Her Highness Sara at 756 said: “…do you have any tips on how to know if a guy is the right one or not?” No, I don’t. So, I’ll lead off with the big picture today and tomorrow. Then tips will follow that help identify Mr. Wrong.
First, I believe women err trying to find Mr. Right or declaring someone as the ‘right one’. Identify a Mr. Good Enough and test, evaluate, and build from there.
Men are only candidates with potential for husbanding and fathering, until each woman sees years later that she made the right choice. Calling any man the right one weakens her ability to think, reason, and evaluate him for helping fulfill her hopes and dreams after romantic love fades.
Second, love doesn’t hold a couple together, because romantic love ultimately fades after the first year or two. Eternal love and marital glue comes from mutual respect, personal closeness, likeability, and enjoy-ability. But little things eat away at the glue.
Life’s inevitable irritants, frustrations, and personal attacks eat away at marital glue and stability. The groundwork to minimize these negatives should be laid earlier, and pre-conquest provides the greatest opportunity. Consequently, as the relationship expert, most of the burden lies with her.
Men have little interest in preventing future squabbles, especially with a female. They don’t think that way. Their nature focuses on the present, and they can always dominate or manhandle a woman if necessary. Not saying that it’s right, fair, equal, or justified, it’s just Nature. (Feminists tried to change the male nature and failed. Our foremothers mastered the art of harnessing the male nature, and they made patriarchy work for women and children.)
Third, relationships have stages that women need to master in their minds so they don’t run off at the heart. That’s tomorrow.
You have made some profound statements here. First, “…until each woman sees YEARS LATER that she made the right choice” (emphasis mine) is sobering, almost frightening. This is motivation to pray, “Lord, help me to BE the right person, the one You want me to be.” Second, having been married over 40 years, I know that romantic love does fade. However, I also know that those embers can still be fanned into flame at times — that’s part of the “enjoy-ability” you name as part of the “marital glue.” What you say about women being the “relationship experts” is so true; we ARE the ones who do best with taking out the garbage of “life’s inevitable irritants, frustrations, and personal attacks.” Some things need to be discussed (there is a difference between being a servant or being a doormat). But, many things can be ignored. A saying by Emerson applies in so many situations: “Speak the affirmative; emphasize your choice by utter ignoring of all that you reject.” There is also a difference between responding and reacting. I know that when I think first, rather than reacting in anger, my response feeds love, and in turn, engenders a quiet response and a deepening of the relationship.
I just can’t wrap my mind around the concept that for men, we say it’s just nature, and for women we say we are the the experts, so therefore, we are responsible. I think maybe I’ve been fed to much garbage (feminist ideas?)growing up, so as to hinder me from really getting the right picture in my mind on how things should be… I’ve been taught that men should love their wives like Christ loves the church–doesn’t that imply that men are responsible too for the success of a relationship? I completely agree that one can’t know for sure if it’s mr. Right, but just like there is a right and wrong way for a female to act/be/live, can’t there be the same and just as high a standard for males? Correct me if I’m wrong, but what I’m getting from what you’ve said is that ladies are supposed to do most of the work in a relationship. For lack of a better word, I just don’t see how that’s fair.
I think both should be putting in just as much effort in to a relationship, even though they may go about that in different ways.
I’m sorry if I totally missed what you were trying to get across, but I’m definitely trying to understand.
Looking forward to tomorrows post.
Your Delightfulness Sara,
I focus on three things, since it’s all about WWNH: The male nature, the female nature, and what women don’t know about making the sexes compatible in relationships. Men don’t know either, but their nature tells them otherwise. For example, men see no need for relationship maintenance, and it polarizes them against the woman that brings it up. Of course it’s not fair, and neither is life.
Yes, men have equal responsibility, but women don’t seem to grasp how ‘equal’ works out between two different and very opposed natures. In practice, the fair interdependency of mini-responsibilities aka workloads can breed compatibility, which makes ‘equal’ go away. Again, it’s another set of mini-decisions that women negotiate best, because by nature they are more flexible.
When you hear me say women are responsible because they are the experts, I’m citing sex differences. Men are NOT relationship experts by Nature, and so if women want compatible relationships with a man, they must exploit their respective natures instead of what they think makes them equal.
Hope I’ve helped clarify it for you.
Guy
“Different” does not necessarily mean “unequal.” Although I will admit that sometimes, it seems unfair to me that I have to do all the work around the house. (Actually, I don’t do it all, because my husband does sometimes pitch in; but it is the majority.) However, the reality (which I sometimes forget), is that he does 100% of the work outside the home, and makes 100% of the money, yet he doesn’t complain about the inequality of me not making any money, so why should I complain about the “inequality” of anything else? We are responsible, in our separate spheres and separate ways, for our joint lives and marriage, each doing what is in our natural bent and sphere.
Often, it is easy to say, “Ok, you say I’m supposed to do *this*, but what about him — what’s *he* supposed to do??” That’s valid… but it’s wrong. And I say this as someone who needs to hear it every so often! When there are two fallible people involved in a marriage, there is more than enough faults and failure to go around. If each person waits for the other one to get better (or worse, to become perfect!), then neither one will ever get better; and more likely the marriage will dissolve in divorce. But if one person (whomever it bothers most — which is almost always the woman, since we’re the “relationship person”) decides to change the way she acts, then frequently, the man will likewise change.
Sure, the man has the responsibility to be Christ-like. But even if he’s not, that doesn’t give the woman the right to be less than what she’s called to be. And if the man seeks wisdom or counseling in his marriage, then he should be urged to improve himself and his way of relating, without regard to whether his wife is doing what he needs to “deserve” it. [Such as in the movie "Fireproof".]
But it isn’t helpful for a wife to be told all her husband’s faults and shortcomings, any more than it helps a husband to have his wife’s failures pointed out to him. What works is for each person to see his own faults and to seek to change them for the better. If we as wives seek to improve our marriages and our relationships, then we need to focus on what is within our ability to change. And our husbands do NOT fall in that range!! [The only time you can change a man, is when he's a little boy, and you're talking about diapers!
] We have to be subtle. Changing ourselves works better to change him, than trying to change him directly.
So, maybe it’s not “fair”… but then, it’s not exactly fair that Christ suffered the penalty on the cross so that we could be free. Sometimes there is greater benefit in “unfairness.”
Thank you Kathy. Your last comment puts it all in perspective for me.
Mr. Guy,
Yes, thank you, it’s more clear to me now, even though it’s quite hard trying to change my own mentality.
I think I’ve been around too many “christian” families where the whole idea of ladies being the relationships expert is used by the men as a copout. They are allowed to be lazy slobs(spiritually, physically, etc) or whatever, all under the umbrella of being a normal guy, ignorant of any higher obligation.
And just because a guy is naturally good at relationships, isn’t it a part of life, and can’t he acquire those necessary skills? Just like a lady naturally wants to nag, but needs to learn otherwise, can’t men learn too? Granted he will go about nurturing a relationship in a whole different way, but isn’t it possible, as a christian man, to learn that? I’m sorry for all the questions. I guess I’m just thinking outloud.