CAUTION: Readers cite this post as inappropriate for ladies. I agree. But some women need it for their bag of tricks. Men sometimes go too far. Women need extreme measures to rein in their natural but persistent curiosity. The post doesn’t offer advice; it says she can, not that she should.
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Yesterday’s post defended the strategy of females keeping their virgin status secret from everyone. However, boyfriends (and perhaps workplace harassers) keep trying to uncover at least some minimum, after which he treats her according to his standards about such females. Keeping her history secret, especially her status re virginity, provides women a way to balance male dominance.
Tactics exist to take the heat off of her. Offer tit for tat. He wants to know about her history? She wants to know about his knowledge of prim and proper sexual performance, of how things should be in real life. Not interested in his broad promises of Nirvana but details about the touchy feely side. If she’s expected to disclose what she’s done, he should disclose how he does it. Right? It’s only fair, so invite him to spell it out!
Stop signs can be erected that make a man stop talking or even wanting to continue. The more personal she makes it for him, the more he will dodge, change subject, or otherwise maneuver to escape without answering. She’s never seen a man turn sensitive about himself? Try a few of these on him.
She can use one or two of these examples until he learns better. Of course, she leads off with the old standard, “I don’t know but I’ve been told….”
- Where did you learn to do foreplay the right way? You know, Act I of what men do to please and keep rather than disappoint and lose their love interest.
- How did you learn to value afterplay (post-coital intimacy) the female way? You know, Act III of what men do to please and keep rather than disappoint and lose their love interest.
- How do men view females after conquest? Not immediately, but the next day? Does it affect you that way?
- What part or parts of sexual relations means the most to a woman? What’s the least important to a man?
- Is a beer, cig, or sleep better than snuggling? Why is that? Are you like that?
- I know men highly value conquering a female. Why is it such a big deal? Just what is it that causes that? Are you that way?
- Why do men value virginity so highly? How important to you?
- What’s the difference in sexual satisfaction for the man and the woman? Where does it end for men? For women?
- What’s the difference in satisfaction for the man and the woman? Where does it end for men? For women?
If those don’t work for her, she can expand her interests, such as:
- I’ve always been fascinated by the role of men in foreplay. Not just men but their role. Their reputation says they screw up a lot. Ditto for afterplay. How should these necessaries be performed? Or are they not necessary? What kind of expertise does it take to keep from screwing up? Where did you learn to do it right?
- How do men evaluate foreplay? What’s the purpose? Who benefits the most? How valuable is it? What and when is enough? How can you tell? How do you know when readiness is mutual, or does it matter? What are the influences that most delight a woman? How important is passion? How does a man handle it, when urgency hasn’t arisen in her?
- Let’s analyze Act III Afterplay! Is it necessary? Does it help fulfill men? Does she need it? Deserve it? How do men know when she’s satisfied?
- What causes and how do men handle premature ejaculation? Is she at fault?
- Don’t men try to bypass deep foreplay to just get on with it? Why is that?
He won’t like her tit for tat tactic. Any one or a couple of such questions should be enough to force a guy to shut down his inquiries. Most men will retreat when she asks the first question. Men want no part of describing the whys and details of their sexual performance especially before the fact. They intuitively recognize her trap and so will shut up.
Players, however, may have a bs line they can fabricate from words and phrases that worked for them in the past. If they answer as if they know what they’re talking about, then they’re players. They’re the worst guys to disclose her history, so she’ll have to get more bold until she shuts him up.
Should the rare guy talk about these things, she has plenty of opportunity to teach him how she expects such things in her life.
Your unabashedness Sir Guy,
This must be the first post I’ve disagreed with you on. In my wildest dreams I can’t imagine a truly modest chaste girl asking any man even a friend such questions. Whatever happened to blushing at even a subtle innuendo? Perhaps I’m hopelessly old fashioned and grew up where such things were unthinkable for a lady to say but these days . . . Wouldn’t a genuine gentleman be more endeared and challenged by a blush and mysterious silence at his insistent questioning then such blatant inquiry?
Your Sweetness and Lightness Lady Carmen,
Thanks for bringing out the weakness of the article. It’s usefulness remains, however, as I see and hear so few modern females that seem well prepared to charmingly use blushing, shyness, and feminine subtlety. Perhaps I didn’t make it strong enough that my proposal was for when all else fails.
Your tactic has another benefit that my proposal lacks: You would not be claiming that he’s in the wrong; you let him infer it. My proposal implies he’s in the wrong, which has less positive influence on him. (Keep your eyes open for an article or comment tying the last two sentences with women being taken for granted.)
Guy
My boyfriend of five months recently found out I am not technically a virgin, although I have been doing the secondary/virtual virginity thing for a while now. He even found out my “number” of past partners. He is claiming that it does not bother him because I am a different person now but I am still worried. Do you think he is hiding his true feelings to cover up the sting of finding this out? Any suggestions on how I can rectify the situation or prevent potential issues this might cause? I tried looking for posts on this problem but I can’t remember if it’s been addressed before. Thanks Guy!
Your Ten-ness Manda,
It bothers him, and how he found out may magnify the effect. He may or may not be hiding his true feelings. But you can do nothing about either, so let’s look at what he sees in you by comparing two extremes.
Most men would have less respect for you. If he stumbled on the info, accidentally like, it probably matters only that he has not yet scored. What’s he? A second class citizen? Why should he respect someone that denies him what others got probably with much less than a five-month investment?
If, on the other hand, he sneakily sought out the info, interrogated friends and associates, and otherwise tried to prove you as disingenuous at best and lying at worst, he shows extreme lack of trust and cares not for your reasons for unmarried chasteness. This translates into lack of respect for you to begin with and disrespect now.
