1793. Sex Difference Redux— Part 47: Cheater Returns IV


I continue to pose and write as cheated-on wife. My unfaithful husband seeks forgiveness and a return to my bed. This third part of my four-part game plan helps me evaluate and judge his contrition, sincerity, and future value to the family.

Part C — Confuse with the Unexpected

We now live separate lives under the same roof, but I have more convictions about my life than he has about our lives together or separate.

  • I live in a world different than he expects. As wife and husband we are different people than mother and father of our kids. I repeatedly draw distinctions in these roles to clarify and keep the children out of our dispute.
  • I believe that one unfaithful event breaks marriage vows. He claims that he just dented them. So, we’re on new ground. I gently but deliberately take command of the home in which he’s permitted to live. It’s my home, and he disqualified himself as the king. If I neither blame nor accuse him, his guilt may help and promote my queenly ascendency to the throne.
  • I don’t fight with him. I just refuse to engage on his complaints. Mystery helps me.
  • I treat him as if he’s adrift from home and family. He’s welcome to shelter but he’s now an outsider, except that the kids must continue to show respect as before. Their relationship with their father remains the same, if he can keep it. (I recognize that he’ll probably explain our marital differences differently than I do. But kids given one side of an argument often ‘kill the messenger’. And I can’t stop him anyway.)
  • Whether we live separate lives in the same house or he moves out, our relationship starts over by going back to Day One. Should he ever want to return, he has to win my hand again. If he truly wants me, he must prove it with actions instead of wordy promises.
  • I turn home and myself into totally neutral zones. I’m calm but not inviting, pleasant but not encouraging, and simple but no longer a pushover for his charm, apologies, and promises.
  • The day I found out about his cheating, I started to restore myself to the girl he courted and married. Maybe I’ll become even better. This also means I have to view and evaluate him not as vow breaker or cheater but as new Mr. Good Enough.
  • He faces his conscience, and I want to inspire more of it. Whether he separates, divorces, or seeks return to me, one path suits my needs better than all the others: I keep him exposed and let him remind himself of what he’s losing or lost in both kids and me.
  • Living where his money goes bonds him better to family than sending it to us if he leaves. This makes no separation work to my advantage.
  • Confused that my dedication to virtual virginity resists his irresistible charm, he learns, accepts, adjusts, and honors my insistence about no sex, no sleeping together. Otherwise, we’re getting nowhere toward my taking him back.
  • I make him figure out what I’m thinking. I don’t help him by either confirming or denying. The greater my mystery, the greater respect I earn.
  • I never bad mouth or condemn him either to or in front of the children. They will choose sides, and I should expect them to favor the one criticized. I need them on my side and disparaging their father achieves the opposite.
  • I remember this wisdom: He isn’t leaving for the sex down the street, he’s leaving because our harmony (aka chemistry + mutual enjoyment of each other) broke down somewhere in the home. Who’s at fault is of no consequence. So, for strategic purposes I accept blame without informing him. [Guy says: Lawyers will reject the blame idea, but that’s another war].
  • I resist with great calm and stubbornness any charm, apologies, and promises he offers. Every time I buy into his arguments, I lose whatever I gained before. Acquiescent isn’t where it’s at this time. He courts me as I expect, not as he prefers, and he has to figure out the difference. If he won’t work to get me back, he won’t stay with me as long as I wish.
  • Some months earlier I detected that his faithfulness might be weakening. At that time I undertook a weight loss and exercise program. It worked, and I now am shaped more closely to our courtship appearance. With haste I upgrade my wardrobe and manner of dress. I now dress at home and in public to make other men and especially his peers drool. He deserves their pity.

When he supplies other attentions, affections, and appreciations that persuade me he wants me more than sex with me, then we’re making progress. Part D follows tomorrow.

4 Comments

Filed under sex differences

4 responses to “1793. Sex Difference Redux— Part 47: Cheater Returns IV

  1. Zena

    Guy- Thank you so much for all your posts. I have been reading with great interest and have learned a tremendous amount. After 17 years of marriage(and 3 kids) my husband left for OW. It has been 4 months. I take the blame and realize now that I was not a loving wife. I have since had a mental and physical makeover, feel strong, have little anger, and am practicing being grateful everyday. Since seeing my transformation my husband has been coming around more often, calling me, saying he loves and misses me AND….I hate to admit it, but we have been having sex. That is until NOW, thanks to you!! I had convinced myself he was no longer with OW but that is not true. I now must proceed with dignity, grace, and virtual virginity. MY QUESTION to you. One of the reasons my husband left was the lack of intimacy(all kinds) in our marriage. I have worked through why I was unable to provide intimacy and now am ready to be a loving and sexual wife! How can I prove this to him? I will not have sex with him, but can I tell him how much I desire him and when he is ready for monogamy, I will be here? Thank you again for all your wisdom!

