1540. Exotic vs. ‘Girl Next Door’


If you recall, this blog focuses on the basic nature of men and women before morality, religion, race, ethnicity, and personal values and emotions become involved. Readers question the appeal to men of exotic and ‘the girl next door’.

Men first judge with their eyes. Exotic appears strikingly different. The girl next door looks very familiar. What predominately appeals to men— the familiar or the different? Actually, they’re apples and oranges not to be compared but just described.

THE ‘GIRL NEXT DOOR’

  1. The girl next door is not 5’5”, white, blonde, blue eyed, and freckled. She’s normal, feminine or tomboy, and mainstream. But, she’s just visible to the boy next door until her female prettiness starts to shine in his face late in adolescence. Perception is reality and whatever appears to be, is. She grew pretty enough over the time that he knew her.
  2. She’s friendly and easy to know, feminine, unlike other girls, and so unique that after the neighbor boy’s hormone hurricane moderates somewhat late in his teens, she takes on a mature air of invincibility he hadn’t seen before. Her previous independence has mellowed such that he becomes far more interested in her as woman than as friend. Her heart and mind now outshine her external attractiveness.
  3. Factually, it’s not a girl but a process. It’s the lengthy but accidental development of a relationship. Men and women do it too. Accidentally brought together, both grow over time until they accept the other’s faults as far less important than their appealing virtues.
  4. Women use the erotic archetype to excuse their lack of feminine diligence for looking pretty, acting feminine, mastering an intriguing smile, fostering good relationships with men of little or no interest to them, and otherwise improving their chances for capturing and marrying a man. They compare their situation with a process, and it leads them to fool themselves.
  5. Don’t blame guys for falling for the girl next door. That could be you. To be like the gal next door, learn to develop and harmonize a deeper relationship with a friend, guy next door, or someone else to whom you are accidentally exposed. It’s the process more than the girl.

EXOTIC OR EROTIC

A strikingly different woman appeals to men either as newfound beauty, sex object, or both. Consequently, exotic women are the same as others; they just have something different. What they do with the difference shapes their lives. Since they can’t be separated, newfound beauty and sex appeal morph in men’s eyes from exotic to erotic. So let’s shift to that.

  1. Erotic features are merely that. Features! Hips or lips, breasts or buns. They all have appeal. Whether to embellish them or not, that’s the question. Erotic works to objectify a woman for sex. Exploit it and attract players. However, whatever suggests sex is much less attractive to the Marrying Man; he looks for something else, and a different version of female beauty can satisfy him.
  2. Generally, the more obvious a woman tries to exploit her erotic features, the less interesting she looks for much beyond sex. Furthermore, observers may or may not see the eroticism intended and may or may not even be interested. Let’s face it; a truly erotic appearing woman is definitely not mainstream. Men do, however, mostly stay married to mainstream gals. So, it’s another disadvantage. Erotic-appearing women don’t appear as particularly good candidates for marriage, at least on the surface.
  3. So, ladies, think of erotic features as neutral and non-combinable. To use such features to your advantage, don’t emphasize them; downplay them with feminine subtlety and female modesty. Use them to generate curiosity. Men transmute their curiosity into imagination and use it to take the full measure of you. If you have some exotic feature(s), it holds little value beyond what it symbolizes in either your or some man’s imagination. (It was on another subject but it applies here: Einstein said, “Imagination is more important than knowledge.”)
  4. After all, what role does an erotic appearance play for a man once he closes his eyes, such as in bed, such as in marriage, such as when he dumps you?

Exotic women improve their chances of attracting the Marrying Man if they downplay eroticism and encourage men to get to know them personally. That is, minimize the erotic, emphasize the exotic, and appear more feminine than just different female. Align those features more closely and you compete better with mainstream women.

16 Comments

Filed under Dear daughter

16 responses to “1540. Exotic vs. ‘Girl Next Door’

  1. Laura

    Thank you Mr Guy – this is fascinating.

