Mystery Solved: How come low sex drive plagues wives but not their husband? The answers lay behind this truism: Sex is a mind game for females and a hormone game for males.*
Both cause and cure of low sex drive reside within the female mind. Without thinking of other things, a female could enjoy sex. But it’s tough for women, because they can’t compartmentalize sex as men do. She can’t or won’t switch on and off as he does, and much is natural. But worse, women take or let other issues intrude into the sexual arena. This causes interference and confusion in her mind, frustrations rise up, and low sex drive follows.
Females never give up trying to get their way, manipulate, or improve their man. Also, they expect him to grasp her unexpressed wishes, read body language, and know how to do better at having sex. They expect him to more deliberately meet her specific and variable sexual needs, when her needs are unique from men and differ greatly from other women.
Women also expect that if a man has experience with other women, he should be able to figure out her needs. If so, it’s probably accidental, but women tolerate male sexual experience with that hope in mind.
Of course some men practice to become expert lovers and can, given the chance, sexually sweep most women to ecstasy. Their success lies with ability to get a female to compartmentalize sex away from the rest of her life; she forgets everything else for awhile.
Stinking Thinking: As with most everything else women can change themselves. Men don’t, or at least they resist mightily. Women take this to mean the male gender is defective, because if women can improve, then certainly men should be improvable too. Women are wrong to think it, and more wrong to depend on it.
Women try or deny sex to teach or punish their man. After several millennia females still can’t accept that the male side of the sexual equation defies further resolution from the least common denominator, his single-mindedness about sex.
Real Life: God designed, Nature endows, and hormones stimulate the male sex drive. Testosterone and others cause a man’s spirit to curdle with thoughts of changing to please a woman. It’s not the woman. His hormones determine his life and strengthen his indomitable vigor, character, steadfastness, and dependability for all of life’s missions—especially as producer/provider/protector/problem-solver for a family—and including sex drive.
Instead of taking advantage of the unchangeable male nature, wives fall prey to stinking thinking. It starts with frustration, husband gets the blame, but she reaps damage in unexpected consequences:
· Frustrations dealing with him sprout as disappointment in herself. A little guilt may intrude in her mind. She can only stand so much of both, and she commits to do something about it. So, she transfers her negative feelings to husband and sex. Disappointment grows into indifference about him sexually, which takes away the meaning of sex, which then suffocates his meaning to her. This makes her more and more displeased with his sex drive, and it primes him to go trophy hunting.
· The more indifference she shows about sex, the more wham bam indifferent he becomes to her needs. Intimacy fades further and affection is not far behind. Her indifference moves her away from what she craves most.
· Success inspires people to repeat what they do. She can’t help but sense success at being indifferent. (“I’ll show him,” and she does.) It soothes her disappointment and amplifies her indifference. More indifference grows from her unavoidable success. (“I showed him!”)
· Lack of feedback about success inspires people to quit trying, and they soon quit. When he senses her indifference during sex, it sprouts as his failure and pushes him to seek success elsewhere. [And female readers ask: Why doesn’t he respond by trying to reverse her indifference? And men respond: I don’t know how to do that, and I don’t particularly care to learn. If she has no greater appreciation of who I am and what I do, including sex, then it’s her problem.]
· Husband reads wife’s indifference to sex as indifference about him. Sex IS him, so he translates indifference as her lack of dependence on him. This, in turn, transmutes into less respect for her and his love weakens in the process.
Dream Life: The root cause of low sex drive among females is indifference brought on by inability or unwillingness to compartmentalize sex away from the rest of their life. Women that learn to do it can upgrade their sex drive. But, of course, they have to want to do it.
Women complain how much their man wants sex. “It seems ungrateful to me. What is better than being desired by the man who loves you?”**
* Mrs. Laura Wood’s clear thinking helped inspire the truism at top.
