At post 780 Her Highness Mary very perceptively questioned me about double standards (DS).
· She said: “It seems that the female is under a pretty heavy burden here, constantly living up to her man’s expectations while he is free to go about his business.”
· She claims that DS “can breed great resentment over time when seen from the women’s view.” She’s very right about resentment, because it springs from a one-sided and polarized view.
The DS battle in the home reflects off the legal, political, and economic DS generated outside the home. Feminists developed the DS argument as a virus to fight patriarchy. DS became contagious across society, spread into the home, and the inflammation of resentment arose in relationships.
Why do women bring it home? Once again, male and female natures differ, so I’ll cut to the chase: Women see a DS, when they favor one particular value over other principles of inter-gender behavior.
· For four decades women have listened to other women about how to handle and what to expect from men. What and how things should be more equal. Male opinions and masculine values were ignored or demeaned during that time.
· Consequently, modern females adopt equality to guide their sense of right and wrong within relationships.
Choices have consequences. Men don’t buy into it.
· DS disturbs rather than smoothes or soothes relationships.
· Reaching for more equal conditions and treatment, women inflame their relationships and demoralize their homes.
· Equality is theory and impossible to achieve beyond subjective opinion. Reaching for it, something else always gets disturbed out of equilibrium. Striving for the impossible produces unresolved differences that stimulate resentment in both striver and ‘strivee’.
· Resentment directly weakens her as the relationship expert. She figuratively eats crackers in her relationship bed, and it eats away at her likeability and his heartfelt bonding with her. Except for sex, men instinctively steer clear of beds littered with resentment crumbs.
Why don’t men buy into equality? On this particular issue, males have the better guide for couples to ease discomfort, judge opinions, and settle disputes.
· Fairness breeds harmony by smothering resentment before it breaks out.
· Fairness works much better than equality in the competitive world outside of relationships, so why not inside? Fairness in the man’s competitive world brings out more easily accepted definitions of right and wrong, more practicality, and better justice.
· Fairness is more than theory. Reasonable common sense can both achieve fairness and promote more of it by minimizing follow-on resentment.
· Equality and fairness are contradictions in principle. The theoretical conflict stimulates wives to compete with husband, which has been shown elsewhere in this blog to turn men off.
· Virtually anything inter-gender can be labeled DS, if one cites differences, seeks excuses, or promotes self-centeredness. On the other hand, every adverse impact can be marginalized, if one seeks to judge right and wrong by fairness and push toward harmony.
What can wives do? They can do better with a game I’ll call Learn and Seek. Appeal more often to husband’s sense of fairness and test it often for softening his natural hard-heartedness.
· Wives can seek more tradeoffs, blending, and balancing of relationship effort and responsibility. They can do better, if they learn to push for greater fairness-in-fact and forget pursuit of equality-in-principle.
· Moms can set good examples daily. They can remind kids to play fair; they can forget the modern day emphasis on outcomes. Forget ‘Winning is everything!’ Return to ‘…it’s how one plays the game’.
· Husband’s primary goal in marriage is harmony in the home. Wife’s is a brighter future for their relationship. The former helps deliver the latter, so who has the greater interest in building harmony?
Summary: Striving for equality erodes harmony, frustrates wife, and can lead to resentment in one or both spouses. Fairness as primary measuring stick of relationship right and wrong can deliver both harmony for him and brighter future for her.
People like to claim that life’s not fair, but it gets fairer when wives flush away DS as ‘not in my home’.
I’m still chewing on this one Guy but I’m wondering if you have a different definition of fairness than I do? I’ve found that within my home if I focus on what is “fair” I easily descend into the abyss of resentment. For example, my husband as a fairly typical man does not see dirt or disorder in the home in the same way that I do nor does he “address it” like I would like to see it addressed. Therefore, the balance of work in the home and with the children is not at all “fair”. I work very hard in the home. He does not. It certainly is not fair.
Yes, he supports the family and I do not but, currently, he is not employed….again(at this time)the balance of work seems really out of whack.
