1559. Betrayal—The Hopeless Trickster


I close this series with the lousiest kind of cheating husbands. Probably a player before marriage, the hopeless trickster continues his antics afterward. He can’t deal with a woman without expecting to take her to bed now, soon, or later. He’s the con man of sex. His pride is built around conquests and scoring undetected by his wife. He can’t settle down. With a conscience deadened by promiscuity, he leaves a trail of disappointed and disrespected women. Wife is the exception, worse that is, because she is devastated and disrespected beyond comprehension. His emotional immaturity smacks wife with boundless emotional unfaithfulness.

When she finds out, her self-respect, self-confidence, and sense of importance in life sink into a swamp of misery. Except for loss of a child, nothing devastates her more. Her misery rises not so much from his betrayal but from her submergence in the moral filth of it all. She feels not only used but also dirty.

That’s enough about his trails of tears. Let’s look at him more deeply.

  • Caught up in adolescent fantasies, conviction of sexual prowess, and the appeal of adventurism, he chases women with total disregard for feelings left behind.
  • He rationalizes that wife either drove him to it or should have been a better wife, and it makes his guilt wilt away—if he in fact feels any guilt. Not likely, however, since promiscuity sears his conscience about the opposite sex.
  • By blaming wife, his self-image about integrity goes unblemished in his eyes. With self-image never disturbed and guilt so easily displaced, quite opposite of the ‘accidental cheater’, he withdraws from attentions and actions designed to please his wife. It’s her fault, he thinks, why should she be rewarded? Emotionally he hangs her out to dry and justifies his further cheating.
  • He’s the cheater that wife easily suspects and detects. However, when found out and different from the bullet above, he often disguises his total lack of respect of wife by trying to demonstrate super love, smooth talk, and persuasive charm. He seeks to compensate for his folly and keep her on their string of a marriage. His sense of significance won’t allow him to fail at anything with a woman, and so he tries to prop up their marriage enough that she doesn’t dump him.

As mentioned above, the hopeless trickster makes the lousiest of cheating husbands. But many are less so. The accidental cheater can make a good if not wonderful husband when left to recover through his own conscience and character. The booty fraud may be recoverable, but the wife plays the major role by winning out over her competition. The serial conqueror may be recoverable, but he can never be trusted. The hopeless trickster remains precisely that. For his wife trying to harmonize their marriage, the threat of his seared conscience prevents the simplest measure of trust so essential for marital compatibility and peace.

For all of the above and plenty more reasons, deliberate courtship screening of a man’s character pays off better than all the infatuation, lust, and romantic love that lead to so many mistakes determining just who is and who isn’t Mr. GoodEnough.

6 Comments

Filed under The mind

6 responses to “1559. Betrayal—The Hopeless Trickster

  1. Lark.

    Oh guy, like always you are spot on. There’s only one outcome with a boy like that and that is heartache. I had to leave a man like this due to irreconcilable differences and I am saying as well that he really truly is hopeless and beyond repair. Thank you for classifying these jerks for us. Women have the right to know and be on guard.

    Much love,

    Lark

    Your Highness Lark,
    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.
    Guy

  2. Daughter of Thunder

    I found this blog because I was dating an older man (now almost 51 y.o.– 11 years my senior) and found out there was another woman (even younger than me, almost 36 y.o. to date) that he dated from out of state while we were together.

    I found out he was marrying her a month before their wedding (married on May 5th 2012), only after deflecting repeated calls from him to rekindle our ‘flame’ declaring he couldn’t ‘lose me forever’. I broke it off from him sensing his non-commitment many months beforehand, when I was on a deployment to Iraq for work. His recent calls just show players always try to cycle back around.

