I base the following on the nature of men and women without considering values, beliefs, and expectations that make the relationship game strictly personal.
Women sense a need for relationship management— of getting their husband directly involved—when their sense of importance slips or the sense they are loved fades. Wives have bought into the concept even though indirectness works much better for getting what women want out of men.
First, women expect men to directly help restore relationship harmony, but men can’t do it. They’re simply unable; they lack the skills, willingness, or both. Additionally, facing his wife with management on her mind, a husband senses that she expects him to change, which emboldens his natural resistance to let anyone change him. He’s his own man and not about to change, so she can forget expecting anything different out of him.
Second, wives expect to find and develop some kind of new or different behaviors to which each spouse will mutually agree. However, that expectation takes the woman’s mind off the only thing that works to restore harmony. Or, perhaps she just forgets it.
Relationship harmony arises out of a wife’s self-love and strong sense of self-importance. It’s a closed loop that works this way. Self-love gives her the ability to love. Her sense of self-importance energizes her to seek confirmation, so she makes herself important to husband and expects his love in return. Husband shows love for her, which both confirms and reinforces her self-importance, which then confirms and reinforces her self-love. Lose her importance and she’s loved less. Become more important and she’s loved more.
The road to wife being loved more to her liking begins with self-love. Daily enhancement of her prettiness (as suggested in daily article 1440) enhances self-love immensely. Strong satisfaction with her sense of self-love also improves her self-importance and vice versa.
In the final analysis, the more a woman loves, the more important she becomes to others and more likely she will be loved. Thus, wife’s ability and willingness to make herself important to her husband—governed by social and moral propriety to discourage masculine excesses—is her greatest strength. When she uses it, ‘relationship management’ doesn’t come to mind as potential solution to her problem, the inclination to blame husband fades away, and she more easily promotes harmony in the home.
(NOTE: Modern unmarried women feel that sexual availability makes them important for more than sex. After many years, they eventually learn that unmarried sex provides neither and even takes away much of both self-love and self-importance.)
Mr. Guy,
Very interesting article about relationship mgmt. My question about this topic – why are there so many advises for couples to openly discuss issues to share their emotions etc. These advices help women but actually does not help the man and in turn the relationship stays stagnant… Same issue over and over. At what point does a women or men have a conversation about problems… My hubby usually says ” I can’t read your mind, you gotta tell me what’s going on”. However, when I do this the opposite occurs- perhaps my approach is too direct….
My second question – unrelated to this article – when a wife has a suspicion about an affair – what could be the most effective way to address it? Or should it not be address?
Thanks much!
Your Highness Princess,
Two reasons exist for so much advising of couples to discuss issues. Women ask for it, and advisors can earn money providing it. It doesn’t help the husband because advisors propose actions based on their own self-interest and values without having a clear picture of husband’s or wife’s self-interest, their mutual interest, and their underlying values, beliefs, and expectations. Advisors have plenty theories about current customs and social behaviors, but they know virtually nothing about the people they advise. They figure out what’s acceptable and promote good intentions, but listening couples gain little. In the end, people have to figure things out for themselves.
At what point do you talk about problems? Why do you even feel compelled to do it? With your natural female skills, you don’t need to. Also, directness doesn’t work with men, so why waste effort except to tick him off? You possess all the relationship expertise and he has none. Indirectness and seed-planting work far better, but you may have to improve your expertise for it. That’s what this blog is all about, helping women figure out solutions to their problems.
You may not like the most effective way to address your suspicion of his cheating. Unless you already know he’s a bum and you made a mistake marrying him, take these steps:
• Don’t confirm your suspicion. Let it smolder in your heart until he senses something is wrong. Then, don’t complain, don’t explain, and don’t blame. Let your discomfort linger in his thoughts. If he’s doing you wrong, you’re helped only when it eats away at his insides, his conscience and manliness.
• Unless he’s a scumbag you want to be rid of, figure that you caused his potential to wander. As soon as you lay any blame in his direction, he goes on defense with every intention to win the war regardless of how uncomfortable the battles may become. If you guilt him, he wants to get away from you. If he guilts himself, he has a much stronger reason to be loyal to you. (The other woman has sex to offer; you have much more unless you’ve forgotten how to deliver it.)
• Figure out how you have been turning him away from you. Re-evaluate your attractiveness, habits of dress and grooming, and attitude. Do those things generate a comfortable home and likeable you? How different are you from the doll he married? (I suggest more ‘pretty time’ as described in posts 1440 and 1441 and those mentioned therein.)
Figure out what you should do for yourself, by yourself, and with only yourself. It will take much time, but marriage is all about prolonging life together. If you can’t make the home livable and loveable with a smoldering problem, how can you keep it restored after you fix the current problem?
