1766. Sex Difference Redux — Part 20: Love III (w/ Kathy Petersen)


They Differ on Love

Part II cited the kinds of love and some natural motivational principles that both help and interfere with love, life, and everything else. We proceed with sex differences that determine many of love’s outcomes.

  • The need for self-admiration motivates men to finish what they start. The admiration of others adds to but doesn’t satisfy a man’s need. He’s oriented around the present. His need for self-admiration centers on earning it with his handiness, hardiness, hard work, and daily goals a.k.a. producing, providing, protecting, and problem solving. He daily earns satisfaction for his effort. He expects to rest and recover because a satisfied need no longer motivates.
  • The need for self-importance motivates women to do all that they do. With confirmation of a woman’s importance by others of importance to her, her need becomes fully satisfied. Just as with men, a satisfied need no longer motivates; however, a woman’s need of self-importance never becomes totally satisfied, because others of importance to her may not see it her way (she imagines). She’s continually prompted to do more and keeps working or busy throughout each day to shape her tomorrows. The brighter with the help of others she makes her future, the more important she is to herself.
  • Females are born with the ability to love someone else, and the expectation that they will be loved. The process of delivering their love raises the expectation that they deserve to be loved in return. But women have another self-serving blessing, if they use it. Born knowing they are pretty, their prettiness becomes an extra gift when they love a man, and women expect to be more deserving for it. (Unfortunately, modern wives find that what they deserve and what they receive don’t match. When they expect the intensity and excitement of their love to be matched by husband’s, they find disappointment. Men love differently and expect to see the pretty side of their wives’ attractiveness as ever present. Modern wives, however, don’t want to pay that price; they hide their prettiness behind curtains of unattractive, unappealing, but trouble-free apparel and grooming.)
  • Males are not born with the ability to love someone else; they gain the ability by learning to love themselves. This happens by accomplishing goals and achieving what they set out to do. They test their interests in toddlerhood, prove their ability en route to puberty, refine their efforts in adolescence, and reinforce their mastery in adulthood. (Boys who escape converting those endeavors into habits of success never learn to love themselves or others.)
  • The foundation of a man’s love is respect for the love object—whether woman, hobby, job, ideology, religion, or whatever—and the belief that he’s a better person to himself for associating with it.
  • To female eyes, women are loveable because they are pretty and deliver love, and men are loveable because they both enable and help make a woman feel important.
  • To male eyes, men are loveable because they are hardy, handy, and sexually proficient. Women are loveable because they are attractive, likeable, respectful, grateful, pleasant, modest, mysterious, respectable, and important for a man’s daily rest and recovery. They’re extra loveable too by being chaste for one man, sexually on call for him only, and highly admiring of his sexual performance.
  • Women love, believe in, and respect a man in that order. Men reverse the order. A man respects a woman for being different and unique in many ways, believes in the promise she holds for him, and loves the attractiveness, likeability, and comfort that comes when he associates with her. A woman loves a man because she has to love someone and she makes her mate the best available by convincing herself he’s the best as she grooms his persona from Mr. GoodEnough into Mr. Right. (Wives spend their married lives in that grooming process. Unfortunately, many see lack of progress as fault of their husband rather than their own inexperience and marital under-development. Instead of living with frustrated anger, self-induced pressure makes wife shift blame to husband and their marriage begins to crumble as she perceives him as less than the best for her.)
  • A man’s love is fueled by the intensity of his character, personality, and ambition. A woman’s love is fueled by the intensity of her dependency on her man. (However, if a woman’s goes too far and into desperation, his respect declines and love soon follows. A man won’t live long with a desperate woman; he doesn’t know how to ‘fix’ her problems, and men are self-pressured to depart when they face that dilemma.)
  • Boys primarily base relationships on respect and girls on love. Girls have the ability to love and easily demonstrate it until they figure they shouldn’t. Boys have the ability to respect someone and usually do it quietly until they figure they shouldn’t.
  • Boys sense they don’t deserve to be loved. Respected yes, but not loved. The sense intensifies proportionately as years pass after toddlerhood. Additionally, neither boys nor men appreciate unearned gifts. Thus, when females provide gifts or otherwise show their love which the boy or man feels he has not earned, he does not receive it as females expect and it often backfires on the giver. (It’s why a long courtship works so well; he spends so much time earning her hand that he senses he deserves her love. It’s also why boys are so easily spoiled by trying to buy good behavior with rewards; they know they’ve not earned whatever they’re given.)

As if a gravitational pull, the female nature keeps women well-grounded for loving. The male nature keeps men eager to start up and admire personal accomplishments.* She wants to be shown and hopefully showered with his affection. It’s the epitome of reward for her as she tries frequently to prove her importance to him. However, a man’s love, as women hope to see it expressed, is grounded on his personal habits. Girls express their feelings easily, and boys don’t. Projecting affection is almost alien to the male nature; men must be taught for it to become habitual. If not taught in childhood, women have only one opportunity to teach their man and overcome his natural reluctance for showing affection—a long courtship before they first have sex together. (It’s a story described elsewhere on the blog.)

The next post describes how boys are taught and form female-friendly habits to display affection for females.

——————

*Unfortunately, many modern men see personal accomplishment in doing nothing, dodging responsibility, and erasing their dependability. It cancels their worth for loving themselves, others, and even their mates.

6 Comments

Filed under sex differences

6 responses to “1766. Sex Difference Redux — Part 20: Love III (w/ Kathy Petersen)

  1. anonymous

    Wonderful!

