1834. Sex Difference Redux—Part 82: Conquering Men III


Theme: How to neutralize a man’s natural urge to conquer sexually attractive females that he’s not yet conquered!

Regarding sexual fidelity, the sexes are quite different. The female nature can’t accept being less than a man’s first and most obvious love; she defines his love mostly from his words and her biases about his actions. Her man’s sexual infidelity doesn’t necessarily end their relationship. Hope remains that he’s ‘recoverable’ for the sake of relationship longevity. She bases relationship decisions on the intensity of his emotional connection with someone else compared to her. If his emotional connection with another woman exceeds his bonds with her, then she’s lost out to a competitive sister female for the most promising regard and affection of her man. Their relationship becomes terminal, but women are blessed with an immense capability of rationalizing a man’s love to favor her. Consequently, if he cheats, she wants to talk.

If she cheats, he wants to walk. A man can’t or won’t tolerate cheating by a woman to whom he’s committed much less devoted. Her cheating overwhelms him as a man. It does unacceptable and irreparable-by-her damage to his sense of significance. Any admiration she previously claimed or showed him vaporizes and she loses value as a woman and all the promise she earned for both his present and future.

Women have a deeply embedded natural urge. They expect to be conquered by one man and have it symbolize ritual passage to lifetime bonding with him as father for their children. However, in testing the waters of reality, women fall prey to several conquerors, because men don’t see conquest as ritual passage and bonding. Rather, men have a deeply embedded natural urge to conquer sexually attractive females they haven’t previously conquered.

——

Consequently, the real battle of the sexes shapes up like this. Men are continually exposed to sexually attractive females who deliberately heighten their appearance as sex objects. Men can imagine sex, yes, but it doesn’t result in emotional connections—aka bonding. Women to a fault that undermines their interest think that men are like women. Not so, and women often provoke rather than discourage sexual escapades by their man.

At sight of sexually attractive females, boys and immature men imagine their studly performance and pass on (or stop to hit). Mature men entertain thoughts of having sex. Thoughts about sex may enter husband’s mind but usually pass on because of superior obligations. Husbands appreciate female beauty and pay far less attention particularly when their marriage rests on solid ground. Moreover and more important for women, such exposure to female attractiveness doesn’t have bonding effects on men. Women can see an attractive man and start the bonding process imaginatively; they can imagine love at first sight (although actually it’s not). At first sight, men don’t start bonding through their imagination, although they start the bonding process when they fall in love at first sight. (First sight’s another story at #1760.)

What women can do at first sight, it takes extended time for men to duplicate. Here’s the real threat to wives. Husband is repeatedly exposed for lengthy periods to a woman—sex or no sex involved—that makes his wife appear wanting. Competitively the wife loses in the battle of attractiveness as physical, mental, and compatible companion. She loses in the magnetic attractions of sex, likeability, mutual respect, mutual trust, admiration of him, as object of his curiosity, as stimulant (and not demander) of his imagination to accomplish things, and as admirer of who he is in life and what he is to her.

He feels better about himself around her than around his wife. Given that we all do what makes us feel good about ourselves, he finds more time and opportunity to spend time away from wife. Such exposure causes him to—much as women do—bond through his imagination until he conquers her. After that, deeper bonding fades and his interest broadens once again, perhaps even to primarily favor wife.

The starting theme at top is this: How to neutralize a man’s natural urge to conquer sexually attractive females that he’s not yet conquered! I suggest three steps:

  • Disregard and forget his wandering eyes. Hunter-conquerors are naturally attracted to moving objects. Be offended for courtesy purposes only when his eyes linger longer than a glance. His thoughts may be sexual, but they take nothing away from you. Express that you’re offended but don’t make a sexual matter of it. For example, “What does she have that I don’t? What do I lack that she doesn’t?” and do it smilingly, friendly, and purposely avoid anger and revenge. He will likely feel forced to explain something that he can’t describe well without offending you, so after a few such incidents he will gently and slowly change his habit away from staring (but not glancing at moving objects).
  • Even if married for 25 years, you remain in competition with sister females. If you don’t worry about keeping husband’s emotional connection, you’re a fool. If you do worry, you need a makeover in physical attractiveness at least and conscientious review of these things: your success in bed, your likeability as steady companion, mutual respect and trust*, your admiration of him, you as object of his curiosity, you as deserver of his pleasing you, and you as stimulant of his imagination to accomplish things to earn female admiration. (If there is another woman, forget her. Work on yourself.)
  • Trust, trust, and trust that he knows what’s best for him and your relationship. If he has nothing of you to live up to, he’ll too easily fall for your competitor. If he has an opportunity to cheat, only disappointing you or himself will make him retreat from it.

