1803. Sex Difference Redux—Part 53: Whore in the Bedroom? III


A reader commented. “I can’t tell you how many married men visit prostitutes because of something kinky that his wife won’t do.” Don’t read what follows as justification for anything, it’s just the way things are with their natures.

This will make you scream, but taking on the kinky with prostitutes leaves respect intact for wife. Morally vacuous he may be, disrespectful and unfaithful he is, but domestic aftershocks may be absent and marital trembling unknown if the wife doesn’t know. Men don’t identify their wife’s faults by comparing them with whores; they visit prostitutes to keep from admitting or disclosing faults they find with the woman they live with. Truth be known, it’s a marriage-saving maneuver more than marital complaint.

Visiting prostitutes is far superior to viewing porn. Prostitutes release sexual energy and leave little behind except perhaps a man’s guilt—and men are naturally endowed with a spongy guilt-memory bank. Men don’t bond as women do with sex partners, and so men don’t emotionally connect with prostitutes. It’s physical cheating of course but not emotional infidelity. Thus, sex with prostitutes doesn’t disturb a man’s allegiance to wife. Whores aren’t marriage material to the male nature.

Porn releases no sexual energy, even though sated temporarily by masturbation. Views and scenes linger in a man’s imagination, make emotional connections, energize his curiosity for more and better, and divide his allegiance between what he has (wife) and wants to have (who knows what?). Porn is emotional infidelity.

After visiting a prostitute, the male’s mind may lose self-respect, and guilt may set in. But he can learn to live with it and the family can survive more easily than if husband’s respect for wife declines. Marriage is not about perfection; it’s all about tolerating the imperfections, surviving the put downs, and recovering from the negative influences. (OTOH, women can’t do extra-marital sex as men do and keep their marriage harmonized as before. Women who cheat bond too easily with sex partners, which encourages them to see and condemn previously undiscovered and tolerated faults in their husband.)

Husbands appreciate a high-class wife in the bedroom. It confirms a husband’s conviction of wife’s classiness outside the bedroom. Whorish behavior does not convey that. Whorish ‘entertainment’ shifts bedroom intimacy over to sex, which ignites husband’s adventurous imagination about more and elsewhere. He imagines what else she will do and comes to expect it. Her whorishness also generates some measure of disrespect for her that undermines his devotion. Consequently, if wives seek to be husband’s whore, they can expect to end up with a shortage of his respect, devotion, and love although it may not build to separation or end married life with him. (Only God and the Shadow know the part it plays in present-day divorces.)

OTOH, the absence of wife’s whorish behavior endorses husband’s leadership in bed. When he fulfills his responsibility under the guidance of her unique modesty, indirect influence, and feminine determination to build reliable compatibility, his success breeds habits that eventually satisfy her. Out of his successful habits, her sexual gratification strengthens his character, enlarges marital goals, fine tunes his personal responsibility, and encourages her living up to his expectations. All of which the female nature longs for, and so the promise of it enlarges her common sense and natural patience for shaping their future together. When a couple’s sex takes that high road, it restricts their urges to the simplest forms of sexual satisfaction. Out of that, mutual devotion harmonizes to produce domestic tranquility.

29 Comments

Filed under sex differences

29 responses to “1803. Sex Difference Redux—Part 53: Whore in the Bedroom? III

  1. Anne

    Why does porn make emotional connections in the man? Will they ever go away or is he emotionally divided forever?? Can the wife do anything to repair the emotional divide? Why do men seek porn over prostitute when both are available? I presume my husband chose the former because it was free, easy, and “fake” (plus no risk of cooties)… but of course I don’t really know. I just know what he told me when I found out. :s

    Your Highness Anne,

    Why does porn make emotional connections in the man? The magnet of new and exciting experiences intensifies his attention away from wife.

    Will they ever go away or is he emotionally divided forever? IMHO, it depends on how successfully he conquers his addiction (Much like conquering addiction to alcohol and drugs, the attraction diminishes and fades according to willpower and success staying away from it. However, the pull probably continues.)

    Can the wife do anything to repair the emotional divide? Yes, don’t let it show that she’s bothered by it. Remember, men don’t relate to emotional infidelity, so don’t make it an issue with him.

    Why do men seek porn over prostitute when both are available? Pretty much as you describe it above plus this: Some men, especially those with low self-esteem or self-image, relate more comfortably and better with inanimate rather than animate objects. WADWMUFGAO, we all do what makes us feel good about ourselves.

    Guy

    • Anne

      Sir Guy, I am confused by two things:
      1) If men “don’t relate to emotional infidelity,” then how is it that their emotional alligence to wife is damaged by porn?
      2) It seems like such a large difference between how you recommend women handle physical infidelity (virtual virginity, withholding sex until husband renews vows publicly, etc.) vs. suggesting wife not let husband know his porn-viewing bothers her. Why such a great difference? I must be missing something. My personal inclination would be to react the same to both — the virtual virgin way. If not on principle, then at least because I would feel physically sickened. Could you elaborated, then, on why you suggest we handle porn so… nonchalantly (at least it feels to me like that is what you recommend)?