    Laura

  2. Brittany

    Wow, Guy! This is so interesting! Thank you so much for posting!! :)

  3. Fascinating post! I’ve been turning all this over in my head since I read it yesterday and I’m afraid I don’t quite understand the connection between looking different, looking exotic, and looking erotic. I’ve definitely never thought of myself as the latter, but I know I look different & have been told I look exotic often enough. Wondering if you could clarify?

    Also, wondering about the girl next door being a process. Does this mean she doesn’t typically have guys she’s just met telling her that they think they’re “in love” or hinting about marriage/a future together, but rather attraction builds over a period of time?

    Really wanting to hear your further thoughts on this!!!!!

    Your Highness Buckaroogirl,

    Don’t worry, as you can’t do anything anyway. Women think of females as exotic if they appear different from mainstream women. Men think of exotic women as erotic.

    Yes, attraction for the girl next door builds over time. Yes, her relationships don’t start with a guy proclaiming his love.

    Guy

  4. Sir Guy:

    Excellent post as usual. I must ask a question. Do women of different ethnicities/races automatically appear as exotic to men. For example, I’ve been told I’m a “Jennifer Anniston” and not a “Angelina Jolie” among men of my same ethnic/racial group. However, would a man, generally speaking, from a different group see me as an “Angelina Jolie.” As you mentioned, there are advantages to being perceived as girl next door and exotic, depending on how the woman carries herself.

    Lady Arabella Victoria

    Your Highness Lady Arabella Victoria,

    Do you think that men want a woman that ‘appears’ like someone else? A copycat? If they’re attracted to you, it’s solely because you look great as Ladyarabellvictoria. Stay that way. Don’t even think Anniston, Jolie, or anyone else. To do so detracts your mind from making Lady Arabella Victoria shine her brightest.

    Celebrity worship ruins a woman for a relationship with a man. She can’t resist comparing herself with females and her man with pop idols and hunks. In both cases celebrities shine brighter and take the luster away from anyone compared. Think about it. You know more about yourself and men than do celebrities. How successful are they at perpetuating relationships?

    Incidentally, I don’t know Anniston, don’t care, and almost don’t know Jolie except I like her dad. Having to sustain their image converts celebrities into phonies. Some come out of that phony shell as did John Voight.

    Guy

  5. raynasybelle

    Reblogged this on The Black Hole Of The Internet and commented:
    Are you the “exotic” or the “girl next door?”

  6. Jessica

    Hey guy…

    I have a personal question for you. I am a tall woman (I am 5’9) and I never have trouble getting noticed. The moment I enter a room I feel like all eyes avert to me…but I feel that all the attention has made me more insecure than your average woman. Men approach me and are often quite bold, for the most part I dress conservatively, and work out days although I am a little curvy. I just sometimes wonder of the proper way to carry myself and how men see me…? I feel like even if I do a little primping it can easily be seen as too much…

    Your Highness Jessica,

    Every woman wishes she had your problems.
    + You should love your height (but keep your weight down).
    + The moment I enter a room I feel like all eyes avert to me. (You’ve grown so used to it that you don’t capitalize on such great wealth for a woman.)
    + “Men approach me.” Women complain regularly on the lack of it. Have you viewed recent article 1541?

    If you feel insecure about all the attention, shift into bold mode. Action changes emotions. Become a better attraction, present viewers with a prettier picture to behold. The extra primping will also help uplift you from your insecurities.

    Primping becomes too much only when you look unnatural, radical, or out of the mainstream of classy feminine appearance.

    You’re already sitting on top of the world, so I suggest you take greater advantage of the blessings God, Nature, and hormones provide you.

    Guy

    • Kaikou

      Guy can you tell how a woman can capitalize on the all eyes on me when I walk into a room? I too have that “powerful presence” and as much as I try to hide I am sought out as someone’s companion eventually? Outside of looking pretty and smiling how does a woman take hold of a room when people all already expecting it? What if you don’t want to be the “Queen Bee”?

