1937. Delay the First Kiss


Peach Blossoms posed these questions at article 1228: “How does a woman strike a balance between keeping him interested and not letting him become discouraged if he can’t get to the first kiss? How to defer it without making him feel like she might be leading him on?” My response grew.

Your Highness Peach Blossoms,

You focus on the negatives so drop that mindset. You worry that you’ll do something wrong. We all make mistakes and that’s why recovery is everything. Also, don’t look for balance, let it arrive naturally.

Try a different slant on life. Your attitude will be weighed by a man because it reflects what’s in your heart. The more nonsexual attention, admiration, respect, and gratitude you express to and about a man, the more your heart becomes programmed to sincerely reflect your feelings about him. He wants to see your love, not hear about it.

  • Primarily it works like this. Your words about him program your heart. Your actions influence his heart and convince his mind. His actions that please you program his heart toward devotion. Unfortunately, loving and loveable words about your love merely increase your self-centeredness. A man doesn’t need to hear about your love for him; he becomes convinced as he hears your appreciation of who he is and what he does.
  • A man easily respects an unconquered woman who has the self-respect to resist his appeals for sex. She earns respect by apparently living up to something more important. Her resistance helps promote his determination to mate with her because resistance and sincerity promote the promise of her faithfulness. It also makes first kiss much less important. If he sees promise that she can enhance his life, he can wait longer without it weakening his interest.
  • You have standards. So, make them plain, don’t complain, and don’t explain. When you complain, you blame and no guy wants to hear it; he instinctively rejects guilt. When you explain, you weaken your own standards, show lack of self-respect, display lack of self-confidence, and otherwise make yourself appear less respectable. It’s not good because a man’s love is founded on respect for women generally and one in particular.
  • Avoid deep personal matters but show friendly attention, wonder, respect, and gratitude for who he is as a unique person, handy man, and powerful achiever in both job and leisure pursuits. However, praise only what you want to see more of. Don’t verbalize about the undesirable but use it to determine if he’s really the one for you.
  • Find laughter to defer seriousness, pay attention to him as a friend rather than potential lover, and make yourself so appealing in his company that he wants to be with you instead of somewhere else. His devotion grows from his actions to please you. (Complaints about his absences work directly against you. You’re saying he’s inadequate and he rejects the guilt by turning his eyes elsewhere.)
  • But don’t try too hard and overdo it. Be yourself and act feminine. Indirectness sells you better. Respond to his nonsexual initiatives affirmatively. Respond to his sex-slanted initiatives with Whoa and No in the air but not verbalized until essential to get him to stop or change. Forget your soft-hearted nature and put your hard-headed nature to work indirectly and as subtle as practicable. Hard-to-get is greatly undersold. Resistance to yielding is the primary method for a female to earn male respect, because a man infers so readily that she is and would continue to be faithful to him.
  • Make it your standard to provide as little feedback as possible when your expectations are not respected. The more feedback you provide, the more judgmental he becomes with the new info. The less feedback you provide on negative issues, the more mysterious you become.
  • First kiss leads to a faster conquest. So, all delays help you control the premarital agenda. While trying to find what makes you tick and what rounds your heels for conquest, a guy learns about your character, the potential you possibly hold for his future, and the promise he sees in you as his mate. The longer and deeper he has to dig to find what will finally roll you into his bed, the more his appreciation morphs into promise of you as his mate.

Finally, be aware that men don’t act like women act.

  1. When a man conquers a woman, he doesn’t bond. He already knows enough about her and so he changes. He stops trying to find out who she is and what promise she might hold for him. He has less interest, and so he quits delving deeper into her heart and mind. He quits ferreting out what dwells within her and his respect for her peaks. If not devoted to her by that time, he’s less likely to spend his life with her.
  2. Men don’t need and often don’t want the love and loving that women crave. While they are emotional creatures, they think and act more on facts than feelings. They keep their feelings to themselves. It’s not your love and loving that captures or holds a man; it’s the promise he visualizes as the result of your actions much more than your words.

Guy

16 Comments

Filed under courtship

16 responses to “1937. Delay the First Kiss

  1. Some Other Guy

    Sir Guy says — “A man easily respects an unconquered woman who has the self-respect to resist his appeals for sex. She earns respect by apparently living up to something more important. Her resistance helps promote his determination to mate with her because resistance and sincerity promote the promise of her faithfulness. –

    Very good point Sir Guy. Many women do not understand how important this is. Resisting really works to generate a man’s respect and desire. It is a tough balancing act. The guy will be frustrated and If he has enough options with other women, you might indeed lose him. But that would mean that he was not that committed to you to begin with. Better to find this out early than after years of investing in him.