      Your Highness Anne,

      Re your 1): I could have been clearer with the term ‘relate’. Men do undergo emotional infidelity, but they don’t recognize or admit it cognitively. They turn from it as a female thing and disclaim that it applies to them. Therefore, they damage their allegiance to wife without admitting it even to themselves. They mistakenly and perhaps dishonestly claim that what enters their mind does no damage to their heart. The female nature knows better instinctively, but males must learn that fact of life cognitively. Even then, males are inclined to defend themselves by denying it; to them, keeping heart and mind separated is very plausible, manlike, no big deal.

      Re your 2): You ask, “Could you elaborate, then, on why you suggest we handle porn so nonchalantly (at least it feels to me like that is what you recommend)?” Answer: To win for wife the advantage in subsequent interpersonal, domestic, and legal events.

      Recovering from husband’s physical infidelity is quite different from escaping his emotional infidelity that comes with porn addiction. If she reacts the same to both offenses—one’s likely to be recoverable and one’s more likely to only be escapable—she will very likely lose in the latter instance. It may be tough to comprehend, so I’ll try to focus on clarity.

      A man easily understands wifely explosions over his physical unfaithfulness but not emotional infidelity. He shrugs away the latter; he can give or take porn. It ain’t no big deal, and he’s not addicted. (Of course, it’s a rationalization designed to hide probable addiction.)

      The female nature enables a wife to tolerate physical but not husband’s emotional infidelity. Emerson said, “The world turns on hope.” A woman can tolerate physical cheating, but it leaves her with hope for preserving marriage and future. What she can’t tolerate—e.g., porn and the threatening emotional unfaithfulness—deprives her of hope. No hope, no future with him.

      If she tries to recover husband’s physical cheating with hope wobbly but not extinguished, it enables her to deal with him by weighing his promises against her hopes and dreams. It’s tough, but husband can convince wife that he didn’t bond with someone else. Even though she disbelieves him at first, she sees some hope and can slowly adjust her thinking toward keeping him around. And so, physical infidelity can be fought out on the domestic battlefield and, because her hope isn’t dead, wife perhaps can win credible promises from him to shape a new future. Under ideal circumstances, she can keep him if she desires. (In that case, for him to go along I presume that he remains tethered to wife more emotionally than to the other woman.)

      However, if forced to recover with hope gone, as with porn and the consequent emotional infidelity, she needs a new mate. It’s her natural reaction. Her greatest natural fear is fear of abandonment, and emotional infidelity spawned by porn crystalizes that fear into reality. She’s now alone, because he can’t really love her if his time, eyes, and heart when away from her threaten to be filled by sexual images. Loss of his solitary love equates to mental if not physical abandonment, and so her hope vanishes.

      In the case of apparent emotional infidelity caused by porn, she sees abandonment and loses hope. It makes her vulnerable. To regain her hope, she needs to see promise, which means she needs to outmaneuver husband during separation and divorce. As her ‘enemy’, it means that he can’t learn of conclusions behind her actions. She regains hope by not disclosing her thoughts about their future. When he can’t argue or ‘fight back’, he has little recourse but to turn inward on his guilt, conscience, and hope for his own future. Her apparent nonchalant attitude turns his thoughts inward.

      If she isn’t nonchalant but aims at full disclosure of her emotional turmoil about porn, him, and them, he has responsive reasons and rationalizations to prove her wrong. If she has not spilled her guts, he has only his inner self to examine for ways to proceed that may include winning her back.

      When he seeks answers inside himself, he will teach himself about emotional fidelity—hers—and its importance to him. If wife wins that war in his head, he will initiate actions designed to win her back. If he no longer is into her, he’ll maneuver to optimize the arrangements for his departure, whether temporary or permanent.

      It boils down to this. She argues and negotiates over husband’s physical cheating and works out a future that pleases her at whatever the cost to him. In the case of porn addiction and emotional infidelity, she stealthily initiates actions to get him out of her life.

      Displaced from her heart and mind as evil, her natural reaction to porn, she gives him no tips and he’s left on his own to find his way back into her heart. By her not explaining herself or criticizing him, she pushes him back to courtship days to make the most of himself without knowledge of her feelings or intentions. If, somewhere in that cognition process he decides to dump porn as an interest, he will go to great lengths to prove it. By that time, she’ll know how to judge his honesty, sincerity, and emotional-connection value for her future.

      Guy

      • Anne

        Wow, Sir Guy! I am not the type or temperament to loose hope easily, but your response certainly gave my hope-circuit a run for the money!! Nicely (I suppose?) it has been a year and-a-half since the porn came to light, and I have no reason to believe it has been repeated – I have attempted to apply all that I am learning here, devotion has increased, and he has become rather “addicted” to his job probably as a replacement for time spent/wasted, um, elsewhere. Of course, I cannot *know* what “really” happens when he is on this computer. (Sadly, porn is so nauseatingly available.) But I have regained hope due to doing everything within my power and seeing positive results reflected in our marriage, home, and family.