Guy
Isn’t it scary how much the literature out there promotes talking it through, Princess?! Amazing. I am very interested in Guy’s answer to your question, too, though. I have really practiced saying less in my marriage (with fabulous results!) but there are still times when my husband approaches to ask what’s wrong and says I need to *tell* him, since he can’t just decode the vibes! I have a hard time switching gears from “be quiet / indirect” to “okay, now time to talk / be direct!” I would love to know when and how women can do this best. I feel a starting point is waiting until the MAN *invites* the conversation… but then what?! Proceed as I would have done in the past when misguided by feminist notions that my husband ought to get in touch with his sensitive side and listen to me unload and cry/complain as I wanted/needed?? I’m guessing the answer is “no” but would love to hear the “whys” and “hows” from you, Sir Guy!
Your Highness Anne,
You’ve got everything pretty much under good control. So let me help you shine the next time.
Yes, wait until he ‘invites’ the conversation, but then turn it around. Don’t kill the subject, but don’t talk about it either. Defuse his directness by returning to indirectness. It smothers blame before it appears. His mention is enough to signal he knows something’s wrong, but the more he figures it out the better. So shift to what, how, and why you admire him. (Caution: Don’t use the word sensitive. Men don’t want to be called or seen as sensitive. Instead, use instinctive, uncommonly masculine, or ‘so eager to please me’.)
Incidentally, your crying is best when he doesn’t know why. If he knows why, he suspects that it’s purposeful or manipulative and it impacts him as laying guilt on him. Men reject a woman for that.
Guy
I have an uncle who (we recently found out) has been overdrinking for some time. It is a shock to me, since from the vantage point of a niece I always saw my aunt (this uncle’s wife) as a lady par excellence: beautiful, thin, classy, well-mannered, respectful, soft-spoken, lovely, and with great poise. Honestly, she is everything I hope to be as a lady. Yet now I realize their marriage is on the rocks due to alcohol that he has been indulging (against her wishes) for some time now. I am shocked and also worried. If *she* can’t keep her marriage together, where is the hope for me?! Admittedly, there are many things I don’t know, I’m sure. And I do know this uncle was under tremendous pressure at work & also was very competitve by nature. Still, though, I would have thought he’d have respected his wife enough to honor her wishes about drink. They are both Christians. Why do these things happen to “the best” (by which I mean, even women who *do* have a strong sense of importance)? Is there something else we should know/do?
Your Highness Anne,
First, let me spotlight two red flags. You say, “(against her wishes).” I conclude that she made many efforts to talk him out of his drinking problem. If so, it didn’t work because men don’t respond as she expected. Also, you say, “he’d have respected his wife enough to honor her wishes about drink.” Respect undergirds a man’s love, but he can lose the love even before the respect. So, you may be looking for what ain’t there. More likely in your case, however, his job is the cause.
You ask, “Is there something else we should know/do?” Yes, understand men better. You mentioned he’s under tremendous pressure at work. Well, wives can provide no help. If he’s taken to drink, it likely happened this way. His intelligence, imagination, diligence, and expectations are far higher than he’s empowered to use them. In his mind, he’s more highly qualified that he’s treated. Consequently, his image of himself as an effective employee is destroyed for doing his job, and he has no way to demonstrate his worth and earn self-admiration. In fact, his ability to satisfy his self-admiration is restored with drinks, and so it becomes habit.
Guy
EDITOR’S NOTE: I RESPOND IN CAPS TO your lower case questions.
GUY
Two questions – What you categorize as a bum? What happens to the man who is always on the hunt, who is happily married (per appearance) but is continually in search of excitement outside the home? YOU JUST DESCRIBED THE BUM OF ALL BUMS. HE NEITHER LIKES NOR RESPECTS HIMSELF AND THEREFORE CAN’T RESPECT ANYONE ELSE. HE TAKES IT OUT ON HIMSELF WITH FAUX SATISFACTION OF CONQUERING WOMEN TO DEMO HIS SELF-ALLEGED SUPERIORITY.
How can a wife every win this battle? SHE CAN’T. SHE’S MUCH BETTER OFF AND AHEAD OF THE MARITAL GAME WHEN SHE DOESN’T EVEN BATTLE WITH HER MAN. What would be the need for husband to stay married if wife is not top of mind: respected and valued. HE’D HAVE NO NEED AND, WORSE, HE’D HAVE NO INCENTIVES. Actions of infidelity show the opposite – which destroys how important she feels! ABSOLUTELY, WHICH IS WHY I PREACH THAT WOMEN MUST EARN AND HOLD A MAN’S RESPECT FIRST AND FOREMOST. IT’S EVEN MORE IMPORTANT THAN HER LOVE FOR HIM.
On female skills would you point out where is this blog one can learn about indirectness – perhaps handling issues with less talking and more action. TRY POST #909.
EDITOR’S NOTE: I RESPOND IN CAPS TO your questions in lower case.