    Your Highness Zena,

    Congratulations on your transformation. You’re a strong and deserving woman, but you may have to go through another trauma. When you say NO SEX, he will probably try to convince you otherwise. If it happens, stick to your guns with a big smile, don’t explain, and don’t complain. It may take weeks, but let him conclude that he can’t have two women for sex anymore; he must decide which of you promises the best future for his life.

    I’m nonplussed. You say the lack of intimacy caused his wandering. How do you know? That flies against the male nature, so are you sure that was it? You admit causing it, but are you sure? You may mean sexual availability. If so, I understand so forget this paragraph. In any event, don’t bring up the subject. Just promote a few intimate moments when it’s possible without being obvious that you are leading him.

    Keep these thoughts in mind:

    • The one most fearful of losing will lose. You should display an attitude that you can very well do without him unless he’s willing to live by your expectations.

    • Avoid defining your expectations or describing what he should do and not do. It takes time, but the more he figures out the promises you hold for him (without you saying or suggesting it), the more indelibly it absorbs into his heart and mind.

    • Wait for him to explain his weaknesses and complain about doing you wrong. Don’t prescribe those things for him. Avoid at all costs the planting of guilt and don’t explain your own guilt. Keep guilt out of the picture.

    • If he says he wants you, ask him to explain just what he promises in order to earn you once again. Make him put the words in his own mouth that OW is gone forever. Throughout every event together, ignore both her and their relationship.

    • Don’t you provide it, but if the right opportunity arises, allow him to snuggle up and exchange affectionate words with the understanding that foreplay is OUT.

    • It’s not the big and affirming things that hold a couple together. It’s not love and fidelity, companionship and friendliness, mothering and fathering. Women favor them but those factors are insufficient to sustain a marriage. It’s the ABSENCE of little irritants, nags, fears, and unwarranted anxieties that accumulate and destroy one spouse’s likeability. Men are much more sensitive to those negative factors and so wife’s likeability fades far more easily than husband’s does. (See, men and women differ greatly on how to hold a marriage together.)

    You may note that I suggest holding your tongue and waiting for him to explain and complain. It’s the opposite of nagging, accusing, and berating him.

    Use patience. If he won’t figure out for himself that he should come back permanently, then he’s already long gone and you’re just handy for sex (until now).

    Guy

  2. Emma

    Welcome back – its so nice have you back, I hope you are getting all the support and love from your friends and family.

    Why do people ask the women to give in and show love? That many of the discussions are about the wife submitting to her husband above the situation when a husband betrays her?

    Your Highness Emma,

    Thank you, my dear.

    I’m not quite sure of your question, but I off this. Women are born with the ability to love others. To love a woman is learned behavior for men.

    Guy

  3. Emma

    EDITOR’S NOTE: MY RESPONSE IS IN CAPS following your questions in lower case. GUY

    Mr. Guy – my question below is in reference to this article – cheating husband. Many Christian books tell wives to love their husbands, ignore the affair. Almost to deny her emotions for what is destroying a marriage. CHRIST GAVE US FEMALE-FRIENDLY VALUES TO LIVE BY. CHRISTIANITY IS A MALE-DOMINATED RELIGION. GOD GIVES US FREE WILL. THEREFORE, TURN INWARD AND TO CHRIST FOR THE BEST GUIDANCE.

    You’ve mentioned this before – but you have said “if women talk, men walk, if the women walks the man want to talk”. NOT QUITE. IT WAS MORE LIKE THIS: IF HER MAN CHEATS, SHE WANTS TO TALK. IF HIS WOMAN CHEATS, HE WANTS TO WALK.

    It seems to me that sometimes things must be out in the open to heal and generate a foundation (if husband wants it). At what point should a wife say – “I hate what you have done” it has destroyed my trust etc? WHY SAY IT ALL? THE MORE HE READS HER SILENCE TO SAY IT, THE MORE LIKELY HE WILL CHANGE.

    Marriage is very difficult – it causes the greatest joy but also my biggest pains…. WERE IT NOT SO, A HAPPY MARRIAGE WOULD NOT BE VERY WORTHY.

    Sometimes I wonder if people dealt with issues openly – could the respect be earned from both husband / wife without the passive aggressiveness? PROBABLY NOT. THE IMAGINATION IS TOO POWERFUL. FULLY OPENED ISSUES BRING OUT MORE DETAILS UPON WHICH THE IMAGINATION CAN FIND ALL MANNER OF EXCEPTIONS AND FAULTS. “YES, BUT….” MERELY PROLONGS DISCORD.

  4. Emma

    Thank you – what you have always said – silence its the best weapon. My husband says it’s my stubbornness.;-)

    Your Highness Emma,
    Good if stubbornness works.
    Guy

    .

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