1791. Sex Difference Redux— Part 45: Cheater Returns II


I continue to pose and write as cheated-on wife. I caution you again. I’m neither a psychologist nor counselor. I’m just a man trying to think like a woman from a man-think perspective. I describe what I think is most likely to lure a cheating husband back to his family. (As I expressed in an earlier post, don’t take everything too literally. Morph the concepts and principles to woman-think and use them to generate and sustain as much dignity as possible. More dignity strengthens your strong-mindedness, uplifts your soft-heartedness, and otherwise makes you feel better about yourself.  All taken together, it enables iron-willed resolve to brighten your future.)

From the day I discover my husband cheats, I change to someone he doesn’t know. Whatever he expects my response to be, I will be the opposite. Instead of focusing on the short term and his improper behavior, I focus on long-term judging of his contrition, sincerity, and future worth to the family. I lather him with many surprises built from unique female talent, skill, character, and my determination to both disguise and hide my emotional hurt.

I have to re-capture his devotion to me and family. Forgiving him too soon or easily won’t do that. To forgive him is to flip his guilt switch to off and make him think all is forgotten and he can return as if he never cheated. That won’t work for me, because he appears to be too easily lured to someone else.

Avoid the Obvious as soon as I learn he cheated.

  • He expects me to cry, but I won’t. He expects me to beg him to return, but I won’t. He expects me to consider the children, but I won’t discuss them. He expects … but I won’t….
  • I conceal my anger, act calm, and say nothing about kicking him out. I cut him off from sex, but I neither complain nor explain about doing so. I let him and his conscience figure everything out.
  • I adopt higher levels of modesty and stay fully clothed and sexually uninviting when he’s in the home. I want him to review and compare my promise as a whole woman rather than contrasting me to his sex object.
  • He will take offense and defend any shortcomings I spotlight about ‘her.’ Thus, my criticisms about ‘her’ work to my disadvantage. To reject ‘her’, he has to spotlight what he can’t tolerate in exchange for sex. I propose for him to see that he can’t tolerate losing me.
  • With great hard-headedness I refuse to let my highly charged emotions show to the family. I adopt a newfound, internally peaceful happiness with myself. I’m on familiar ground, because I’ve prepared for years just in case it happened. I also recognize, however, that it calls for a lot of ‘fake it till I make it’.
  • Haranguing him gives him reason to fight back. I won’t raise his hackles or fighting spirit. I want him in conscience-stirring mode and questioning his own actions. Did he do right for the long run? For his wife? Children? What happens if he tries to restore his marriage? Does his lover hold more or less promise for support and comfort in his long-range future?
  • My composure helps keep the kids innocent, uninterested, and uninvolved. I request strongly that he do the same.
  • He can leave without my objecting, but I’d rather have him close by without letting him know why.
  • I conceal my anger and help him explore (without my telling him) what separation and divorce means to him—not me, him! Indirectness is tough but vital.
  • I don’t chatter incessantly; it’s reminds too much of immaturity and adolescence. I go more for silence and zero feedback to him. I swallow anxieties and stress, until I can get off to myself.
  • I never talk about adult matters, if the kids can hear us. I insist he do the same. Cheating, separation, divorce, and time-share children are adult matters.
  • I don’t act desperate in anything that comes up and especially not to keep him. In fact, it’s very tough, but I show only deep-rooted resolve to accept whatever course he chooses. He wants to be boss so let him decide. I have to rely on my self-respect and confidence in my game plan for support. I also pray a lot.
  • I never show anger, grief, or other emotion from which he can determine my true state of mind. Mystery always works for females to make men question their own decisions. On discovering his treachery, I particularly don’t want to face him until I have time to adopt a zero feedback attitude and face.
  • I never try to delay his departure or separation, not even for the children, and especially not in front of them. It sends many wrong messages that cost me later. (For example, I make a case, any case, and he refuses. It reinforces my dependence on him, which feeds his ego and enables him to win that particular skirmish. Given that he thinks I hate him, or we’re at war, he’ll always try to win each skirmish or battle. His competitive nature drives him to it. My only hope lies with his concluding that I show more promise for his future than ‘she’ does.)
  • I reduce my humiliation by keeping everything to myself. If absolutely necessary, I unload on girlfriend or parent but none that will feed my feelings to him. The more undisturbed and independent I make myself under the trauma, the tougher I become for the future.
  • I quietly show unusually calm respect for him; I plead for nothing and especially his return. I let him know the exit door is always open for either of us to depart. If he brings up the subject of children, I refuse to talk about it until our adult matters are resolved. (For example, he says our son goes with him and daughter with me. I refuse to talk about it and let him drag me away from our adult issues.)
  • Keeping my anger under control keeps his that way too. Animosities openly expressed can prompt future blowups. I stay in anger-prevent mode in case I take him back, or we settle with hopefully amicable divorce.

My greatest strength lies with keeping my mouth closed as much as possible. Whatever I say in my defense or to attack him relieves his conscience and further weakens any ambitions he may have for rejoining me. If I talk, he’s encouraged to walk. If I’m ready to walk, he’s encouraged to talk. It’s the greatest anomaly facing me: I want to say a million things, none of which he wants to hear except to justify himself. Whatever he hears will be used against me, so near-silent discretion works for me. Self-imposed guilt eating at his conscience serves me best.

And you readers say, “I’m mad and intend to stay that way. I want him to know that I feel betrayed. If I don’t tell him how I feel, he’ll not know my anger or his value to us. Without dialogue we can’t recover or end our marriage amicably.” I counter with this man-think: You expressed your feelings throughout your marriage, and yet he decided to cheat. If you continue as before, what makes you think anything will change to your advantage? If you can’t talk him out of cheating, how can you talk him into giving it up?

Beat him to the punch. It comes with next post.

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