1702. If He Talks Sex, She Talks Marriage

I know women are fearful they will drive a man away, and so they avoid what I am about to say. If he can talk about sex, she can talk about marriage. As he explores her views about sex, she explores his about marriage. If he won’t talk about marriage, why should she talk about sex? When they deal with a man, women should start early to tie sex and marriage together. If it scares him off, he’s not a good candidate for marriage, not good enough for her, or both.

When he mentions sex generally, she mentions marriage generally. When he gets specific, she gets specific. When he tries to point them toward bedtime together, she points their thinking toward her marital hopes and dreams. In principle, she’s as worthy of marriage as he is worthy of sex. Not worthy as a matter of equality but of fairness.

Women expect marriage someday, so why should they not seek to talk about it early. What are each man’s views of marriage? Not marriage with her but as subject of his life. Marriage as way of life, as something to shoot for, as vehicle in which to raise kids, as determinant of family values, as foundation for a woman taking care of a man’s castle, as environment to enjoy each other’s company, as him as provider/protector, as obligation to entertain each other, as foundation for his job and hobby, as way to father children, as way to live out one’s latter years. In short, what are his views and philosophy that could affect any woman’s hopes and dreams? Who will he be in the grand scheme of family life some years in the future? What promise does he hold for any woman?

Get his thoughts out in the open, and they make his future endeavors more reliable. His words program his subconscious mind for how he will perform in the husbanding role, e.g., promises to her. Or, he lies and guilt sears his conscience and disqualifies him for good husbanding.

Women think the subject of marriage to single men is like sunlight to Count Dracula, but it’s not entirely so. Male curiosity and imagination are easily fired up by discussion of challenges, so long as threats to a man are impersonal—as long as he perceives the escape hatch remains open. Both dating and courtship provide endless opportunity to match wits, and both subjects can be highlighted by a woman’s competitive effort to change the subject off sex.

Precisely because single men don’t want to talk about marriage, single women should force the issue and do it early and often. The more that women talk about it with a man, the more they acknowledge to themselves that marriage is important. The more easily they stay focused on their hopes and dreams, the more easily they defeat male pressure for premature sex.

Imagine for a moment that she faces a date or boyfriend that repeatedly puts pressure on her to talk about sex. She wants it to stop. She reminds herself of the following and finds a way to convey the spirit of it to him. Her ultimate asset is first time sex with him. Just once and it is gone. His ultimate asset is his sexual independence, which never goes away in his mind and must be tamed for his heart to devote himself to her or someone else. How and when does he envision a mutually compatible swap of ultimate assets? Who should yield first to the other? Better yet, how can both of them win? When he has a good answer, she can return to talking about sex, or so she tells him.

Even with men who don’t highly pressure a woman for sex, sooner or later hard-to-get women will face a man’s wanting to talk about sex. Countering with thoughts about marriage keeps her in charge until he changes the subject away from sex, or he changes her mind about what’s immediately more important.

About these ads