    • Lyndeeloo

      I’ve been seeing a man and–though it’s too early to tell for sure–my experience so far would seem to lend credence to this idea.

      He has tried to move things along a couple of times and I have firmly kept my boundaries. I’ve done so in a way that communicates (or at least, I think it does) that though I respect his interest/desire, I am not going there. Every time I protect a boundary, I have the thought, “this might really discourage him, but…oh, well. It’s my boundary.” To my surprise, instead of shutting down, he seems to be continuously MORE intrigued.

      During a conversation during one of our dates, he said something to this effect: “The communication is moving alot faster than I’m used to and the physical aspect is moving much slower than I’m used to.”

      I said, “Oh? What do you mean?”

      And he said, “Let’s just say that you’re doing a good job guarding those bases and you can keep guarding them as long as you need to.”

    • Peach Blossoms

      Thank you for highlighting that, Some Other Guy. I venture that it can be hard for women to believe it even if told (by some rare men) how very important it is. Women get conflicting advice and IMO, the most confusing one says that she should sleep with a man when she “feels comfortable”. I think that just lulls a woman into rationalising her decision and to comfort herself that she didn’t sleep with a man “too early”. Whereas not giving in will show her what he’s really after, as you pointed out, and Sir Guy always maintains.

      • Some Other Guy

        @Peach. I am very familiar with this one because, in my dating years, I scored my share of easy girls. The way it works is that a man will keep moving things along towards sex until you stop him. It’s not necessarily negative that you do stop him. I mean, we are men, we want sex and all. But we don’t want to get involved in a relationship with a pushover.

        Shortly after I met my the girl who would become my wife, she told me that she was a virgin. Talk about an OMG moment for me. It forced me to reconsider everything about my intentions towards her. I realized that I was going to have to focus my energy on courting her instead of focusing on bedding her. She really didn’t have to “do” anything to change my behavior towards her after that. ONce I realized that she respected herself to want to save her sexuality for Mr. Right, I knew I had to change tactics. It’s hard to explain but it made me want to live up to her expectations. I didn’t press her for sex as hard as before. I just couldn’t be cavalier about something that was so precious. She was saving this gift for Mr. Right. Would I be THE ONE GUY who was more worthy than all the others?

        We’ve now been married for 25+ years.

  2. Peach Blossoms

    Thank you, Sir Guy. Your response helped me to see how I tend to think myself into a cul-de-sac sometimes which makes me doubt my own ability to judge situations and expectations.
    I’ve heard many observations elsewhere about the natures of men and women which have some truth but are very cynical and don’t provide guidance on how to navigate the pressures of relating to each other. Reading WWNH really fills many gaps in my understanding – I still feel surprised by how differently men think from what I think they think. (Though I hope to get a little wiser in this respect.)
    And I want to add that after reading your posts on infidelity, I was able to understand why one celebrity couple broke up. Before, it would have remained a mystery to me why they stayed together after a scandal involving the wife but spilt up a few years later over a seemingly innocuous incident – except to the husband, that is. The underlying thought processes you described were at work.

    Your Highness Peach Blossoms,

    You seem to be very young and I may be reading too much into your comment. I’ve wanted to express the following for some time, so please take no offense if you are not vulnerable to what I describe.

    I have a suggestion for you. Teach yourself to pay no attention to celebrities for these reasons.

    • You can’t resist comparing boyfriend or husband to celebrities you admire. It’s the female nature. You wish your man was more like them, which means he comes up short all the time in your mind, which means your heart will follow. It’s not long before you discover he’s not as great as you thought earlier. Your happiness sinks from lack of gratitude for him. You start to think about and look at other men with new interest.

    • More importantly, you can’t resist imitating or comparing yourself to likeable celebrities. It’s the female nature. However, you inevitably come up short and your self-esteem takes a hit, self-image fades, self-worth drops, and self-confidence pales. You try to recover by doing better at copying someone else, all done with results that never satisfy you very long. And so, you search for other celebrity inspirations based on popularity, talent, style, behavior, or whatever else you find attractive. The game continues with you satisfied less and less. In the end, celebrity worship paves the road to misery until you find satisfaction in who and what you are and find it all within yourself.

