718. Spill Your Guts, End Up In Ruts — Second Rut


This post continues my attack on the principle of full disclosure but not the details or propriety of disclosing one’s thoughts and feelings to another. I use the definition near the top of yesterday’s article, 717.

Full disclosure creates many more self-inflicted wounds to females than cited yesterday:

  • He’s more easily convinced of her value, when he by himself discovers and evaluates her worth to him and his self-interest.
  • Women have an uncanny ability to figure out a man in context of what he should know about her to brighten her future. Full disclosure short circuits this ability.  
  • She acts suspicious and distrustful, if he acts differently from what she expects from her disclosures. Suspicion and distrust easily spill over to impact sexual fidelity.
  • Men don’t disclose fully, even if pressured into it by counseling pressures. They only disclose what they absolutely have to in order to preserve self-interest.
  • When a woman discloses deep heart and soul details that a man would never share, she comes across desperate.    
  • If he won’t rise to meet her expectations before conquest, he certainly won’t after full disclosure.  
  • If he mistreats her, it signals lack of respect. Full disclosure only makes it worse.
  • Full disclosure that emerges with fault-finding through the marriage years burdens both spouses. They mostly learn, however, to live with it.

In the end, a woman should disclose only what she uncovers about him that makes him find her attractive and desirable for a long-term investment of his time and effort. Unfair? Of course, but it makes Nature work for her.

17 Comments

Filed under Fickle female

17 responses to “718. Spill Your Guts, End Up In Ruts — Second Rut

  1. Abigail

    I notice women in their 60s and over really are more reserved than younger women and I guess they were conditioned and taught to be that way. (I might not have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes) Probably a good idea to glean as much information from the older set as possible before they die off. :(

    I honestly believe shows like the Oprah Winfrey show (the old episodes from the 80s in particular) really confused things. The shows encouraged everyone to be out in the open about everything and it’s done so much damage. Some things are best left unsaid.

    How did women of old KNOW to behave in a reserved way? Was it from the Christian religion or have smart women always known it?

  2. Robin

    Yeah, I’m having a hard time with all this. I understand it, but I don’t like it. Abigail is right about Oprah, Donahue and all those other daytime talk shows that dealt with relationships. All they talked about, and still do, is about the importance of communication. So, we learn this, and wonder why our husbands/boyfriends don’t get it. I have had many occasions where I’m talking to him only to realize I’m the only one conversing, and he’s in the middle of reading a book or his email, watching a tv show or reprogramming his phone. I want to throw a brick at him sometimes!!

    But, my husband is definitely a man of good character and is very responsible. A real winner. I often don’t feel worthy.

  3. LB

    I think that one of the reasons we tend to go on and on (blah blah blah) with our husbands or boyfriends is that we are seeking their validation and approval. It is as if women want a man to say on a regular basis, “Yes I see all of you including the ugly parts and I still like you…”.

    Approval seeking isn’t attractive behavior – men are doing us a favor by ignoring it. It kills our mystery.

    Perhaps women of the previous generations understood that real and lasting validation of self comes from within. They didn’t need to seek it from a man because these women were, in the best sense, full of themselves.

    Just my ideas…

    • not-so-annonymous-Anne

      Hmmm… a thought: perhaps seeing the ugly part and still loving is the role of the dad, expressed in good disciplining during the growing-up years. Instead, the husband expects a post-disciplined wife, selected by himself for this and other great qualities. So maybe the wife shoots herself in the foot by talking too much about things for which she seeks validation and approval because the husband does not want to have reason to *not* approve or validate, as it reflects poorly *himself* (on his choice of a wife). Hence the “ignoring” part (or knee-jerk validation every time…)

      Your Highness Anne,
      Well said again. You make perfect sense of the difference I intend when I use the terms cherish and devoted differently. Thanks.
      Guy

  4. Abigail

    LB, excellent points. I sent a friend of mine this post and she feels that if a guy can’t handle all of her issues etc. then ^&(^ him. So do you ladies (or Guy) feel that women of today just need to confide all those things to their girlsfriends or “keep their own counsel” sharing only with God?

