1979. Admiration: The Prime Motivator of Men


Women don’t recognize the tap-root of male nature, that which primarily motivates a man. Women focus too much on sex and  seem not to understand the full picture of that*. Something else energizes him and determines what he does and becomes, primarily does for himself but also in relationships. If women use it to figure out their man, both become more valuable in the eyes of the other.

The closed loop of male behavior is structured around one thing, earning admiration. First, earn it himself for himself. Second, witness other people earn it from him and thus enable his judgment ability to be self-admired.

The loop emanates from his primal need for self-admiration and proceeds close to this order: generate ambitions, determine missions, set goals, and accomplish things. Successes all along that process provide self-admiration. A satisfied need no longer motivates, however, and so out springs the urge for more significant achievements and more self-admiration. Men are constantly reaching for new, better, and greater ambitions. The process of earning admiration never ends even after age or incapacity make labor no longer the primary venue.

For this article, we consider that which he earns for himself and that which he enables women to earn from him. Obviously there is more, admiration of men for example, but that’s another story.

Self. A man’s deep-rooted need of self-admiration prompts him to seek work, any work, as it provides the best opportunity**. He admires himself for successful achievements and even for his potential to be successful at whatever he undertakes. Both achievements and his potential accumulate and blend to become his sense of significance and consequent self-worth in his world. He admires his significance as the ultimate truth, because it’s the product of all that he’s produced. Although seldom recognized except when women threaten it, a reinforcing helper for his urge to accomplish things is this: His greatest fear is insignificance.

Men welcome and appreciate the recognition and admiration of others, but it’s not essential. They are independent by nature and reasonably satisfied with self-admiration. Lessons learned in life, however, make them expect recognition, appreciation, and even admiration for their efforts. And especially from those who depend upon them without giving due credit.

Women. A woman becomes of lasting personal interest to a man because of her virtues, those qualities in her that he admires and that remain or may be discovered after conquest. As described in post 1977, qualities that he admires become virtues. Virtues of importance to him make her fascinating, which is the attraction that holds him. With more virtues and increased intensity in her fascination, a man finds promise in her as his mate. And that pulls or pushes him to or at least toward the altar.

Being unconquered is not a virtue; he wants her for sex but he doesn’t admire her status. However, he respects virtual virginity. Her determination to protect her interest by not yielding earns his admiration. Her availability for post-conquest sex is not a virtue either; too many other willing women. Unless, that is, he admires her sexual—shall I say—dexterity? But that can lead to loss of respect for her, which is another story.

His motivational consideration of her boils down to this. Her qualities earn his admiration. It pleases his sense of self-admiration for finding her so virtuous and thus fascinating. That makes her fit snugly into his personal ambitions, missions, goals, and accomplishments that he anticipates for the present and perhaps the future.

——

*To the male mind, conquest and other sex are significantly different in both urge and result.

**Childcare and housekeeping lack opportunity because they don’t require his strengths or expertise. The former threatens his significance, too much potential to innocently do harm or produce bad or poor results. The latter requires boredom in order to endure. Neither has much potential to earn self-admiration. Better ways exist and he wants to get to them.

——

NOTE: I suspect that the sexes are hugely divided over what they think are virtues in a woman. For those readers who may be interested, I could enjoy seeing what they nominate as virtuous in the eyes of men. Not what women tell themselves is virtuous about each other, but what they think men admire in the normal course of masculine behavior. Whatever you nominate, I will try to contrast it to what I think men admire. We might be able to piece together something significant to portray as sex differences.

 

15 Comments

Filed under sex differences

15 responses to “1979. Admiration: The Prime Motivator of Men

  1. surfercajun

    From the book Fascinating Women, Mrs. Helen outlines that what women think men admire or find fascinating is complete different is from what we think or know. :)

  2. Catherine

    A few guesses at virtuous traits in the eyes of men:
    – a peaceful, gentle spirit
    – enough self love that frees her to focus on others
    – feminine manners, grooming, and clothing choices
    – respect for men in general
    – humility

    P.S. surfercajun, that book you mentioned above is a great one. :)

    Your Highness Catherine,
    I think you’re right and your list has an added blessing. Men don’t think along those lines and so yours show up indirectly, which makes them more subconsciously admirable. IOW, he can’t exactly describe what appeals to him, but he likes her for it.
    Guy

  3. Cinnamon

    One of Sir Guy’s teachings that I find tricky is the notion of taking responsibility for her own happiness and not expecting a man to provide it, even in marriage. It is one of the teachings that still not completely sunk in for me , yet like all his teachings (some of which took me a long time to understand) I have no doubt it is true.