    I suggest you teach yourself to shape your self-appreciation around the character of people of merit who gain the good life without stardom. Don’t know anyone like that? I suggest you more deeply analyze, find merit for which you can be grateful, and learn to appreciate the people around you: parents, grandparents, teachers, siblings, admirable friends, bosses, pastors, doctors, ….

    The road to happiness is paved with the gratefulness you find in your life. You may find fun and games but not self-gratitude in celebrity worship.

    Guy

    • Peach Blossoms

      Oh, I wondered if that would come up. Allow me to qualify now: I’m not a fan of theirs or celebrities in general. They just came to mind as the most obvious and least personal example I could recall. My point was more to express that what I read about here appears to be borne out by other people’s experiences as well. Intended as a compliment to your wise observations. Went a bit astray.

      Your Highness Peach Blossoms,
      No, not astray. Thanks. Your comment enabled me to express something about human nature that I’ve wanted to mention for quite a while.
      Guy

      • boomer babe

        IMO,, most modern celebrities or CELEBS are TOTALLY CLASSLESS!! IT WOULD do GOOD if the millenial generation would just STOP FOLLOWING THEM..from the Kartrashians, Cyrus, etc. .. The age of Diana Ross Jimmy Stewart and even Sidney Poitier is OVER… Leo Di Caprio???!!…PLEASE!

  3. boomer babe

    ‘Men don’t need or crave the affection or love women do”
    This is what i’m trying to tell many of these young girls about. I’ve noticed that many are NOT getting any affection in public–he barely holds her hand much less puts arm around shoulder…. some of these kids are LISTENING, but others sadly are getting it from FEMALES which is ANOTHER problem altogether!

  4. Bella

    Dear Guy. Can you please share your thoughts with me on what I’m about to say? I would so very much appreciate it.

    OK…

    Someone very dear to me, and a very sweet and genuine person… a woman… has been in a relationship with a man for almost 8 years. He has been married twice before, and tells her ~ only when *she* brings up the subject of marriage ~ that he will marry her eventually, but it’s always “when I get —– finished.”

    (such as finishing building his boat, finishing doing the veranda on his house, etc.)

    Then there’s the fact she has two daughters dependent on her and that’s an issue to him.

    However, when things get finished there’s still not a sign of a ring or a proposal! He also has indicated that he doesn’t like the idea of taking on her two daughters as “a package deal.”

    But countless other men in relationships have no problem doing this.

    Furthermore, being the mother of two young adult children (one can’t work due to an anxiety condition, and the other makes a minimal wage,) my friend has to work up to 6 full days a week to put food on the table, to pay all the bills, and to keep a roof over their heads.

    As for her future “fiance,” he’s retired (he’s more than a decade older than her,) and lives in a large comfortable home, owns a nice big boat (the one that he built,) and drives an expensive four~wheel drive.

    As for how he spends his week, he basically spends his days pottering around his house, swimming and sunbathing on the beach, and boating when the weather is good.

    As for my friend, she *struggles* on a day to day basis, and has been the whole time they’ve been together, and has to work hard.

    For example: Over half of her wage goes on rent (she lives in a very basic flat,) then there’s a large weekly car repayment, along with groceries for her and her two daughters, and the usual costs of living.

    She needs a decent and reliable car, as well, because her work requires her to drive two hours each day in commuting back and forth.

    Anyway…

    A few times over the last few years my friend has turned to me to loan her rent money. I have done this happily in the past, with no expectations of her paying it back.

    But this time I felt that I had to say no, partly because I feel that it’s her boyfriend’s place to help her and he should start helping her!

    Isn’t that what a true man would do? And wouldn’t a loving man in a comfortable position like he is offer himself to do that?

    Unfortunately, however, my friend’s boyfriend isn’t the kind of man my friend feels free to ask for such help. He has always been stingy when it comes to money, and basically my friend is too afraid to ask him for a loan.

    When I suggested to her to ask him and to start expecting he will help her, she told me that if she asks him to help her, not only will he get angry at her, he will look down on her, and give her the vibe that she’s pathetic and incapable.

    He’s done that before.

    She also said to me that he would refuse to help her, and in all the time they’ve been together he has only helped her out a few times, and only with smallish things.

    He has said to her in the past, “Sorry but you need to work out a way to do that yourself.”

