PROBLEM. A lady asked for advice. I don’t like to give it, because I never know the full story or characters. But she struck me differently. So, I respond below and invite readers to comment, if I have missed the boat.
Her Highness Elizabeth said: “I think I’m a very feminine woman, especially considering my age (40). Recently, I made a poor choice because I was feeling lonely and needy. I met a great guy, but revealed my feelings way too early. I think I scared him off. Is there a tactful way to re-approach or should I retreat and leave it up to him to re-approach?”
FIRST RESPONSE. Don’t re-approach and don’t retreat. There’s only one tactful way. Recover! Recovery cures pain, if you do it your own way. (See below.) But first:
- If he was scared off by your feelings, he wasn’t after you. He was after sex. You didn’t scare him off; he was unwilling to pay your price to continue.
- Also, don’t take personal whatever he did. He focused on what all women have to offer, and none are unique until he conquers them.
- If you run into him, ignore him as much as courtesy permits. Act as if he never happened. Reveal no regrets or shame. If he tries to renew acquaintance, make him pay a heavier price than others have to pay just to capture and hold your attention. If he won’t, he’s still not after you, just sex. Smile anyway.
- If he seeks to rekindle the spark, don’t let it happen. Treat him as just another dude that you reject, but do it courteously and smilingly. Help him realize that he missed out on a great thing, but he has missed out.
- If he repeatedly over time tries many different ways to patch things up, it could make a difference. You’re still competing over sex, so test whether he’s after you or sex. This might help: “Yes, I’ll date you again, if we start over and you honor without pestering me about my [newfound but] absolute requirement: No sex outside of marriage.”
SECOND RESPONSE. Go on the attack. Reassert, reconfirm, and re-love yourself to yourself in all your glorious independence. Being free of him and his baggage, you deserve it.
- Develop a new habit or two that exposes you to men when you’re alone. For example, start an exercise program. Spend an hour at Starbucks once or twice a week reading a book (but not your laptop; with it you’re not alone). Go to church alone after reading post #42. In all you do make enjoyment of yourself your primary objective. Don’t think about attracting or capturing a man, or you’ll respond poorly to guys that want to rescue you from your loneliness.
- I strongly urge upgrading your appearance in public. Ditch comfort clothing and easy-to-groom appearance. Spend more time fixing up. Add some class when painting the barn.
- Groom and dress classier and more feminine than other females. Change your hair style to something more feminine. It’s not that you necessarily need it, but improvements attract attention, your feminine spirit and confidence will soar, more men will take notice, and you’ll have a new pack of candidates.
- To select a good candidate, you should have several to choose from. But men won’t anoint themselves, unless you appear striking to their manly eyes. Striking to men means more attractive than others nearby or in their minds’ eye.
- Recover? Yes! And do it in your most mysterious, modest, and feminine way? Let your feminine glory shine so the world knows you’re more than just alive.
HOMEWORK. I also suggest reviewing three series listed in the CONTENTS page titled HardToGet, HardToGet Pays Off, and Virtual Virginity. They may help restore you to attack mode. (Don’t look for answers but focus on educating Self about men and you.)
RECAP. My themes above may be overshadowed by the details. Stick to the themes! Retreat when dumped? Never! Re-approach him? Never! Both signify desperation, and men love to capitalize on the weakened hard-headedness and the too-mushy kind-heartedness of desperate females.
Good luck, Your Ladyship, but remember that luck is when preparation meets opportunity.
But Guy, was he just after sex or did she just end the chase? Elizabeth, I did the same thing when I was in college and the way I dealt with it was I acted like nothing ever happened and started treating him like any other guy. And guess what? He started chasing me again.
Your Prettiness Theresa,
Don’t know about sex or chase, so tried to be generic.
Also, you say in one sentence what took me two paragraphs. Yours is both simpler and clearer. Thanks.
Guy
Guy and Theresa,
Thank you both for your very helpful responses to my question. Words cannot express my gratitude for the wisdom shared on these pages. I will continue to study and reflect on these ideas.
It’s really about loving myself, knowing the value of my personal stock and communicating my self worth to others in a respectful and dignified manner.
I’m off in a new direction to recover in a most mysterious, modest and feminine way, which may include a new dress or prettier hairstyle!
Again, many thanks,
Elizabeth
Guy,
This was simply a wonderful post. I am going to refer my grown daughter and her friends to it often.
Thanks so much.
God help me, I can’t find much in this post to disagree with (except perhaps the advice to wear uncomfortable clothes).
