At post 146 Her Highness Kathy asked two questions. I respond to one today and the other tomorrow at 1708.
“Where are these guys you can date and be chaste with while dating?” Such guys are everywhere. Remaining chaste while dating is a woman’s choice. Getting a man to return for chaste dates is a function of what she does on dates, and specifically what he interprets as promise in her to meet his future needs, wants, companionship, and enjoyment. If he sees only sex as the promise she holds for him, he will depart sooner or later. Good riddance before she wastes time with another Mr. NotGoodEnough.
While remaining chaste, if she becomes a significant promise for him FOR OTHER THAN SEX, he comes back for dates, maybe courtship, and perhaps marriage. To encourage his laying aside sexual aspirations, she has to outwit him. I suggest that she be logical, rational, and up front, blunt, and candid about marriage. Post 1702 is the starting point for learning how to beat men at their sex-first game. See the CONTENTS page at blog top for other articles that supplement her interest.
Tomorrow’s post 1708 responds to your question about being called a prude and old fashioned.
Thanks this is Kathy! i expected just a quick reply and got a whole article! Cool! But you might be sorry cause I have lots of questions! How do you act on a date to not lead a man on or be a tease? I would really like the answer to that. You are supposed to dress attractively and act feminine but at what point are you teasing? What are some good behaviours for a date? (I am going on a 2nd date with a gentleman tomorrow!) What behaviours to avoid? Would love to hear a man’s viewpoint! Thanks again.
Your Highness Kathy,
How to act? Be yourself. Gently express your sincerity, both modest and feminine. You’re only teasing (‘pr*** teasing’ I presume) when you have sex on your mind, or dress as if you do, and try to pass the thoughts to him. Keep sex to yourself and refuse to let him get past the mention of it. If he tries, bring up marriage as described in post 1702 and drive his thoughts away from sex.
Read all the dating articles listed in the CONTENTS page at blog top.
What behaviors to avoid? None, except those that are phony, insincere, or reflective of sex as a possibility.
In view of your upcoming date, I will immediately publish tomorrow’s article about being called prude and old fashioned. It’s very relevant for you now, and I wish you well.
Guy
Thanks for the quick reply, Sir Guy! I am all ears!
Guy, I have a male neighbor, younger than me, that I have been friends with for years. We only became neighbors 6 months ago. He is always working on my car, hooking up my dvd player, working around my apartment, and refuses payment. We talk for hours and spend lots of time together. Last night we decided to go for a walk together. (wound up being a 2 hours walk!) . I am not sure if he is interested in me or not, and my female friends tell me, this is 2012, you go for it! And that is so not me, because I feel it is the man’s place to make the first move. But because of your advice, last night, when he asked me where we should walk, I just smiled and said, I will follow you! I never would have done that before! He straightened up and walked tallker and I did follow him! We have never even held hands and last night, as he walked me home, (as he always insists on doing), I wanted to hug him at the front door so bad, but just smiled and said good night. I dress modestly, and last night I asked him questions about himself and let him talk 70 percent of the time. I am so very attracted to him, but the younger part concerns me, and I am not sure of his attraction to me, although I do catch him staring, and he always asks if I need any help on my car, at home, etc. I do not want to be forward at all. He has never asked me on a formal date but like I said, we spend hours and hours together, watching ball games, talking, etc. I always let him do the inviting, and he is shy. Advice or thoughts, Please, Sir Guy, or anyone listening?
Your Highness Kathy,
Be patient. You have to wait on this guy, mostly because of the age diff. Don’t change a thing except to continue gently planting seeds about your admiration of his character and dependence on his pleasing you. He thinks you’re the greatest but he is unsure that he deserves you. He lacks courage to initiate deeper emotional connections for fear of losing you. Remember, you’re older and wiser, and he can’t quite comprehend how you could possibly have any deeper interest in him.
Continue as before. Give him time to mature under your admiration. His courage will likely grow. He will over time see your age gap closing. The bigger the gap, the longer it’ll take though.