** Mrs. Wood’s wisdom fills this quote. You’ll find her commendable blog at www.thinkinghousewife.com.
NOTE from Guy: This comment by Her Highness LB warrants particular rather than general responses. So, I’ve edited to insert my comments in bold but not changed what she wrote.
I don’t know about this Guy… let me try to sort this out. [Guy says: Your points are too good to respond generally. So I address each.]
If we could compartmentalize sex away from the rest of our lives we’d be men. Isn’t this denying God’s design? [Guy says: Sounds right outside but not inside marriage.]
If her low sex drive is the result of her on-going sexual frustration from his lack of performance then the woman needs to get her head out of fantasyland… when it comes to sexual satisfaction, every man/woman for himself! [Guy says: Agreed. However, she gets frustrated by other than lack of performance; for example, trying to improve him outside the bed but failing to make progress. Or insisting he ask for a pay raise, but he won’t.]
More likely the low sex drive is her deeper problem: for women, Trust = Lust When trust fades, lust disappears. As the relationship expert, fading trust is her problem whether it is HER problem or his. [Guy says: I buy trust=lust as accurate and offer this example: ‘He’s drinking too much, and she doesn’t trust that he can keep his job’. Therefore, she can’t keep that lack of trust out of their bed. You seem to claim other forms of distrust frequently exist. Each has the power to kill lust, and so she can’t compartmentalize. Great thinking! Her primal need for a brighter future drowns her lust. I agree and she’s naturally justified. Also, you’ve taken me deeper than I’ve been before.]
And so she sets out to recover (recovery is everything!). However, recovery of trust (not referring to sexual infidelity) can take a very looong time even for an expert. In the meantime she walks a sexual tight rope with disaster on both sides: if she says no to him when she is recovering trust/lust she rejects him (“sex is him”). But, if she says yes to him when she is recovering trust/lust she betrays herself, breaking her bond with herself by not protecting her own heart. Sex is about her heart, not just her body. [Guy says: I agree outside marriage, but I’m much less sure inside.]
So what’s a girl to do? [Guy says: Just keep on thinking so clearly. You’ve got the female life whipped into great shape, since you know all the above.]
Dr. Laura Schlessinger advocates women just maybe going through the motions a bit at first with sex…even when they aren’t in the mood….eventually their body will catch up. She says something along the line of, “Why punish yourself, sex is fun!”
When women won’t have sex with their husband, it makes their husband feel unloved. It’s almost be like how she would feel if he said to her “you’re ugly” or something like that. It would hurt! And it hurts the guys in the same way to be rejected by their wife for sex.
PS. I learned that the hard way.
Wow, King Guy! Thank you for your detailed response! I’m honored. I don’t want to hijack the blog comments, but this is an important topic with me because I see this exact problem happening time and again IRL but I only hear and present the female side.
I am very heart body connected and I think this is a female thing. Is there a woman alive who hasn’t said, “Don’t touch me!” to a friend or lover in a ruffled relationship? If a mere touch is too much for her heart to bear when relations go awry, how could sex be ok?
Let’s say, to build on your example, he somewhat regularly comes home from the bar very late. He’s been drinking, $$$ poorer, not exactly pleasant to the wife and family or able to work hard the next day. Her trust/lust connection is weakened: her subconscious message is, “If I can’t trust you with X (self control, family dedication, kindness toward me and the kids, protecting our future, etc) how can I trust you with my delicate heart infused body?” She *does not want to* but she says yes to sex because her feminine spirit of generosity leads her to give to him what he wants and requests. Her heart isn’t in it and her body responds likewise. (At this point you’d think he’d notice a problem…) But he keeps asking and she keeps giving. She hates it, but her nature (and expert advise?) compels her to keep on giving. She says nothing to him because he won’t understand. And he doesn’t ask.
Over time, if the underlying issue isn’t resolved and trust/lust restored, sex becomes a chore only worse because her heart is involved. She lets herself be used by him (she feels her body is just a piece of equipment to him) and he takes her up on the offer. Resentment (of herself at least and probably of him) and aversion enter stage left.
