935. Virgin? Keep It Secret! — Part I

Her Highness Anonymous inquired if an actual virgin should keep it a secret? Many reasons exist to do so, and the advantages accrue to her without cost to him:

  • If she brags about her virgin state, she appears desperate. If she discloses it as part of silly belief in full disclosure, he has nothing comparable, and so she loses at the ‘negotiating table’. Providing him the knowledge gives him much more than he can give her. (His sexual history never balances her disclosure, and she doesn’t want to hear it anyway.)
  • If ex-boyfriends don’t know for sure and can only speculate to other guys about her pristine-ness, her reputation builds more easily into exciting allure than ‘gotta have it’, gotta have it’, gotta have it’ just because she’s virginal.  
  • By strongly declaring her sexual status off limits, she has an easier time defending her values, maintaining her standards, and upholding her expectations about how men should behave when with or around her.
  • Mystery about her status generates an aura around her of respectable authority (free will, hard-headedness, and willingness to use it).
  • Sexual history being the kingpin element in feminine mystique, actual virginity wears the crown. But knowledge destroys mystery, which destroys curiosity, which destroys interest in the crown, which makes her less valuable.
  • Claiming virginity challenges a man even more to conquer her. Banging a virgin earns huge masculine bragging rights and status. Instead, she wants him bragging about her beauty, charm, and female worth.
  • If he tells his buds about her virgin state, they’ll gang up on him to beat his time, to get there firstest with the mostest. It might make her more popular as they pursue her virgin attractiveness, but it’s not likely to be sincere or lasting.
  • Many men, especially the adolescent-minded, think along these lines: If he can’t conquer a woman, it’s one thing. If he can’t conquer a virgin, it’s a different matter, ‘a downright embarrassment’. He has to keep trying; he can’t quit early. His competitive spirit envisions her as his Mt. Everest, and he’s a fool to quit before reaching the top.
  • If he knows she’s virgin, he spends less time thinking about her except for why? How could she have avoided it this long? Religious nut? Fearful of sex or what? Sick in the head? Wrongheaded? Malformed? Unfashionable, won’t go along to get along? Had no girlfriends that put out as role models? Boyfriends dumped her for that reason? Or did word spread about her that he missed?
  • Knowledge cures mystery, which kills curiosity, which reduces interest in what makes her tick, tock, and chime, which makes him think more of conquest than the rest of her valuable self.
  • She will be judged, if he knows she’s virgin; making him wonder delays his judging until a time made better by a longer relationship.
  • If he wonders about her sexual past, his thoughts remain with her. If she makes her virgin state as mysterious as the rest of her sexual history, he has little recourse but to focus and accept her as she is without regard to sex.
  • If he can only wonder before the altar and marvel about prospects for his wedding night, the male mind more easily adjusts his interests to include a woman’s hopes and dreams. Whether suspicions are confirmed or he’s surprised that night, his sense of significance and her value to him jump off the scale.
  • Avoid at all cost having a girlfriend ‘sell’ her virginity to win a boyfriend or prospect. Such good intentions backfire; he gains advantage and she loses mystery. (He’ll also return to the informant for more info when he’s after something else, and that could bring them together.)

Her greatest threat may be close to home. Make sure siblings or girlfriends don’t disclose her virgin status, and she’s better off if they don’t even know it. As with men, it’s none of their business, if she hopes to have maximum independence and play life’s hand of cards without—perhaps but not always well-intentioned—interference.

I venture that Part II, post 936, will both surprise and even shock some women. What to do when he won’t stop inquiring about her sexual history and especially virgin status. It’s due out tomorrow morning.


Filed under Uncategorized, virginity

20 responses to “935. Virgin? Keep It Secret! — Part I

  1. Simplicity Evermore

    Ok, I have a question. How do I recover, if my status gets out?/ Sabotage interference?

    Your Stunningness Simplicity Evermore,

    Sorry, I don’t understand what you mean by “Sabotage interference?”