  2. Anon....

    HAPPY 12/12/12…..keep up the good work guys. I just heard that horrible book 50 Shades of Decay (gray) is making the rounds on college campii…(off the subject) People MUST protect traditional marriage. If they think homosexual marriage wont ruin your daughters chances of finding a mate they’re wrong. There WONT be anything stopping polygamy when it comes~the polygamists could actually make a case for it thru the Old Testament (twisting scripture)

  3. Anon....

    College is too expensive for them to have this kind of foolishness. Someone needs to train people on camppii 18~35 on how to have a decent marriage…just as much as writing a thesis: besides many degreed people are unemployed today

  4. Girl

    EDITOR’S NOTE: I RESPOND IN CAPS TO your questions in lower case.
    Guy
    ——————

    “Thus, when females provide gifts or otherwise show their love which the boy or man feels he has not earned…”

    I have heard this idea presented by many authors similar to yourself, Sir Guy. It makes perfect sense, and I have always taken it to refer to those sort of desperate girls who endlessly fawn over a guy, lavish him with insincere praise, and buy him stuff – actual “gifts” – all in a sad (probably unconscious) attempt to buy his love. RIGHT ON!

    But what about when you are in a serious courtship, or even exclusive dating, and Christmas or his birthday rolls around? Is it a bad idea to get him a gift on such occasions? This where I find myself confused. EVERYBODY ‘EARNS’ CHRISTMAS AND BIRTHDAY GIFTS BY VIRTUE OF BEING CLOSE TO THE GIVER.

    Also, what about a genuine “gift” that is not motivated by a desire to “buy his love”? I can’t think of an example in my life so I’ll make one up. E.g. He really loves a certain subject. And she happens to be in bookstore and comes across an amazing book on the subject. She might get the book and give it to him. “I saw this book and I thought of you” …just like one might do with a friend. Would it be better to tell him about the book – “Hey, I saw this book you might really like” – rather than get the book? YOU GIVE A GREAT EXAMPLE. HOWEVER, PRESENT IT WITH WORDS SUCH AS “I SAW THIS BOOK, THOUGHT OF YOU, AND IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD TO GIVE IT.” AVOID USING THIS PHRASE: “…YOU MIGHT REALLY LIKE IT.” DON’T PRESUME TO KNOW HOW HE WILL REACT. HE DOESN’T HAVE TO EARN WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF FOR GIVING IT.

    And do the rules of “unearned gifts” shift once married? WHEN MARRIED IT’S MUCH EASIER TO GIVE OTHER THAN CHRISTMAS, ANNIVERSARY, AND BIRTHDAY GIFTS IN WAYS THAT SHOW HE EARNS THEM. FOR EXAMPLE: AFTER HE MOWS THE GRASS, GIVE HIM A BEER, SIT WITH HIM AND ASK ABOUT THE LAWNMOWER TROUBLES HE HAD. HE HAS EARNED HIS WIFE, SO UNEXPECTED PRESENTS HAVE BEEN EARNED PROVIDED HE DOESN’T DISAGREE FOR FINANCIAL REASONS.

    On the flip side of that, I’d like to ask a question if I may, that is off topic of the subject of this post…

    If a man’s function within the male-female relationship (I hate sounding so clinical, but whatever) is protect/provide, what is proper for the female to accept from him in the “provide” category during early dating, later dating, and then courtship? Let me put that another way, or rather, explain my reason for asking:

    In my generation, it seems sex for young men comes extremely cheap. Often times, a dinner or two is all the price they pay. Because of this, I have a very hard time accepting ANY “provision” or “gifts” from men, because it makes me feel as though they are expecting something (sex) in return. I feel like it is a Catch 22 – because I know that not accepting such “gifts” can/is seen as a rejection of HIM; but at the same time I feel that accepting them makes me obligated. So, I’m not sure what my question is… maybe 1) can you help me change my thinking on this (if my thinking is wrong) and 2) is there a limit to receiving one should place on themselves before certain milestones (engagement, marriage)? A SINGLE WOMAN’S LIFE IS ALL ABOUT BALANCING THE CATCH 22s THAT SHE FACES. YOU MIGHT TRY THIS: DON’T ACCEPT EXPENSIVE OR VERY PERSONAL GIFTS THAT ARE MORE THE KIND THAT HUSBANDS GIVE WIVES. DINNERS—EXCEPT FOR VERY EXPENSIVE MANLY DISPLAYS OF WEALTH OR ATTEMPTS TO PERSUADE—ARE QUITE ACCEPTABLE AS PART OF DATING. YOU MIGHT HELP YOURSELF BY SUGGESTING LESS EXPENSIVE PLACES WHEN YOU HAVE AN INPUT.

    FINALLY, DON’T FORGET THIS: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR A MAN’S REACTION TO YOUR HONEST INITIATIVES.

    Thank you.

  5. Girl

    “If not taught in childhood, women have only one opportunity to teach their man and overcome his natural reluctance for showing affection—a long courtship before they first have sex together. (It’s a story described elsewhere on the blog.)”

    Sir Guy,

    Which blog post please? And does the post delve into the Hows of “teach[ing] their man [to] overcome his natural reluctance for showing affection”? This would be most helpful. :)

    Your Highness Girl,

    Many blog posts cover the subject above. Actually, women don’t teach men directly to show affection. Preaching or directly teaching makes him resist learning what she intends. It’s like her telling him what to do, and men don’t cater to much of that. He has to teach himself that he must do things differently if he hopes to get what he wants out of her, if he hopes to capitalize on the promise he sees in her. It’s the delightful carrot backed up with the velvet stick.

    A woman refuses conquest until each man learns how to please her in both breadth and depth of affection, so that it becomes habitual for him when he’s with her. Long courtships enable it best of all.

    As to specific posts, try those with these terms in the title: Conquest, abstinence, virtual virginity, and Virgin? Keep It Secret. There is no prescribed way to teach but seed planting works wonders alongside delay of conquest.

    Guy

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