The sexes are vastly different regarding explosive issues that surround sex and fidelity. Wives especially benefit by allowing for natural inclinations in husband and taking advantage of principles that tend to discourage unfaithfulness. No one can do it perfectly, but odds favor success when she has a plan to prevent rather than a plan for how she will recover or immediately toss him down the drain.

——

*Depicted beautifully in Victorian stories, such as Masterpiece’s current Downton Abbey and the earlier Upstairs Downstairs. Notice that the characters demonstrate this back and forth cause and effect between people: Trust earns respect, which returns as trust, which amplifies further respect, which builds greater trust. The result is less offense, antipathy, and unlikeable people and more respectable and likeable characters. Of course its fiction, but the playwrights copy beneficial principles of the well-civilized life.

14 Comments

Filed under sex differences

14 responses to “1834. Sex Difference Redux—Part 82: Conquering Men III

  1. Anm...

    IMO,What you are saying is DRESSING SEXY is a DEAD END because you will NEVER get his heart that way, but dressing FEMININE&PRETTY is. People need to tell teens to STAY OUT OF ABERCROMBE and FITCH stores..LOL

    Your Highness Anm…,
    Yes, that’s right. Dressing sexy may capture a man of choice for sex. However, dressing sexy makes a woman look like all the others, because females have one asset in common for male satisfaction. Men accept sex from most any source, but they marry a woman that’s uniquely different and independent of other women plus she has many traits best exhibited by femininity.
    Guy

  2. Emma

    Mr. Guy – awesome post, it made me lol… In regards to bullett 2; long term relationships do become stagnant at some point- how can wife still hold husbands attention and curiosity? I am sure he (husband) doesn’t pay as close attention of wife – but how can one drive his imagination, even after a long time as couples.

    Your Highness Emma,
    You focus your efforts on making yourself feel good about yourself in ways that make him feel good about himself. Also, you find ways to help him make himself feel good about himself. After decades of marriage, prevent both boredom and irritants from arising so you don’t have to recover from marital monotony, hurt feelings, and damaged egos. Love and words help, but consistency of mutual dependence helps more. Phrased more directly, women are born with the unique talent for sustaining their relationship, so follow your instinct and lessons learn earlier in life with him.
    Guy

  3. Boomer Babe

    Well it seems like many of those old school baptists may have been RIGHT 40 years ago Anm about women in pants. Its defeminizing in the long run and forces guys to look at body parts more than they did already

  4. Lisette

    Mr. Guy,
    well thought out post, thank you. I am seeking some advice and help on a similar matter.
    my husband went out of his way to get an extended period of alone time with a young lady, a former student of his. he developed a crush on her, and later he confessed it to me. i don’t think he would have confessed if it had not been for a serious family incident that occurred immediately after. i am, of course, devastated. it has been 6 months, and it is still so raw. i feel like i can’t talk to anyone about it, but i don’t know how to get over it without input. i have resisted the urge to tell family. i know that the short term gratification is not worth what it would cost me relationally with my husband.
    it was especially insulting because we had been having an upturn in our relationship from red pill blogs; an increase in attraction, more sex, a shared intrest in male/female interactions.
    the most difficult part is that he still has contact with her in a professional advisory role, and I think he still has affection for her. i am afraid he only stays with me because we are married and he wants to do the right thing. what can i do to get over this, and not sabotage the relationship?
    i have been dieting, exercising, trying to be more femininee in my appearance.

    Your Highness Lisette,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    Your marriage is unstable and you are already doing what is best, so continue to believe in yourself and him as a successful couple. You describe nothing to indicate his diversion is likely to be permanent. Not disclosing your situation to family or anyone else is very astute and will help in the long run.

    Pray a lot and forgive him and her in your heart but don’t reveal it to him. If you tell him he’s forgiven, he’ll not then feel any need to earn his way back into your heart. Forgiveness releases him to ignore changing for you and to just move on in life with you. That leaves you vulnerable to his cheating again.

    I suggest that you become more mysterious in his eyes. Go silent about his cheating, the other woman, and his work when it can be seen as any interest in her. Don’t inquire about what’s he’s doing and don’t be too explanatory about what you’re doing. Kind of withdraw without regret, revulsion, or revenge showing. Be the nice, quiet, attractive, compliant girl that he married. Be pleasant but provide minimum feedback when he inquires about your mysterious manner. Don’t blame him, the other woman, or anyone else or thing. Keep all judgments and heartfelt aches and pains to yourself.

    Don’t complain and don’t explain. Avoid accusations and opening the subject. The objective is to arouse his curiosity about you and fire up his imagination to see what an attractive and respectable woman you are compared to the other women in his life. In essence make yourself a woman that he wants to court as if it’s the first time but within your living together. When he begins courting you again, don’t change as if he’s returned exclusively to you. Make him earn your affection, trust, and respect pleasantly over a few or more months. Welcome him back very gently but slowly. End the issue forever by disclosing that you forgive him his weakness.

