Her Highness Simplicity Evermore, a college junior, described lessons she learned on campus. It will interest many, disappoint mothers, stir dads’ anger, and inform college bound girls what to expect. It’s unusually long but especially worthy of discussion between parents and daughters.
She set her theme by quoting the next two paragraphs from my article 1645.
“In fact, refusing to yield sex in college makes girls unpopular but it earns respect, which is a much better investment for her virtue and marital opportunities. If appreciated as if she earned it, respect helps girls mature in college and colors them valuable as marriage prospects. They mature sooner than college boys do and especially sooner than female peers participating in boys’ games of sexual adventurism.
“Respect earned by refusing sex doesn’t mean boys will act as if she’s respected, because their buddies are watching. Campus and especially frat boys compete with each other, and girls are the chips that boys gamble with. (You’ve probably heard of girls being called ‘chippies’.)”
Then Simplicity Evermore got down to the business of describing campus life in words we can all understand. Except for a little typo editing and adding my comments in brackets, she wrote as follows.
I want to throw in my two cents and I am not going to mince words. This woman [cited as new college student in post 1645] will need a strong network of support if she is going to go into college without giving away free sex. Unpopular and disrespected are very nice terms about what she will encounter at college. I am a junior in college, and I have been subscribing to and practicing Sir Guy’s blog for about two years. I am not an expert, but I do speak from experience. While it is true that some young men WILL respect a girl, because she withholds sex, demonstrates strong self-respect and upholds Judeo-Christian values, most people (male and female alike) will not. In fact, I find that Contempt is the coin of the realm.
Most young men will fall into two categories:
These are the worst. I have seconded them as Lady-Killers, because they destroy women. They disrespect all women because they are incapable of self-respect. (People cannot give what they don’t have and/or never learned.) Showered in their own self-contempt these young men believe themselves to be God’s gift to women. They are usually good looking, have LOTS of girlfriends/female admirers, nice cars, and are popular. I also find that in general, fraternity boys fit this category. They will not respect you under any circumstances, may travel in packs of two or three men (or one man and several women) and LOOK for women to disrespect. BEWARE fraternity guys.
Fraternities are developing a reputation for making up databases on freely available women and hunting those women. It sounds extreme. For some it can be. But if your ‘street-rep’ gets to be that you are a ‘virgin’ you will be harassed on some level by somebody. And it isn’t just the guys. Pretty Boys like to set their Jealous Girlfriends on you. (And Jealous Girlfriends HATE virgins.)
Tips to Deal with Pretty Boys:
Ignore them, (You will learn to spot them, like you can spot the difference between a dog and a cat. So don’t worry about finding them. They will find you eventually, anyway.) the less attention you give them, the happier you will be. They read EVERYTHING as interest because they expect it, and they get it from MRS [described below] and Jealous Girlfriend. To them, all interested women are needy self-disrespecting women and therefore, worthy of the highest contempt. Take and discard is their attitude about women.
Make them work for every scrap of attention they get. (I make them work just to say “hello”.)
Avoid them if you can–They bring trouble like flies on a carcass. The harder they have to work, the less likely they will interact with you.
Travel in groups of women. (Preferably like-minded, but those are hard to find, so I will talk about the “Human Shield” under types of women.) I always hang out with my girlfriends, or find a group of girls to sit with in the cafeteria at lunch.
Remember what they look like. Pretty Boys are very good at sexual harassment and space invasion. **Write it down and report it.** Being repeatedly harassed by a bunch of guys stinks. Especially when they know your class times.
Have a campus-police friend. Police are your friends. They make nice phone contacts.
Change where you sit in class. Sitting with your girlfriends and other girls in “your spot” is great. But sometimes pesty people like to sit behind someone to hassle them. Never sit with guys. They take it as entitlement.
Avoid the back 3 rows in class. In fact, be a Front Row Sitter. All the people who do obnoxious things because they like to waste daddy’s money sit in the back of class. They have “cliques” back there and WILL heckle people just to make them move.
The Disinterestedly Apathetic Male:
His attitude: “You are way too much work. I will hang out with these girls over here.” Not a marriage candidate. Not a friend candidate. He’s out for sex, or a good time or something, but he’s not as voracious as the Pretty Boy. My estimate is that he wants friendly female attention a bit more than he wants sex. However, he wants to LOOK like he’s getting sex. (So his guy friends will think he’s cool.) So the modest, hard-to-get female won’t get his attention because she’s not scantily clad enough. He’s harmless, provided he doesn’t develop a crush on you or anything. The biggest two problems this man poses are disappointment, and the Jealous Girlfriend.
