1676. Marital Compatibility Starts with Sex Differences — Part 6

Posted on consecutive days, this series compares eight primal urges that require the give-and-take balance so essential for compatibility.

Her need of self-importance versus his need of self-admiration.

Certain natural and internal pressures make up the prime motivator of both sexes. Women are primarily motivated by the need of self-importance. Females are born with their life’s mission imprinted in their hardheadedness and softheartedness. Unlike men, they have but one mission, to live a good life. Ambitions continually spur them to improve upon it. They shine at relationship building and maintenance and improving the lives of themselves and others, and it tends to satisfy a woman’s need of self-importance.

However, they need another ingredient, feedback. Their sense of self-importance isn’t truly satisfied without confirmation by other people, especially those closest. (More about her self-importance can be found at post 1200.)

Men don’t need the feedback of others. They are born with the conviction they should prove their worth sufficiently well that it accumulates into significance. Both worth and significance are the products of accomplishing goals that satisfy the need of self-admiration, which incidentally is self-earned, self-defined, and self-rewarded.

Consequently, men have little need of a mate to confirm their worth or significance and self-admiration. They appreciate more a mate that finds other ways to admire them, which also makes the mate more easily respected and loved.

To prove their worth and claim significance, men continually go through a complex process of dreaming and developing ambitions with supporting missions and goals that are worthy of accomplishment. Each goal-accomplishment provides some self-admiration. A satisfied need no longer motivates. Following their accomplishments, new dreams and ambitions produce new missions and goals. The combination of accomplishments and fulfillment of self-admiration generates new possibilities, greater dreams, and stronger ambitions, which add to an already achieved sense of significance.  Thus, a man’s work is never done, although daily he rests from it.

You can see the process simplified by watching boys from toddlerhood to adult. They are all about trying something new, accomplishing it, and moving on to the next challenge that provokes their need to feel significant. They’re little men proving their worth to themselves and polishing up their motivational power to build significance. (More about the man’s need of self-admiration can be found at post 1199.)

You may have noted. Comparing this gender difference makes men complex and women simple. As a result, women frequently face this huge dilemma. They see themselves as the loser in the competition between their man’s love of job and love of her. Husbands abhor competitive wives. Not for disagreeing but for not recognizing and respecting their dominant role when they think she should.

Best defense against her dilemma is to eliminate the competition. Never let her heart and mind view his job as taking his time away from her. When she guilts him for time away from her, she claims herself to be more important. When push comes to shove, however, a wife loses her superior position as soon as she claims it over husband’s job. It’s husband’s equivalent of mother-love. He can find fault with his job, but she can’t.

I know. Easier said than done, but practice makes perfect. Consider these thoughts each time she finds herself wanting to guilt her man about his dedication to his job, whether at work or home. Improve compatibility with these thoughts:

• Should she equate her short-range ire with his long-range income? WWJD?
• How much does his job, other than time together, enable his devotion to her? WWJD?
• If his job is so much a part of him, why doesn’t she love it too? WWJD?
• Can’t she use her time missing him to develop gratitude for and admiration of him? (It provides tremendous female-think power when she stays focused on issues that enhance compatibility.) WWJD?
• A major sign of wifely respect is honor shown for the husband-job relationship. WWJD?
• She can’t comprehend how he and his job can be so intertwined, but she’s so grateful that he has everything else put together well enough for her and what she deserves. WWJD?

Remember, her best defense against her dilemma disconnects his job from herself. Develop the habit of thinking those thoughts when she becomes needful of his presence or takes issue with his work habits, and she will significantly improve her attitude, respect of husband, and marital compatibility.

QUIZ: If his job seems more important than she is, where does she turn first? Inward or outward toward him? Who carries guilt the easiest and best, when his job seems to threaten her view of their life together?

Part 7 posts tomorrow with their greatest fears.

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