      Lady Kaikou

      Your Highness Kaikou,

      You ask, “What if you don’t want to be the “Queen Bee”?” Sorry, you can’t abdicate without losing yourself in a miasma of grief and possible misery. You would essentially be acting against your own nature, self-image, and self-interest.

      Quit focusing on it. Weaken your self-consciousness and self-centeredness by associating more vigorously in your throne room. If you can’t, then act as if you do and eventually you will come to enjoy it. Action changes emotions.

      As to your other questions, the same answer applies.

      Guy

    • Jessica

      Awesome Guy, I never looked at it like that. Thank you much :0)

  7. Anne

    “Primping becomes too much only when you look unnatural, radical, or out of the mainstream of classy feminine appearance.”

    I am curious to know, then, why men routinely seem to have a *negative* attitude toward women they categorize as “high maintenance women”? The term seems, to me, to apply to a woman simply trying to look her best but perhaps including some “expensive” extras like professional manicures, professional waves, and a “look” that’s a step above everyone else (which is not hard to achieve when you stop wearing yoga pants and T-shirts everywhere!) In short, the women I’ve seen called “high maintenance” don’t seem to dress outlandishly, radically, or unnaturally; just “a cut above.” Am I missing something guys are seeing in these women (a certain attitude, perhaps)? Why the upturned nose at the “high maintenance woman”?

    Your Highness Anne,
    High maintenance women are those that impose high expectations on men. If they cost him a fortune to prettify themselves, then they may qualify. Otherwise, their appearance alone isn’t high maintenance.
    Guy

  8. Readingand growningup

    EDITOR’S NOTE: I RESPOND IN BOLD CAPS TO your comment in lower case. I ALSO BREAK IT UP FOR EASIER ANALYSIS.
    WELCOME ABOARD. IT’S A GREAT DAY WHEN ANOTHER PRETTY WOMAN JOINS US ON THIS CRUISE TO WHAT WOMEN NEVER HEAR.
    Guy

    This struck me:
    Women use the erotic archetype to excuse their lack of feminine diligence for looking pretty, acting feminine…. they compare their situation with a process, and it leads them to fool themselves. ABSOLUTELY CORRECT.

    The erotic archetype goes deep, the struggle is real. ABSOLUTELY CORRECT.
    I try…. I put on a little make-up, lost some dress sizes, do my hair the best I can. I am ultra conservative in dress but always neat and clean and adding new pieces. Left to my own devices I can walk with my head held high. That is until someone makes some snide remark to remind you don’t really meet the mark. WHY SHOULD YOU PAY ATTENTION TO SOMEONE SO CRASS AND INCONSIDERATE? THEY SHOULD HAVE JUST DISQUALIFIED THEMSELVES FOR YOUR INTEREST. WHAT KIND OF WOMAN WOULD YOU BE IF YOU MEASURED UP TO THEIR MARK?

    I was talking to a guy a few months ago the closest thing to an adult realtionship (I’m in my early twenties) and that thing almost crushed my self esteem. NO, HE CRUSHED YOUR SELF-IMAGE OVER WHICH YOU HAVE THE GREATER CONTROL. [SEE CONTENTS PAGE ABOUT SELF-ESTEEM AND SELF-IMAGE.]

    After he realized I wasn’t gonna put out I got the real deal about what he thought of me. IF YOU’RE NOT PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE, OTHERS WON’T BE EITHER. HIS COMMENTS IMPLY UNEQUIVOCABLY THAT HE WAS AFTER SEX AND NOT YOU AS A PERSON, WOMAN, OR FRIEND. HE WAS OPERATING IN DECEPTION AND DECEIT MODE UNTIL HE FOUND YOUR CHARACTER TO BE STRONGER THAN HIS. THEN HE FOLDED TO YOUR SUPERIOR ROLE IN THE WORLD. HE TRIED AND QUIT BEFORE LOSING. YOU STAYED THE COURSE AND WON WITHOUT DAMAGE.

    Talk about a crash course in dating market value. HE’S GOOD ENOUGH TO ESTABLISH MARKET VALUE?

