Her Highness Seekingtruelove prompted today’s posting. She commented on yesterday’s article about Mr. Good Enough (#786). She said:
“Do I understand correctly that you mean a female’s youthful appearance is not as important to men in their 50s and 60s as it used to be when they were younger, so if it has to take until I am in my mid-fifties – providing I try to *sparkle* in every way ) – to find true love and happiness in a valid marriage there is still plenty of hope of finding it … even with six children?”
Yes, Your Sparkleness, you understand correctly, but there’s more. It reads like advice but don’t take it that way. Use it as model to understand some sex differences, social pressures, and motivations involved.
· Now, quit looking for a man but expand your life outside the home. The man that finds you will be a better candidate. Spend your time on the next two bullets, because luck comes when preparation meets opportunity.
· The drive to conquer never fades in men, but also sex doesn’t bond them. Preparation for sex issues can be found in the Virtual Virginity articles listed in the CONTENTS page shown at blog top. It applies to all ages. (I know women in their sixties that insisted on dual motel rooms traveling with boyfriends. Successful marriages followed. If a man won’t pay that price, he’s devoted to something other than her.)
· Face and recondition what candidates may see as baggage, but which you must convert into welcomed associates or better.
Condition your thinking and your sons’ attitudes to make you all more worthy candidates for some Mr. Good Enough to join up with. As to your sons, you want candidates to see them as great-to-associate-with and vice versa. Start fixing it now by gently sharing your dreams of remarriage. For example, your sons will not easily adjust to any new man coming into their home and taking charge. It would move them from well-known dominant roles negotiated between them long ago to losing all their adolescent power over their personal environment. New wife/old mother thus constantly caught in the middle, if not by one son then another without end.
On the other hand, if candidate sees he can’t take charge or is unwelcome, he won’t want to come. Tough to resolve to the satisfaction of all concerned, which is why God designed and Nature endows women with relationship expertise. If Mr. Good Enough truly wants her above all else, he will find ways to get buy-in from her children, provided mom has laid much groundwork.
So, how to fix it? Before candidate Good Enough shows up, coach children to expect another man in YOUR life. Ease them down from thinking they are the top dogs in all that you do. Teach that husband outranks children, mothers deserve a husband, and good children honor mom’s wishes for her personal life. Moms deserve some re-payment for kids’ development before they could think for themselves and, now, think for her and everybody else. (Slight sarcasm intended.)
Mature-minded men will be looking first for attractiveness of unusual quality. Not youthfulness so much as personal pride that makes her a standout among peers. Remember, she still competes with women for a man. She doesn’t have to worry about catching a man, just outdoing her competition and it starts with appearance, moves to delaying conquest, and ends after baggage weigh in.
Adolescent-minded men will also be looking first for attractiveness, but it will be the youthful kind, especially trophies. So, if those quite a bit older than you show their interest, check them out for other adolescent traits (aka immature thinking) such as putting sex, fun, and games ahead of the pleasures of a life well settled to enjoy one another.
Are you willing to give up your children for him? Face this question straight on! Develop your own answers to what newly married life must look like relative to your children. Have a plan and promise to work the plan. Negotiate a settlement with the kids before Mr. Good Enough arrives to court. Then, if he expects you to dump them, dump him.
If you can promise and assure a candidate you’ll work the plan, he will pursue you for more than sex. It’s not the giving up the kids that is essential, it is the attitude that you reveal to him when push comes to shove. A mature man would not expect you to forsake your kids, but he wants to know that he outranks them on things important to him. You have to find out what’s important to him; it’s called platonic courtship.
An adolescent-minded man would expect you to forsake the kids for his immature interests.
Mr. Good Enough will never be good enough long enough, if Mrs. Good Enough is not. So, start with what you have, where you’re at, and do the best you can. Good luck will nip at your heels with numerous candidates, when you and your baggage made lighter with planning outshine all your competition.