        Things could be better, of course, and reading your reply made me do a double-take on our “progress” as I see it. But nothing for me to do at this point except improve onward and hope for the best, right?

        Your Highness Anne,

        Trust, trust, trust. Don’t even bother to verify. Act only on HARD evidence.

        Live by suspicions and you will self-destruct yourself and marriage. Watch the DVD “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Watch how one wife self-destructs over her suspicions about cigarettes and husband smoking/lying. (I’m neither moralizing nor pardoning him. I suggest that her distrust kills all her interest in who and what she is to both herself and her husband.)

        Guy

        • That Horse Is Dead...

          Sir Guy,

          I’m so glad you added this to your comments because, ironically, I thought of this movie with the start of this series. The husband becomes sexually involved with a woman not his wife — who is quite seductive (a whore in the bedroom and out of the bedroom). In contrast is the wife’s character, who seems quite frigid and is obviously self-destructing over focus on his smoking. After wife discovers affair, she attempts to please him with what she imagines turns him on sexually, and tries to seduce him at the office. This was almost painful to watch. In your opinion, even though imaginary, would he eventually have lost interest in duty slut and returned to wife had wife maintained her self-interest? It seems the wife had no chance to compete once his mind was set on this other woman.

          Your Highness That Horse is Dead,

          As a man, I viewed the reverse of your last sentence. His mind was not set on the ‘other woman’ except as disturbed in mid-sex. He was set on escaping the situation without losing either one. Wife’s renewed interest could not be recognized much less appreciated by him. He was caught between rock and hard place with no escape exits. He’d be impotent in that situation and with no acceptable excuse to pass to wife. When he failed her, she took offense that he was essentially ditching her, and she fell back to the cig/smoke/lie distrust to assuage her guilt.

          Had the wife not self-destructed over her suspicions, I think he would have returned to her. As it was and as the movie intended to show, he lost both women because he couldn’t decide, choose, and remain true to one.

          Guy

          • That Horse Is Dead...

            I meant in the movie it seemed like he was emotionally involved with the affair, so it would seem like the wife had no chance to compete against the younger, more vivacious and exciting (in the bedroom) woman in general. I know women struggle with losing their husbands to the other woman. Obviously in the office scene, he was between a rock and a hard place and didn’t want to lose either in the moment!

            Your Highness That Horse is Dead,
            Here’s a man’s view again. The presence of both women panicked him. He feared all manner of outcomes and had no alternatives or options to relieve any of the pressures. Put simply, he couldn’t have gotten an erection under those pressures, anxieties, and fears but the wife took THAT personal. The worth of both women to him at that moment wasted away in front of his need to survive by escaping. Such feelings in a man far exceed the positive and affirming emotions of love, respect, attractiveness, horniness, and anything else you can name. His emotional panic out-throbbed anything else in his heart, and both women would suffer future disdain for having put him through it. The best way to forget the pain of it all? Drop them both and look for another woman.
            Guy

  2. mYstiQue

    I just wonder how prostitutes could be better than porn myself because with PROSTITUTES YOU ARE HAVING SEX WITH ANOTHER SOUL..while simply porn is just images. Having sex with another person being a marriage saver is just weird (i know you are talking about the nature of men and not christian) but still..

    Your Highness mYstiQue,

    Dealing with another soul isn’t as easy and natural as for women. Men are very different.

    If you read the article closer, you’ll find sex with a prostitute is one-sided for the marriage. Wife doesn’t know, so husband’s ‘release’ doesn’t challenge their marital relationship.

    You close with “but still….” Yes, it’s incomprehensible for women who’ve been taught that physical cheating is the same or worse than emotional infidelity. But, turn to the deepest part of your nature, inquire of your own value system, and see if it registers any easier for you.

    The article posits that two things outrank orgasmic satisfaction in the nature of females. Is it not possible to believe that those same two things can outweigh physical infidelity, whether caused by porn or prostitute?

    Guy

    • houser

      My husband and I have been married and together for 12 years. In those years our ages ranged from 20 to 35 and he has never cheated on me in either way. There are exceptions to what you say. I am a very respected in our marriage and I give him what he needs in the bedroom and am conservative outside of that. He has never looked elsewhere b/ c and I quote He has everything he wants and needs at home. There are men who don’t loose respect for there wife if the act whorish in the bedroom and there are men who don’t need porn or prostitutes to fill desires b/ c they truly have exactly what they want.

      Your Highness Houser,

      Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

      Of course, there are exceptions as you describe and you’re blessed. As a newbie, you should know this. I describe the male and female nature that usually guides people until they find overriding reasons to do something else. For example, WADWMUFGAO, we all do what makes us feel good about ourselves, and many people have found that pleasing someone else is a great step toward WADWMUFGAO.