    If you’re out of the closet, jump back in one with a glass door. They can see but can’t touch. Do it this way if the subject comes up: Smile charmingly and say flippantly, “That’s ancient history.” (It’s also modern history, but who other than you knows the difference?)

    Don’t take the foregoing to demean virginity; keep it highly valued. Instead, take the paragraph above as recovery. What people think is certain knowledge, you transmute into mystery, curiosity, and fertilizer for their imaginations. Girlfriends too; they need the truth but not the whole truth. Many are not above using it against you.


  2. Simplicity Evermore

    I meant how do I sabotage the deliberate interference of others?

    But I see what you are saying– And I think you may have answered the second question– It’s possible to stop rumors and other verbal sabotage by planting doubt.

    Your Exceptionalness Simplicity Evermore,
    Yes, if you then do nothing to remove the doubt. Just keep smiiling and more mystery helps.

  3. anonymous

    I never considered this, “If she brags about her virgin state, she appears desperate” but yes, that makes perfect sense.

    So, she shouldn’t directly tell him about it, but what if he comes to the conclusion on his own?

    For example, the ex boyfriend tells his friend that she was a virgin, but she never told him. I get the impression that the goal is to have him conclude, by the way she acts (being chaste with him, not using vulgar language etc.), that she is a virgin. Then he believes in her virtue but she never directly confirms his conclusion, so there is still a bit of mystery. Is this correct? Or is the goal to have him completely in the dark?

    Your Dreamliness Anonymous,
    You’re right on until the last question. In the dark probably can’t happen; he’ll keep looking until he finds something to hang on to.

  4. ladylike

    I can confirm that it’s best to keep this sort of information secret, especially from girlfriends. I’m a virgin because I’m a Christian and believe in waiting until marriage to have sex. When it’s come up in conversation with my female friends, I haven’t hidden the information from them. And I’ve had friends sabotage me – one informed a man who was speaking to me that I’m “very religious”, and then she would bring the topic up at dinner parties, in order to point out the “freak” in their presence. It seems to spark huge resentment in women, and they put pressure on a virgin to have sex by saying “what are you waiting for? there’s no point wasting your time waiting for the perfect man” etc.

    As to men – well, I’ve found them very curious about me, and when I was bit younger, I used to feel put on the spot when the question came up about sexual experience. I wasn’t very accomplished at prevaricating, and often found myself in a pickle with men when I made it clear no sex was on the table, and they’d then figure out my virgin status. They’d ask me directly, and I wouldn’t want to “lie”. Now I see how impertinent they were to even ask. I look at myself a few years ago, and wish that I’d been more savvy. Anyway, I’ve been too open about my virgin status – I see that now. But I guess I just didn’t realise how strongly people react to the idea of virginity.

    I trust that men have never seen me as desperate as I’m attractive, and I’ve always have men chasing me. They just see me as a huge challenge. But I wish now that I’d learnt when I was younger that there’s a difference between honesty and disclosure. But young girls can be unsophisticated and unworldly and I was definitely both of those, a few years ago. Reading this blog has helped immensely in driving home the idea that full disclosure is not necessary, and that it’s not “dishonest” to not answer rude and impertinent questions!

    One good thing that sprang from some of the men knowing my virgin status is that it weeded out the really unsuitable men who were only after “one thing”, and when they realised they wouldn’t get it from me, they moved on quickly, saving me time and energy.

    Your Dreamliness Ladylike,

    You consistently write clearly, appropriately, and interestingly. Thanks.

    Your saboteur female friend is motivated by guilt. If through judgment error or carelessness a woman can’t forgive herself for having lost her virgin status, she can’t forget how badly she feels about herself. Being thoroughly tired of beating up on herself, she takes it out on others. You became vulnerable and possible victim, when she learned of your status.


    • ladylike

      Thanks for explaining this, Guy. This woman is Catholic, and her religion does mean a lot to her. However, I think she couldn’t reconcile living by her beliefs in the fast-paced crowd in which she moved when she was a young girl, and so she compromised her beliefs, and lives by a standard she isn’t entirely happy with now.