He’s disappointing and discouraging because we as ladies like to have a bit of friendly male attention. (He’s not bad enough to be undesirable, but not good enough to step up to the plate. Hence the disappointment.) So I want to put in a word here: College is NOT the place for male attention. It is a place to soak up good times with your girlfriends, study hard, and have female adventures. It’s so easy to say “I don’t want male attention.” It’s a LOT harder to stick with your girlfriends and have a good attitude about all the cute little ladies in their skimpy outfits with five guys hanging on their arms or the pesty, pesty disrespectful boys. Especially if your girlfriends aren’t like-minded.
Tips to Deal with the Disinterestedly Apathetic Male:
Have a LOT of female company. You should spend time with ladies as much as you can, doing girly-girl things.
Spend time with your dad.
A word to Dads:
Dads, this is a really critical time for your counter-cultural daughter. She needs to feel beautiful, wanted, desirable, valued and loved. It’s bad enough out here at college to make it on my own and struggle with these things.
As a woman whose father is not-as-involved-as-she-would-like, I just want to put in: I think He’s the best Dad in the whole world. I just want to point out that it’s a very, very hard struggle to go it alone when the guys are putting you down for who you are and the girls are non-supportive or derogatory. It was even harder when the girls started to not want to hang out with me because so many guys were talking about my hard-to-getness that it made the girls crazy. DO NOT underestimate the amount of peer-pressure out there. It is TREMENDOUS. Your daughter NEEDS a good church, good friends, and ABOVE ALL an involved dad. PLEASE sit down and ask her what she needs you to do to give her friendly male attention. I suggest that your daughter sit down, and write a list of what she thinks she will need from you (A short list, ladies. ~_^) and talks with you about those things over time as her college life changes. I have seen too many girls fall to the boyfriend-solution. That is a bad replacement for an involved father.
The Good Man:
These are really rare and hard to find. But if a woman sticks to her beliefs long enough she will find a handful of these. I have found a few, and they are worth having. They want to hang out with girls (just to be friends!) have fun doing constructive things, and thereby support you in your efforts. They’re a bit shy, and it takes them time to decide if they want to be friends, but when they do they’re like brothers. They make all the pain worth it.
Most women fall into two categories:
Here to get my M.R.S. Degree:
This is the average girl. She’s not catty, but she’s single and looking. She is not supportive because she’s so busy trying to get married that any male in the immediate vicinity has precedence over anything else happening. It sounds crazy but it’s true. Unless you employ her as the Human Shield, you will find yourself competing with the men in the room to keep her attention at lunch, or forcing the conversation away from it’s naturally recurring subject of men.
The Human Shield:
The girlfriend comes first. Do what she likes to do (within reason) and basically just treat her like a good friend. Let her do ALL the talking. (Cuts down on gossip and minimizes the damage of Jealous Girlfriend, who I will talk about later.) The more she talks about, the less I need to. In fact, if I can find a non-male-species subject she likes to talk about, I’ll just get her talking on that and keep her talking. When I get three or more of them talking together, I usually just sit back, listen, and enjoy the conversation. Since she likes guys, I can let her intercept all the male company that comes my way. She will want to talk their ear off anyway, because she’s trying to get married, so this gives me an opportunity to assess the character of the male in question. In addition, because M.R.S. Degree is usually dressed a little bit more flashily than I am, I can see what the male’s goals are. Be WARNED: The Male will generally spend his time with my girlfriend, more than with me. Again, a girl cannot go into college expecting to get quality male attention. Basically, that’s all there is to the human shield. If the Male actually does manage to get away from her and talk to me, then I will usually get him to pay for it by answering a question, keep the interaction short, and walk away.
The Jealous Girlfriend:
I think this is what happens when M.R.S. gets desperate or dumped too many times. This girl is trouble. She OWNS her man and will harass another if he so much as looks her friend’s way. In the Jealous Girlfriend’s eyes, her boyfriend is capable of no wrong. It’s my fault if he flirts with me, compares her to me, or uses me as some kind of leverage against her. (Granted he’s disgusting enough to do that with any other woman, it just happens to be My Lucky Day that day.) Boyfriend tends to use Jealous Girlfriend’s jealousy to manipulate her anyway he can. She is self-disrespecting and will stand on her head for him. Finding this girl is not hard. Like Pretty Boy she is easily distinguishable. She’s a bit harder to avoid than Pretty Boy though, because she’s a tad more obsessive than him. She likes to talk about how wonderful her boyfriend is, or how badly he treats her; the Greatest Relationship Manipulator and Clique former of all time. The really nasty ones usually have four or five girls they hang out with and act with in groups.
