At post 146 Her Highness Kathy asked two questions. I responded to one earlier today as post 1707 and the other below.
“And of course they tell you that you are a prude and old fashioned. What is a gal to do and say to that?” Say, “Thanks for the delightful compliment.” You have him exactly where you need him. So, follow up with these seeds or something similar: “I admire your ability to recognize that I value myself according to what men value most—a faithful wife. However, I’m probably not good for much more than that anyway. I sense by your pressure for sex that you’ve little or no interest in a faithful wife at this time in your life. So, perhaps we should part, as soon as you take me home.”
In today’s social arena, wife-hopeful women have to make men find attractions that exceed genital worthiness. Sorry, but that’s life. Modern men largely pursue self-admiration via sexual encounters. They see little potential for self-admiration in marriage. By you using the words above, the following benefits accrue to your advantage and enable him to see potential for self-admiration while dating but also chasing you for sex. It’s up to you to enable his self-admiration to compound from being with you sans sex.
- Calling you prude and old fashioned is a bluff. You called, went all in, and most men will fold to keep from losing their pot and place at your table.
- Men marry as close to virginity as they can get. From your attitude and words above, your virtual virginity is automatically assumed, but the fight to prove it isn’t over. His future words of commitment to the contrary, he expects to eventually disprove your virtual virginity claims. It takes time, and he has to come back for dates, maybe courtship, and perhaps marriage.
- A man doesn’t marry until he perceives an extraordinary woman, a woman of significant importance in her own eyes, a special embodiment that appeals to and builds upon his sense of self-admiration, and one he’s confident will exemplify complete faithfulness to him.
- Your comments challenged him more than ever to conquer you for one reason. You set the competitive stage upon which he can earn self-admiration just trying to conquer you. If he doesn’t accept it as an invitation, he was only after sex to begin with. You’re just not worth his time and effort, since sex is unavailable. (That too is a bluff, because he doesn’t know what else to do.)
- That you can be a faithful wife will be of interest only after he concludes that if he can’t conquer you, then no one can.
- When he becomes convinced that you’re not sexually active, his respect for you goes up. His self-respect also goes up with thoughts of winning you either for sex or, hopefully for you, much more. Since his love emerges after respect for you is formed, the door opens for romantic love that holds much more promise of sexual pairing. With that foundation laid, you are in charge of doing all the things necessary to get him to the altar.
Men are logical and rational and think women are not. Men exploit female emotions, but they’re vulnerable in their natural strengths. When she challenges him in his supposed expertise, fear of losing to a woman pushes him to retreat from the subject of sex. He’ll depart, or he will wait for another opportunity and she has time to expose the promise she holds for him. Being seen as prude and old fashioned has huge benefits for women, if they just know how to capitalize.
One of my friends just got engaged to this really awesome guy! We hadn’t really talked in a while so we got together the other day and she was telling me all about how they met and started dating, and how he proposed.
She told me that when he first asked her out, she said yes (they had been friends for a while before) and she also said that she wasn’t one of those girls that just “orders a salad and pretends to be okay with it” and she also doesn’t kiss a guy on the first date even though girls are expected to. I obviously wasn’t there when she told him that, but I know there is no way she said it in a mean or aggressive tone. She is always smiling and happy and I’m sure she was no different when she told him that. He later told her that that was one of his favorite moments with her and when he knew how special she truly was. He also knew it from the first time he met her, but he said that her being so unashamed of her beliefs really caught his attention, in a good way.
I don’t really have a point with this, but I thought it was a really cute story that I wanted to share with all the readers of this blog.
Your Highness Brittany,
Thanks.
Pay attention, Ladies, to these phrases: “he knew how special she truly was.” and “her being so unashamed of her beliefs.” Both indicate the likelihood the man has the female-friendly character that makes for a reliable husband. Why? He valued her as a person more than for sex. Now, if he continues that way he will probably turn into Mr. GoodEnough.
Guy
Sir Guy,
First and foremost I would like to thank you wholeheartedly for your blog. I discovered it a couple of weeks ago, and the wisdom that you impart is so refreshing and incredibly illuminating. A true gem!
It is such a coincidence that your latest blog post should concern an issue that is heavily on my heart. I do hope you don’t mind if I share my experience.
Last night I had a date with a guy. I first met him on a dating site (I started using one to expose me to more men. As I am shy I don’t think I could approach men.) We had been out a couple of times before- we have a lot in common and I find him attractive. But last night, he started talking to me about what I wanted out of a relationship, and he was concerned that my beliefs may impede a prospect of the kind of relationship he wanted. I put I am a Christian on my profile. I am indeed, but I did not labour on this point at all. I was myself, had a great time and didn’t bring up faith. I just wanted to have a nice time in the company of someone I find intresting and to see how things went. I am not sure, but after my not explicitly encouraging a fully physical relationship, I think I have “scared him off”.