With my feminist indoctrination as a young girl I have had to give up any idea of “fair” and just do what is right. My conversion to Christianity has given me the strength to do this because I know that something greater is at stake here and that is that I am building (with my husband) a family that will last for generations.
I also teach my children that life is not always fair but they can still choose to do what is right and be much stronger for it.
I am a woman who is cherished by my husband and he is happy and proud to that I have never supported the family during our 27 year long marriage with our large family… I appreciate his love and support and hard work to keep us afloat through good times and not so good times….but, meanwhile, those dirty dishes continually need to be washed and the unglamorous jobs of home building push my feminist buttons and whisper “unfair”.
Your Exceptionalness Jill F.
Thanks for providing an opportunity to help me clarify the issue. I’ll create a new response mold by copying your entire comment in CAPS and injecting my thoughts lower case.
No fault-finding intended; I intend merely to clarify differences in how equality fuels and fairness smothers domestic disputes.
• I’M STILL CHEWING ON THIS ONE GUY BUT I’M WONDERING IF YOU HAVE A DIFFERENT DEFINITION OF FAIRNESS THAN I DO? Fairness is always a subjective judgment, but it’s largely agreeable to everyone concerned.
• I’VE FOUND THAT WITHIN MY HOME IF I FOCUS ON WHAT IS “FAIR” I EASILY DESCEND INTO THE ABYSS OF RESENTMENT. Methinks you focus on ‘equal’ rather than ‘fair’, because he’s not involved in your judgments.
• FOR EXAMPLE, MY HUSBAND AS A FAIRLY TYPICAL MAN DOES NOT SEE DIRT OR DISORDER IN THE HOME IN THE SAME WAY THAT I DO NOR DOES HE “ADDRESS IT” LIKE I WOULD LIKE TO SEE IT ADDRESSED. You’re right; he’s typical and it’s expected. You’re the nester, not him. Home to him is to flop, eat, and recover for tomorrows’ battles, and it requires far less order, cleanliness, and neatness than she expects. When he does more of what she likes to see, it’s usually to please his woman.
• THEREFORE, THE BALANCE OF WORK IN THE HOME AND WITH THE CHILDREN IS NOT AT ALL “FAIR”. You mean it’s unequal, because he’s not involved calling it fair. He accepts whatever has developed and settled over the course of the marriage. It’s also as expected until wife somehow gets it changed. He has missions in life; she has living as her mission.
• I WORK VERY HARD IN THE HOME. HE DOES NOT. IT CERTAINLY IS NOT FAIR. Aren’t you judging fairness by the inequities? Does he acknowledge that he doesn’t work hard in the home? Or as hard as he should, if home life is to be fair?
• YES, HE SUPPORTS THE FAMILY AND I DO NOT BUT, CURRENTLY, HE IS NOT EMPLOYED….AGAIN(AT THIS TIME)THE BALANCE OF WORK SEEMS REALLY OUT OF WHACK. Why? More unequal? Doesn’t job hunting require work? I can testify that it’s far more mentally painful and draining than anything else around the house. You can refocus your efforts, reduce the importance of your standards, and help and encourage him to find employment. It would reprioritize relationship right and wrong during the job search.
• WITH MY FEMINIST INDOCTRINATION AS A YOUNG GIRL I HAVE HAD TO GIVE UP ANY IDEA OF “FAIR” AND JUST DO WHAT IS RIGHT. As the article points out, fairness far better than equality determines right and wrong in a relationship.
• MY CONVERSION TO CHRISTIANITY HAS GIVEN ME THE STRENGTH TO DO THIS BECAUSE I KNOW THAT SOMETHING GREATER IS AT STAKE HERE AND THAT IS THAT I AM BUILDING (WITH MY HUSBAND) A FAMILY THAT WILL LAST FOR GENERATIONS. What a wonderful testimony; you found the strength to overcome the burdens of living in reasonable harmony with someone else. Tough to improve on it, and it confirms your relationship expertise, nesting skills, and nurturing instincts.
• I ALSO TEACH MY CHILDREN THAT LIFE IS NOT ALWAYS FAIR BUT THEY CAN STILL CHOOSE TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT AND BE MUCH STRONGER FOR IT. Moms do best teaching right and wrong; dads do best teaching obedience.