    I thought this article from Kate was really helpful on this point and confirmed everything Sir Guy teaches about this issue:

    http://demarkate.com/index.php/11-relationships/40-laugh-bake-appreciate-and-tits

    Your Highness Cinnamon,
    It’s a good article. Thanks.
    Guy

    • Cinnamon

      I should add that in response to Sir Guy’s question, one thing men find virtuous in a woman is that she makes him feel good about himself. Quoting from Kate’s article:

      As yet another relationship writer, Bob Grant, says: “Men fall in love with the way a woman makes them feel.” A guy should feel good in your presence. Be the angel in your house, and make your man a winner. Don’t always be bitchin’, and get in that kitchen! Learn to laugh and lighten up. And remember: you’re mostly in charge of your own cup.

      Your Highness Cinnamon,
      I can’t disagree with either. However, to me, there’s some subconscious chemistry beneath that causes all the good feelings.
      Guy

      • Cinnamon

        Sir Guy,
        I think what I meant to say (but failed to say correctly) was that she makes him feel that she is 100% on his side. This ties in to the Ariadne’s thread story (no pun intended!).

  4. I nominate honesty and beauty. I peeked at Her Highness, Catherine’s, but these are what I was thinking before I saw them.

    Your Highness Sharonwithmaryandmartha,
    Thank you. Good choices.
    Guy

    • surfercajun

      beautiful comment, sharonwithmaryandmartha!!

      I remember reading in a book a good mother siren is a god send to him in his time of need, sickness, crisis, and adds his creature confronts even though to some foolishly think he has long grown to old or no longer cares for. Of course in another article I read boils it down to not only food is to a man’s stomach but his career which is his heart and soul. Tap into this and you have offered him Ariadne’s Thread.

      http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-urban-scientist/201206/ariadnes-thread-the-one-male-deal-breaker-in-relationships

      Your Highness Surfercajun,

      Thank you. Ariadne’s Thread is a wonderful concept and the author describes it with great story telling.

      I recommend it to all who visit this blog.

      Guy

      • Cinnamon

        Thank you surfercajun – that article was wonderful!

        • surfercajun

          (blush) thanks! You are both so very sweetly welcome! :o)

          I honestly believe we are all here to help each other! I honestly never expected thanks…giggle

  5. cocoa

    I would nominate the following:

    Calmness, regardless of what she’s facing or going through.
    Care and consideration for others in general and for him in particular.
    Cleanness, in the way she takes care of herself and whatever is around her.
    Chasteness, in all her ways. In her actions, in her dealings and in thoughts.

    that’s it from me sir Guy.

    Your Highness Cocoa,
    Thank you. Good choices.
    Guy

  6. Etu

    Strong will; not a woman who will cave in to sex, even when that’s his end goal. I think the respect may manifest as the man moving on to ‘easier pastures,’ and he may never say a word to her about respecting her (or about anything else), but I think a woman who does that earns esteem in his eyes whether her acknowledges it or not!

  7. Maria

    I think men love the sparkle in a woman’s eye more than cleavage dumping out the blouse. They love a girl who can work hard and make it look easy, who is full of languor and confidence, and yet humble and energetic. They love it when a woman doesn’t talk too much, but only says things that either need to be said or are wanted to be heard. Men seem to like women who have self-respect because it protects them from having to feel guilty for getting away with disrespecting her, since she won’t put up with it in the first place. Men seem to think it’s fascinating for a woman to defend herself, so long as she doesn’t do it in a way that disrespects his manhood. I think my husband appreciates my talents that help him build up his own self-image, such as my fashion sense in helping him dress, my popularity with his co-workers, and my knowledge of nutrition since he’s in the fitness business. He doesn’t seem to care much about what I wear as long as I’m happy with it, or if I show up to his work events to socialize. I think men want a woman who trusts them even more than they trust themselves. Men want a woman to hold them up to a standard of greatness that is in them, but that they have not yet attained, because their love for her motivates them to reach that standard.

    Your Highness Maria,
    You’ve done well figuring it out. And well expressed too.
    Guy

  8. Maria

    Thank you Sir Guy and Cinnamon. Now if only I could become that woman quickly! ;)

    Your Highness Maria,

    Earlier you said, “Men want a woman to hold them up to a standard of greatness that is in them, but that they have not yet attained, because their love for her motivates them to reach that standard.”

    You’re so right, and I add the root of it. God and Nature match us perfectly to be compatible with everyone else. Women are born to be good and capable of doing good. Men are born capable of doing good and become good when women train them that way. God intended earth to be a happy place.

    Guy

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