      Guy

  3. That Horse Is Dead...

    Sir Guy,

    Are there early signs of porn addiction in dating? How easily do/can men of supposed character keep that hidden in relationship? My guess is it would seem a difficult thing to uncover in the context of virtual virginity, female indirectness, and modesty.

    Your Highness That Horse is Dead,

    I don’t have an answer for your first two questions.

    For a discerning woman, I guess the opposite of your last-sentence guess. Look for interests or thoughts dropped about extreme things, especially violence and sexual activity. Does he shy away from stuff that offends or stretches a woman’s taste or sensibility? Or does he bring up such things almost habitually? What are his internet habits? Video game nut? I would expect that a strong bent toward violence would already have driven or in a relationship would drive him toward porn. Remember, it’s only a guess. Only a discerning woman could see red flags about a man’s tendencies or habits.

    You cited virtual virginity, female indirectness, and modesty as difficult to help a lady spot porn red flags. I disagree exactly the opposite. I consider that those qualities load up a woman’s mind and heart best for uncovering red flags about porn. Her ambitions and interests are furtherest away from porn and therefore more easily sensitive to fear or uncertainties that arise in her mind or heart.

    Good luck and let me know if you uncover some real-life red flags.

    Guy

    • That Horse Is Dead...

      Sir Guy,

      My thought process is if there is no physical contact or sexual talk, it would be difficult to see a tendancy toward forceful or aggressive sexual behaviors. My assumption is men with porn addictions are good at hiding these thoughts and behaviors. I guess you are saying the opposite, it will eventually leak out.

      Your Highness That Horse is Dead,

      Yes, your last sentence is correct. It will eventually leak out if she’s alert, looking for it, and strings out a lengthy courtship.

      You say, “it would be difficult to see a tendancy toward forceful or aggressive sexual behaviors.” Perhaps, but what kind of movies does he prefer? Books? Mags? Heroes? How well does his taste match your tastes, his habits respect your feminine modesty, his behaviors not offend your woman’s sensibilities? Does he always want to talk about sex? Hide behind closed doors? Does he openly talk about himself, his background, his habits? Or, does he tend to retreat but not otherwise appear shy?

      Guy

  4. Emma

    Mr. Guy,

    Again you have opened a new article that has new information – raw knowledge not shared in national media. In a logic way the article depicting man behavior does make sense and also makes one wonder. To be specific as a female we associate sex with love therefore we make the mistake that our male partner would feel and act the same way. Since sex is not as important to men as a sign of devotion to his wife but important enough for him to seek it at any expense; why does sex not bond a man? If most of the marital issues lie in the actual act of sex ( infidelities) or prostitutes. What makes the male nature so strong to have sex and have no connection with the other person?

    Your Highness Emma,

    You say, “…as a female we associate sex with love therefore we make the mistake that our male partner would feel and act the same way.” Very true. It’s so counterintuitive to women that they can’t seem to forget it.

    You ask, “why does sex not bond a man? … What makes the male nature so strong to have sex and have no connection with the other person?” It’s God’s design, Nature’s endowment, and hormonal energy. That is, he’s different from women. He’s primarily a hunter-conqueror, and marriage is the most prominent and permanent institution to turn his hunter-conqueror ways into those of a domesticated and labor-efficiency-izing producer, provider, protector, and problem solver.

    Guy

  5. Girl

    The domestic aftershocks of incorporating prostitution into a marriage, can and often do include Herpes (there is no cure) or a slew of other STD possibilities. Not only is the unfaithful husband at risk. He puts his wife at risk, without her knowledge or consent. I hope that never happens to me.

  6. High Hard One

    Do you equate female receptiveness and enthusiasm in the bedroom for whorish behavior? I am one male who is turned off by females that have no passion for sex. Maybe I missed your definition of whore. But in my book, passion and a taste for variety of sex with one partner does not make a whore. A whore is one who cannot be monogamous or one who fails to commit.

    Sir,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when a man joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    Yes, you did miss my definition in Part II, #1802. “What is whorish behavior? Basically, it’s a wife abandoning her female nature in favor of duplicating the male nature. She may assertively and immodestly displace husband from his initiating role with the intent to please husband first, bypass her own needs, or ensure her own sexual longings are satisfied. Or, she may follow husband’s lead and participate in activity that offends her natural modesty or female sensibilities.”

    You say, “I am one male who is turned off by females that have no passion for sex.” That means you expect whorish behavior by women. Men make better bed partners when they have passion for a woman rather than for sex. Passion for her that overrides his passion for sex makes men better lovers too.