This has happened a number of times, Sir Guy. My confidence very delicate: I suffered from a lack of self-esteem and very negative self image. I am 22. Last year that I learnt that I am not ugly and undeserving of romantic happiness. Now I am trying to build confidence in my interaction with the opposite sex and I’m trying to love myself. Yet being rejected by men time after time because of not wanting to be easy/forward makes me feel so sad and brings back feelings of worthlessness/ugliness. Have you any advice Sir Guy?
Your Highness Londoner17,
Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.
Confidence comes from escaping discomfort on your own. Action cures fear, overcomes hesitancy, and improves a negative self-image. Higher self-image inflates or more accurately disguises low self-esteem. Achievement of what you plan to do for and by yourself inflates your self-love.
You’re young enough to determine your future. I suggest you go on the attack to prove to yourself that you’re more valuable than men recognize. Don’t promise yourself to be anything to guys but unashamedly present yourself as a person to be loved if a man wants to pay your price.
Why let someone else determine how you feel about yourself, especially a man unwilling to please who rather than what you are? In the end, how you feel about yourself is determined by yourself. You don’t need outsiders to help in doing so. You and Christ know who and how valuable you are.
You can’t not feel worthless and ugly. You have to shape your life around something else, so why not generate feelings of great worth and prettiness. See blog articles in the CONTENTS page with HardToGet in the title plus those posts mentioned in articles 1440 and 1441.
Now, I know you expect advice on what to do, some simple instructions, rules, etcetera. Only you can develop them for yourself. Otherwise you appear phony and end up untrue to yourself. You have to figure out how to live your life all by yourself. Let the first three paragraphs above guide you. Get going with this direct action: Start now!
Guy
Have you thought of a Christian dating site? Not sure, but you may encounter more like-minded men there. Especially if you put something on your profile about “only serious Christian men need apply” or somesuch. Sir Guy wrote many wonderful articles about online dating awhile back, and they are readily available in the “contents” section. As a final word, I met my very upright and honorable husband through a Christian dating site.
Hold out for a gentleman. And be proud that the ungentlemanly would rather not date you: they testify to your lady-like-ness and grace. 
P.S. for Londoner 17:
There are 11 articles on the blog titled “Advertising Online for Dates…” in case you start taking action to escape the emotional doldrums.
Guy
Thank you, Anne
I have recently been trying to tap into my “lady-likeness” (enouraged by reading this blog!) and it is encouraging to hear you say that my experience doesn’t take anything away from my feminity.
I haven’t tried a Christian dating site, I am may do in the future. At the moment I think I may give online dating a break. I’m feeling rather fragile and I don’t know if I’m ready for it.
Thanks again for your kind advice!
Sir Guy,
(Apologies for my change of username- I am Londoner17. I haven’t logged onto wordpress for ages, so I updated my display name!)
Thank you for your detailed and very kind response. I cried tears of joy, pain and realization as I read it. You are completely correct. Life is full of choices, and I choose not to look to men who are not meant for me for self validation. Your advice is a real blessing. I choose to take action! I have read your brilliant recommended posts. I also took note of your online dating posts.
Thanks again! Your words have helped turn a day of pain to a day of great joy.
Yasmin
Londoner,
I read your post and wondered how I would respond to my own daughter.. Your comment: “Now I am trying to build confidence in my interaction with the opposite sex and I’m trying to love myself.” really struck a cord with me.
I have a rather blunt relationship with her, so I hope you don’t mind if I am somewhat blunt with you.
You said that you are trying to love yourself.. you cannot give what you do not have, that being said, I believe 90% of love is a choice, not a feeling, its a committment and respect, whether with yourself or someone else. If you don’t feel loveable, then you probably arent. Sit down and list what you think would make you loveable or worthy of love and see how you measure up, if needed, make changes, if not then it will serve as an excecise to see what you have to offer “on paper”.
Second, understand that to this guy, you haven’t dated enough for it to be personal to him, he is acting on his “primal” desires, not a deep relationship with you. So likewise, until he has proven himself, dont take his approval or rejection personally or as a reflection of you, and don’t look outside of yourself or God for approval, its dangerous in many ways.
Hi Esto Vir,
Thank you for your words of advice and for getting straight to the point. I am thankful that you talk to me as you would talk to your daughter.
I completely agree with what you said. I think part of the problem was that I took men’s actions towards me personally and saw it as a direct correlation to my self worth, which of course is wrong and very hurtful.
I will follow your advice and make that list.