Tips on Dealing with Jealous Girlfriend:
Let your girlfriends do the talking. Pretty Boy and Jealous Girlfriend feed off rumors and each other. (Remember the Rule: Every Rumor is True. I have not found one person at college who does not live by that maxim to some degree, yet.) Also, I don’t confide in my girlfriends till I’m sure they don’t gossip.
Make friends slowly or bring your own to college. I take about a year before I call someone my friend. Until then, they’re acquaintances.
The Relationship Tango:
When I have to interact with Jealous Girlfriend and her Boyfriend, she gets all the props. I address only her, and interact with only her. Her boyfriend Does Not Exist, unless he works to earn my attention (at his own risk, of course). In addition, I try to encourage the two persons to stay together, by admiring what they do well for one another, and/or encouraging them to treat each other well. I keep this attitude in mind: If Boyfriend is low enough to pit me against Jealous Girlfriend, then I’ll shame him for treating his girlfriend with so much disrespect. Jealous Girlfriend is more concerned with my assumed desire to steal her boyfriend from her, rather than pitting me against boyfriend.
That has really solved a lot of relationship troubles for me. Remember: Good girlfriends are hard to find; the best one can look for is MRS. I try to treasure everyone as if they were the person I want them to be, but encourage them to become something better.
Also, he who is afraid to lose, loses. There are many social manipulation games out there. Sometimes you have to do something crazy, like risk a relationship just to win out. Don’t be afraid to give up everything and start over. I have lost girlfriends to both Jealous Girlfriend and Pretty Boy. And I have lost guy friends to MRS. Sadly, no one stays around forever.
A girl can’t do it without God and she might not do it without family. But she CAN do it without friends. It really helped me to take the summers off, and to join a growing church in my area. Life is hard, but nothing in life worth having is easy. BE THANKFUL, THANKFUL THANKFUL for everything. The attitude of gratitude really pulls you through on the rough days when nothing goes right. Never be afraid to call home, or never be ashamed of your parents in front of others, no matter how uncool that makes you. Remember equality is another term for popularity, and people rise to their highest level of self-contempt. (Or sink to the lowest common denominator.) Avoid fraternities and sororities as they produce the most Jealous Girlfriends and Pretty Boys.
Sounds like a trip to hell. Sir guy wasn’t kidding when he said college is the Mamma of Social Trials. So I’m going to say something encouraging now: 2 Peter 1:3 His Divine Power has given us everything we need for life and godliness, through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. In two years, despite the hardships I’ve seen some really interesting changes on campus. Word got around and people started obeying my little interaction rules. I started getting personal space, and bits of respect here and there. Granted, I have a lot of enemies and nay-sayers, but I’ve enjoyed what I have earned, and that makes all the pain and received contempt worth it. These experiences have taught me a lot about what makes a good man, and how to stand up for myself; how to deal with sexual harassment; how to handle large groups of people; what self-respect looks like; how much fun I can have all by myself; the pricelessness of naps on campus; and a bit about female recovery. I’ve learned a bit more about modesty that I’d like to share with you too, if I can. It’s a bit more than just sitting with my legs crossed and wearing a t-shirt and jeans; while it may not be readily obvious it’s handy to use.
Modesty: (Or, How to help yourself and all those struggling males.)
I find that it’s really important to squat instead of bending down to reach something. Even though, loose fitting jeans are modest, most cuts still tend to fit a bit tightly around my rump. …and guys like looking at it waving up there in the air. This was brought home even more, watching girls in their super-short-shorts with their rumps waving in the air. If one needs confirmation, take a step back and watch it sometime. This problem can be further avoided by wearing some of the really short shirt-dresses over one’s shirt and jeans. The extra material hides the rump and the way one’s hips sway.
Make-up is really good for hiding the hormonal flush. Guys are less likely to pick on girls if they don’t look red in the face and around the eyes. Make-up can also help keep one’s lips from looking so swollen. I can’t afford make-up (poor college student that I am) so I smile, and purse my lips slightly. Immature college males are really unforgiving about uncaused female hormones; but if I don’t look like I even notice my own, they won’t either! XD Smiling a lot helps anyway because it’s female friendliness; and since I have a habit of smiling at everyone, I don’t look like I’m inviting anyone over. (Dunno if this makes sense. Other bodies may not work like mine. If you need more details I will expound.)