  5. ladylike

    I’m just wondering if you have any advice regarding a male boss who makes sexually inappropriate comments? I work with him, and he often makes comments about my (presumed) sex life – but in a way that I’m not sure how to stop. He says things like “When you’re married, you’ll find men are like animals and he’ll want to attack you when you’re tired and you’ll have to uncross your legs and deal with it because that’s what men are like.” Nudge nudge. Wink wink. It makes me so uncomfortable… it’s not as if he’s saying he personally wants to “attack” me. He speaks as if this is what my future husband will do. This boss is married, so I’m wondering whether he’s projecting his dismal sex life on to me. I know how to deal with male colleagues who make inappropriate comments (I walk away and ignore any man who does this) but when it’s your boss that you have to work with on a daily basis, it makes it much more difficult. Any advice?

    Your Preciousness Ladylike,
    Your questions prey on every woman’s mind. I’ve worked up an article for tomorrow’s post, #937. It’s the best I can come up with.

  6. Simplicity Evermore

    Well, we have to find some way for him to conclude all on his own he’s wrong.

    I would probably say one of these things:

    I would only marry *gentle*men. (Firmly and coldly. And then move on)


    How does your wife deal with it? (Raised eyebrow, very inquisitive but cold look) [may not be the best approach. But would work like a loaded question. Whichever way he answers be indignant]

    If you can leave the room, do so. (Not sure what your working conditions are).

    Anyway take my advice with a grain of salt. Hope it helps.

  7. Simplicity Evermore

    –Oh when you leave the room and he inquires state you went to the bathroom. (Make sure you actually entered it.~_^) After awhile of noticing your strangely coincidental trips, he might take a hint.

  8. Danielle

    Ok so what if he’s a virgin too? Still don’t tell?

    Your Preciousness Danielle,

    I say don’t tell. It adds too much to her mystery to give it away. I imagine some ladies will disagree with me, however.

    Twisting the subject, why should she know he’s virgin or even care. See post 26. If he volunteers the info, color him gamma right away. (Doesn’t mean he won’t make a good husband, but he’s not a lot like other men.)


    • faithy

      what would make a guy a “gamma”? i know what an “alpha” male is which is the type of man that attract most women…but i find that lots of guys who have been thoroughly indoctrinated in college by feminism, just say that women are “free” and that maybe theres nothing really wrong w/ being promiscuous…are they “gamma” males? are they simply suppressing what they really feel in order to fit into college culture where anything goes? this really puzzles me…or are they trying to not “offend” many girls who are in this lifestyle in college?

  9. Ruby

    “Whether suspicions are confirmed or he’s surprised that night, his sense of significance and her value to him jump off the scale.”

    I hear everything you’re saying, but I’m a bit confused. This shouldn’t come up even after engagement? Is it good for him to be “surprised” on the wedding night? Or by that time would he really have figured it out on his own & not truly be surprised?

    Your Exceptionalness Ruby,
    Confusion is intolerable; only clarity can cure it. Therefore, I respond with tomorrow’s post (940).

    • camille

      I also have the same questions as Ruby. I thought a man would appreciate a woman’s virginity. I don’t think you should your boyfriend in the beginning of the relationship but before you talk about marriage. I am so confused now.

      Your High Spiritedness Camille,
      Confusion is intolerable; only clarity can cure it. Therefore, I respond with tomorrow’s post (940).

      P.S. Of course he would appreciate knowing about a woman’s virginity. It doesn’t mean that she’s better off for his knowing it.

  10. I disagree. I think a man should know after the third date and before the fourth that you will be waiting until marriage to have sex. I wouldn’t advise saying you are a virgin unless he asks though and then if he does ask, tell the truth. The two of you should be friends first and trust each other already, therefore I would think this information should be gotten out of the way before you even begin to officially date.

    A friend of mine was a virgin when she got married and her future husband knew this before he asked her out on their first date. They dated for a year and 9 months before getting engaged and then another year until they got married.