Somewhere in between lies the truth. You can’t re-earn his respect directly. You should do it indirectly, which means to re-establish, re-emphasize, and re-confirm your original reasons for remaining chaste until marriage. Rejuvenate your self-respect. Stand by your virtual virginity guns as originally loaded, whether with biblical injunctions, moral rationale, or stubborn belief that you are doing the right thing. You owe it to yourself.
His respect will enlarge. Whether enough for you to remain Miss Good Enough is another question unanswerable until you see what develops. Your best path is to follow up with that ingenious gift of God, Nature, and hormones—patience.
Guy
Thank you so much. Your advice was very clear and easy to understand, which I appreciate very much.
I will do what you suggest…I like the part about patience. It is an underrated virtue but SO important in this situation. It is not an easy situation but I’m faithful things will turn out the way they were meant to, whether I end up staying with him or not. Thanks again!
I don’t know about this one Guy…honestly, I can’t imagine my daughters steering the conversation into such intimate areas AND being able to keep it going in the right direction.
It seems to me that the wrong kind of man would LOVE questions like this (as in a player) and then how would she backpedal her way out and reestablish “aloofness”?
The right kind of man might be disappointed that she would even “go there” conversationally.
Shouldn’t a single girl make a young man “prove himself” in other ways and avoid talking about physical intimacy at all?
Jill F.
Your Perceptiveness JillF,
I agree with you. Her Highness Lady Carmen agrees. Her Majestic Beauty Mrs. Guy agrees. The post provides details inappropriate for female thinking.
I accept the ogre role, but my major points remain relevant: Men will crumble before they’ll talk about such things (players excepted). Sometimes women need to use extreme measures to ward off a man’s natural and persistent curiosity.
I’ve not yet had to remove a post because of controversy, inaccuracy, or disagreement. Do you think this one should go, because it makes my points inappropriately? Or perhaps a note posted at the top could better explain its purpose? (I think I’ll do the latter anyway.)
Guy
Hello All,
In Guys defense, I have to say that this is so true :
“…Sometimes women need to use extreme measures to ward off a man’s natural and persistent curiosity…”
I thinkl that some times we ladies make the mistake of thinking that the “good guys” would never be nosey and persisitant regarding a girls status. But soemtimes they are the worst offenders and even for the great Alpha males, a giggle and as blush is just not going to be enough to get the to STOP.
Doesnt make then bad, just makes them men.
Your Loveliness Miss Dawn,
I love it when pretty women come to my defense. Mrs. Guy appreciates it too. She says it reduces her workload.
Guy
I agree with my ladies Carmen and Jill. There has to be another way.
What about our fathers/brothers? I’m sure if a man was that persistent, –assuming I didn’t dump him for his insolence first– my Man would be there to defend my honor.
And wouldn’t that have the same effect? I can’t find it now, but didn’t you mention something about the humiliating effects of calling in another, older man?
Your Princessness Simplicity Evermore,
Yes, older men in defense of a woman can humiliate a guy. Not from what the older man does or says so much as the conclusion the guy reaches that he predicted wrongly the outcome of his behavior.
I think the following example worthy of thought. She’s competitive, but that’s good for unmarried women defending their sexual assets. She’s not overly combative, because she leaves discretion to him. He can back off now, after she calls in reinforcements, or just chase someone else. Their chatter may go like this:
He: How did you and your bf get along? (With much sexual meaning lurking in phrasing and inflections.)
She: As I’ve told you over and over, I don’t reveal details about the personal side of my past life. I keep it private, just as my consultants advised me. Just like I will never talk to others about you, whether things work out for us or not.
He: Your consultants? Who are they? Do they rule your life?
She: No, not rule. They advise me when the going gets almost too tough for me to tolerate. First line of wisdom, my dad. Second line of wisdom, my grandpa. Third line of wisdom, my older brother. Fourth line of wisdom, my pastor. One of them might see propriety in your questions, but I doubt it. I’ve consulted them before.
He: I thought you were your own woman.
She: I am, and consulting wise men makes me more so. You should know, I never cut strings to wise advisors.
Guy
My Lady Dawn,
I see your point. –But there must be another way to accomplish the same task. Personally, I think dumping him, or shaming him.–
I think, though, that inability to take a woman’s word concerning her own sexual past, or at least to respect her silence speaks poorly of the relationship if not the man himself. It shows lack of trust. Worse: Lack of respect.
No matter how well intended, a man who persistently and frequently bypasses his lady’s reservations speaks poorly of himself and his opinion of her. Most certainly *not* a gentleman.
And I think that any lady who would still date a man who disrespects her so, doesn’t quite understand what respect does for a man’s love.
See: A man who pushes a lady beyond the point of propriety is asking her to compromise herself. I have seen women do this in other ways. It neither earns the man’s respect nor mine.
Well, I don’t know if I could ever ask any of those questions. But, very useful! I remember a situation where I was living and working on a ranch with all guys. The cowboys wouldn’t have dreamed of being so disrespectful but the others (whom I had to spend most of my time with) harassed me incessantly.
There are situations where you can’t physically leave and no amount of silence will get them to stop…
My bf knows I had the “no sex before marriage” attitude because I made the mistake of telling him before we were dating. Yesterday he asked if I was still waiting for marriage but reassured he didn’t want to pressure me. I am still waiting, but I don’t know if I should confirm it. I just kind of brushed it off like “Oh I don’t know, I haven’t really thought about it” and then dropped the subject. Was that a good idea? What should I do if he brings it up again?
Your Ten-ness Anonymous,
No matter if a good idea. It’s done. If he inquires again, don’t complain, don’t explain, but shift to the thinking and away from the emotional side. Send him this message: “I admire people that stay true to their convictions and commitments, don’t you?
Guy
Thank you!