weight, but if you say that while you stare at the dessert table, that ain’t gonna happen.
He seems almost like a drug addict — wanting to quit (or at least telling you/others he wants to quit), but being unable to, and unwilling to take the steps to keep himself pure. The book “Every Man’s Battle” may help him with that. Just as a drug addict or a drunkard will continue to slip and fall if he continues to surround himself with his old friends and old habits, so will a man battling sexual impurity. In both cases, they need to break old habits — to “flee temptation” as the Bible puts it. Without action, his apologies and promises of reform are empty words.
He needs to surround himself with honest, honorable, godly men who will keep him accountable, to help him “bear his burden,” “strengthen his weaknesses,” and to pray with and for him.
11/02/2009 at 5:55 pm
If he isn’t willing to do as Kathy and others have suggested, I’d have to assume he “want to have his cake and eat it too.”