    Above all, don’t ever revert back to the woman you were before he cheated.

    NOTE: For other women and you if he cheats again. Cut off all sex immediately and then proceed with all that appears above. I also suggest you study the articles in the CONTENTS page listed under “Sex Difference Redux” that have cheater, love, dignity, and happiness in the title.

    Guy

    • Thank you for your quick and thorough response. I will endeavor to be more mysterious, and to pray more about the matter.
      Right away, I forgave him, and I told him so. He cut off contact on the advice of 2 male friends and my request. I was hurt, but satisfied.
      But then he friended her on facebook, and I suspect he is pursuing further connection/ communications. I doubt his sincerity to me about it being over her and generally feel I can’t trust him. I don’t even know if he knows how I feel, but like you said, I don’t want to bring it up. Do you have any other advice for me?

      Your Highness Lisette,
      Only that you forgave him too soon. It released him to continue. I suggest no more forgiveness until you see months or years of ACTIONS that display his return to you exclusively.
      Guy

  5. Avid Follower in NYC

    Hi Guy, this is my first time posting, but I have been “cruising” with you and the other ladies on your blog for over 3 years. Thank you for your time, wisdom and dedication. Most especially thank you for the truth.

    My question pertains to the first bullet above, where you say if you catch his eye wandering or staring too long at another woman, to ask him “What does she have that I don’t have” (in a pleasant manner). Wouldn’t this indicate to him a lack of respect, confidence or dignity for one’s self? With respect being the most important ingredient for a relationship with a man.

    Most women know (or think they know) how they stack up against their competition. If his eye wanders to another woman, we will evaluate her based on our own insecurities, ie. she has bigger boobs than me, is younger, thinner, etc. In asking the question, we run the risk of having that confirmed by the man in our life. It seems to put both, the man and woman in a lose, lose situation. I know for me, my pride would kick in and I would never be able to ask that question. Even though I do think it would be the right thing to do to make him aware some how of our discomfort in this situation.

    Thanks again for the work you are doing and as always I look forward to your insight on these matters.

    All the best,
    from NYC

    Your Highness Avid Follower in NYC,

    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    First, you misinterpreted. A man’s glance at a moving object is natural. I suggest using the question only when his glance turns to a stare or he lingers too long for your comfort. If you feel using my phrases might discredit or demean you, then don’t use them. Find something else that lets him know your self-respect has been challenged, but do so without claiming it or accusing him. In effect, let his curiosity and imagination figure out what he did wrong. (He’ll change his behavior ONLY when it’s his idea.)

    IMHO, “What does she have that I don’t?” or “What do I lack that she doesn’t?” tugs gently at his conscience. Here’s another option, “Have I lost your interest in me?” Note that it keeps the blame on your side of the table.

    You have to figure out how, but you should train every man that lingering or staring at another woman in your presence is unacceptable. Men know it’s wrong, but they are inclined to do whatever they can get away with. They have to be taught that your self-respect dominates all situations when you’re together.

    Guy

    • Avid Follower in NYC

      Sir Guy, I am honored you chose to respond to my very first posting.

      Your response gives me much food for thought.

      A response to a man with an extended wandering eye or stare such as “Eyes front and center”, would probably be a no, no (LOL). Even with a giggle and a wink thrown in to soften it? I would guess I am wandering into drill sergeant territory? Best to avoid giving orders to a man, would you agree?

      I have loved your blog because so much of what you say sounds like advise from my own parents. As children of the depression, immigrants from Ireland and devout Catholics, they did not say much about sex. My Dad’s one and only piece of advise on the subject was, “Men always respect women who preserve their virginity”. Mom’s advise on men was, “never let them see you sweat, never let them have the upper hand, men are all after only one thing (sex), therefore no sex before marriage.” My Mom passed away two years ago, some of her advise (and a passive father) have left me with fear and distrust towards men, which I am hopefully in the process of recovering from. As you say Sir Guy, it is all about recovery and your blog has helped me greatly.

      Thanks again, respectfully yours,
      in NYC

      Your Highness Avid Follower in NYC,
      That you even think about “Eyes front and center” convinces me you missed the essence of my previous response. Check it again about stirring his curiosity and imagination.
      Guy

      • Avid Follower in NYC

        Sir Guy, in that situation, my first response is humor (or at least what I believe to be humor). I understand it may not translate the same way to a man in this situation and may actually be offensive to him. The result would be opposite of what I wanted (stopping the behavior). My other response might be, “Well she is very pretty, but you are lucky enough to be with the prettiest woman in the room, the party, on the street, or where ever”. Said sweetly and with a smile and moving on quickly to some other topic. How might a man interpret that response?