    Naturally I was gobsmacked at that statement.

    Here’s another thing…

    When my friend had cancer, and was going through chemotherapy, she still went to work every single day, and he never once offered to help lighten her load then, or assist her so she could take at least a day or two off.

    On her own she couldn’t afford to take a day off ~ not a single day ~ and she obviously felt she had no choice in the matter because who would pay the rent and bills then?

    Meanwhile, her future fiancee was living his “bachelor lifestyle” as I refer to it (he only ever sees her one day and night on the weekend,) and like he always has.

    Moreover, he never once did what a true man would do ~ at the very least, offering to pay a week or two’s rent for her, or helping her out to take some of the load off her.

    As I said she never could take a single day off when she was going through chemotherapy.

    I’m very disheartened by this less than ideal relationship. Heck, Ill even go a far as saying that it’s an unfairly unbalanced and woeful relationship in reality, and a tragic situation for a good woman like her to be in.

    It grieves me so much to see this caring and amazing woman still choosing to be with this man (albeit once a week,) and obviously clinging on to the relationship hopes of him proposing to her.

    If my friend has been in a relationship with a man for almost 8 whole years, and there has been no ring or real marriage proposal, I also have to worry because it’s just not right that he doesn’t want to make an honest woman of her, and look after her.

    She’s basically like a single woman and a single mother!! And if my friend can’t turn to and approach her so~called future fiancee to ask him for help her when she needs it, then what’s he going to be like if she marries him?

    I think he’s a CAD for choosing to turn a blind eye to her daily struggle. He clearly doesn’t care about her enough, and she needs to wake up to this fact, and summon the dignity to walk away.

    Furthermore, when she recently asked him what would happen to her, in regards to having a place to live after he passes away (he’s quite a bit older than her,) he said he would be dividing his assets up equally between his children and grandchildren.

    (And implied ~ without really saying it directly ~ that she would get a portion too.)

    Furthermore, when she asked about where she would go then, as a widow and probably a lot older (she’s 43 now,) he said he could put a deposit on a house, and she could keep working and pay the mortgage off.

    As I said she’s 43 yrs old, and her whole adult life has been about working, struggle and effort. She has never made enough to save either.

    My friend deserves so much better don’t you agree? And a lifestyle and marriage where she’s not forced to keep working for decades to come!!

    PS; Today she told me that when she was over at his house today she was so stressed and preoccupied about not being able to pay the next week’s rent that she could barely speak today.

    He could clearly see that she was upset and preoccupied, and when she explained she was feeling a little stressed today, he never asked why. In the end she said to him, “I think I’m going to go,” and he walked her to the door, not inquiring any further!

    He would have been well aware it was about money as well. That’s because the whole time he’s been with her he’s been aware how she’ struggles to make ends meet.

    Moreover, yesterday she mentioned to him that the yearly fee for her car registration was due, and she didn’t know how she was going to pay it. So he would have known.

    What would you say to her if she was your dear friend? Thank you in advance.

    PS: I also brought up to her the fact that seeing each other only one day a week equates to just 4 times a month. I can’t help but wonder what her boyfriend is doing the remaining 24-26 days of the month.

    Your Highness Bella,
    What would I say if she were by dear friend? Just this. “We all make mistakes. That’s why recovery is everything.” I would then support whatever efforts she undertakes to escape and forget her self-admonishments.
    Guy

    • Some Other Guy

      Bella, I think the days of men doing the honorable thing and marrying their girlfriends are over. Men get cheated on by their wives and then are expected to pay outrageous sums of alimony, just because some judge thinks it’s right. The ex wife will be hosting her new boyfriend in the house that the man is paying for. The courts assume that all men will be multi millionaires and make the pay and pay until it hurts. It doesn’t matter if he loses his job or gets hurt and cannot work anymore. The court doesn’t care. He will be thrown in jail for failure to pay. There simply is very little reason for men to marry these days. And in fact marriage is a very grave risk to a man’s financial future.

      Lest you think I am some bitter old divorced man. Not true. Been happily married 25+ years. But in today’s legal climate I would never marry unless my wife to be made more money than me.

    • Sy

      Bella, it would appear that if you had the power you would force this man to cough up some cash to assist your friend. You seem more concerned with improving her lifestyle than helping her understand what the real issues are. Freely she entered the relationship freely she can leave it.