    I was thinking about Oprah again…not to pick on her but she doesn’t have what I want. Never married. No kids. A loooong term relationship with Stedman-WHY did they never marry? I would never give up a simple domestic life for what she has. So why should I listen to anything she says? I don’t mean to be hurtful. She seems well intentioned but she’s done a LOT of damage to women.

  5. LB

    Hmmm, I’ve learned the hard way that some things are best left private. Other things are best shared with a trusted and close girlfriends and yet others are for Grandmas and therapists only… Grandmas are great listeners.

    I’m with you Abigail… Oprah and the rest of pop culture have nothing for me.

  6. B.

    This is a very thought-provoking post, Guy. And I have to say I agree with your commenters as well. Oprah, though entertaining sometimes, has become sort of our national shoulder-to-cry-on. And all that “crying” is somehow seen as good for us. And it’s affected everything from what we expect from our marriages to how we want our country governed. Reticent people are seen as evasive & dishonest, while the let-it-all-hang-out folks are judged to be trustworthy & even more psychologically sound.

    I see this attitude in the religious arena, too. People that attend services in denominations that are known as “high church” are more likely to be considered uptight; those who worship in a church with a more casual style are probably happier, & better all-around citizens.

  7. Robin

    LB, I think you may be on to something. I am always seeking validation and/or approval no matter what I do. It’s actually kind of pathetic, but it’s just always been my default position. I know it about myself, and I try to catch it as I’m doing it. I never thought of it in terms of getting that from my husband. I guess, in his mind, marrying me and staying with me are his way of validating me. I don’t need to continually justify myself to him with words. Just keep doing things to keep him happy. Thanks for pointing that out.

    Agree again about Oprah and company. Sadly, many women are being “churched” by her every day. I used to be one of them, but it never made my life better.

  8. LB

    Robin,

    You wrote, “Just keep doing things to keep him happy”. I would add, in moderation. :)

    Doing “too much” can backfire on you… men are soooo different from us. Even with your very best intentions, doing too much for a man can come across as doting, mothering and babying. Not good.

    On the otherhand, men looove to be with happy and satisfied women who KNOW that they “have what all men want” (to quote His Highness Guy).

    When you do things that make yourself happy and satisfied you are validating yourself as a worthy human and a feminine woman. What makes YOU happy? What makes YOU satisfied, feel pretty? Do more of those things. I bet it will make hubby’s eyes light up much more than doing one more thing “for him”. (Getting his eyes to light up is very validating… don’t you think?)

  9. boomer babe

    (just looking at other numbers Sir Guy) Teenage girls spill their guts to these guys and I DONT SEE TEENAGE COUPLES anymore. Isn’t it because the boys have no money because of no summer jobs, or is the teenage girls giving too much. It’s hard to believe they are having a lot of sex together because I dont see them holding hands and being ‘lovey-dovey”. If I do , its because the GIRLS are ‘grabbing’ the guys hand while hes busy shaking it off……sigh…….

    Your Delightfulness Boomer Babe,
    You don’t see teenage couples, because the guys don’t have to spend time with a girl. She yields, and he gets about his business of growing up. When girls don’t put out, boys hang around them all the time and couple up as boys think necessary to get one to yield. Nature is very simple, if we don’t try to read into it something that ain’t true.
    Guy

    • Abigail

      My 17 year old daughter and her girlfriends are all virgins (a couple are perhaps virtual virgins). They have a lot of male friends but the friends never couple up. I’m glad for this because it’s a lot of temptation. Sometimes though…one of the guys goes off and gets himself a girlfriend from outside the group…I’m not sure if this is so he can have sex with a girl who will put out or if perhaps by my daughter and her friend being too chummy with their guy friends, if they lose mystery for the guys.

      I hope my question makes sense. I’m very glad my daughter doesn’t have sex but I sometimes fear she will never marry because of being too chummy—not being mysterious enough to guys.

      Your Brillianceness Abigail,

      You’re right on both counts: They go after another girlfriend for sex AND they are more free to do so. Daughter and friends’ chummyness provides comfortable shelter where the boys can return. The boys are far too comfortable surrounded by girls that seek comfort WITH boys instead of WITH girls.

      The boys know the girls too well, because the girls tend toward full disclosure and the boys don’t. Teen experiences should teach girls better, but today’s teen world discourages it.