    Guy

  7. Stephanie

    Thank you! You have made me see exactly why I dislike porn so much. Not that I approve of prostitutes either. But it’s that longing and desire for something more than me that I feel causes the comparisons and in the long run disrespect and disapproval of the wife. It’s the emotional affair that goes on in his mind and heart that concerns me worse than the act of sex with someone alone like a prostitute. This is why I fear men flirting and keeping their hunting eye out for new prospects. It feels like the same emotional infidelity to me.
    The scary thing is I can’t find any men who are not already involved with pornography. And like you say there is no point in telling them how I feel about it because they just don’t get it or care. They are in denial of the affects of it. It isn’t easy to spot someone who is into it either. Yes it will always come out with long courtships but that can take it’s tole. I’ve been hurt so many times by becoming emotionally involved with a man then finding out he has this addiction and was never fully present to begin with. Once they realize they do want more from me than what porn has to offer them. They still can’t seem to kick the habit. It’s a vicious disease that tears down the self respect of both the man and the woman he is with. This is how I became so hopeless about dating and love in general. I feel as though men are already so consumed by and bonded with these fantasies of what a perfect women and love will be like. They pursue me because I remind them of it. They lie to themselves thinking they will just be happy if they can get their fantasies in reality. Most of these men are already divorced because of this issue. They become so accustomed to the security and intimacy with an object that they can’t let it go to be able to create an intimate bond with a real woman. Even when they want to. Their minds are so consumed by these fantasies they have created some sort of a bond to them through the repeated biological act of orgasm with them. They are no longer in control of what they want or need. Anything or one can trigger these thoughts in their mind, it becomes all the only thing they desire. How can any woman compete with that? How can the seed of love even begin to take root?

    Your Highness Stephanie,
    I goofed with the slogan in response to your previous comment. The suggestion for a women’s campaign against porn should have read this way: Viagra just isn’t enough, is it, hot shot? I changed it in the original.
    Guy

    • A.GuyMaligned

      Your Highness Stephanie,
      You know a lot and have much to say on the subject. You’d make a formidable candidate to lead a national campaign to inform men how asinine, shameful, and less admirable that their porn habit makes them in wives’ beds. Or something along that line.
      Guy

      • My Husband's Wife

        That’s a great suggestion, Sir Guy…for Stephanie to start a national campaign on this. Take a complete negative and make it positive passion…brilliant! I’m happy to support this cause!

        Few today seem to be outraged at the problem of men who are viewing it or the women who are degrading themselves and being degraded. I listened to a Christian radio show where the guest was a pastor who counsels other pastors on quitting porn addiction. Shocking to me as I had no idea this was so rampant even among clergy. He spoke of a scientific study where they found that porn actually rewires the male brain…and the younger a male starts viewing, the more damage is done. It also said that early on, the man will most likely initially feel guilt for doing this–perpetuating a downward spiral, but then eventually, the guilt disappears so that his conscience is hardened. Sounds like any addiction to me!

        On a positive note: There ARE men who don’t engage in this sort of behavior and don’t think it’s acceptable and will be able to properly connect with a woman. It’s a matter of finding/screening them which can be quite a process I’m sure. If someone keeps finding these destructive types of men, I sometimes think that people are drawn to those similar to their parents as it’s familiar. So if a father was into this, it could be affecting a woman’s guy radar. And many times it takes effort to move away from being attracted to the similar destructive types.

        Personally, it’s taken me a lot to figure out the difference between men “noticing” attractive women and still being able to remain “faithful” to wife–which is normal, compared to the marriage-destroying man who is addicted to porn. I think those are two different types of men completely.

        Your Highness My Husband’s Wife,

        Thanks for this thought: Men noticing attractive women.

        It’s hardwired in the male brain as part of the hunter-conquer nature, an auto reflex. It helps women screen for Mr. Good Enough or assess husbands.
        The more open, noticeable, or obvious a man’s reflex, the less focused, considerate, and respectful he is of female companion. The less noticeable he is, the more considerate and respectful compared to his reflex when he thinks she isn’t watching.

        Guy

    • Stephanie

      Lol! I love the name you came up with for a campaign. I have studied much on the subject and I have a lot of personal experiences with it. I have thought about doing something. I would just like to get more information out there on the affects it has on our relationships. Everything you have been telling us I completely agree with. It only makes it that much more clear why men having constant access to easy free sex with immodest women will end up changing the whole dynamics between men and women. But I’m sure there are still plenty of good men left out there that are looking for more than porn has to offer. Thank you for letting me vent on the subject. I’m having a much better day today ;)

  8. Some Other Guy

    If we are to talk of emotional infidelity and porn addiction then why is there no outrage from the females over women’s addiction to romance novels? Romance novels train women to expect a level of manliness that no mortal male can ever deliver. Women users of this female porn are systematically rewired to expect non stop romance, a chiseled body and bad boy attitude from their normal husband. Women come to see their 9-5 working man as less exciting than the bad boy alpha hunk vampire of their romance novels.

    Porn and romance novels are fantasy. Porn is visual. Romance Novels use story telling to elicit their response. It’s the same principle in action though. If we are going to have outrage over porn then we have to have outrage over romance novels.