• I AM A WOMAN WHO IS CHERISHED BY MY HUSBAND AND HE IS HAPPY AND PROUD THAT I HAVE NEVER SUPPORTED THE FAMILY DURING OUR 27 YEAR LONG MARRIAGE WITH OUR LARGE FAMILY… I APPRECIATE HIS LOVE AND SUPPORT AND HARD WORK TO KEEP US AFLOAT THROUGH GOOD TIMES AND NOT SO GOOD TIMES….BUT, MEANWHILE, THOSE DIRTY DISHES CONTINUALLY NEED TO BE WASHED…. Would you trade being cherished for washing fewer dishes? I’ve always thought cherishment was the ultimate reward for females.
• …AND THE UNGLAMOROUS JOBS OF HOME BUILDING PUSH MY FEMINIST BUTTONS AND WHISPER “UNFAIR”. Don’t you mean unequal? Beliefs formed early in life last forever, unless overridden by a contrary belief or mental trauma such as being saved.
Thanks again for the clarity of your thoughts. You deserve credit from females, women, and wives for so accurately describing their anxieties, doubts, and opinions.
Guy
Hmm…I agree in theory, though in practice it seems like a double standard can end up meaning not fairness over equality, but accountability for one party but no accountability for the other. So, women must continually earn the man’s respect lest he leave her, and therefore she is accountable for her actions. But is the husband held accountable for the standard by which he judges his wife, to ensure that it is actually fair to her? It seems that if a wife grumbles, resists, nags, due to her husband’s unfairness towards her or perhaps even his shirking of his own responsibility, that the man is not held accountable to do what is right, but releases himself from the burden even more, disengages even more.
I see how it’s practical to advise women to recognize that they can’t demand “equality” from their husbands. But when, where, and how are men taught what treating their wives fairly means–and if they fail to do so, how are they held accountable for that?
Your Preciousness Denise,
Thanks for providing an opportunity to help clarify the issue. You stimulate a lot of thought, so I copied your comment in CAPS and injected my thoughts in lower case. No fault-finding intended; I merely hope to clarify differences in thoughts and values.
• HMM…I AGREE IN THEORY, THOUGH IN PRACTICE IT SEEMS LIKE A DOUBLE STANDARD CAN END UP MEANING NOT FAIRNESS OVER EQUALITY, BUT ACCOUNTABILITY FOR ONE PARTY BUT NO ACCOUNTABILITY FOR THE OTHER. Right, that would be a double standard. But, let’s define some terms: Accountability means answering for one’s behavior to Self or someone else. Self-accountability we call conscience. ‘No accountability for the other’ in this case means husband has not been made to answer for his lack of performance as she determines ‘equal’. So, her lack of holding husband accountable makes it a double standard. Wife holding husband accountable becomes much easier to accept when fairness rather than equality is the standard by which she describes her judgments.
• SO, WOMEN MUST CONTINUALLY EARN THE MAN’S RESPECT LEST HE LEAVE HER, ….Not so! He learned earlier to respect her, or they would not be married. To hold his respect, she must continually earn and keep her self-respect, remain the same gal he married.
• …AND THEREFORE SHE IS ACCOUNTABLE FOR HER ACTIONS. BUT IS THE HUSBAND HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR THE STANDARD BY WHICH HE JUDGES HIS WIFE, TO ENSURE THAT IT IS ACTUALLY FAIR TO HER? To him, whatever happens is fair until someone claims otherwise. Regarding women, his nature rejects equality as her biased standard, and fairness more easily rings true when females appeal to his sense of fair play.
• IT SEEMS THAT IF A WIFE GRUMBLES, RESISTS, NAGS, DUE TO HER HUSBAND’S UNFAIRNESS TOWARDS HER…. When wife acts like that, husband reads it as loss of self-respect, which reduces his respect for her, which limits empathy and suppresses sympathy.