    “don’t you know you are at best a 6, 6.5″. THAT’S THE 65TH PERCENTILE, JUST SHY OF THE TOP THIRD, WHICH MEANS YOU’VE DONE AT LEAST ADEQUATE SO FAR. AND ANYWAY, HOW ACCURATE ARE HIS JUDGMENTS? YOU’VE PLENTY OF ROOM TO GROW IN THE DIRECTION OF YOUR CHOICE, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED NEITHER HIM NOR A MAKEOVER.

    You need to get some clothes”. WOULD YOU RESPECT YOURSELF DRESSED IN HIS IDEA OF PASSABLE (E.G., EROTIC) CLOTHES? HE REALLY WAS SAYING, IF YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ME, IMPROVE YOUR APPEARANCE. WELL, IF THAT DOESN’T HACK YOU OFF, YOU HAVE STINKING THINKING.

    I was so humiliated and when it was all over I found out his longtime girlfriend was the beauty archetype! Which in my country has long straight hair, light skin and a buxom hourglass figure all of which I’m not. I felt like a fool…. “hey finally someone likes you” .. “haha not so fast sike!” YOU DEFEATED YOURSELF BY BELIEVING SOMEONE THAT DESTROYS HIS OWN CREDIBILITY? WHOSE CRED DO YOU TRUST MORE? HIS OR YOUR HIGHLY EXPERIENCED AND PERSONALIZED MIND AND HEART? MOREOVER, WHEN YOU LEARN TO LIKE YOURSELF BETTER, YOU’RE OFF THE HOOK TO FIND OTHERS TO CONFIRM IT.

    I sometimes have nagging feelings of inadequacy and shame. DON’T WE ALL?

    Oh I need to whiten my teeth, WHITEN ONLY IF STAINED, OTHERWISE IT LOOKS UNNATURAL, PHONY, AND AS IF YOU’RE SEEKING THE EROTIC.

    I need to lose 30 more pounds…. my hip to waist ratio is like a linebacker my shape is not feminine. SO? WORK ON IT, WHICH BEATS LETTING IT WHIP YOU. SPEND MORE TIME ON YOURSELF. FOR EXAMPLE, I RECOMMEND DAILY EXPOSURE TO YOUR BEST MIRROR AS DESCRIBED IN POSTS 806, 1146, AND 1752.

    Some days when I am wearing heels and stepping out I feel like a chicken wearing stilts in a sea of flamingoes..THAT’S GREAT. MEN MARRY WOMEN THAT ARE DIFFERENT FROM THE OTHERS. HUSBANDS LOOK GOOD TO THEIR COMPETITORS WHEN WIVES ARE ATTRACTIVE (NOT PERFECT, JUST ATTRACTIVE IN HUSBANDS’ EYES.)

    It’s like trying to excel at an insurmountable task with less than half of the basic resources,Sheer frustration. INSURMOUNTABLE BECAUSE YOU SAY IT IS. IF YOU REPEATEDLY CLAIM IT BE CONQUERABLE, IT WILL BECOME SO. (FAIL TO PLAN AND YOU PLAN TO FAIL. IF IT IS TO BE, IT IS UP TO ME.)

    For self-efficacy I stand tall with everyone, I think I can do everything and anything I want to achieve and have the potential to accomplish anything. THAT SOUNDS MORE MASCULINE THAN FEMININE. SUCCESSFUL WIVES’ EFFICACY IS MORE RECOGNIZED BY RELATIONSHIP HARMONIZING THAN ACCOMPLISHING THINGS. (DON’T BE OFFENDED. WITHHOLD JUDGMENT ABOUT IT UNTIL YOU LEARN MORE ON THIS BLOG ABOUT SEX DIFFERENCES.)

    Relating to men: Violent assault during home burglary at 12 makes me kind of awkward around men in romantic relationships. UNDERSTOOD WITH ADMIRATION FOR YOUR RECOVERY THAT MUST BE SOMEWHERE ABOVE 95%.