This is the cause of low-libido I see IRL.
Your Delightfulness LB,
Personal outside pressures slow my response. Keep an eye open. It will come.
Guy
P.S. Thanks and don’t worry about hijacking blog comments. Your subject deserves the attention of men, women in courtship conveying their standards about trust, and parents gone lax in teaching trustworthy behaviors and the overall importance of trust in human affairs. Perhaps the Lord will guide me to do something beneficial about the importance of trust. I’ve seen the need for some time, and you’ve opened a huge access door.
G.
P.P.S. When you see the low libido IRL, do the marriages start to crumble or fail?
G.
Dear Guy,
My appetite for him is strong and consistent, whereas my husband’s lust diminished. What can I do?
I’m a ‘recovering wife’ and I understand some of the mistakes I’ve made, but for quite a time I sweetend things up and tried to be very cooperative. I dress more feminine now, use make-up, perfume, attire and live healthy.
So far it makes no difference. Newly wed, I criticized him bluntly, when I wasn’t satisfied with his endeavours and was very demanding. I should have rather denied him an early conquest, as I know now.
However, I stopped this toxic behavior at least a year ago.
Your Highness Brigitte,
Your dilemma has too many unknowns and is far too complex for outside advice. I suggest you focus inside him, yourself, and home. You’re the relationship expert, and here are some ‘places to look’ gently, indirectly, and imperceptibly. Don’t be nosy or a busybody exploring possibilities. As you gather info and eliminate possibilities, your intuition will help immensely to guide your further endeavors:
• Libido-reducing sickness or poor health may contribute.
• Alcohol is a depressant, depression weakens libido, and mid-life crisis worsens whatever exists.
• Depression brought on by a sense of inadequate control over his life, work, family, home, sex, bedroom protocol, or something else.
• Your ‘strong and consistent’ appetite may work as a minor put-down and discourage initiative when he thinks he should be the strong leader.
• Porn harshly affects a man’s view of his relationship.
• Girlfriend/lover could interfere both mentally and physically.
• Your change to ‘less toxic’ could have changed his perception of who and what you are, changed you away from the women he married.
• His mind is occupied elsewhere than primarily with you. Problems or insuperable challenges at work, for example, may prey on and drain his emotional energy.
• Faced with sensitive but insuperable problems, men tend to withdraw within themselves rather than share or seek assistance.
Best wishes for brightening your future.
Guy
Dear Guy,
I’m very grateful for your generous advice. God bless you and your familiy!
Luckily, there is no sickness, porn consumption or mistress involved. Me, being not the woman he married, rings a bell. I used to be liberal, but my views became much more traditionalist/conservative.
But more important for us are Your last two observations:
“• His mind is occupied elsewhere than primarily with you. Problems or insuperable challenges at work, for example, may prey on and drain his emotional energy.
• Faced with sensitive but insuperable problems, men tend to withdraw within themselves rather than share or seek assistance. ”
He is not happy with his financial and professional status. Alas, there is little to do for me about that, is it?
He is still studying (history) and his job perspectives are not very concrete. We’re living for the most part on my salary. I quit university to support him and am working in a diner for now. He probably feels somewhat guilty for that and there might be even some light kind of depression on his side.
I have no problem with this, though. His professional success will be so much more important for our familiy, anyway.
I want him to be happy with his life and lift up his spirits. But I seem not to be able to do this. Some advice how to handle disheartend men would be very appreciated. There must be more to it, besides NOT being pushy.
Your Exceptionalness Brigitte,
You say: “I used to be liberal, but my views became much more traditionalist/conservative.”
Don’t be so quick to dismiss this as partial cause. The more he respects your opinions, the more he may be shifting toward your views. It’s very awkward for a man to see himself becoming convinced to follow the lead of a female. Don’t take it personal. It’s a natural, built-in reluctance. It takes time for a man to adjust, and it can be painful until he gets used to it.