    Porn and novels are merely diversions. They are symptoms of a situation where people are not getting their physical and emotional needs met. They are the path of least resistance towards filling a hole in their lives.

    Take away your husband’s porn magazine and he will use the computer. Take away the computer and he will use the underwear ads in the Sunday newspaper. Take away the wife’s romance novels and she will go see a movie or read a Kindle. You can’t fix the addiction to either without fixing the underlying issues that drive people to these diversions.

    Thus if the underlying issue for the man who uses porn is that he is not sexually satisfied by his wife, it raises some serious questions as to how far the wife is willing to go to meet the needs of the man. Many men have a sexual appetite that is far greater than that of his partner. It is not realistic to tell the man to just do without anymore than it is to ask him not to breath so much.

    I am well aware that there are many wives who would have sex w/ their husband every day, multiple times a day, but he won’t because of porn. It is devastating to them. I am also aware of a number of wives who have no interest in sex w/ their husband. They don’t really even want to touch the man. They are merely angry that he has some outlet besides her. For them it is a control issue.

    Sir Some Other Guy,

    Thank you once again. I knew there was a female opposite of porn but didn’t get as far as fantasy. I got as far as pity but knew it didn’t fit right. You described it clearly and justifiably.

    Your fantasy knot tying romance novels to pornography is so vital to the mission of this blog that I intend to use it frequently. Would you mind if I don’t credit you each time? Know this, however, the knot’s importance will also bring to mind your other lucid explanations of bettering the lives of women in the modern world.

    Guy

    • Catherine

      Agreed. Female porn, aka romance novels, chick flicks, popular music and its themes, etc. earn more outrage than they usually get by the general public.

      • Stephanie

        Yes but a key difference is. when I watch a movie or read a book. I’m envisioning the characters in the book with the other characters in the book. There for this never leads me to orgasm. Where as if you ask any men they are picturing themselves having sex with those women in porn and the whole biological process leading up to and including climax is what is causing the most impact to the mans ability to bond with his wife. I do agree that fantasy on either part is detrimental to the relationship. Weather men want to admit to it or not cheating starts in the heart. If a man or a woman is dreaming of being with someone else it is a clear sign that their heart is not in the right place

        • Some Other Guy

          Stephanie, you make it sound simple
          “”Weather men want to admit to it or not cheating starts in the heart””
          but it is decidedly not that cut and dry. Many wives have no interest in satisfying their husbands needs. These men are being cheated out of sex and they are responding in the only way he can. Many wives use sex as a means of controlling their husbands. So yes, wives get upset when porn threatens to take away her source of control.

          This of course is not the case in every situation. But for every wife that is being abandoned in favor of porn, I would bet that there are twice as many husbands whose wives are holding back the goodies on him on purpose.

          I would further propose that porn or romance novels or any other distraction is not the source of the problem. If you dig deep enough you would find that there were other underlying issues, the porn is just a symptom of what the real problem is.

          • Stephanie

            That may be true in many cases. Although it is hard for me to relate to because I would enjoy having sex everyday at least once if not more. After all who doesn’t love sex? How would a woman be able to use it control her man? I do agree in some cases it is a symptom of a problem. But in many cases I feel it creates the problem. I will admit that my desire to have sex with my husband reduced greatly once I became aware that he was getting off on other women. I’m sure it would have waned anyways due to the lack of trust and intimacy that his secret habit created. We all have issues and insecurities to deal with. A strong sex drive is one of the main ways to inspire men and women to face these issues and work through them together. This creates a strong bond trust and intimacy. This doesn’t happen when one of them runs to sexual fantasy/porn as an escape, instead of trying to understand what they and their spouse need to be able to get their needs met through them. At some point a couples sex drive should balance out for a healthy medium between the two of them. If one person uses sex as a drug there is no way one person can satisfy them. Lust is a sin. It’s like a disease that grows until it eventually consumes any love that there was. Lust always want’s what it can’t have. It’s been my personal experience that no amount of sex can cure a person who has the issue. First the person has to decide to rid himself of his lusts. In the process he will likely realize his real feelings and also be able to see his wife as a human being with feelings as well. I don’t think men understand how the ogling of other women and the lustful thoughts that follow create a major shut down in their wives security and there for openness. Never underestimate that 6th sense. The first thing it’s going to do is ruin that feeling of being desired which equates to feeling loved to a woman. Thus killing a woman’s sex drive. Its hard enough in today society. They have done studies on the affects of pornified culture has on women’s libido’s. It kills them. So if a woman is using sex to try to get her husband to show her more love? It only makes sense that if he truly did love her and kept his heart true to her by not lusting other women. She is going to feel it and her natural giving nurturing desire will kick in. One increasing her sex drive and two making her more content and grateful for what she has reducing her need to control her husband by making him show his love in other ways. If a woman has to use sex to control her husband it’s obvious that the sex act itself has become more important that she is or the relationship. That would kill anyone’s libido. They only call it free porn because no one sees the what it costs the relationship. There really shouldn’t be another sexual alternative in a committed relationship.