    They can see that my up-tightness is not just about my commitment no sex before marriage but a vigilant approach toward self-preservation…. DON’T BET THAT MEN SEE IT AS YOU DO, BECAUSE THEY DON’T. YOUR UP-TIGHTNESS PROBABLY MAKES YOU APPEAR LESS LIKEABLE. COME OUT OF YOUR SHELL. BE YOURSELF. LIVE IN THE PRESENT WITH EYES ON THE FUTURE. MAKE YOURSELF APPEAR AS A CANDIDATE FOR WIFE BY DISPLAYING ALL THE PROMISE YOU HOLD TO MAKE YOU AND A MAN’S FUTURE SHINE IN HIS EYES.

    needing adequate time to know and trust first before I jump feet first into a relationship. I feel like i can’t be free to be myself I have to try and avoid rejection and shame… YOU’VE TAKEN IN ENOUGH REJECTION AND SHAME. CLOSE THE DOOR ON IT. FIND SOMETHING THAT CAN KILL REJECTION AND SHAME AND CALL IT UP EVERYTIME THOSE NEGATIVE FEELINGS INVADE YOUR THOUGHTS. FOR EXAMPLE, IMMEDIATELY RECALL AND THINK ABOUT SOMETHING OR SOMEBODY YOU LOVE DEARLY—GRANNY, SIBLING, CHURCH, SCHOOL DAYS, OR WHATEVER ELSE CAN HOLD YOUR ATTENTION FOR A FEW SECONDS. IMMEDIATELY KILL NEGATIVE THOUGHTS WITH AFFIRMING POSITIVES AND THE NEGS ARE EASIER TO HANDLE AND DISREMEMBER. THAT TRANSLATES TO NOT GUILTY AND YOU GO FREE.

    FINALLY, SCROLL THE CONTENTS PAGE AND READ UP ON THE ROLE THAT GRATITUDE PLAYS IN THE LIVES OF WOMEN. REMEMBER THIS: THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD ABOUT WHICH TO BE GRATEFUL IS YOU. FIND IT AND OTHER PROBLEMS DISAPPEAR.

  9. Readingandgrowingup

    Thank you,
    I will read the recommended posts and continue learning more…

  10. Geneva

    Hello,
    I just stumbled upon your blog and after reading some of the posts I just felt I should commend you. I think that your writings and ideas are quite insightful,its values-based but real at the same time. I especially like the fact that you help women appreciate their dignity and self worth.
    We have a program for Singles coming up in may and I was searching for ideas on activities that could help with bonding as the idea behind the program is coupling for marriage. Any ideas?

    Your Highness Geneva,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    Yes, I have many ideas but we should take it off blog at least for now. Study the CONTENTS page at blog top and then contact me at planohelm@verizon.net.

    In the meantime, here are a couple of the most important ideas. Men don’t bond with sex as women do. Men change dramatically after their first sex together, aka conquest. Men want to stay married to the same woman they marry, but single women have other intentions.

    Guy

  11. Mel

    Hi Guy, I enjoyed your article and have a question. I have been told I’m attractive (not super model unfortunately!), friendly, compassionate, make men feel at ease and I’m sensual. My question is whether exotic / erotic women are competition for women like myself when I’m married or are these women a momentary visual distraction for husbands?
    Thanks.

    Your Highness Mel,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    You should always expect husband to have momentary visual distraction. It’s his nature to look for opportunity. Exotic/erotic women are less of a threat to you. His emotional fidelity to you is the most important. Men look more for virtue (admirable qualities) than for appeals to their sexual nature if their heart is to be swayed away from their mate. Neither are the exotic/erotic warming him up for you to satisfy. Sexual appeal passes quickly when out of view.

    Guy

    • Mel

      Thank you for your reply. I’ve always worried that I wouldn’t be enough even if married, that any younger / hotter woman would replace me. I guess we women see things a lot differently to the men in our lives causing needless worry!

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