Yesterday’s post was about in-laws and today it’s about the couple.
Take what follows as his potential as mate and not damnation of him as person. Perception is reality. If you see red flags waving, he may be Mr. Wrong. If not, however, it doesn’t make him Mr. Right.
The flavor of the list conveys all-out suspicion, but it’s not intended that way. It’s about you becoming more perceptive in the course of everyday life.
· Are his promises of commitment confirmed by actions that show devotion? If not, it’s probably too early to commit yourself.
· Do his actions match his words and vice versa? Major deviance can spell dishonesty, phoniness, lack of integrity, or all of the above. Minor differences indicate need for your greater analysis.
· Does he have less education and earn less money than you? If yes, a super-beware is in order. It won’t bother you, but it will eat away at his dignity. Sooner or later he’ll hold it against you, especially the money bit. Moreover, it’s a set of pressures that push men toward someone else.
· Does he seek to earn your devotion with his actions or with words? Trust his actions but verify his words.
· Observe what he does when he thinks you’re not watching. You’ll learn much more than from his words.
· Pay attention to what he does. Those things are important to him. If you complain, offenses against you that he doesn’t repeat can still return after conquest or marriage. So, you should find ways to assess his sincerity. (Again, just be more perceptive about everything without being suspicious of him.)
· Watch for shady or unsteady character. His actions much more than words accurately reflect his role in your life. (Ideal roles look like this: You see much evidence of his devotion through his actions, and you devote to him in his working role, aka his missions in life. Mutual commitment and moral obligations work best as subsets that support mutual devotion.)
In the end you still have to decide. Love often overrides reason, but before it happens you should assess red flags that may forecast undesirable consequences. The final installment of this series flies tomorrow.
My husband makes about 60% of my salary! I asked him if he felt his dignity was compromised and he said, “No, I’d love to see you make even more money!” I said, “Me too!”
There are plenty of ways a man can pull his weight without being the primary breadwinner, and women have a need for dignity too. I like making more money because it makes up for the indignity of women almost always making less.
You know, I take these statements as general truths which bear out most of the times. And if they do not, it is not to the detriment of the relationship, but simply an added bonus. So the fact that some men don’t mind their wives making more than them doesn’t change the general rule, and only means that things are easier for that particular couple.
Your Exceptionalness Denise,
High quality is defined as an unexpected delight, which you’ve provided twice. Thanks.
Guy
Likewise, Guy; your kind words and wisdom brightened my day.
Denise,
That is a good point. But don’t you see a problem with just accepting this as a general rule that women need to accommodate?
Assuming for the sake of argument that this “general rule” is in fact true, maybe men should learn to accept that sometimes women make more money than they do. They would probably be happier (and richer) if they did, and then women wouldn’t have to consider income when choosing a mate or hesitate before pursuing lucrative careers. Win-win.
I used to make more money than my husband. Because he was enlisted Navy and I worked for a Navy contractor, I was allowed in the Officers’ Club and he was not. He thought this was amusing and was glad I was making good money. He was equally glad (and perhaps, happier) when I quit my career to stay home at the birth of our first child. That cut our salary down to less than half, of course, but to this day, 26 years later, he has never given me one bit of grief about my decision, and has always given me free rein with his entire paycheck. Now that is liberating, and if that is patriarchy, then let’s have more, please.
Laurie,
You said, “Assuming for the sake of argument that this ‘general rule’ is in fact true, maybe men should learn to accept that sometimes women make more money than they do. They would probably be happier (and richer) if they did, and then women wouldn’t have to consider income when choosing a mate or hesitate before pursuing lucrative careers. Win-win.”
As a woman pursuing a professional degree, I think that it’s great when men do not feel threatened by a woman’s success. However, I suppose that if a particular man personally takes pride in being able to provide for a woman and being able to do so is important to him, that I won’t be the one to tell him that such pride is misplaced. I won’t attempt to redefine his happiness for him. Not only do I believe that people in general (women and men) should have the freedom to order their relationships according to what makes them personally feel fulfilled, content and connected, but I also think that this desire in men is generally matched with a compatible desire in women to be cared for. Especially being a member of a younger generation in which the men have little notion of what it means to provide for a woman, I see all the time the unhappiness that a lot of young women have in dealing with these men that have no real sense of caring or providing for her. It’s quite pervasive.
Now, not all women feel that way of course, but the fact that some find such ideas paternalistic shouldn’t mean that everyone else has to be re-trained to fall in line with that line of thinking. I agree that the nature of our society and economy can make some salary differences rather arbitrary (i.e. a husband is a Ph.D university prof., and the wife is a J.D. investment banker), and I would hope that a husband who finds himself making less would not allow that to unermine his sense of significance. But I would also have to add that I’ve talked to many women who while they say they don’t mind making more, in some way or another, it changes their view of that man and in one way or another, they don’t respect or appreciate him to the degree that he would like. Or, they don’t appreciate him in the ways that make him feel affirmed. I’m a fresh newbie to this blog, but from what I’ve read, I think the theme of gratitude fits in here, as well as the tendency of modern women to offer love and affection and perceive that as the main thing when what a man is looking for is something different. I think that successful relationships of any sort require giving the other person what they want and need (within bounds of reason and morality of course), not simply what we determine they ought to want or need.
Essentially, while I do agree that maturity can do a lot to mitigate such problems, it takes maturity on both sides; and also, generally it’s easier and more productive to deal with people as they are rather than mandating that they change to fit our ideal.
Denise, you write, “[I]t’s easier and more productive to deal with people as they are rather than mandating that they change to fit our ideal.”
Truer words were never written. If only more people understood them!