Guy
Wow – this is a very raw truth… I know many women who find themselves in this situation but stay because of the hope for change. Would you go deeper on your comments-
1. She is much better off in the marital game when she doesn’t battle with her man. MEN WILL NOT COMPETE WITH A WOMAN THEY HAVE CONQUERED. THEY FEAR LOSING SO MUCH THEY WITHDRAW BEFORE OR ESCAPE FROM DISPUTES. MOREOVER, IT’S THEIR NATURE MORE THAN THEIR WOMAN.
2. He has no incentives to stay married… My quest. Why be? MEN DON’T NEED A PARTICULAR WOMAN. A MAN MARRIES FOR THE PROMISE HE SEES IN A WOMAN TO SUPPORT HIS ENDEAVORS AND HELP ADD COMFORT TO HIS LIFE, WHICH LATER MORPHS TO COMPANIONSHIP. IF HER PROMISE VAPORIZES IN HIS EYES, USEFUL THOUGH SHE MAY BE IN HER EYES, HE HAS LITTLE OR NO INCENTIVE TO REMAIN WITH HER.
3. The hunt never ends- lack of respect for himself – faux admiration from conquering… Does a man ever realizes that something is missing? Do some soul searching instead of hurting everyone in their lives? I SUGGEST YOU SEARCH THE CONTENTS PAGE WITH THE TERM ‘CHEATER’.
3. If wife has enough to confirm husband is a bum… What is next? Would the situation ever change? What can a women do in this situation? HUSBANDS ARE OFTEN BUMS AT SOMETHING. DOES THAT MEAN EXPENDABLE, RECOVERABLE, OR WIFE’S POISONOUS OPINION? I SUGGEST YOU SEARCH THE CONTENTS PAGE WITH THE TERM ‘DIVORCE’.
Thank you.
For questions-
1. My take is better not to fight him but to use feminine charm. Not recommending for the women to put up with it, but find alternatives. (very hard for us ladies).
3. I’ve read the series, however – no treat of divorce or full confirmation. Just indirect comments and suspicions. Need to know how to address it w/o causing too much strife. (not the first time it has happened).
Addressing the problem directly provides faux results for me… Temp. Fixes, I’m in search of long term – is this workable or he is just a bum.
Mr Guy,
In relation to relationship management, most of the advice you have given is to understand male nature and learn how to apply it in everyday life. As this topic talking to a husband usually creates more fire than peace. In the matters of resolving issues – why are man not capable of talking about issues that affect the relationship? Ex. Infidelity, trust, money etc. Every action is correlated to an issue deeper within for ex. The man who cheats (the cheating is the action of something inside of them, something they lack). But wife can’t ask that – so of those issues under layers are not discussed or spoken, how would husband know that their relationship needs work? Or do husbands know and decide to ignore it? They don’t have the ability we (women have to detect and repair) but at some point do couples talk about issues?
Your Highness Princess,
First, husbands and wives don’t see the same problems. Consequently, when any relationship management issue first comes up, specific things happen automatically and quickly. Without awareness, they immediately shift from the cooperation arena to the competition ring. As you call, it’s “more fire than peace.” Wife thinks offensively with these thoughts: Husband should listen to her and take seriously that he is expected to help resolve their issues. She uses this technique, but it isn’t enough; without speaking it initially or by accepting blame herself, she expects him to face up to the new responsibility she identifies for him to fix.
He gets defensive at the sound of round one in the competition ring. His immediate defensive reactions include these: He dislikes surprises. He dislikes himself for being caught off guard, whether true or not. As we all do, his next action is to make him feel good about himself. It causes an internal debate between his sense of guilt for having let the relationship go sour, if true as wife says, and his sense of independence that turns his wife’s well-intentioned inquiries into accusations. (He didn’t have to listen to sour and surprising complaints when he didn’t have a wife.)
You ask why men don’t talk about issues? (Infidelity, trust, money, etc.) They are producers, providers, protectors, and problem solvers. They focus on action. Talking isn’t their forte; that’s the way of women and heaven forbid a guy would initiate such a thing unless he’s asking for help.
You say, “how would husband know that their relationship needs work? Or do husbands know and decide to ignore it?” He doesn’t know, at least the way she sees it. If he marries her, in his mind the future is solidly problem free. He doesn’t intend to change, and he expects she will do whatever self-adjusting is required. IOW, he expects harmony without even trying very hard and dislikes disharmony for fear he might have caused it and for fear of losing any debate to his wife.
You say, “They don’t have the ability we women have to detect and repair but at some point do couples talk about issues?” Women force the issue. Men know they can’t win against someone who can pinpoint their every fault, real or imagined. After arguing to see how complete is wife’s picture of his faults, at some point they discontinue, retreat, and finally withdraw. No sense staying where a man can never win.
Remember, all of the above is built on the male nature. I described what’s behind the default setting of the male heart when the need for relationship management is brought up by wife.
Guy