This series describes the male and female natures from which I figure out the origins, interactions, and conclusions described in the blog. This is the second of eight primal urges from the give-and-take balance of which marital compatibility arises.
Her drive to nest, nurture, and nestle with loved ones versus his need of a place to rest, recover, and prepare for tomorrow.
A man has one primal need, namely a place to flop, eat, throw his things, and prepare for tomorrow’s battles with extra emphasis on the last. It takes little to satisfy this need. Whatever his growing up, he learned how to find, provide, and value it.
Women pursue one primal urge. They are driven to nest, nurture, and nestle with loved ones. Mother-love amplifies the drive exponentially and easily outweighs a mother’s other natural urges.
Simplified, marital compatibility arises from the balance of this: She needs to nest, and he needs to rest. It immediately brings to mind the claim that wives’ work is never done, while husbands lay around doing nothing. The claim when too easily concluded and defended by wives, however, poisons compatibility with jealousy, envy, and other negative pressures. Such wives ignore the value of how God designs, Nature endows, and hormones energize men and women differently.
Women have one mission in life, which is to live a life good for her and her offspring. Her mission is never completed, and she always sees more that needs to be done. Her natural conscientiousness pushes her to nest, nurture, and nestle with loved ones all day and into the evening. She demonstrates her love with direct actions caring for others, and reinforces her love with never-ending support activity. She does it for many hours every day simply because her nature pushes her that way. Something else always needs doing. Unless she rejects it, she daily pursues what makes her feel good about herself nesting, nurturing, and nestling.
Men have many missions throughout both the day and life. The distinctly different character of those missions pushes men to prepare for the next one by resting in between. In effect, each new day is a new mission crammed with leftover and uncompleted missions waiting to be tackled tomorrow. Recovery and preparation require ‘dead time’, the kind that particularly irritates wives whose nature keeps them in ‘never stop or quit’ mode.
Thus, marital compatibility arises out of the balance of wife’s drive to nest and husband’s need to rest. Primal drive pushes her, but need outranks drive when push comes to shove in the dominance arena.
QUIZ: Which mate has the greater need for the other on the differences just described? If one has the greater need, who has the greater worth? If one’s worth is greater, should the other’s gratitude match it?
Part 4 posts tomorrow with her want of mate versus his want of freedom.
Wives have a greater need for husbands. However, I don’t believe she should let him know this outright. He is of greater worth because her present and future nesting, nurturing and nestling depends on him being in her life. He can rest and recover with or without her. His worth being greater should encourage wives to have extreme gratitude. Being a wife I can say that the more my gratitude grows the more inspired my husband is to provide a better future for me. This covers not only financial provision but relationally also. Gratefulness is like fuel for his engine.
Q: Which mate has the greater need for the other on the differences just described?
A: Men have the greater need for women.
Q: If one has the greater need, who has the greater worth?
A: On these differences, women.
Q: If one’s worth is greater, should the other’s gratitude match it?
A: Yes.
Your Highness Catherine,
I love it when pretty women make this blog clearer and more meaningful.
Guy
P.S. I responded before I read closely enough. Her Highness Anne points out nearby that your first answer needs clarification. I agree. I read into your answers what I expected to see, which is the opposite of what I now read.
Also, if the first is wrong, so is the second from my viewpoint. I suspect we were both moving/reading too rapidly this morning. I have no excuse; I just made a mistake.
Guy
Catherine, I am curious about your suggestion that men have the greater need for women. I would have thought the opposite, so I’m curious what you’re thinking here…
Your Highness Anne,
I love it when pretty women catch my mistakes before too many readers see it. Thanks, although Catherine may have a very good answer different from what you and I conclude.
Guy
Dear Sir Guy and Your Highness Anne,
I regret causing confusion. I based my answer on need vs. drive. A man’s need for his place to recover ranks above a woman’s drive to nest. If a woman provides a good recovery experience for her man, her worth increases. Appreciation would come from her man (wives hope!) for maintaining a castle that prioritizes his recovery.
Your Highness Catherine,
You caused no confusion but gave us another way of examining the situation.
In a conscious examination of psychological need vs. drive, need is obviously more important than drive. The one driven should yield to the one in need.
However, in terms of winning marital compatibility, the one most deserving to have need fulfilled (husband) yields to a wife who knows how to compensate for his ‘sacrifice’. Most men prove that it works by being unparticular about their support as long as living conditions aren’t disappointing, husband isn’t disappointed, and wife seems to be rewarding husband with gratitude and respect.
Guy
That’s an interesting take! But if a woman simply desires nesting/nurturing and they aren’t needs, I would think she could be as happy as a clam (or as a man!) in single “freedom.” Instead, that “freedom” seems to cause anxiety and even depression (at least when single past 25 or 30, with few prospects, etc.) instead of the exhilaration it might for men. Just wondering out loud if the nest/nurture piece might be a real need; one women CAN live without, but would be happier fulfilling.
Your Highness Anne,
You can stop wondering. The post describes women as having a primal urge that drives them to nest, etc. They can live without it under the pressures they undergo in life, but they would be much happier fulfilling it as most women acknowledge in middle age if not sooner.
Guy
P.S. ~ I like the concept of maintaining a castle that prioritizes husband’s recovery, Catherine! I will have to ponder what form that should/will take in our home, but I plan to think and then update accordingly.
Thank you for the inspiration. 
Sir Guy,
You brilliantly structured and completed the ideas I tinkered with while absorbing this article. You are awesome.
P.S. You also added new dimensions of awesomeness to my thoughts.
“…being unparticular about their support”, perhaps a.k.a. respect for his woman’s drive (?), seems like a much greater ‘reward’ than, “Thanks, Honey”.
What would you say of a man who displays little desire to rest? (Exemplified in bringing work home, picking up additional jobs where there is no financial “need” to do so, etc.) Perhaps the tendency borders on “workaholic.” Is there a deficiency in the home which make it un-conducive to his rest? Is it simply that some men need less rest than others? Something else? While I certainly can identify with the need and desire to nest-nurture-nestle, I don’t see my husband rest much (except for the 7 or 8 hours he sleeps each night). Could you comment on this, Sir Guy?
Your Highness Anne,
The possibilities are myriad. It so happens that tomorrow’s post describes how the males’ prime motivator works to fulfill his need for self-admiration, which depends on his personal accomplishments but can be enhanced by the admiration of others. I suggest you figure out how he fits into the model I describe. Then, we can perhaps understand better the source of your problem—not necessarily his but yours.
Guy
I look forward to reading tomorrow’s post and discovering the source of my problem! I like it when its my problem… those are the kind I can *fix*!!