- I’ve read and seen much about body language, but not this one: He shakes hands with his palm facing down. It reflects a very strong drive to dominate.
- If she can keep quiet with a pleasant smile (not a smirk), when all around lose their composure, she triggers their invitation to speak.
- Opposites attract for good reason. People too much alike measure one another by their own failings, and this makes judgments more harsh, common, and threatening to their relationship.
- Two great male scams rationalized and copied by women: We should live together to make sure we’re sexually compatible. Women also deserve masculine-style sexual freedom.
- People with firm life missions and hard convictions tend to see things in terms of black and white and seldom gray.
- Knowledge may be power, but his knowledge of her naked body weakens her power. If what he knows makes her more desirable, his male dominance stirs stronger. If what he knows makes her less desirable, her influence with him weakens. (Another reason why marriage needs more than romantic love and sex.)
- THE RULES tell women to deal with men in certain ways. WhatWomenNeverHear tells women WHAT, WHERE, WHO, WHEN, HOW, and WHY to figure it all out and deal more successfully with men.
807. RANDOM THOUGHTS — Group 12
Filed under Dear daughter
Speaking of random thoughts…
Recently, I watched “Walk the Line,” which is the story of Johnny Cash. If you’ve seen it, can you comment on how his wife was portrayed, what she should have done differently, or anything else that comes to mind?
When watching it together, I feel a great amount of sympathy for Viv, while my husband identifies with Cash. He says that Viv should have “supported” John in his efforts; but I see *her* side of things — married to a man who likes to sing, but they’re about to be evicted, with one baby already and another on the way, and she’s *scared*. [Later in the movie, after his singing career takes off and she no longer needs to worry about money, I can fully admit that she did wrong (according to the portrayal, anyway)].
What to do when you’re scared? When you think (or know) that your husband is doing wrong — challenge him? keep your lips zipped but stew internally? What about when you disagree with his decisions? This is assuming both are Christians.
There have been major decisions in our marriage that my husband made that I disagreed with — sometimes I told him (and frequently he’d get mad that I wasn’t “supporting” him) and sometimes I didn’t (then when he’d complain about how life has turned out, I wondered if I should have spoken up). I try not to say “I told you so,” and I do my best to make things work, once the decision is made; but sometimes I do struggle with negative emotions or being callous towards him because of this. For example, I wanted to rent; he wanted to buy, so we bought a house. I wanted a much smaller mortgage payment, he wanted a bigger house, so we “compromised” on our current house. Now he’s working at a job an hour away, complaining about having to wake up so early (not a morning person anyway!), spend so much of his day driving, and that we don’t have any extra money to do anything because of our bills. I have to bite my tongue a lot; and I try to be sympathetic, and I *never* say, “Well, if we just had rented like *I* wanted to…”; but it’s hard sometimes. And looking back at some of these past decisions, it’s hard for me to trust him when I think he is wrong on current decisions.
Is this something I need to “get over”? or that I need to work on? How can I get him to see my side of things? or to agree with me? (Or should I even try?)
Thanks.
Your Sparkleness Kathy,
I’ve moved “Walk the Line” to #1 on Netflix queue. So, I’ll answer that part later.
If the thoughts you describe are random, it means you don’t dwell on them. Good! Things aren’t as bad as they sounded while writing. The marital seas are never calm, but wife has by far the better hand to calm the waves. Don’t take what follows as advice but as a model to tailor your own ‘solutions’.
When scared, neither zip lip nor challenge him directly. Challenge indirectly with new plans to support him. Let him see what you all will be paying in ‘adjustments’. Don’t complain, don’t explain. Support his decisions with your own, but what you foresee he can’t fail to recognize the price as other than high.
For example, he wants a bigger home: You are eligible to think, plan, and make adjustments to accommodate the future he inadequately envisions. Make a list of expected changes to your lifestyle. Start a new furniture and home decoration budget. Estimate new travel costs and wear and tear on cars. New clothes? New appliances? Plan out your new daily schedule to fit his longer commute. Inquire as to books or music he may desire for commute time. Go to bed earlier, so you can get up earlier and prepare for his extended commute. Don’t hold back letting him see, as opposed to your showing him, what the costs will be to you, him, home, kids, extended family, etc.
If he budgets or handles major financial decisions, ask for bigger budget or show how shifts will have to be made to accommodate expected changes. Plan and YOU start living with those changes beforehand. Don’t tell him what costs he’ll incur, but let him see what it will cost everyone involved to keep the home harmonized as he likes it.