      “My friend deserves much better…” what makes her deserve much better than the rest of us…? why is she -entitled- to something better than others have…? This is partly the reason for a lot of heartache and headache in the world today. This sense of entitlement. Nobody deserves anything. Get over it..! we are all sinners on a sinful planet. Life is unfair. That is a fact. Learn to accept it and deal with it.

      “Isn’t that what a true man would do?” “…A loving man would do?” “He never did what a true man would do”… Tell me Bella, what is a true man…? What would a true man do…? It appear this particular man is being true to himself. If your friend can live under these condition then she should vow not to mention money to him again and wear a smile when in his company… even if its only skin deep. If she can’t live by his rules then by all mean she should gather up her dignity and retreat.

      Start from where she is. She needs to work hard to stay afloat…? good. One daughter is sick…? Use the time spent lamenting and chasing the old guy to research a cure for the anxiety issue. Start an exercise program with her daughters that doesn’t involve spending money. Hint hint, don’t buy drugs. Clean up her diet, in fact not just hers, all need to eat more organics fruit and vegs, take an -all natural- supplement, like Dr. Schulze superfood or green vibrance. This will help both body and mind. I hate to know that so many people are suffering in this world today because of ignorance. Oh, and one last thing. Get rid of your tv. There is absolutely nothing good on tv. Finally, if you believe in God, pray…!

      Sir Sy,
      I love it when another man joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.
      Guy

      • My Husband's Wife

        Dear Bella.

        This all ties into improving your friend’s own self-respect which it sounds like is lacking…and Sy outlined possibilities for her “recovery” as Sir Guy mentions from her self-induced woes. Also, another main key in this recovery is gratefulness for whatever a woman DOES have. A friend can help shift her focus on life in that positive direction. Sometimes people do get stuck and can’t see any other possibilities.

        The bottom line: the man is behaving as he does to your friend because he is allowed to. He’s getting everything he wants out of the relationship with her so there is little incentive for him to change at this point.

        Also…as strange as this may sound: some people as much as they complain, do not want to change from their situation. You can present them with better choices as they inquire, but ultimately when they make excuses why they can’t do something better, it means they like where they’re at. Hey, they get others to listen to them and feel sorry for them! If they didn’t have their poor situation, they’d fear losing their source attention-getting. So as a friend to her, you may have to decide how much “help” you’re willing to give that is beneficial to her and doesn’t drain you in the process.

  5. great axioms of truth!
    Do wish I would have delayed that first kiss. Like one father stated,” It all starts with the kissing” One thing I promised myself was to save myself for that *one* guy in the marriage.

    ~surfercajun
    wife to R. J.
    mom of 3
    domestic home creator
    25 years this August :o)

  6. Brown_eyes

    Hi Mr. Guy!
    Would you advise a lady to have her first kiss with a man until she is officially his girlfriend, or is it fine to have the first kiss before the title?

    Your Highness Brown_eyes,

    If she won’t kiss but expects a man’s exclusive faithfulness, what else will she expect for nothing? If she doesn’t think that kissing is essential for her likeability, what else will be held back IF their relationship grows?

    In the male mind, pre-conquest kissing releases the fantasy of having sex and triggers his advance into foreplay. To the female mind trying to capture a boyfriend, she expects to extend herself with great promise—e.g., erotic kissing—of what is yet to come but expects to withhold conquest except on her schedule. Thus, the first kiss commences the sex battle of the sexes. The more erotic she makes their first kissing, the sooner he forgets her in favor of sex and the more eagerly he proceeds into breaking down her resistance.

    As to your question, it matters to him: kiss before obligation. However, if you study the spirit of Virtual Virginity and Boot Camp for Girls,* you will see that kissing is like many other things. Start with innocent kisses, slowly let his emotional significance to you grow over time, and save your erotic kisses until he earns them with actions that indicate devotion to you rather than to conquest. That is, use kisses to get what you want tomorrow rather than excitement today. The more drawn out the courting process and longer it takes to convince you of his sincerity, the more likely that he becomes devoted to you rather than just aims to have sex with you.

    Finally, there is no right answer to your question. There is only your determination of how you will handle yourself as his expectations increase for bedtime with you. His pressure starts quite naturally from the first kiss if it is more than just a peck.

    Guy

    *Both are series listed in the CONTENTS page at blog top.
    G.

  7. Brown_eyes

    Thank you Mr. Guy! You are the best!! :D

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