For over forty years I’ve been plagued by the questioning of a former subordinate employee. I was a college dean and she an amazingly beautiful 18-year old newbie to the work force. She asked to meet privately and very innocently and seriously asked with the implication that I was old and wiser: All I want is to be happy; how do I get it? We raised three sons and no daughters, I had recently left the Navy, and I had experience with only one female employee. And anyway, men don’t think about ‘happy’. I was totally unprepared and embarrassed with nothing of consequence to offer. The predicament still stirs my memory (I even recall her name). Working with this blog I found the answer and wish I could finally convey it to her.
My original thoughts about this subject were revolutionary in expectations for marriage but reason prevailed. I offer principles and explain processes for improving both personal habits and marital results. The purpose is simply to tell women why and how to enlarge their natural deposit of happiness.
I’m sorry, but I don’t intend it as advice. You’ll have to study thoroughly and reason yourself to success. Only you can figure out what you can and should do, what you owe yourself above and beyond what you owe others. And remember this above all: Happiness is a process and not a goal. You work for it, but you never really get all you hope for.
These principles pave the endless road toward what women seek:
• Happiness comes from one’s sense of gratefulness, which is a recognizable expression of what one appreciates internally. Thus, appreciative thoughts beget gratefulness which produces elements of happiness. The more that women find ways to appreciate self, beliefs, others, and events, the more they generate an attitude of gratitude, and the smoother and more certain is their road to happiness.
• The female nature harbors a strong urge and unique talent to find happiness. The urge and talent enhance feminine mystique, female modesty, monogamous aspirations, and the rest of the feminine side of the female nature. Women are thus enabled to find appreciation where men can’t and produce gratitude that pleases the finder.
• People see an attitude of gratitude as reflective of someone’s inner spirit. However, happiness accumulates deeper inside one’s psyche and doesn’t show outwardly. A person may be happy, but it’s more of a spirit and the specific details of why escape them. In fact, if one interrogates self for the presence or cause of their happiness, the details tend to run together and morph into confusion or more questions. Ergo, happiness is more real when it’s not even thought about. It’s more process than goal.
• What you record in handwriting lingers much longer and stronger in your memory and psyche. So, keeping a handwritten journal of what you appreciate and are grateful for both reinforces your desire and strengthens your drive. Recording success redoubles effort.
• Faults and criticisms prevent finding gratitude and even squeeze gratefulness that should be obvious into irrelevance or oblivion. Negatives overpower positives by a wide margin. Women can’t just open their hearts. They have to smother negative thoughts and attitudes that reside there. New habits can smother and displace many bad habits that make relationships and especially marriage crumble before the unknowing and often unaware eyes of women.
The female heart works in deliberate ways.
• Only women can do what I describe; their hearts are sufficiently open. Men can’t do it; their nature fights against it. However, men easily learn to appreciate, encourage, support, and love a woman when she practices the art I describe below.
• Something for women to appreciate exists in everything and everyone if they but find it. The more persistently they try to uncover what are blessings to feminine eyes, the sooner and more easily they smother negative thoughts and habits with new and affirming ones.
• All women long for happiness, but many find, pay attention, and criticize the faults within themselves and others. Rather than appreciating what they like, they focus on what they don’t like. WADWMUFGAO, we all do what makes us feel good about ourselves, so such women feel good about spotlighting what they don’t appreciate, or they have either the hope or intention of making something or someone more easily appreciated. It can be fun or so many wouldn’t do it, but it makes women do U-turns on the road to happiness.
That completes mile one on the road to happiness. A woman learns and practices the art of finding blessings for her in everything and everyone she encounters.
Mile two comes next at #1809 and looks at finding happiness with herself.
I love what thirteenth century German theologian, philosopher, and mystic, Meister Eckhart, wrote: “If the only prayer you say in your life is ‘thank you,’ that would be enough.” Think about that a while. To cultivate gratitude is huge. It works transformation within your own heart and mind, banishing your negative thoughts, uplifting your spirit, and causing you to open your eyes to all that is good in your life. It spills over into your relationships with others, so that you are able to really SEE others. Your grateful spirit will rub off on others (someone has said ‘You can’t follow a definition, but you can follow an example.’). It deepens your awareness of God’s presence. Also, when we thank another person, it encourages them, stirring them to further goodness and giving. Guy, you are on target with what you say about the lingering effects of handwriting. A wonderfully centering tool is a “gratitude journal” where you write down the things to give thanks for in a day or a week. (One of my friends gave thanks even after her sewing machine broke down, recognizing that she had had the blessing of some time to sew that day.) A simple list or sentence for each item is sufficient to solidify it in your mind and also give you a history to re-read and be encouraged again. We do have to cultivate it, for a thankful spirit does not come naturally.
Your Highness Sharon,
Thank you for a delightful expression of the conenction of gratitude and female heart. It inspires me to do the best I can with the subject.
Guy
Sir Guy,
Such a beautiful post. When the tender seed of gratitude is sown in the female heart, happiness grows like a vine.
Handwritten and heartfelt thank you notes are good ways to practice gratitude, especially between women.
EDITOR’S NOTE: I RESPOND IN BOLD CAPS TO your comment in lower case. Guy
Sir Guy,
I am usually a very optimistic person and have fun doing anything from housework to exercising to driving. But lately nothing is fun and I am very pessimistic. I attribute this to three things.
1. Unclear future: I just graduated from college but I have not yet found a job that uses my degree. I feel like I am disappointing a lot of people like my parents, advisors, etc. because of this. YOU CAN’T BE RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW OTHERS FEEL ABOUT YOU. NOT ONE WOULD CLAIM YOU DISAPPOINT THEM. THEY UNDERSTAND BUT YOU DON’T RECOGNIZE THE INTENSITY OF YOUR CHARACTER FOR DOING WHAT IS RIGHT. Also I am unsure about if I will get into medical school which I have been working for throughout high school and college. KEEP TRYING. YOU CAN’T LOSE IF YOU DON’T QUIT WORKING TOWARD IT.
