1956. Nagging


Her Highness Emma at post 1955 said this. “We need love and constant reminder that I “wife” is the most important person in His life. Somewhere this was lost and the wife becomes the nagging wife trying to get her hubby to show appreciation.” She is right on both counts. My response is to try anything and everything to avoid nagging.

Nagging flows out of the natural motivational differences between the sexes. A woman’s prime motivation in life is to earn a sense of self-importance and she expects input from others to confirm it. Married, she expects primary confirmation from husband. When she figures that he takes her for granted, she cannot live with the uncertainty and so she obligates herself to do something.

Husband seeks self-admiration just as wife seeks self-importance. But husband depends on his accomplishments and internal confirmation whereas wife looks for external confirmation. His accomplishment with marriage is that he earned her. He figures that case is closed. He is obligated to achieve elsewhere in order to produce, provide, protect, and problems solve for his family. That is, fulfill those and other missions in life, among which are his R&R habits of relaxation.

She chooses nagging as the way to fulfill obligations to herself. She feels good doing it, for vengefully expressing her hurt. He hears messages of disapproval that are disconnected from his missions in life. If he is not appreciated, then he is not respected and she is not grateful for him. His sense of duty makes him want to please her; her nagging eats away as that sense of duty. Eventually, he braces up inside, turns to his inner strength, and does not care what she thinks. In parallel, her worth to him diminishes.

He may not leave her but nagging easily leads to living separate lives under the same roof. Wife may adjust to it, but in the long run it is worse than being taken for granted and harder to recover from.

When her irresistible force of wanting him to change meets his immovable object of men do not change to please a conquered woman, something has to give and relationship harmony usually falls first.

His taking her for granted has roots in his acceptance of her excellence. Her nagging has roots in retaliation and revenge sponsored by hurt. Which works best to promote harmony?

7 Comments

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7 responses to “1956. Nagging

  1. Emma

    Mr. Guy -

    The last 3 paragraphs are perfcet – everything I have experience; which had made me into a nagging wife. I have some homework to do.. I do beleive that it is worse for husband and wife to live seperate lives under the same roof. For many us (I) in particular we were thought to express our opinions and push forward for what we want, yet we do not know how to drive harmony without discussing with husband how to better take care of our “needs”.

    “His taking her for granted has roots in his acceptance of her excellence. Her nagging has roots in retaliation and revenge sponsored by hurt.” WOW, this is something to consider, from your Point of View – how does this translate for a man?

    Your Highness Emma,

    Her taking him for granted means he is doing well and as he expects. It is just what he signed up for and she now appreciates. He roasts in her respectful gratitude.

    His nagging of her has roots in lack of respect; she may be short or she has changed and lost his admiration for a quality or two or more. She has lost some virtue(s). Men marry expecting their wife not to change, so trying to change her by nagging suggests she is inadequate in some or many particulars.

    Guy

  2. Some Other Guy

    For what it’s worth, I have been able to correlate increases and decreases in my wife’s nagging with increases and decreases in my own leadership of the household. My wife used to nag me, not a lot, but more than I would like. I didn’t know what was going on or why she did it until I read the book “the way of the superior man” by David Dieda. The book does an excellent job of explaining masculine and feminine energy.

    Nagging is female response to a man not asserting leadership where she feels it is appropriate. Now that I do a better job of setting direction for the household, I never get nagging. I make it a point to assume responsibility for any decision that I become aware of.

    This comes naturally for me at work. But I bought into the “equal relationship” for marriage mantra a long time ago. I thought that’s what my wife wanted. She even told me so. And it sounds great in theory. But it is not really what she wanted. My wife is very accomplished at her job. It surprised me that she didn’t want the responsibility of decisions at home.

    I do agree with Sir Guy that nagging is generally not effective. It worked by accident in my case, because I was able to find out what was behind the nagging.

  3. Maria

    Okay, but what do we do instead of nag?!!! I am sure I have read the answer a million times, but as of right now I am in this very difficult position of wanting desperately to nag because I feel completely ignored and unappreciated, and yet I’m hanging on with grinding teeth and not saying anything. I’m bottling it up and it’s getting difficult. My husband is doing NOTHING right now to help me out around the house, and to top it off, he’s a horrible slob. I mean, gross. He chews and leaves “spitters” everywhere, empty chew cans, trash, trails… never learned any habits of cleanliness whatsoever. He’s being ridiculously rude and mean. I read your posts on men that grow up without enough respect given and he fits the bill almost entirely. I have to say though, I’m not much better, and if I was the dominant one in the house I’d be just as disrespectful to everyone as he is. I am being forced, by the love I have for my children, to change, or I will fail.

    I’m so afraid of messing up the progress I’ve made thus far that I’m acting really weird right now… unnatural and sort of antsy. I’m not normally this way so he’s definitely wondering what is going on I think, but not seriously. He’s got a lot of other things on his mind about how great his accomplishments are at work. And that’s another thing I’m getting so tired of… constant ego buffing. Unconditional respect for men and boys… well I have a husband deprived of respect from his parents and three sons!!! This is a lot of pretending to be interested in all of their accomplishments and paying attention to all of the things they want my immediate attention for or else impatient anger results.

    I’m sorry to come whine with self-pity. I just have to get this off my chest. It’s just getting harder, as it should, I suppose. I need to get stronger. I need to keep loving the unlovable, and searching for ways to have gratitude so that I won’t have to fake my happiness. Gratitude turns it all gold.

    Anyway, what can I do? How can I get him to do anything around the house without being a nag?

    • Gratitude does change things! Find a corner of your house that is off limits and make it beautiful and clean for yourself to enjoy and be thankful for. When he is rude and mean, serve him a cold drink or coffee and cake, and serve yourself too. You can enjoy yours in your new “spot.” Perhaps, perhaps not, he may want to join you. He can, only if he’s nice. Well, that’s what I did anyway. It didn’t change him, but it changed me. I felt more control over my life. God bless you!

      Your Highness llsantos5,
      Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.
      Guy

      • Maria

        Thank you- very cute advice. :) I was kind of wondering if writing a “honey-do list” would be alright. I’m not sure it will help at all but at least I’ll know that he knows that I’m hoping for some help.

        • The honey-do list may be interpreted as nagging…be prepared. I think when he sees you enjoying yourself and maintaining your own clean spaces, he will see how important cleanliness and beauty is to you. He may also see that he is not contributing to that happiness and rise to the occasion. Also, with the ‘ego stroking’, perhaps you can praise him on how manly he looks working with a drill, or how frisky you feel when he takes out the trash. Again, God bless your efforts. As Guy always says, you are the relationship expert!

    • Arnold

      WOW! Maybe these people just need to be on their own..and not married in the first place.WOW!

      Sir Arnold,
      Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another man joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.
      Guy

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