• … OR PERHAPS EVEN HIS SHIRKING OF HIS OWN RESPONSIBILITY, THAT THE MAN IS NOT HELD ACCOUNTABLE TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT, BUT RELEASES HIMSELF FROM THE BURDEN EVEN MORE, DISENGAGES EVEN MORE. Who other than wife, God, and his conscience can hold a man accountable? Counselors are trained specifically not to do it directly, and wives could learn a lot from counselor-think. A wife’s greatest defense against unequal treatment lies with her ability to stir husband’s conscience, which calls for indirectness and patience, because if it’s not his idea, he’s unlikely to do anything about it.
• I SEE HOW IT’S PRACTICAL TO ADVISE WOMEN TO RECOGNIZE THAT THEY CAN’T DEMAND “EQUALITY” FROM THEIR HUSBANDS. BUT WHEN, WHERE, AND HOW ARE MEN TAUGHT WHAT TREATING THEIR WIVES FAIRLY MEANS–AND IF THEY FAIL TO DO SO, HOW ARE THEY HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR THAT?
This is the fourth time that holding husbands accountable has been mentioned here. I presume it to be the key issue, so I shall try to publish a new article shortly about closing that gap.
Guy
Thank you for taking time to respond. I do think I get it a bit better, particularly the fact that husbands have already learned to respect their wives, and the wife is simply remaining the respectable woman she already showed herself to be.
Thanks again.
It’s not a double standard. It’s a different standard. A man’s job is to provide and protect. If he is doing that then it’s fair for the woman to care for the home and nurture the children.
Not only is it fair but it is equal. It’s just not the SAME like the feminist want it to be but if we were the same why in the world would we need each other and get married in the first place?
I agree TLO!!!!
The unfairness comes in when the man cannot provide on his own and the woman must help him. This is the case for most families. Two incomes are needed to get by. Yet he still doesn’t pick up a fair share of the work in the home.
Grace, a lot of the “reason” that “two incomes are needed to get by” is that we spend too much. (Not “we” as in females only, but “we” as society, both men and women.) Frugality is still a viable alternative; and many families can live just fine on one income, if they’ll just make the effort to do so.
It may be true that generally men cannot provide for their households by themselves… if those in the household live beyond their means. But there are two variables to that equation — the income and the outgo. If families commit to doing without a lot of the baubles we’ve come to expect as “needs”, then we’d easily be able to live on one income. I look at it as my job to keep my husband’s income and to spend it wisely. Therefore, we are able to make it on one small income.
Now this is the reason that I refused to even date men who did not have high salaries. I refuse to choose between living like a pauper and working like a slave. Women who pick men that are bad at providing usually suffer.
Suffer?! Ha! No, frugality enables me to live at a higher standard than my husband’s income would afford a wasteful person. It would be suffering to sit and mope about what we “can’t have,” rather than sit and think about all we *do* have. It’s a choice to be happy, and money does not buy happiness.
I agree that money doesn’t buy happiness and everyone should live within a reasonable budget. Overspending will lead to trouble at all income levels. But I don’t think that any woman wants her husband to be less successful at providing. Money doesn’t buy happiness, but managed properly it certainly has more benefits than drawbacks. Happiness is a lot more likely when you aren’t living hand to mouth.
Kathy,
i’m a regular here with a new name.
just wanted to remind you of Jill F’s comment a couple of days ago. i quote her: “I don’t know if there is any way to refute the advice people try to give you because they aren’t going to understand. They also won’t understand 10 years down the road when your husband is treating you like a queen and showering you with appreciation and they are divorced. They will say that you just got “lucky” and that you can’t understand what it is like.
I’ve found that when I try to explain or defend my position I will end up SHARING TOO MUCH ABOUT MY MARRIAGE WHICH IS REALLY NOT THEIR BUSINESS.” (caps mine)
i thought that and the rest of her comment that day was excellent advice.
lovies,
Too true!
There is something to be said for marrying young and climbing the ladder of success together. For one thing- you can’t be accused of being a gold digger and those early years of frugality and hard work just prove your virtue even more.
Marrying young and climbing together sounds great. Kathy doesn’t look young to me though. Even when you marry young you pick a man who has the potential to be a great provider. Law school student or recent grad, sure? Guy with a high school diploma and no plans of better? No thank you.