You say: “How can I get him to see my side of things? Or to agree with me? Or should I even try?” The answer lies with greater respect, and increasing your self-respect is the place to start. Adopt a personal policy of ‘Don’t Explain, Don’t Complain’ to him and everyone else, and it will help. Your self-respect will go up; he will detect your new sense of independence, and his respect will increase. (Full disclosure is seldom the right thing, even though people like to think it’s one of the pleasures of marriage.)
Kathy, you describe ancient wifely ailments. View everything differently, and everything will come out differently. His actions don’t really govern the marriage, your reactions do.
Guy
Guy, the practical steps you give here show a woman how to still be proactive, but not attacking her husband’s ego or making home unpleasant. You’ve expanded my vision!
Your Princesstial Highness Kathy,
This responds to your questions at #807 about “Walk the Line”, biopic of Johnny Cash.
You and husband interpreted everything correctly both early and later in marriage; the sexes should be divided over her behavior early and against her after his success. It’s natural.
You asked for anything else that comes to mind. Well, these did:
• Both were very adolescent-minded in adulthood. That’s a tough situation to overcome. I was surprised Viv stayed as long as she did.
• Johnny had plenty women, but he wanted the one he couldn’t have. Not funny, but that’s common with men about many things other than women. He was just polarized on June, which made him act in ways that made her disrespect him.
• Once she gained enough influence over his life to keep him clean, she accepted him for marriage. I’ve written much about that as a success strategy for women that exploit female patience and indirect influence.
• Their son John Carter Cash was executive producer. It may have caused a bias, but who but close associates and family will ever know.
• Their courtship was so inadequate, much of it distant, her father protested, and they showed virtually no preparation for life together. Just jump in and do whatever it takes. But they were poorly equipped. Poor foundations don’t support very well, when damage hits the structure atop it.
Guy
…following Kathy’s thoughts…
And what is a wife to do, if after allowing her very dominant husband to make so many poor choices in the marriage that she ultimately loses faith in his ability to make good choices?
Your Queenliness QEII,
See my response to Kathy.
Guy
Your Exceptionalness QEII,
You said in an earlier comment: “And what is a wife to do, if after allowing her very dominant husband to make so many poor choices in the marriage that she ultimately loses faith in his ability to make good choices?”
IN ADDITION to comments I made to Kathy, let me add:
• You can’t change him, so don’t try. But you can change yourself, and he might respond favorably.
• Decide first: Does lost faith mean he’s got to go? Then dispatch him. If not, then recover. He’s yours to dump, or yours to recover. As with everything else in life, once you decide, recovery is everything.
BEFORE YOU ACT, decide what recovery means to you:
• You expect him to make better decisions? Poor expectation but you are the judge. Once you render your opinion, close court on that case. If you try to impose sentence for ‘wrongdoing’, you will lose in the end. Just let him live with your disagreement and nothing else.
• Or, do you expect him to restore your faith in his ability? If you put this burden on him, you will move backward instead of forward.
• Or, he should listen better and include your opinions? Then earn more of his respect, and improving your self-respect is the place to start.
SEVERAL THINGS are vital to improving self-respect, and they start with changing yourself:
• Reshape your life for more independence thought and action. I don’t mean to cut him out or anything like that. Just get more independent and distant in your thinking. Then, don’t complain and don’t explain.
• Don’t be so accommodating to him. Suppress your initiative to please him as much as your feminine nature prods you. Let some mystery settle into your relationship.
• Visualize, dream about, and learn to gently converse about a better life, better home, better future. Place neither blame nor expectations on him to fulfill those dreams. You just happen to think about such things from time to time and wish you could get there or have that.
• Don’t hold him responsible, but you can budget, spend, and manage household and personal affairs to prepare to spread some improvements over your life together. (Lead by example on small things that will contribute to something better, bigger, etc.)
BEST WISHES for improving your lot in life.
Guy
Wow, Guy! Great response!!! Thanks so much for the great advice.
With comments from Kathy and QEII, I would advise that prayer is always an element. A married couple SHOULD work together on goals and decisions. The wife should give her opinion and then be quiet. Often, when one disregards the other, trouble results e.g. one chooses to invest, the other “feels” the investment choice to be unwise, and the investment turns out to be a losing one. One biblical example of a man who should have listened to his wife is Pilate, whose wife warned him “Have nothing to do with that righteous man (Jesus).” (Mt. 27:19) If my husband seems not to be listening to me, I try to pray and then leave him in God’s hands. God’s Spirit works in each individual’s heart, which is more effective and lasting than the wife who “nags.” Once a decision is made, especially if it turns out to be the wrong one, I continue to pray — for the outcome to be righted or learned from and for my own heart to have peace and forgiveness. A decision will usually affect both partners, and especially when it’s a bad one, the matter must be left at God’s feet and dropped there. I’d like to hear Guy’s response to Kathy and QEII, speaking as a man and a husband.