By the way, have you cooked a meal or more for him for fixing the car and other chores? Be careful. If he thinks its an unearned gift, he won’t be able to accept it with the spirit you intend.
You might plant seeds about doing something else together. Innocent stuff, such as ‘Can we have fun going out somewhere sometime? You know, get an ice cream, visit a museum, maybe even take in a flick? I promise, no chick flick.”
I say again, be more patient than ever before if he’s worth the wait. His devotion already shines through, and a woman can ask for nothing more than that. It’s up to you to keep him that way until he sees a new way to view you.
Guy
Aww, this sounds sweet!
I would keep doing what you’re doing, if it were me. I’ll be interested to hear what Sir Guy has to say. Oh, and did I miss something? What’s “the younger part” that concerns you?
You said anyone listening..
My opinion is as follows, for what its worth. He is definitely intersted in you.. I agree with Guy, he is probably unsure of your reception of him because he is younger. If you want him to initiate a deeper relationship with you, then in addition to Guys suggestion to ask about doing something else with him, I would make sure you let him know you’re open to that, without saying a word or being forward at all.
Make eye contact whenever you smile. Eye contact is powerful with a man, either to show acceptance or rejection. You will notice that even when talking to other men, when a man is serious, frustrated, angry, etc. he will always look the other person right in the eyes, unless he is ashamed. Use it to your advantage, it will evoke a response in him, even if you dont see it.
Expect him to treat you like your dating, i.e. when you walk to a door, stop and wait for him to open it. If you expect him to act as you would on a date even when not on one, he will see quickly that your expectations of him have changed and he WILL live up to them and fulfill his role. I am not sure what your relationship in this manner is now, but if its the same way he would treat a sister he cares about, expect different.
Finally, an occassional light and totally innocent touch can make a difference. For example, put your hand out for him to help you out of a car, or down stairs, or a hill. Touch him on the arm once in a while when talking, like you would another woman you trust. Women don’t allow men to touch them without trust, you will let him know that you trust him and are not going to recoil if he hugs you.
Like Guy said.. patience.
Sir Esto Vir,
Well said. You touched a lot of good bases. I particularly like the one about touching. Women need touching, but men don’t. You’re right in that when a man is innocently touched by a woman, her trust is received so favorably that his courage rises and her favor rises in his eyes.
Guy
Guy, your advice sounds like you know the man! So right on and thanks, I have not got into trouble yet following your advice yet! Anne, thanks for your nice comment. And Esto Vir, you are not going to beleive this, but last night as we were watching the ball game on tv after walking, I did touch his arm a couple of times while talking, and I could not help but look at him and smile 4 or 5 times. I could not help it, as I enjoy his company so so much.I had not been doing that before, out of shyness or modesty or whatever you want to call it. And I did catch him looking at me a couple of times when he thought I wasn’t looking, and he did look right at me and smile, also, several times. He also asked if a guy that used to call me does still call me, and I told him no. He looked dissapointed when I left him at the door with no hug, and it killed me, too, but I am so trying to do the right thing because I really really care about him and don’t want to to blow this. My friend said to at least hug him, but I was so scared and nervous I couldn’t. So, Guy, and Esto, yes, I am going to make patience my mantra because this guy has such good character and morals, and is really one in a million, that I would wait however long it takes to be with him. We can talk about anything (except getting together, apparently!), and he accepts me as I am , as I do him. Sorry to carry on like a teenager, and Thanks again.
Thank you Sir Guy for your response on increasing my bookshelf. I have loaded up my cache with all of your suggestions. I wonder your thoughts on how to act around men in “shackup” relationships? Would you say in this new dating environment that they are candidates even in their situation? I know you advocate treating all men the same, so I guess nothing would change on the ladies part.
Lady Kaikou
Your Highness Lady Kaikou,
I suggest they be treated with far less respect than other men. They are suckering a sister female into playing the man’s game. Why should you respect them? Don’t explain, don’t complain, just have no appreciation for them and especially show no admiration for what they do living on the emotions of a sister female.
Guy