Her Highness Katarina wondered: “Ummm, is it possible to induce a guilty feeling in a man? I don’t think it’s possible to make a man feel guilty… Seems like the more a woman blames, accuses, and pouts the tougher his conscience gets. Almost like a defense mechanism?”
Of course it’s possible, but not by blaming, accusing, and pouting. What little bit of guilt may rise up from those tactics; he disposes quickly of it as either irrelevant or forgettable in the grand scheme of life and resents the finger pointer.
The sexes are very different in both the imposing and handling of guilt. Men feel guilty when it’s their independent conclusion. Not being capable of carrying guilt as well as women, they find a quick way to either compensate and feel good about themselves or forget it and feel somewhat less good but still tolerable about themselves.
A woman’s indirectness, seed planting, and patience can induce guilt in a man. But for what reason? Guilt in a man produces the opposite of what a woman wants. Consequently, a woman using blame and accusations twice torpedoes her primary interests. He both rejects her opinions and loses respect for her being so disrespectful of him. As his respect fades from her repeated attempts, so does his love.
I Have made the mistake of accusing, pouting, silent treatment – you name it! How can one accomplish matrimony harmony when a relationship is almost close to been dysfunctional? I fight for time, communication, monogamy, etc. It seems that talking doesn’t move the needle. How can one get the message across that something is not working towards the expectations. A normal trend is for me to get blamed for everything that happens , so he doesn’t deal with the issue.
Your Highness Lost in Translation!
I suggest you consider what these phrases cause for your relationship: “I fight for time” and “talking doesn’t move the needle” and “how can one get the message across?” You sound more competitive than cooperative, more demanding than flexible to hubby.
I detect your attitude of gratitude is at rock bottom, so I suggest you change your behavior to eliminate those thoughts/tactics above. Find ways and things that make you more grateful especially about what and who your husband is in both the world and your life.
Guy
Mr. Guy,
You nailed it, my attitude of gratitude has plummeted – my relationship is at a very low and I can’t seem how to move forward. The harder I try ( maybe not the correct way) the harder it gets. I’m plagued by the need to talk and fix the problem, where he doesn’t. Although, he says he does whenever I bring up an issue, it gets worse.
Your Highness Lost in Translation,
You sound desperate, so look to do something extraordinarily different that doesn’t involve him. I suggest that you quit thinking about all the negatives you cite. Since humans can’t just not think about something, you must replace the negatives with positives of a different nature. For example, when the first thought enters your mind, quickly and assertively override it with the second. It takes practice, and private time in front of a mirror speaking only the second phrases out loud will help you immensely.
1. Replace “my relationship is at a very low [level]” with “I’m so grateful to be married and not suffering the anguish of single life.”
2. Replace “I can’t seem [to find out] how to move forward” with “We’ve come so far from where we started. Thank you, Lord.”
3. Replace “The harder I try” with “I’m so blessed with the talent to provide my husband a happy home.”
4. Replace “the harder it gets” with “My education, experience, and well-meant intentions prepare me very well to make life easier for both of us.”
5. Replace “I’m plagued by the need to talk and fix the problem” with “I’m infinitely flexible to use self-talk to ease me through seemingly insurmountable problems. In the final analysis, I have all it takes to smooth rough spots into fun spots.”
6. Replace “where he doesn’t [want to talk and fix the problem]” with “I still possess great feminine charm and devotion to our marriage, and I can make him more grateful for me than either of us ever imagined.”
7. Replace “whenever I bring up an issue, [the problem] gets worse” with “We will always have problems, but I have learned how to reduce them to be virtually unnoticeable to both of us. What we learn to ignore soon fades away.”
Rephrase your negative thoughts as positive strengths and your gratitude will grow for your abilities, his roles, and your relationship’s future.
Guy
Mr. Guy,
Thank you so much!! I have never heard something so pisitive! Would you use the same method if a wife and husband are recovering from an affair (which I’ve read this series and has helped a lot)? I believe must of the issues I have come from here, I’ve made many mistakes – obviously post reading your advise. As you say recovery is everything. I need to recover from all of it (fighting, nagging, blaming, asking him to stop)! Shamefully.
Your Highness Lost in Translation,
Yes, don’t guilt a man regardless of how supremely awful he has conducted himself. If he doesn’t discover his own guilt, it will never arise. If you lay some on him, he will resent you even more than he already does from having discovered his affair. In a man’s mind, rejection and refusal to accept guilt precede resentment.
Guy