When riding the bike, don’t stand up on it. Standing and riding makes one’s rump look wiggly.
[Soooooo many details, but prevention is worth a pound of cure.]
I don’t ever tell anyone that I’m on my cycle, or when I get it. That sounds really obvious. I had a friend who told people that about hers. It did not go well. Someone found out about mine and some of the frat boys took up a schedule on when they thought I’d get it. The girls at my school have a sign they give the boys when they’re on their cycle. So I used it to confuse everyone by “Being on mine” all the time. (MUAHAHA)
I discovered through reading, that whenever I take off a jacket or put one on I need to face the wall. This tells male observers “My body is not for you.” Same if you stretch and yawn by sticking your chest out, or bend over (your rump should face the wall) instead of squat.
Always hug a male from the side. Never give a full-frontal hug; too many female parts.
Keep yourself to yourself. Everyone likes it better when I leave divulging my own personal information on a per question basis. It leaves a lot of mystery, and prevents me from having all my secrets and desires hanging out in the open.
I try to let people come to me, rather than seeking people out. Minding my own business has proved to be the greatest people magnet I know. Maybe it’s charisma. Maybe it’s bad luck. Maybe it’s a bit of both. God always brings me the people he wants me to be with, though.
Flirting is an absolute DON’T. Flirting gets a girl in trouble with everyone. I don’t touch my hair unless I’m in the bathroom; never flip my hair at anyone. I DO NOT EVER lick my lips. That is a NASTY form of flirting. (I can’t explain why. A male friend told me, I watch it happen on campus all the time. People try it on me. Didn’t want to experiment and find out why.)
A wise man said flirting is a form of cowardice. Any guy who would flirt with a girl before he’s even interested is messing around with her emotions without any serious intention towards commitment. (Same for girls.)
Don’t dream or fantasize about any relationship with anyone. Hope deferred makes the heart sick; emotional impurity causes disappointment and even the renunciation of values. Nothing is guaranteed until you get it. PRAY over every relationship. If I feel really involved, I’ll tell someone I trust, and make some emotional distance between me and the person I feel involved with.
Don’t hang out with a man alone.
Homework over people. Always.
Take a night a week off for yourself.
Read the bible as often as possible and pray a lot.
Above all: DON”T BE AFRAID TO USE VERBAL FORCE AND SHAME TACTICS.
Don’t hang out at night. Impose your own curfew and keep it.
Don’t Gossip. Don’t Swear. Don’t use Sexual Innuendos. Don’t talk about sex. Don’t Drink.
Don’t EVER let ANY Male touch you for anything other than a handshake or a hug.
Other things one may NOT know about college life:
Don’t go to orgies (massive sexual gatherings), raves, rainbow parties, or play spin the bottle. Fraternities and sororities are known for their drunken sex parties. Don’t go to a frat/sorority rush, or party. Don’t let anyone haze you.
Don’t ever feel like you owe a man anything. When someone says sex is cheap, that is an understatement. At my school people have sex in the study rooms; and a guy can get it for a coke. If anyone owes anything, it’s always the other party owing me.
Bring a map. Seniors like to hassle freshmen, among other ways, by giving them the wrong directions. (Like freshmen really don’t have enough stress.) Freshmen also tend to be the best female targets because no one knows who they’ve slept with yet.
Don’t ever tell anyone you’re a freshman. See above.
In co-ed classes don’t be afraid to be the awkwardly modest female, even if you have to find your very own changing spot. I had to be late to group call, every class, in a certain class, because I was the last one in the changing room, and the last one out. Yes, females WILL make fun of your body AND tell everyone else what it looks like. And guys DO try to find out your bra size.
Guard your heart. Nasty people like to trip up nice little girls.
BEWARE creepy old men.
Leading by example works MUCH better than explaining why.
I know this is a lot. But I hope it helps a little bit. Thank you SO much for taking the time to read, and consider. I hope your daughter has an easier time in college then I’ve had, and a good transition. I know as a Dad, you will support her.
Oh! — I forgot one: Don’t ever tell anyone you’re a virgin. My virginity or lack thereof is a secret, secret, secret.
[Guy adds this: My hat goes off and I extend a grateful handshake to the author. She has provided this blog with an informative essay written brilliantly and made highly valuable to many people.]