Only an idiot would accuse a woman of being a gold digger for picking a good provider for herself and her future children. Expecting a man to be good in his provider role is hardly the same as gold digging. Living hand to mouth is not more virtuous than living well. It’s just poorer.
My husband has a Bachelor’s in Psychology and a Master’s degree in Elementary Education. We got married when I was 26 and he was 34. Have you heard of the woman who never made more than, what was it, $40,000 per year but saved enough money to leave $1,000,000 or more in her will? Most millionaires never make a whole lot of money per year (such as doctors and lawyers supposedly make), but they use frugality to live on less than they make, save the rest, and build wealth. If they can do it, why can’t I? I choose to be happy on my husband’s income; and if he advances in his current field or in another one, I will be happy on that income as well. There is a difference between marrying a schlep who has no plans except to drink away the weekends, and marrying someone who may never be wealthy but is hard-working and loves you.
Kathy – Your dh has the same degrees as my younger sister! She find teaching incredibly rewarding but she’s thinking about going to medical school. There is certainly a difference between marrying a bum and marrying someone who loves you and won’t be wealthy. I think that most women would still marry a wealthy man who loves them if they could.
I have never desired more money than that which could be described as upper-middle class. I want my retirement paid for and my children going to good schools but anything beyond that is completely unnecessary for my quality of life.
In fact- I think if I ever did strike it rich I would be very discrete about it and change little about our lifestyle. I enjoy the company of the middle-class more so than the company of the wealthy. Middle-class people are more soft-hearted and down-to-earth. I don’t know what it is about money but it seems to make people hard-hearted. I say this as someone with some experience. My paternal side is full of multi-millionaires. When I met my husband I was being courted by a wealthy man but he came from money (didn’t work for it) and there was something about his values that did not set right with me. He struck me as spoiled and entitled and it did not mesh well with my Christian values. I probably could have avoided a lot of problems had I married him instead of an E-4 but I have no regrets because starting out poor has taught me humility and resourcefulness.
I had to sort through a few spoiled men from wealthy families when I was dating. Some men do just fine when they come from nice backgrounds but it ruins a few people.
There is certainly nothing wrong with being poor. and that’s not what I was trying to say, in case my meaning was unclear. It’s just that, like being fat or ugly,being poor makes everything else harder.
For example when I feel as if my husband isn’t doing his fair share of the housework, I simply call in a service and do less housework myself. Not only I am not resentful of any perceived unfairness, but the house is clean without me having to get him to change much. If there was no money for a service then I’d be tired and irritated. The unfairness whether perceived or actual would bother me. Plenty of couples fight over housework, and many women are stressed by it even if they are handling the situation with feminine grace, dignity and no regard for fairness and equality.
I’m sure we all know at least one sad, overworked, frumpy little house frau, whose looks are going because she has no time or money to maintain them and who spends all of her time miserably serving an unappreciative husband. Not being poor, frees you from that pitiful fate at least. Add to that he has money for nicer gifts (once you teach him what a nice gift is) and can at least provide you good and frequent vacations for stress relief and bonding time, and life gets even easier. Not having to choose between working outside the home and pinching pennies inside the home is nice too.
Marriage can be hard enough without being broke, why add extra stress if you can avoid it? It’s like being fat and ugly. A lot of people are, but most of them don’t want to be. And life would be better for them if they weren’t.
I am not a maid and won’t be treated like one. My husband does his fair share of the housework, which is about half. There is nothing fair about 2 people working outside of the home and one person working inside the home. What self respecting woman would allow that? It doesn’t matter why you both work, whether it is out of necessity or not. Even when I was a stay at home mother I didn’t do all of the housework. Why? Because raising children is hard work, and stay at home mom does not equal maid.
If everytime a toilet or a dish is dirty, you have to clean it then there is something wrong with your relationship. A man who respects and cherishes his wife isn’t sitting on his bum while she does most of the housework and childcare. Especially while being unemployed. If asking him to do his fair share causes disharmony in the home then maybe you married the wrong man! I am loved and cherished while only doing half the housework.