    I asked her husband how long a woman should date a man before telling him that she will not be having sex until marriage and he said the 3rd date. Any longer than that and the guy might feel as if you have been taking advantage of him for material benefit such as free meals, free dates etc.,

    Your Highness Jamila,

    Welcome aboard. Glad to have you with us. (Sorry for tardiness in responding though.)

    I understand why you disagree. I point to this, however: Women have for several decades been listening exclusively to women about men. Nowadays women have started listening to manly inputs, but WhatWomenNeverHear specializes in objectivity and clarity.

    You cite a husband’s input as gospel. First, I caution against taking anecdotes as gospel. Second, men always have a vested interest when telling women what makes men tick. It doesn’t mean they’re wrong or distorting truth, it simply means you shouldn’t base your decisions on what motivates them. (They same applies to everyone else too, because we all have hidden agendas when describing what and why we do as we do.)


    • Ruby

      Provided his date is not sending mixed signals and giving the impression that she will sleep with him when she has no intention to, I can’t see how a man would feel taken advantage of by not knowing her chaste status. If he does, it’s possible he was offering the meals & dates just to bed her and it’s clear who was really trying to take advantage of whom.

      • Ruby, I agree. If a man wants to pay for dates only because he’s expecting sex after one of them eventually, then he may feel that she’s taking advantage of him… but he’s really just trying to take advantage of her, by expecting sex before marriage! What, is she some sort of prostitute, that he buys sex by paying for dates?

  11. Adrienne

    Greetings Mr. Guy,

    You’re website has truly been a blessing to me. I’ve been lurking and gleaning knowledge from your website for about year. I have a question regarding disclosure vs. non-disclosure of virgin status. Don’t you think that the fiance should know that his future bride is a virgin a little before the wedding night, so that he will be gentle, and expect that there could possibly be discomfort on both parties involved. (I tried to put this as delicately and non-graphically as possible). Please advise :)

    Your Highness Adrienne,

    Welcome aboard. Glad to have you with us.

    How much notice does he need? How much time has she had to ‘preach’ gentleness about all that they do? Can she recruit him for gentleness and discomfort avoidance between altar and bed? Does she have no other options than disclosing her virgin status?

    I ask for this reason: Telling him ahead of time doesn’t guarantee gentleness and discomfort avoidance. It might but no guarantee. Also, what is more important to her? Uplifing his ego and sense of significance, or avoiding discomfort? If she favors the latter, tell him ahead of the altar. If she favors stroking his manly behavior into gentlemanly behavior, don’t tell him ahead of time. Reward him with a surprise.


  12. Sharmain

    I dont think from my experience you can keep it secret very long! Most men expect sex very early on and give up when they can’t get it.
    This is a realy hard issue actually – I want to be a virgin on my wedding night but its hard to sustain relationships as a result. I support that I’ll really know when I’ve found the right one when he sticks around..

    Your Highness Sharmain,

    “When he sticks around…” or when he returns having learned that what you have offers him more promise than what others offer. So, don’t burn bridges. Instead, keep each man’s curiosity alive and imagination fired up regarding your femininity and promise for some man, some day, some where.

    Unless they are physical adult and mental adolescents, men do actually mature and they do it much later than women when considering marriage etc. But then you know that.


  13. Anais

    As a woman who falls into the category of being 30 and a virgin, are you saying I should have sex for the first time without disclosing virginity or to disclose it when the time comes? I’m a bit confused because I think a guy would be able to tell the actual sex is unfamiliar territory (but not foreplay). Any time I mentioned it in the past, we never ended up sleeping with each other, breaking up due to other reasons. They always became more attracted to me when I mentioned my virginity though. And I personally prefer to feel comfortable feeling it’s something I could say without making it a big deal, rather than hiding part of myself.

    Your Highness Anais,
    No, I’m saying to ignore the subject. It’s your business, not his. Let his imagination take him wherever he desires, but you don’t have to confirm or deny.

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