At post 780 Her Highness Mary very perceptively questioned me about double standards (DS).
· She said: “It seems that the female is under a pretty heavy burden here, constantly living up to her man’s expectations while he is free to go about his business.”
· She claims that DS “can breed great resentment over time when seen from the women’s view.” She’s very right about resentment, because it springs from a one-sided and polarized view.
The DS battle in the home reflects off the legal, political, and economic DS generated outside the home. Feminists developed the DS argument as a virus to fight patriarchy. DS became contagious across society, spread into the home, and the inflammation of resentment arose in relationships.
Why do women bring it home? Once again, male and female natures differ, so I’ll cut to the chase: Women see a DS, when they favor one particular value over other principles of inter-gender behavior.
· For four decades women have listened to other women about how to handle and what to expect from men. What and how things should be more equal. Male opinions and masculine values were ignored or demeaned during that time.
· Consequently, modern females adopt equality to guide their sense of right and wrong within relationships.
Choices have consequences. Men don’t buy into it.
· DS disturbs rather than smoothes or soothes relationships.
· Reaching for more equal conditions and treatment, women inflame their relationships and demoralize their homes.
· Equality is theory and impossible to achieve beyond subjective opinion. Reaching for it, something else always gets disturbed out of equilibrium. Striving for the impossible produces unresolved differences that stimulate resentment in both striver and ‘strivee’.
· Resentment directly weakens her as the relationship expert. She figuratively eats crackers in her relationship bed, and it eats away at her likeability and his heartfelt bonding with her. Except for sex, men instinctively steer clear of beds littered with resentment crumbs.
Why don’t men buy into equality? On this particular issue, males have the better guide for couples to ease discomfort, judge opinions, and settle disputes.
· Fairness breeds harmony by smothering resentment before it breaks out.
· Fairness works much better than equality in the competitive world outside of relationships, so why not inside? Fairness in the man’s competitive world brings out more easily accepted definitions of right and wrong, more practicality, and better justice.
· Fairness is more than theory. Reasonable common sense can both achieve fairness and promote more of it by minimizing follow-on resentment.
· Equality and fairness are contradictions in principle. The theoretical conflict stimulates wives to compete with husband, which has been shown elsewhere in this blog to turn men off.
· Virtually anything inter-gender can be labeled DS, if one cites differences, seeks excuses, or promotes self-centeredness. On the other hand, every adverse impact can be marginalized, if one seeks to judge right and wrong by fairness and push toward harmony.
What can wives do? They can do better with a game I’ll call Learn and Seek. Appeal more often to husband’s sense of fairness and test it often for softening his natural hard-heartedness.
· Wives can seek more tradeoffs, blending, and balancing of relationship effort and responsibility. They can do better, if they learn to push for greater fairness-in-fact and forget pursuit of equality-in-principle.
· Moms can set good examples daily. They can remind kids to play fair; they can forget the modern day emphasis on outcomes. Forget ‘Winning is everything!’ Return to ‘…it’s how one plays the game’.
· Husband’s primary goal in marriage is harmony in the home. Wife’s is a brighter future for their relationship. The former helps deliver the latter, so who has the greater interest in building harmony?
Summary: Striving for equality erodes harmony, frustrates wife, and can lead to resentment in one or both spouses. Fairness as primary measuring stick of relationship right and wrong can deliver both harmony for him and brighter future for her.
People like to claim that life’s not fair, but it gets fairer when wives flush away DS as ‘not in my home’.