        At the moment when something like that does happen I feel very vulnerable and would prefer to feel confident and respond to a man in a way that exhibits that ( at least from my point of view). It may come across differently to a man.

        If I understand you correctly, my response must stir a man’s conscious (indirectly) to conclude (for himself) that he should change his behavior and I need to find a way to do it that does not compromise myself, yet, not directly accuse him of bad behavior.

        All the best (and somewhat perplexed :)
        in NYC

        Your Highness Avid Follower in NYC,

        Ah, ha! I perceive where we differ. You say, “stopping the behavior.” He senses that you expect him to stop, it becomes like an order, he resents or worse, and you become less interesting. In this situation, humor comes across as teasing at best or masculine mockery at worst, neither of which men like or can appreciate.

        Your objective should be to smilingly make him conclude that he’s vulnerable to losing your interest in him. If your husband stares at other women, you are probably too late to change him. However, by using the same tactic I suggest, but doing it much more smilingly and non-judgmentally, you may find success if he concludes that he wants to please you. Also, allow many instances because he will change an old habit slowly if at all.

        Guy
        P.S. The subject does not call for humor. It’s out of place except to assuage your hurt. Trying to use it signifies that you lack self-confidence and self-respect.
        G.

        • anonymous

          Men love to tease but don’t like to be teased. Why? Isn’t good-humored teasing a form of attention? I like to be teased.

          Your Highness Anonymous,

          Teasing both pleases women with attention and challenges them to compete with men. Teasing men strikes at one dislike and two fears:
          • She picks the subject to tease with and he dislikes any attention that could be mocking and that he doesn’t initiate.
          • A tease hits him as invitation to compete and men don’t compete mentally with women for fear of losing.
          • He fears insignificance, especially as sensed by his woman, and he fears her sense of it might be hidden in her tease.

          Teasing makes women prettier because they smile big and bigger. Admiring men makes them bond better with a woman, and indirectness pays off. For example, frequently find ways to complete this sentence: Men are never more handsome than when they … ! (Something that pleases her.) It has an effect similar to teasing women.

          Guy

        • Cocoa

          Hi Sir Guy,

          Just a quick one here on the P.S. above. Can you please clarify more on ‘Humor’ and self-respect/confidence. I believe you are referring to; If for example I joke or call for humor when the subject is serious then I lose respect.

          However, if I have a natural sense of humor, love laughing and easy to smile female, I hope that does not affect my self respect or confidence.

          I am asking and a bit worried now, (as I trust your views and comments so much) as I am perceived at home with husband, children and siblings and also at work that I am funny, easy going and sometimes have a bitter sense of humor that’s when I want to point at an issue indirectly. I hope I could be all of that and still maintain my respect and confidence.

          Many thanks in advance.

          Your Highness Cocoa,

          I don’t think you’re talking about husband staring at a passing female but about your interactions in general. So….

          You’re looking at the wrong people re your impact on them with your humor. Look to yourself. They already know who and what you are, love or don’t love you for it, and so you have nothing you can do except….

          Pay attention to your own self-respect. If it remains intact, you’ve done well. If you feel you’ve lost some self-respect, do better the next time. Don’t smother yourself with criticism, just repeat self-talk that you will do better (and totally without regard with how they will perceive you). You’re a well-established, responsible, and adjusted adult. The only time you’re wrong is when YOUR self-respect takes a hit.

          In the long view of life, your being respectable, which is well established, is more important than your being respecting at one particular instant when your humor may be misunderstood.

          Guy

  6. Cocoa

    Thanks Sir Guy,

    My self respect is intact. I refuse and avoid anything or anyone that tries to hit on this. I have invested almost my lifetime for this self respect and have very well gained it from my husband (trust and respect) my children and my colleagues.

    You know Guy, without Jesus in my life, without Jesus’ life influencing my life I would be nowhere. Always looking up to Him trying to please HIM above all.

    But as you said if something I said or done that could be misinterpreted I shall work on it and learn.

    Oh, almost forgot. If someone – at work – called me arrogant (and I hate this as I am not) and my response was “Don’t you DARE call me this again as I am not ….” Is that a bit harsh? Is that perceived as not feminine?

    Thanks again.

    Your Highness Cocoa,

    No, not too harsh and they deserve your response. However, just as they had done, you gave up your stature as respectable person.

    A better and more influential response might be to smile slightly, stare a moment in their eyes, walk away, and ignore them in the future except when work requires otherwise. Even then give them zero feedback about your opinion of who and what they are. Your self-respect remains more intact when you swallow your reactions with grace.

    Don’t show that you’re offended; it tells them they are right. Zero feedback springs open their conscience, which is the best and perhaps only source for them to change their mind or treat you more respectfully.

    Guy

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