    My dumping him, and criticizing him to his ex-wife, seemed to really rock this player–he was hysterical and said I ‘sealed the deal’. I had no idea I was in competition. I guess what else cures a player’s ego than bagging a girl 15 years younger than him for marriage, just 16 weeks after being dumped by the other woman he was cheating with?! Actually, was I the other woman or was she the other woman and my exit crowned her his wife? LOL ;-)

    After I had a good ole southern ‘come apart’, due to the sting of his exceptional deception and betrayal (allowed by stupidity on my part), I did some very astute research. Turns out he had me, her, a woman he knew from High School PLUS some lady who worked at the courthouse in town all at the same time. His frequent travel for the Army allowed the room to maneuver. Additionally, this new wife is his 3rd marriage, and she was the woman who broke up his 20-year marriage (2nd marriage) many years ago. Turns out, she didn’t know at first that he was married when he was seeing her; but she made the fatal mistake of forgiving him once he got divorced and then hung in there for years in a long-distance relationship.

    This I know–she didn’t win him from withholding sex, but she did make him think he had to have her in marriage. He clearly is not devoted to her and doesn’t respect her nor me. Sadly, she has no clue who she is really married to, and she is giving up having children to be with this man. I think it is probable that his character will finally slip out years from now; leaving her infertile for another marriage and with life-long regret

    Both this new wife, and myself, are extremely successful, educated (Master’s degree) women. Yet, by stupidity about the principles you teach in your blog, she and I were both duped. Secular education breeds feminism.

    This post about the Hopeless Trickster perfectly illustrates what I now know–the man has no conscience nor any respect for women.

    Your blog literally healed me and saved me from countless months that I would have wasted trying to understand what and why.

    What I learned: I did not qualify him; I was easily conquered; I crowned him king as boyfriend; I ignored red flags about his past; and I was the one more afraid to lose the relationship, therefore I settled for less than what was acceptable toward a lady.

    Even more: I learned that I had been indoctrinated as a feminist without even knowing it–thus landing me as still single at nearly 40. I literally had a blind spot regarding a competitive spirit in me and a strong desire to be seen as “equal”. No wonder I have been coined as “intimidating”.

    Most IMPORTANT thing I learned: The Word of God, which I am intimately acquainted with, cannot be broken. It is esteemed even higher than the Name of the Lord. Heaven and earth will pass away, but the Word of God stands forever. I earned this heartache because of my sin of unbelief. I failed to believe that the Lord could provide a remnant in a perverse society that would wait for sex before marriage. Satan exploited that unbelief, and fear of being single, to effectively pull me into a 7-year wilderness that ended in me being taken advantaged of and defiled at my very core.

    I so much appreciate your emphasis on not focusing too much on mistakes and implementing virtual virginity. I literally feel set free from the accuser’s grip and the shame is removed by the Blood of the Lamb.

    Never under-estimate how much your work is breaking down strongholds and proving that God is good and the Bible is not a book of suggestions, but rather commands for abundant living for the saved.

    I hope this post helps at least one woman come out of darkness.

    – The Daughter of Thunder (Mark 3:17)

    Your Highness Daughter of Thunder,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    That’s quite a story. Thank you for sharing it.

    Guy

  3. Barbie0324

    Hello, my husband and I have been separated 5 months now. He left me for another woman. He recently admitted that he cheated a few times before in our marriage. We have been married for 20 years. I blame myself for the demise of the marriage because we had a lot of stress in our lives because of finances and our failing business. He said he was tired of us not being intimate enough and he lost his connection to me. I asked him if he wanted a divorce and he said yes. I said so you are never going to live in this house again and he said he never said that. Talk about confusing.

    Anyway, he comes and goes at the house since he still has a key. He takes care of the yard and repairs and is always asking what he can do for me. He even made me soup and left in in the Fridge. He will do anything I ask and will even clean the inside of the house. I don’t know what to make of all this. I still love him and want him back since I think a lot this is my fault and I drove him away and made him so unhappy.

    What are the chances of his relationship lasting with the other woman? This is so devastating to me. Keep in mind he e-mails me every day and calls every week. He was trying to see me once a week on a weekend, but I think she stop him from that. I need some serious advice on his behavior. Thank you

    Marie

    Your Highness Marie,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    I can’t advise you. However, I can describe how his nature is likely to push him one way or another when you act in certain ways.

    First, you say, “He left me for another woman.” No he didn’t. He picked up another woman to share part of his life. He has his cake and eats it too. Why should he change?

