1776. Sex Difference Redux — Part 30: Compete or Cooperate?

The relationship expert (aka woman) functions as the power figure and major decision maker to build compatibility. Her effectiveness depends on her ability and success at integrating the primal urges described in posts 1747 through 1749 as their respective drives, needs, wants, fears, and time focuses. Knowing how and when to compete and cooperate can determine both progress and success.

Those simple functions enable or destroy compatibility. Both sexes are capable of competing and cooperating with the opposite sex. Women do it easily anytime, anyplace, anyhow. Men don’t, can’t, or won’t compete with a woman after she yields to their first sex together. Their disparate natures boil down to this. A couple competes for transfer of ‘ownership’ of her sexual assets; after conquest she shifts from competition to cooperation if she seeks to move toward marital compatibility.

However, once she surrenders ownership to him, their life together is never the same. Only cooperation sustains their marriage too.

• A man naturally and willingly competes with a woman to conquer her; he expects it and generally honors a well-respected woman’s wishes. As the normal course of Nature, he expects that her competitive energy to slow or stop his conquest will subsequently be replaced with her cooperation.
• His nature frees him to search for another conquest. He no longer expects nor tolerates her pressures to compete. If he wants competition, he’ll seek another sex target. Either mentally or physically he finds a way to relieve whatever pressures or competitive conditions she may impose after conquest.
• While competition comes naturally to both, men must be taught to cooperate as a good marriage partner. It’s usually and best conditioned in childhood by good fatherly examples.
• If she pressures him to compete with her after conquest, it threatens his sense of significance, which reduces her importance to him, which threatens her with fear of abandonment. For example, if she refuses sex when he expects it or refuses to recognize his male dominance, it tends to make him look for an escape hatch.
• A man needs a place to flop, eat, throw his things, and prepare for tomorrow’s battles. A woman is driven to nest. If she prioritizes her nesting (e.g., perfect house always in perfect order by perfectionist overseer) over that of providing a warm and comfortable abode for him, she initiates competition.
• A man is driven to compete against Nature, other men, and shape human events. A woman needs a brighter future. If she pushes him to overextend himself on her behalf (e.g., buy new home beyond their means) instead of primarily supporting him and his work, she initiates competition.
• He wants freedom, and she wants a man. Competition with her pushes him toward freedom without her. Cooperation pulls him toward freedom with her. Lots of smiles, pleasantness, and her likeability compound the pleasure of freedom with her. (Note: Affection and sex were intentionally omitted, as they’re only a small part of his wanting to spend time with her over and above his masculine drive toward other things such as his job.)
• He focuses on the present and she focuses on the future. Plenty of room exists for cooperation that breeds compatibility. To generate win-win compatibility, she as the relationship expert helps and supports him in present day affairs, while she shapes their future together without competing with him.

More effective relationship experts compete strongly to resist a man’s conquering spirit. After conquest, the women withdraw from competition and use their cooperative spirit to build compatibility.

Overall, when a woman favors a man over herself in those dilemmas described above, she wins, if her purpose is to find, select, marry, and keep a husband. If she can’t forgo the more dominant position on these issues, she’s headed for trouble winning and keeping a man for life.

About these ads