Hi Guy,
I find myself enjoying your blog more and more. I value your inputs because mainly they are true, and this is coming from personal experience.
I want to ask you a question about this person in my life. I have known him for awhile and recently became attracted to him on another level. I have been following your advice and it was working like a charm, until he went away for semester break for two weeks then when school started he called me once. I was working so it was a brief convo, since then he hasn’t called me back and I don’t want to seem pushy but I don’t know what to do.
I care about him a lot and am trying to not only see the person he is but also accept him and still maintain my own life. With technology so good now should I text him? Or leave it alone.
Also he just recently got a blackberry phone and says he cannot put it down, if that’s the case why not call me?
Sry so long, thanx in advance
Lisa, allow me to stick my big nose in if I may, Don’t call him! I know it hurts, it’s hard and it stinks, but if you call him you loose power, you loose mystery. Please don’t spend too much time pining over this guy. Go thru all of Guy’s posts, read them and read them again. If you personify these traits you’ll have no problem getting any guy (with character) that you want, of courses everyone has their type but you know what I mean. I know it’s easy for me to say, I know that right now it’s THIS guy you want, but Lisa believe me, you’ll beable to be the choose the one you really want.
Lisa,
DO NOT CALL HIM!!!!!!!!! Something happened over that 2 week break! I don’t know what it was, but something happened! If he isn’t calling you, then why would you call him and waste your time on a guy who honestly cant make time for you??
if he cant put his phone down, then he should be able to at least text!! DO NOT TEXT EITHER!!
MOVE ON!
Lisa hi,
maybe NOT move on just yet…
but i agree with everyone on this point… DO NOT CALL OR TEXT HIM!!! WAIT HIM OUT!
thinking of you,
Lisa,
if you really like him, then i am sure you are over analyzing the situation…which is totally normal!! Why hasn’t he called? what is he doing? why cant he call? Is he ok? I’ll call him just to see if he is ok….ill text him just to say hi. A little text wont hurt will it?
let me tell you something….as a GUY. Once we have moved on from a girl….if she still continues to contact us, we look at that as a girl we can always call to butter up if we want a physical relationship. Now i don’t know what you guys have done….but that’s how we look at it.
If you haven’t done anything sexual, then you just look desperate to him! I know it sounds cruel, and bad, but I am being honest from a guys point of view
DON’T CONTACT HIM….when and if he contacts you, act like everything has been GREAT. He will give you some pathetic reason why he hasn’t talked to you in a while, don’t buy it!!
Lisa, I note that you also mentioned that you’d known this gentleman for a while before actually taking a romantic interest in him. If I understood you right, then I’d like to add this to Anthony’s advice:
If/when the gent contacts you again (and he should contact you first), resume the level of friendship you had to begin with–friends, and only that–BUT only if you can get the stardust out of your eyes. If you can’t do that, better just to let him drift away. (And above all, be honest with yourself about whether you can!)
I’ve been in that situation, and I wish I’d had access to the wisdom here; it would have saved me a lot of heartbreak and embarrassment!
Everyone thank you for your posts. I believe I needed to hear all of your responses (sometimes you just have to hear it from others). I have not called/text him and will not until he does so. Your right Anthony I believe something may have happened over the break.
Our background was that he liked me and I really didnt care for him. Then I started liking him and we hung out alot. Watched movies mainly and went out. We haven’t been physical, as I said before I was using guy’s techniques and they were working. Oh well time for myself now. Thanks again.
Hi Guy,
I wanted to reply to my last post. I am proud of myself because I did not let my emotions rule me. Well with that being said my friend that I was talking about called me today asking when could he see me. Of course I’m going to make him wait a couple of days to see him,
but I am a perfect example on why it is soo good to wait.
Good for you Lisa! Be sure you DO make him wait to see you and then be just a bit distant (ie., like you have a life and are trying to figure out how to fit him in).
I am giving the same advice to my daughter who is 24 and has wanted to get married for some time now. She is in a long distant relationship and when she stopped returning the young man’s calls immediately and let a few days lapse between conversations he gained more interest.