“It was when I didn’t take the backseat and let things happen that my relationships fell to pieces. Think about it, when you try to force [a man] it never turns out the way you want.” [KP at 1434]
“’Pretty time’ has not stuck with me because I was not doing it for myself but for others, and since I did not get the result I was expecting I did not put any more effort into it. Pretty time is self-respect and love for myself above all others, which is the only way it can stick because it comes from within. It’s not a veneer.” [Ettisen at 1143]
“In my opinion, kids should be allowed to be kids and they have to fall sometimes or get hurt to learn how to pick themselves back up.” [Brittany at 1380]
“No competition in the home, because men win sooner or later if they’re forced into competitive mode with their women. Spouses and partners should be a team and not competitors.” [Miss A at 1386]
“Every Mr. Romantic I knew, prior to meeting my husband, eventually revealed himself to be ‘high maintenance’ and more concerned about his own self- interest than he was ever interested in really pleasing me in any way. He used romance to dull my attention to his short-comings as a potential forever husband and father).” [Ramona at 1461, emphasis added]
“Then a few hours later, [my mother] said to me when we were alone: That boy is not afraid of me. If he really loved you, he should be a little afraid of me.” Joanna at 1464]
Guy, something happened today, and I think I’m really, finally starting to understand what you’re teaching us.
There’s a single man at my church that I’ve been developing an interest in. He always invites me to parties- but there are lots of other single gals at his parties. He is very active in the church, and there’s a lot of women in the small group he leads.
He’s flirtatious with me and sort of possessive- he’ll interrupt other men from flirting with me and that sort of thing. This sort of behaviour made me think that he liked me and wanted to (possibly) date me.
But I realised that whenever there are other single, pretty women around, he’s a lot more distant. Plus, these women often seem a bit confused or hurt if he’s not paying attention to
them- as though they were expecting him to
notice them. And the one time that we wound
up sitting next to eachother at church, he was
really fidgety and uncomfortable and left as
soon as he could. I didn’t understand why at
the time.
But i suddenly realised what’s going on here. He’s trying to mark me as his, without being marked as mine.
He wants to “own” my attention without having to give up his freedom. The attention from women makes him feel good. It has very little to do with me. He’s a womanizer, even if he isn’t having sex with those other women.
Before I really started to take WWNH to heart, I would have felt flattered by his attention, sure that he wanted to be with me, and I would have felt like I was in competition with those other women- like I was scoring a point every time one of them seemed upset (I’m ashamed to admit that, but it’s true). I would have thought they were uppity bitches for assuming that he liked them when he “obviously likes me”. I would have started daydreaming about him and pining and swooning over him and fallen in love and gotten a broken heart. I would have looked for a million ways to prove that he’s right for me, that he’s good enough… and he hasn’t even asked me out on a date. In fact, I WAS doing all of those things before it hit me.
Him being posessive and flirty doesn’t mean anything or prove anything except that he’d sleep with me! He hasn’t done anything to deserve my heart. He’s not allowed to touch it!
I might not marry this guy. I don’t have to figure out a million ways to try to keep him around long enough to drag him to the alter because he’s probably not worth it. He’s entitled to his chance, like any decent guy, but I don’t have to pick him just because I like the attention! I don’t have to fall in love with him just because he flirts with me, and I don’t have to prove that I deserve to be with him. And if he decides he does want a chance to be with me, he can either spend our first date sitting next to me in church without shame, or he can find someone else… and I’m ok with either! I won’t be upset if he can’t handle that, because he’s not The One, he’s just some guy! It has nothing to do with me! It isn’t personal!
I’m sorry to write such a long post about something so small, but I’m just so… happy. I know that sounds crazy but I almost feel… free. I can’t thank you enough, Guy.
Hi D!
I just want to say that you described perfectly the “anguish” that woman put themselves through in situations that were never “right”. The guy you described could easily be the twin (via his actions) of a guy I convinced myself that I liked (I thought his possessive inaction meant something) for almost a year. A year later he is still the SAME. Yes, let the situation go. I have a new saying: “My husband will never be afraid to speak to me/met me”.
Lady Kaikou
i absolutely love this blog. i love it even more when the light shines on another fellow woman. i have had a wonderful time sending guys back on the parade of passing men (thanks to Sir Guy’s guidance and counsel) and finally chose one and i am happy. really, really happy. no. ecstatic. he treats me like a queen (even after a year of dating him). all thanks to the wisdom found here.
my advice… live by this mantra, “the one most fearful of losing the other will yield. if you treat him as expendable, he reads it as if he’s about to lose you. if you are worth it he’ll stay. if you are not, he’ll depart. either way, you win.” (stolen from Sir Guy’s archives)
D, I love your logic. Mr. “wonderful” should be so lucky to have you to himself! You keep on valuing yourself and thinking like that! I wish that I had been as smart as you when younger!
Your Highness Katig7,
Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.
Guy
This is wonderful! Thank you so much for sharing. You have definitely stepped into a new zone and your new attitude will help you in every way! I’m so glad for you and thanks again to Sir Guy for brightening our lives.
After thinking over this some more, it’s suddenly occuring to me that I should be careful to protect my reputation. Sometimes this guy offers me rides home late at night. Is it safe (reputation-wise) to accept? More generally, would you consider doing a post on how women can best care for and protect our reputations?
Your wisdom is always appreciated,
D.
Your Highness D,
Reputation isn’t nearly as critical as it once was. However, that said, expect that some women will always be willing to criticize you without evidence of whatever you do.
Your best defense lies within your own mind and heart. Trust your judgment and always do the right thing as you see the right thing. Damn the torpedoes that suspicious and hurtful women hurl at you. You’re right with yourself and your God, and that’s enough for God and should be enough for you.
Guy
Thank you D for sharing. Its a great reminder of me before WWNH and after. Its great hearing from another woman on Sir Guy’s teaching and very encouraging to me personally to keep doing the right thing. God bless.