On the other hand, if you’re actually adopting his political philosophy and worldview, you may be learning and moving so fast you passed him. For example, your newfound excitement may drown out his interest. Men lose interest when they expect themselves to catch up with a female in complicated matters.
You say: “I quit university to support him and am working in a diner for now. He probably feels somewhat guilty for that and there might be even some light kind of depression on his side.”
You’re right. His sense of accomplishment for home and family has vaporized. Not good for a man. You gave up “everything”, and he got all the benefits; if he’s devoted to you, guilt has set in and men flee from guilt. If you can quit for him, he can do part-time work or somehow fulfill more of the responsibility he expects of himself. A renewed sense of accomplishment may uplift him, even a small change.
You say: “Some advice how to handle disheartened men would be very appreciated. There must be more to it, besides NOT being pushy.”
You know your man better than anyone else. Keep looking, thinking, and experimenting till you find your own answers. It’s the best I can offer now.
Guy
Thank you Sir Guy for your response(s). Outside pressures have kept me away, too.
Yes, IRL the marriages crumble and most die, some die and disolve. I think her low libido, whether she continues to offer sex or not, slowly kills the couple’s chemistry and the spark goes out of the marriage. (It must be a subtle downward slope because it tends to sneak up on people.) I think this is why and when married people start feeling “trapped”, when the spark is gone. Eventually, her heart wanders off to find someone to trust and his body wanders off to find someone to lust with.
I still think that “words are for women” holds true. But when her lust starts to chill (her body knows there is a problem before her mind knows it) I think she may need to speak up quickly to prevent further (irreparable?) damage:
“Honey, you are still a hottie to me but for some reason my thermostat is running cool these days and I don’t like it. You probably don’t either. Do you have a second to talk?”
Your Greatness LB,
Wonderfully written and wise. Thanks.
Guy
Dear Guy,
thank you very much, your comments are always insightful.
I’m optimistic. My husband is a very good and tender man. And we have a lot of respect for each other. I’ll continue to learn from your fascinating blog and make the most of my intuition and wifely wisdom.
Sir Guy,
I realize my newness to the blog may not make this easy; you having to revisit topics, but I’m curious on HOW to compartmentalize sex? I’m sure you are somewhat familiar with my situation. I am just another of many females trying to overcome so many feminist ideals I’ve been taught in order to make my relationship a successful one. So far the advice in your blog has helped tremendously; to the point that I was able to trust God enough to know I am right to marry this man. Yet I do believe there are stumbling blocks that I need to address now as a newlywed rather than later as tenure wife.
I never made my husband wait for sex, in fact I was very easy for him, as I thought (based on the negativity received from my parents) I would never be suitable enough for a man to want to marry. To me sex was the only kind of contact with a man I would ever get, since I was always told that’s all they wanted from me. At first I focused only on HOW to have sex with him because I was new at that and really didn’t want multiple partners; I did like him after all. I guess he liked that because one day he asked me to be his girlfriend, which I was sceptical of but flattered none the less and accepted. After spending a lot of time together over the next two years I noticed he had a really bad habit of lying. Granted they are not big lies, but it still makes it difficult to trust. From reading Ms. LB’s comments I think there may be some significance to that.
Sex with him, for me, really changed over the last 5 years, but because we weren’t married I never tried to fix it. I just denied him access. After a revelation I had earlier this year we went through pre-marital counseling at our church. We started fresh, no sex until we were married. Harder for him than me since I really wasn’t interested in having sex anyway. I just figured once we were married and living the way God intended everything would work itself out. I was wrong. We got married just this past Wednesday and here I am again faced with sex I do, but don’t want; if that even makes sense.
So what do I do?
Your Highness Try2Bchristian,
Marriage is forever, not just five days. Act like a wife should act, set your sights on fulfilling him sexually, and proceed with confidence instead of doubt and endless questions. Quit thinking in words and proceed with actions. That’s what will shape your marriage into being worthwhile.
Guy