PROBLEM. A lady asked for advice. I don’t like to give it, because I never know the full story or characters. But she struck me differently. So, I respond below and invite readers to comment, if I have missed the boat.
Her Highness Elizabeth said: “I think I’m a very feminine woman, especially considering my age (40). Recently, I made a poor choice because I was feeling lonely and needy. I met a great guy, but revealed my feelings way too early. I think I scared him off. Is there a tactful way to re-approach or should I retreat and leave it up to him to re-approach?”
FIRST RESPONSE. Don’t re-approach and don’t retreat. There’s only one tactful way. Recover! Recovery cures pain, if you do it your own way. (See below.) But first:
- If he was scared off by your feelings, he wasn’t after you. He was after sex. You didn’t scare him off; he was unwilling to pay your price to continue.
- Also, don’t take personal whatever he did. He focused on what all women have to offer, and none are unique until he conquers them.
- If you run into him, ignore him as much as courtesy permits. Act as if he never happened. Reveal no regrets or shame. If he tries to renew acquaintance, make him pay a heavier price than others have to pay just to capture and hold your attention. If he won’t, he’s still not after you, just sex. Smile anyway.
- If he seeks to rekindle the spark, don’t let it happen. Treat him as just another dude that you reject, but do it courteously and smilingly. Help him realize that he missed out on a great thing, but he has missed out.
- If he repeatedly over time tries many different ways to patch things up, it could make a difference. You’re still competing over sex, so test whether he’s after you or sex. This might help: “Yes, I’ll date you again, if we start over and you honor without pestering me about my [newfound but] absolute requirement: No sex outside of marriage.”
SECOND RESPONSE. Go on the attack. Reassert, reconfirm, and re-love yourself to yourself in all your glorious independence. Being free of him and his baggage, you deserve it.
- Develop a new habit or two that exposes you to men when you’re alone. For example, start an exercise program. Spend an hour at Starbucks once or twice a week reading a book (but not your laptop; with it you’re not alone). Go to church alone after reading post #42. In all you do make enjoyment of yourself your primary objective. Don’t think about attracting or capturing a man, or you’ll respond poorly to guys that want to rescue you from your loneliness.
- I strongly urge upgrading your appearance in public. Ditch comfort clothing and easy-to-groom appearance. Spend more time fixing up. Add some class when painting the barn.
- Groom and dress classier and more feminine than other females. Change your hair style to something more feminine. It’s not that you necessarily need it, but improvements attract attention, your feminine spirit and confidence will soar, more men will take notice, and you’ll have a new pack of candidates.
- To select a good candidate, you should have several to choose from. But men won’t anoint themselves, unless you appear striking to their manly eyes. Striking to men means more attractive than others nearby or in their minds’ eye.
- Recover? Yes! And do it in your most mysterious, modest, and feminine way? Let your feminine glory shine so the world knows you’re more than just alive.
HOMEWORK. I also suggest reviewing three series listed in the CONTENTS page titled HardToGet, HardToGet Pays Off, and Virtual Virginity. They may help restore you to attack mode. (Don’t look for answers but focus on educating Self about men and you.)
RECAP. My themes above may be overshadowed by the details. Stick to the themes! Retreat when dumped? Never! Re-approach him? Never! Both signify desperation, and men love to capitalize on the weakened hard-headedness and the too-mushy kind-heartedness of desperate females.
Good luck, Your Ladyship, but remember that luck is when preparation meets opportunity.