            • Some Other Guy

              @stephanie. Your situation is tragic, yet different than most couples. In most couples, the male sex drive is higher than the female’s. The wife can easily use sex then as a tool to use as a way of getting what she wants. “oh honey, I just have so much housework to do, I just cannot find the time for sex, If only we had a maid”. “oh not now honey, let’s do it tomorrow”.

              This is basic human nature. If I have something you want very badly and you have no other place to get it but from me, then I have lots of power and control over you. If I am the only food source and you want some food from me, I have power over you.

              So the sex starved husband who gets sick and tired of being turned down for sex by his wife ends up using porn. Porn did not cause this situation. It is just a symptom.

              In your case, where you want sex and he does not, or maybe wants it but is substituting porn for you is common but is not the majority. The majority case is where the wife has no desire for sex and the husband does. I completely agree that you are being cheated on by your husband using porn. You likely feel like many men feel in a sex starved relationship.
              But it is simply not the case that all men are cheating on their innocent wives with porn.

              You are also assuming that all people have gone into marriage with the desire to work together with the partner to grow in happiness. On the contrary, there are scads of people out there who are selfish and have no desire to try to meet the needs of their partner. I have no idea why these people get married in the first place, but they do. And the sucker who marries them is a victim.

              It is very easy for women to tell men “well just don’t want so much sex”. In the real world it doesn’t work like that. Sex drive is a drive. It is counterproductive to try to turn it off. WHen a man is repeatedly turned down for sex by his wife, and has repeatedly tried to address the problem with her, what would you suggest he do? In marriage she is the only store in town for sex and she has closed shop. What then?

              • Stephanie

                In that case I would be be straight up honest with her. Tell her you need more sex or your going to get it from porn or other women or just ask for a divorce. I know all to well there are some selfish people out there who have no intention on working to build a healthy relationship. Their called psychopaths and they can be male or female. All the do is use and manipulate! So if your with one of them you will have a lot more issues than just lack of sex to deal with. I personally think it is cruel to withhold sex. It will tear down a persons self worth. Our sexuality ties to the core of who we are. There are just too many reasons to keep that bond strong and pure.
                But even if the wife doesn’t do it as much as one would like. Why would a man have to turn to porn? Cheating does start in the heart. Men for many generations have been using their hand to get them by. One doesn’t even truly need to think about someone else to do that. Especially if they really need it that bad. So why would one need to go look at porn? If one needs the arousal aid that badly then they aren’t that needy to begin with. The fact is pornography changes your brain. There is no way to get enough sex once someone has become accustomed to it. It becomes a vicious cycle that can never be fully satisfied. It’s foolish to think it will help fix a problem. In reality it will only keep one from fixing the problem in the relationship and in the long run it will create many more problems.

                I think a woman who is getting all her emotional needs met by a man who is still using sex to get a maid or other things is more rare than cases like mine where the husband is addicted to porn and unable to do what he needs to to save his marriage. Maybe the woman is exhausted? Are you sure you have really thought about what she feels or needs? Or have you only been focused on your need for sex? Women need sex to ya know? Imagine being single and having no source for it? I may not have sex the rest of my life? Just because so many men are addicted to porn’ and I won’t settle. I want a healthy intimate relationship or none at all. Imagine the frustration for someone used to getting it twice a day? It sucks! But I don’t go to porn because it won’t help me. There are a lot of men who want to have sex with me too. I was on a dating site for a few weeks and I had over 500 messages from men. Those men were all just looking for porn but the real thing. I’m shocked at the change in men over the last 20 years. So many men hoping to find the real thing. But when the get the opportunity to be with a real women who loves sex. They are to warped in their mind and unable to or unwilling to make it happen because they are used to getting whatever they want at the click of a button. I still have ex’s crying to me begging for another chance. But they can’t give up their porno. It’s pathetic so they their never gonna get one. That leaves both of us sexless and so ya I know exactly how frustrating it can be. Looks like those porno makers are the only ones really benefiting from it.

              • Stephanie

                I never said just don’t want so much sex. A drive is a drive right? Figure out what is killing hers? Take the porn out of the equation so you will have the right frame of mind and the will to do so. I don’t agree with Guy that women don’t really enjoy the act. Come on scientific fact has proven women’s body’s a far more capable of lasting pleasure than a man’s. But we are emotionally stimulated. So add some romance and focus on her pleasure instead of watching someone else fake it. Really ask yourself why wouldn’t she find sex as enjoyable as you do? If you do that she will be the one begging for it don’t you think? Or

                Your Highness Stephanie,

                You say, “I don’t agree with Guy that women don’t really enjoy the act.”