      The essence is this: If girls don’t make boys compete for female attentions, boys have nothing but freedom to do as they please. Teen girls either tame boys with female STRENGTHS and INDEPENDENCE, or boys grow into men that can’t or won’t please single women.

      Guy

      • Abigail

        So, if you’ll forgive me for being slow…do you feel that these girls shouldn’t allow the boys to hang out with them in groups because in a sense they are being “easy” (even though no sex is being exchanged)?

        Your Beauteousness Abigail,

        Exactly. If the boys don’t have to pay a price to associate, they never learn to step up to female standards and expectations.

        Guy

  10. Abigail

    Thank you Guy!

  11. Hush

    My teenage son has always seemed to have strong morals. In his freshman year of high school, last year, he was disgusted by the boys moving from girl to girl, week to week. He had only one interest in one girl at the beginning of the school year, and that was extinguished when a male ‘friend’ came up as he and the girl were chatting outside the girl’s restroom and said, “Why don’t you two just go into the bathroom and have sex!” My son felt pressured and was upset at this ‘friend’. He chose to no longer go around him. It was embarrassing for him. And he did let the girl know that he did not put that boy up to anything; however, he discontinued speaking with her because he wasn’t convinced that she trusted him.

    This school year, he decided he wanted to return to the private Christian school he used to attend and he left the public school. He has always had an “old soul” (as does my daughter), and he didn’t feel his peers in the public school he was in had similar values to his (morally, spiritually nor politically, actually).

    Since he has always been this way, I don’t expect he’ll change his values; however, I know he will soon become a man and have male traits, instincts, etc. I am proud of him, though. It has to be tough in today’s environment for someone his age to stand up to their peers and let them know he has no desire to act in that manner.

  12. Always-the-Lady

    Hi Guy,
    I just realized you had this orientation section, so I’m trying catch myself up. The last part of this blog post has me confused: “In the end, a woman should disclose only what she uncovers about him that makes him find her attractive and desirable for a long-term investment of his time and effort.”

    Maybe I’m not clear on what is meant by “full disclosure.” Is there another section on that? I tend to be pretty reserved and private for the most part but wonder if maybe I’ve been guilty of disclosing too much at times, especially if a man presses for details for example if I let him know I’m unavailable for some activity on a weekend. Or when I’m under stress as I was a few months ago helping to take care of my parents who were both very ill (they’re better now). During that time, I poured out my heart to a potential suitor about how very emotionally and physically overwhelming the whole experience was.

    From reading this, I wonder if I need to exercise just a bit more restraint.

    Your Highness Always-the-Lady,
    I’ll respond with a P.S. later today or early Tuesday. Tough schedule today.
    Guy

    P.S. Full disclosure means to explain yourself, complain about others, share your deeper feelings, or disclose your emotional reactions about a guy’s words or actions. Therefore, don’t disclose yourself beyond what he needs to know at any given time in order to retain his interest in you. Don’t feed him too much info that can be used to judge you before he earns knowledge of you. Remember, men don’t appreciate unearned gifts, and disclosing yourself too soon makes it unearned info.

    G.

    P.P.S. There isn’t a specific full disclosure series, but I think its covered pretty well in the Female Malpractice series. If not, search the whole blog for it.

    G.

  13. Kaikou

    Sir Guy, what’s the best way to deflect questioning from women? I have been invited to participate in a women’s group. Mind you I have never been a girlfriends having type. I have had 5 or less girlfriends my whole life. But there are older women in this group. Overall I am worried that they will question me too much. 1. Because I am just quiet in general. 2. My seemingly young age and naivete or inexperience (which is not true), I just don’t go around talking about myself like ever. But when people start asking questions eventually I don’t know how to deflect them. Women are harder, because they expect to share. How do I maintain my boundary especially when it comes to my age and experience?

    Lady Kaikou

    Your Highness Kaikou,

    Only you can tell. I suggest giving them a ‘test drive’ for some number of sessions that you determine, say 5, 7, or 10. After that many sessions and not before, STOP and ask yourself if you feel better about yourself as a result. If no, drop out and don’t look back. If yes, figure out how to make it better for you.

    Don’t even begin to think I’m talking about adding to your natural self-centeredness. By deferring your decision until after a predetermined number of sessions, you leave self-centeredness by the side of the road. The process is just sound decision making.

    Guy

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