The one thing I would add is that I don’t think that “revealing your feelings” was a mistake. While painful, it was a good thing to do because now you know where you stand with this person. You don’t have to wonder whether he is interested because you know that he isn’t. It hurts but at least you can move on to other things with your head held high and your dignity intact, as opposed to passively letting this guy string you along.
It’s peculiar, how you assume that classically feminine clothing is necessarily uncomfortable. No pants in the world are as comfy as my dresses.
Dresses don’t ride up and expose one to ridicule the way pants can.
Mr. Guy, have you already written a post about “clothing language”? I might have to restart my blog and do such a post myself, either way.
Your Prettiness Mrs. Pilgrim,
You should find it hit and miss in the series Boob Language. Much to do with femininity and attractiveness to men.
Guy
Hi Guy!
I’m surprised, but your “advice” was right onthe money in my opinion.
Elizabeth, this man knows his stuff.
Dear Guy,
You began this post by saying you don’t like to give advice. I understand and respect that, and yet would like to ask if you have any insight into the following situation. Even if it’s only in broad generalities, a perspective on how to deal would be helpful.
Basically, there’s someone that I simply have been completely unable to get over emotionally despite moving on in every other way. We were friends in college and he expressed interest, but he never pursued me seriously (while he has pursued others seriously). We kept in touch off and on for a few years, and even at one point it looked like things were heading to something serious. But again, he backed off and pursued someone else. I expect that they’ll be engaged soon. The sayings, “He’s just not that into you,” and “Just find someone new,” have meant little. The odd thing is that he’s really the only man with whom things have worked out this way. I don’t lack for male attention or dates and have had more than one man express interest in marrying me. And I’m honestly not concerned about there being another man who will do the same (I hope that’s not arrogance. Lordwilling, the next man will be a good match). I live nowhere near this man and only talk to him briefly 2-3 times per year. But I think about him multiple times a day. I know that I don’t need him, but it seems that he’s really the only one I want.
I guess I just think about why it turned out this way. I feel like I should be able to fix it. I wonder about what I did wrong that made him go away. Sometimes I can point to one thing or another from WWNH and say, “That must have been it” and “I’m sure that killed his feelings” but then I remember that his pattern of behavior was always the same from the beginning, regardless of what I did. Even at best, he acted very interested but nothing serious was forthcoming. So I can definitely point out my mistakes and I’m thinking maybe I just messed it up and lost him. I was overly sharp with him once because I was upset with a family situation and took it out on him. I apologized, and he accepted, but he seemed to wilt a little. I also made a couple of comments about a couple of faults of his which bothered me, and also attempted to speak with him about it later to see if I had offended him. He acted as if it wasn’t significant. Another time, he put me in a situation where I think he was trying to test me, and I did the wrong thing (nothing sexual!). I honestly don’t know if I’m not giving those incidents enough weight from the perspective of a man, or whether I’m being silly to think a man who’s hung around for years would suddenly lose interest because of that. Maybe his interest just never grew enough in the first place. And if it’s the latter, what should I have done more of?
A part of the confusion, I think, was that we did become emotionally close (physically, not even a kiss was ever exchanged between us–though he asked once and I turned him down because he was dating someone else) and he said multiple times how he had feelings for me and he complimented me often. Even when I lived far away he would call me a lot–at one point multiple times in a day–and share very personal things with me. He referred to me as one of his closest friends. The last time we had a serious conversation, in which I spoke openly about my confusion when he began a relationship with someone else, he said that his feelings had been real, but he chose not to pursue the relationship for various reasons that were very vague and sounded like excuses. He also said “I respect you”, which he’d said before. I interpreted that to mean that he thought well of me but wasn’t interested romantically.
I considered him a truly close friend, and so on top of us not being together romantically, I feel like I lost someone who I thought was a best friend. Perhaps my perception that I no longer matter to him even as a friend hurts more than the lack of a romantic relationship.
I already know that I shouldn’t hold on, and I really don’t want to! If I knew a way to make every thought that lingers about him disappear I’d happily wipe them all away. I feel quite embarrassed because he probably senses that my feelings remain. And I feel ashamed because I expect more of myself and think there has to be something wrong with me that I even care about someone who doesn’t feel the same toward me–and after 2 years! I feel stuck because I feel like I don’t know what went wrong or how to avoid it in the future. Even though there are and will be other suitors, this one was the closest I’ve come to to Mr. Good Enough as far as faith, lifestyle, education, interests, etc. are concerned., and I think I worry that maybe *I’m* not good enough for the type of man I would actually want to marry.