                I’ve neither said nor written that women don’t enjoy the act. I have said that men and women differ in many ways. It makes their enjoyment come from different stimulation to both heart and mind.
                Guy

    • My Husband's Wife

      Yes! You’re exactly right. I’m outraged about this as well! I’d love a campaign too about how these Lifetime movies / soaps / novels can really damage a marriage as well. I’m in total agreement with what you’re saying that these such fantasy outlets are indeed “women’s porn.”
      Men are visual creatures, women are auditory creatures in general so our vices play out differently.

      And right again, the porn or the novels aren’t the problem itself–really, there is the underlying issues that need to be dealt with–these types of things are fantasy/escape hatches from reality which creates the temporary highs with overall disappointment and frustration–both with oneself and partner.

      A frightening statistic is about the Erotic Thriller book/movie “50 Shades of Grey” that is widely popular now. It’s the FASTEST-SELLING novel that WOMEN bought. I won’t go into detail on what is inside…the worst ever so I hear. And I’m scratching my head wondering why women would want to encourage the sort of degradation as featured in this book and deem it exciting as they rush to the stores to buy this trash. Don’t women want to be cherished, respected, and ultimately loved? Why do us women do everything we can to sabotage the “brightening of our future?” It could be our society programming us with a false ideal of what love really is.

      I was brought up on a steady diet of soap operas from the time I was in Kindergarten. No brothers in my family or male friends growing up. My perception of what men/marriage should be was so distorted it wasn’t funny. Throw in some Lifetime TV and I was completely shell-shocked after getting married. Thank goodness, I had also been brought up with a steady diet of Christian theology that overpowered the filth on TV. Once married, I started to seek more counsel on the Christian view of marriage and that’s when the real positive transformation began.

      What I love about this site–it helps us women reset our priorities in living respectfully TOWARD our husbands. And it makes me become personally accountable for my part in marriage. I don’t know, but it feels like I’m trying to “reprogram” myself here so I can be more of what God has created me to do in my life. And, by the way, I’m loving it! I wish this for all women!

      Thanks for your great exposé on romance novels!

      P.S. Upon my husband’s recommendation, we are TV-free since last month. No regrets so far.

      • Some Other Guy

        The TV-free thing is a great idea.

        I am really not anti porn or anti-romance novel. I think there is a time and a place for everything and as long as your spouse is not getting short changed while you view those diversions and if you do not substitute porn for your spouse then I can’t get too alarmed by it.

        At the risk of TMI: My wife is very pretty. I love her to death. We’ve been married over 25 years. We have sex 3-4 times per week. That’s enough for her. But it is not enough for me. I told her that I would gladly give up the porn if she kept up with my needs. It is her choice. I prefer to be with my wife tho.

        Love and marriage are a commitment, not a feeling. The committed couple DECIDE to stay together and honor each other. As we go thru our lives we are all exposed to temptation. I work around some very attractive women, some of them seem interested in me. My wife works around a lot of interesting men, some of them are interested in her. We cannot help but notice these other people and see the temptation. But it doesn’t matter if we honor our commitment to each other.

        Porn and romance novels are similarly just a side show that needs to be managed. We can never shut out all of these distractions from our lives. It’s a fools errand to try. Temptation will always be available in one form or another. Remember Soddam and Gomorrah? They had temptation way back then too. In my mind it is much more realistic to acknowledge that temptation is out there in many forms and to be open to discussing with your mate how it impacts your marriage. Use it to make your marriage stronger.

      • Catherine

        MHW,
        Glad you mentioned soap operas. :) Grew up watching ‘Days’, but soap operas’ only positive purpose might be hair, makeup, and clothing ideas. ;)

    • Some Other Guy

      You do not need to credit me. No problem Sir Guy. We all gain by sharing ideas.

      Sir Some Other Guy,
      Thanks, but this time your idea is fantastically accurate.
      Guy

      • Stephanie

        Sorry guy if I misinterpreted what you said. I thought you said women only like the after cuddles. Which is a big part of it. For women it is a heart focused act. I guess I just don’t understand how for men it isn’t? We both have the natural drive to have it. It’s just that most women won’t want to do it if they know the man has no interest in them whatsoever outside of sex. But the drive remains. That’s why so many men use lying to get sex from women. And that is why so many feminist have chosen to adopt the male attitude towards it. I guess the part that is hard to grasp is if men don’t bond through sex? Do they ever really bond? If a man is always wanting to go after every woman he see’s? How does that not affect his love for his wife? Even if he refrains from doing so. Jesus said to look to lust is already committing adultery in ones heart. Do men ever get to a point where they aren’t constantly fighting their desire to cheat on the women they claim to love? With attraction being such a huge part of what drives a man to even want to be with a woman. How can his attraction to so many women not affect the way he feels for his wife? Especially as they age? And throughout pregnancy? And also with sex being such a huge driving force for men. If they get married to have easy constant access to sex? How could a man going to a prostitute help their marriage? Doesn’t that just put his wife one step lower than a street whore in his mind? Obviously if he is willing to risk throwing his wife and family away just to have sex with the street whore.

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