2. Being stressed about paying back my large loans. CONTACT CREDITORS AND TELL THEM IT’S COMING AS SOON AS YOU SETTLE DOWN WITH A JOB. THEY MAY NOT BE UNDERSTANDING BUT YOU JOIN HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS AND PERHAPS MILLIONS OF OTHERS. SHOW OFF YOUR CHARACTER BY STANDING COMMITTED TO DO RIGHT THINGS.
3. Leaving my best friends from college. THAT’S THE TOUGH ONE, BUT MATURITY DEVELOPS FASTER WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE FRIENDS ALREADY MADE RELIABLE TO LEAN ON. FROM WHAT YOU SAY ELSEWHERE, DON’T PUT BOYFRIEND IN THAT ROLE. FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO LEAN ON AND PRETTY FAST TOO.
I don’t expect that you will have the answers to my issues (although any advice is welcome). I bet many recent graduates go through the same phase and I am sure I will get over it. Today I will begin the gratitude journal that you described in multiple posts and hopefully that will help expedite the process. GOOD THINKING AND BEST WISHES WITH THE JOURNAL.
My question to you is how should I behave/ what should I say to my boyfriend if I am feeling down? FORGET YOURSELF AND WORK TO MAKE HIM FEEL GOOD ABOUT HIMSELF. TALK ABOUT YOUR ADMIRATION OF HIM. IT WILL WORK LIKE A CURE FOR YOU IF YOU CAN DO IT. I tried hiding it from him but he could tell something was wrong and assumed that I was upset with him. So then I told him what was wrong and assured him that he is wonderful and it’s just other things stressing me out. He tried to cheer me up and it worked a little but not completely. Now he is very distressed. It seems as though he considers being a good boyfriend his most important duty and if his girlfriend, me, is not happy then he is failing no matter what the reason is. He said, “You are the most important thing in my life and I can’t be happy unless you are. I have a job, I got into grad school, I take you out, I do everything I can but I still can’t make you happy. I don’t know what to do.” I don’t want him to feel bad because he really does treat me well and my stress is not his fault. What should I say/do so he doesn’t feel like he is failing at being a good boyfriend? THIS IS YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM AND TOUGHEST TO SOLVE.
BOYFRIEND EXPECTS TO SOLVE YOUR ANXIETIES. YOU KNOW IT’S NOT HIS FAULT, BUT HE CAN’T ACCEPT THAT BECAUSE OF HIS DEVOTION (YOU CALL IT LOVE). ALSO, SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY AND DUTY COMPOUND HIS DEVOTION. IF HE CAN’T PRODUCE FAVORABLE RESULTS, GUILT SETS IN.
HIS NATURE WILL STIR HIM TO ESCAPE THE GUILT, BECAUSE IT BUILDS FROM FRUSTRATION OF NOT BEING ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU. IOW, THE WORSE YOUR ANXIETIES ARE EXPRESSED TO HIM, THE SOONER THE PRESSURES WILL START TO PUSH HIM AWAY FROM YOU. I KNOW IT SOUNDS TERRIBLE AND HE MAY BE ABOVE IT, BUT HIS NATURE WILL ALL THE TIME BE UNDERMINING HIS BEST INTENTIONS.
THE SOLUTION? GO INTERNAL. TALK TO YOURSELF—OUTLOUD TOO. NOTHING NEGATIVE, THOUGH. FIND AND SPOTLIGHT OUT LOUD EVERY POSITIVE AND AFFIRMING THOUGHT, IDEA, AND CONDITION THAT FLOOD YOUR LIFE. CONFIRM AND JOURNAL ALL YOUR BLESSINGS WITH SPECIAL FOCUS THAT WHAT YOU SEE AS DISHEARTENING HAS SPECIAL BLESSING WITHIN. ONLY YOU CAN RAISE YOUR SPIRITS, SO SEEK GOD’S HELP, AND IT WILL ENABLE YOU TO UNBURDEN YOUR BOYFRIEND.
BEST WISHES,
GUY
Thanks, men are never more handsome than when they give such clear and useful advice to ladies in distress.
“YOU CAN’T BE RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW OTHERS FEEL ABOUT YOU.” Ahh so true. I never considered that it is not my responsibility to make others happy. The thing is, my desire to please others has been my motivating force for so long that I don’t know what I would do without it. I certainly would not care about getting a good job (other than to pay bills).
“KEEP TRYING. YOU CAN’T LOSE IF YOU DON’T QUIT WORKING TOWARD IT.” Words to live by! May I quote you?
“CONTACT CREDITORS AND TELL THEM IT’S COMING AS SOON AS YOU SETTLE DOWN WITH A JOB. ”
Luckily I have a 6 month grace period (just graduated 4 days ago) and graduation gift money that I can use to pay the first couple months, so I do not have to deal with angry creditors yet. Something to put in my gratitude journal! I just worry about paying it back in the long run.
“TALK ABOUT YOUR ADMIRATION OF HIM. IT WILL WORK LIKE A CURE FOR YOU IF YOU CAN DO IT”
I did this and it worked. So I will keep it up! Admiration seems to cure most problems with men. Just as a woman is disarmed by a man who genuinely expresses his opinion that she is pretty, a man is disarmed by a woman who genuinely admires him.
Your Highness Anonymous,
Of course you can quote me. The thought isn’t original and source is unknown.
Re your last sentence, I expect to quote you.
Guy