I know this was extremely long. Thank you for your time, and if you have any insight–or just a small word of encouragement–I’d happily take it. I hope to leave all of this behind in this new year.
(written as Anonymous for privacy concerns. Thank you again)
Your Highness Anonymous,
From what you describe, it seems that you long ago weakened your likeability as a potential mate. Accuracy doesn’t matter. As you describe his behavior, he perceived that you’re not the one for him for life. Perception is reality, and whatever appears to be, is.
As long as you waste your time mooning over him, it governs your persona and turns other men off in the same fashion. Nothing more you can do. Forget him and FORGIVE YOURSELF and take up a new persona of giving of yourself to others (charity, community service, etc.). You’ll not likely find happiness until you turn your self-centeredness into other-centeredness and become grateful for others in your life. Then, you’ll have made yourself more attractive as a mate and it will match some man’s fancy.
May I suggest that you start by taking up the daily habits that I describe in posts 806 and 1146?
Guy
Wow, you give horrible advice. This man was obviously not being considering of her feelings–he led her on and couldn’t make up his mind if he wanted to date her or the women he was already dating. “Weakened her likeability as a potential mate”? Couldn’t you have said anything more damaging to a woman who is already blaming herself for what is clearly not her fault?
Your Highness L,
Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.
Guy
You seem to confuse advice with likely conclusion. If you’re interested, we can dissect it more thoroughly. Just drop another line or two.
Guy
Dear Guy,
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I mention the following only for clarity. I am and have always been very active both in church and volunteering in the community. I also spend a lot of time with my family. No one has ever called me self-centered–generally the opposite. I may not be militant about “pretty time” but I do put in effort. Also, I can’t say that anyone else since this man responded to me similarly; the dating relationships I’ve had since then have ended because I didn’t see myself marrying them not because they lost interest.
However, what you said about self-forgiveness seems significant to me. That’s very difficult. Also, I honestly can’t say that I’m genuinely grateful for much in my life, even despite my faith. Despite having a lot, I more often feel disappointed than anything else. But I’m not sure why that’s the case. Is that the self-centeredness you mentioned?
Thank you.
Your Highness Anonymous,
Now I have a better picture. So good, if fact, that I’ve almost completed an article-size daily response. I will publish it in a few day after the current series ends. If you want to get an early start, go to your journal and begin listing all the reasons you are grateful for God and what he does for you. I will deal more with the earthly side.
Also, Happy New Year!
Guy
Sir Guy – How do you feel about gift giving to men, we are fond of but not involved with but associate with through the same social circles. I love to make food for people I am fond of (not just men). In the past I have been hesitant/closed off this side of myself to others who are not part of my close personal circle. In the New Year I want to showcase this more, as well as, other parts of my femininity and personality. It makes me feel fulfilled. But I am not sure how it would look to the “men” acquaintances I have (romantically or not). Should I even care?
Lady Kaikou
Your Highness Kaikou,
Follow your heart but don’t favor one guy over others. Treat them all alike and especially don’t overlook the ugly ones. As to their mistaking your intentions, escaping from those situations is how you become experienced in handling men to your satisfaction and up to your expectations. Go for it, girl. You have one life to live and the more men with whom you become entangled symbolically if not romantically, the more you will learn to love yourself and appreciate them.
Guy
Dear Guy,
I look forward to your article at the conclusion of Lauren and Guy Jr.’s story. Regarding the journal, providentially, I received a new journal for Christmas with the verse printed on the front: “From the fullness of His grace we have all received one blessing after another.” John 1:16 How fitting. It only took a couple of days of writing and reflecting in this new gratitude journal to sense a deep shift in myself. (after the self-forgiveness part) The simplest way I can put it is that it is quite difficult to feel that you are lacking something when you recognize that your life is full and overflowing with goodness. A deep sense of gratitude about my life just leaves no room for the feelings I had been experiencing before.
Over the past day or so, I did gain more insight into the problem that may be of some value to someone. Surprisingly, I realized that more than anything else, I lacked any real appreciation for myself and my value in this world. Before, I would have thought such a thing was vain at best, but I now feel that it’s probably really necessary. I remember times when other men would come into my life and see me as so great while I was just so focused the man in my original post, hoping that he would feel the same as the others did. The reasons for that lack of self-worth are various and sundry, but ultimately I think that I held on to this man in my mind because his ambivalence toward me reflected my own ambivalence toward myself. If I appreciate who I am and my significance, then my relationships will be with people who do the same and not with those who don’t.
Thanks again. You’ve given a gift.