    Second, if he wants a divorce, why hasn’t he initiated it? Self-admiration flows from his subterfuge to keep TWO women glad that he doesn’t leave them. Why should he change? All goes well for him as he pleases both you and her enough to keep you from rebelling. Obviously, he has a similar balance of interests with the other woman. Such balance in moderate doses discourages change.

    You have two options: 1) Dump him and risk losing him for good. 2) Continue going along with what you have with the hope that he someday will see the light and drop the other woman and return to you.

    The first option is the riskiest on the surface but the option most likely to force him to choose you or the other woman. If you, then you win. If her, then you lose. At least, you know how to get on with your life.

    The second option leaves you balanced between your hopes and the other woman’s influence with him. Although less risky until something breaks the ‘tie’, you face a more uncertain future both before and after he chooses one over the other—if he ever does.
    His emotional connection to either you or his marital responsibility seems strong. Contrary to what women think, a man’s sexual connection isn’t as strong as his emotional connection. So, the biggest mystery you face is how intense his emotional connection is to her compared to the intensity for you and family. There’s only one way to find out—proceed to dump him from your life.
    I can’t advise how you should proceed. But, you can prepare yourself by studying blog articles 1784 through 1794 about cheater, dignity, and marital recovery. Then you can dump him in ways that stir his heart and mind much more seriously than stirred over the past five months. To do so, act with self-assurance, self-confidence, and self-determination that he hasn’t seen before:

    • Tell him preferably in writing that the marriage as such ends now. Avoid giving him the opportunity to argue against your plan. Don’t explain and don’t complain about him, marriage, her, you, children, or anything else. Make him wonder just what’s in your mind and make him witness actions that work against his interest.

    • Get his house key. Advise him that you and your house are no longer available for his use. (If you have continued to have sex with him, that is the biggest obstruction to ever recovering him as your faithful husband. Stop immediately and neither explain nor complain. Mystery serves you unless his emotional connection to her exceeds that which he has for you.)

    • Advise him that you will file for divorce. Act as a very determined woman striking out to regain her independence and finding a new way to pursue her hopes and dreams. He has been cast adrift.

    • Don’t admit that you caused anything that went wrong. Also, pose this marital dilemma to him: “He said he was tired of us not being intimate enough and he lost his connection to me.” You claim that ‘not intimate enough’ for a man usually means not intimate at all for a woman. Then, don’t explain and don’t complain.

    I close by referring you to the two options. Either take steps to formally dump him and force new decisions from him, or hang on for dear and often disappointing life. It’s up to you.

    Guy

    • Marie

      Thank you so much Guy for telling it like it is!! You are so friggin smart. Who are you and how did you become such a genius?

      Anyway, we do not have sex or even see each other that much. My friend told me to make him get the divorce and not do anything but live my life as if he isn’t coming back. After all, it’s not like I am going to get married or anything right now so I don’t see the point. I don’t want to get the divorce because I know it will force him to make the decision if his girlfriend pressures him. I can’t imagine her wanting him to stay married to me and coming to the house often to keep up the maintenance on the house. Whatever ticks her off is fine with me. That’s really the only reason I put up with it. I live in a State where you have to wait a full year before you can file (unless I want to push the issue of Adultry). What do you think about what I just said here?

      YourHighness Marie,
      Common sense inevitably delivers the best answer.
      Guy

  4. Marie

    Also, I forgot to tell you that we own a business together and I have control over the finances of that business. That’s another reason I am not rushing anything. I have access to money this way. Once he has complete control of the business checking account, I will not have my name on it and lose access. And I need money so it’s very confusing for me right now.

    Your Highness Marie,
    Don’t even think you’re confused. You have it all straight in your mind, so continue doing what works for you.
    Guy

  5. MLaRowe

    Is there any hope for this sort of man, the Hopeless Trickster? I hate to not have any hope at all. Could this actually also be described as sex addiction? I have known such a man, when I was single and I do agree that he had a “string of a marriage” (an accurate description) which later did end in divorce. Can a person like this decide to change?

    You Highness MLaRowe,
    Such a guy is very unlikely to change. Sex addiction is only the symbol. He hates himself, which he can’t escape by himself. The love of Christ can overwhelm his self-loathing, but it requires a traumatic change in his beliefs.
    Guy

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