God Bless,
Yasmin
Your Highness Yasmin,
Sir Esto Vir makes much sense and a particularly excellent point with this: “you haven’t dated enough for it to be personal to him, he is acting on his “primal” desires, not a deep relationship with you.”
If he doesn’t know you well, you should feel bad FOR HIM. With conquest uppermost in his mind, he didn’t take the time to learn who you truly are. Your attractiveness only says “come here” to a man. Your character, likeability, and promise for his future keep him coming back for more of you as a person. Its his misfortune, but his single-minedness closes his mind to what he really needs. Not much you can do about it either, except by learning to outwit men when they start trying to play the sex game that leads to conquest.
Guy
Dear Sir Guy,
Thank you for your advice- I am grateful! I can either look at my experience as negative or as something empowering and part of a learning curve. You are right- I feel sorry for him that he couldn’t be more patient, but I will use this experience as a testament to my femininity.
I will try to be brave and smart about outwitting men in their conquest.
Bless you, Sir Guy!
Yasmin
Hi,
I’ve been thinking about a comment that you made several weeks back, something like, “important people do not rush; they take their time” (not sure if this is verbatim). I would like to request some advise with regard to making wise professional choices. It seems at various time, I have been ‘pushed’ into various jobs at different times by men (bosses) when I wasn’t ready. In retrospect, I think that some of the things that you have discussed here on personal levels (which have been very useful) has frequently been employed in the workplace. In the past, I have been manipulated by male bosses into accepting jobs that I could do but afterward realize that I didn’t really want to do or wanted to do in my time frame. The reality is that men are still better at understanding workplace games–having been doing them countlessly longer than women Can you give some advise here? Also, do you have some advise regarding negotiating more money. I just took a job and agreed to readily to the dollar figure that was quoted to me. I will be glad to do my due dilligence to try to get more; however, I need a little help.
I realize that this topic may be a bit off the beaten trail for your ‘cruise’; however I believe there are many ladies out there who would really like an excursion, even if ever so brief, to the ‘island’ of dealing with professional male dominance, confusing manipulation tactic and the jungle of negotiating more money in the workplace. I realize it begins with respect; but how does one literally address these topics; especially if you are thrown off guard. Thanks…all hands on deck:)
Concetta
Your Highness Concetta,
True, your questions are “off cruise.” They also require more time than now available. If I can come up with something of value for you, it will appear in a day or three.
Guy
Thank you. I believe this will be a popular excursion. I believe it will be very valuable for nearly all readers: relationships with men can sometimes be a choice, but the majority of women have to work outside the home–and properly maneuvering on such a battleground is critical to not only our own financial improvement but, frequently, to a woman’s over family situation as well. Thanks again:)
Rather the majority of women CHOOSE to work outside the home because they believe it is “critical” to their own “financial improvement”, which tends to be more valued by the majority of women than their “family situation” (raising well-adjusted children of good character, caring for their husband, spending quality time) in this day and age. “Maneuvering on such a battleground” is hard because unappealing consequences follow from the priorities that most women choose to have. If women valued and respected men more for who they are and what they do, FAR fewer women would “have” to work outside the home.
Melissa,
I think you are being harsh here. Many women are simply single women who have to support themselves. Others have to because they have sick or out of work spouses…even back in the old days, women worked until they married and had kids and stayed home or were ‘career’ ladies…nonetheless regardless of the circumstances, one still needs to know how to maneuver in the work world–respect is a two way street–in order to garner respect in an unfamiliar or hostile environment, one needs to understand how to play the game.
Concetta
Regarding women who work outside the home: i’ve heard from one man that “she gets two jobs and he gets two paychecks”. Women in the past worked until they had their first baby, etc. and many women have to do the career AND the child/household duties; men do it and help but they dont have ‘breasts’ etc
Long time, Sir Guy! I’ve been lurking in the shadows, but want to reextend my thanks for your commitment to this blog and uplifting women to a respectable platform. I borrowed Wendy Shalit (sp?) Books on Modesty from the library and will be diving in tonight. If you have time I would love to know other books that sink with you platform. I wonder if that would be a post to the delight of other ladies? Either your handsomeness shines on every daily article published and I am thankful to have found you on my path in life.
Lady Kaikou
Your Highness Lady Kaikou,
You might also venture into these books that I found worthy of attention:
+ The Birth Order Book by Dr. Kevin Leman
+ The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger
+ What Our Mothers Didn’t Tell Us by Danielle Crittenden
+ Overcoming Anxiety & Depression by Bob Phillips
+ 7 Things He’ll Never Tell You by Dr. Kevin Leman
+ Men and Marriage by George Gilder
Guy