2001. Male’s Primal Urge to Conquer Females


This article may shock you. It’s about the most unique aspect of the male nature. The way men are born and before they experience life growing up or associating with women. Before they are trained and pressured by women to hide one trait within their nature, which in turn brings out many causes and effects.

You have your unique modesty. Men have a unique urge for first-time sex with attractive women. When you understand and respect this unique trait in men, you will be better prepared to handle that which often offends girlfriends, lovers, live-ins, and wives.

Every man’s interest is stirred by sexually attractive females. Your man’s reactions to seeing one is NOT automatically a reflection against you. It may be but more likely it’s not if you mean anything to him except for sex. His primal urge is not disloyalty to you. It’s his nature exposing itself, a subconscious urge jumping up before your easily offended eyes. You should ignore it until you find confirming signs of his betrayal of you. Or better yet, be grateful that he chose you. (If you had it once, you must still have it unless you let IT slip away.)

Urge to conquer is one of two actions common to all men. His glance at a moving object is natural (as explained elsewhere) and more than a glance is natural at a sexually attractive female. Your taking offense just adds harmful pressure to your relationship. However, in no way do I alibi for men who take their interest beyond a good look, beyond what their nature prompts and their society-developed character should avoid.

The conquering urge in males causes or produces these effects across relationships and society:

  1. The males’ primal urge to have first-time sex with many women is divorced from female interests. A target’s interests have influence only to the extent that she conditions his thinking to subordinate his nature in order to please her for other things.
  2. His conquering urge is single-mindedness that springs open at sight of a sexually attractive female and repeats itself until a particular target is conquered or disposed of mentally. The urge prevails above and beyond the actual, practical, and even impossible conquests. Social and domestic pressures generated by women cause men to civilize their involuntary urges into more compatible and female-friendly behavior.
  3. The urge to conquer stands disconnected from warm and kind feelings. However, emotional connections with sex targets develop as a woman’s refusal to yield to conquest spurs his frustrations into delving deeper into her psyche.
  4. Whether dating or courting, he looks for weaknesses to facilitate conquest. Accidentally, serendipitously, or purposely programmed by her, he discovers qualities of vital interest to him. Those he comes to admire are considered virtues. Wanting to marry a virtuous woman, the more virtues he finds before conquest, the more promising she looks as potential mate. That places her higher on the ‘keeper spectrum’, and so he chooses to spend more time with her rather than just vanish. What determines the outcome? How she conducts their relationship before conquest such that her worth as potential mate outweighs his urge to conquer. Effectively, she waters down his urge with her feminine mystique, female modesty, virtuous fascination, and monogamous spirit plus a gigantic patience and immense likeability that he thrives on whether it’s obvious or not.
  5. Civilizing influences and social and domestic pressures tame male sexual aggression. Men are pressured to hold in check and disguise their conquering urge. Exploiting female innocence and desire for romance, men manage to harmonize it with social interactions.
  6. Romance opens the door to her heart, which cracks open the door to earlier conquest, which stirs men to be romantic although it’s foreign to the male nature. So, romance forces men to go against their nature in order to conquer according to their nature. (Another reason that both sexes fail to understand the other.)
  7. After conquest he’s a different man relative to the conquered. First, conquest releases his nature to consider other targets. His primal urge is reinvigorated. Second, he views the just-conquered woman in a totally different light. The spectrum runs from marriage to immediate disappearance with these possibilities in between: romance her, probable keeper, friend, booty, dumpee. The choice he makes depends upon the pre-conquest relationship that she as the expert was able to develop.
  8. With each woman conquered, his life changes relative to her. Whatever relationship developed before that, it will be different afterward. Whereas he expected and responded to her competitive spirit, especially to protect her sexual assets, he expects it to end. He afterward expects her cooperation sans competition. Discovering new virtues in her is both harder and slower after conquest, because he’s no longer looking for weaknesses. Effectively, the respect she earned before conquest is the level of respect she will enjoy subsequently. This is the real enigma of conquest: She is no bigger or better than what he conquered. She doesn’t lose anything; he just doesn’t recognize much more worth in her until a lengthy and happy marriage teaches him otherwise. (Now, obviously there’s a measure of hyperbole in that claim. But the essence is true. A woman’s worth as a woman—as opposed to her worth to him—is generally the worth she earns defending her sexual assets.)
  9. The conquering urge lasts for life. It can only be tamed and women must do the taming. The intensity fades later in life but the sight of a sexually attractive female stimulates his interest long after age-related practicality or marital obligations prevent anything else.*

Consequently, women know so little about the male nature that they—even as the relationship experts—misplay the dating and courtship agendas.

If wife gets jealous because husband looks at attractive women, she should judge on what he does and not what he thinks momentarily. She’s no less valuable to him; he just reacts instinctively. To her it’s simple-thoughtlessness. To him its single-mindedness inherited at birth. To be sure, men should train themselves to be less offensive in their natural habits, but many men just don’t respect women generally or their woman in particular enough to do that.

Men are born with the primal urge to conquer as many as practical. It’s up to women to learn how to exploit it rather than be victimized. Don’t you at least suspect that our ancestor women developed the institution of marriage to at least check and hopefully check mate the male nature?

——

*Several years ago I renewed a dormant friendship with a school chum (both are 83). A couple of visits, dozens of emails, and exchanges of opinion on common-interest subjects brought not one mention of attractive women. Both of us became widowers this year. In the past few days we have exchanged several emails on the subject of sexually attractive women. Oh, not speculating anything. Just that particularly noticeable ones improve the appeal of TV (from which I have weaned myself for other reasons). Even as octogenarians, female attractiveness attracts because the primal urge never dies. Hope wilts but not the urge.

 

28 Comments

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28 responses to “2001. Male’s Primal Urge to Conquer Females

  1. Sir Guy:

    One again you have written an insightful article explaining the male nature. I appreciate this information and also your own honesty regarding it’s role in your own recent experiences. Thanks for sharing and for continually reminding us ladies how our ancestors dealt with it.

    Lady Arabella Victoria

  2. Shanna

    This is true, the primal urge never leaves. My job puts me in contact with lots of older adults…primarily over age 70. I’m always tickled when an attractive woman is around. Whether she’s 27 or 77, the men perk up, stare and sometimes surround her like bees to honey. At the very least, they usually inquire about who she is. I think this is quite healthy when done with respect. And it should serve as a reminder to women about the importance of a nice appearance.

    Mr. Guy, this brings up a question I’ve had for some time. Many of the women I’m around daily have outlived their husbands. Most express zero desire to even have a male friend. I’m not talking a sexual partner, just a friend. I often find it quite sad. It’s like they close the door to that part of their lives forever. I don’t completely buy it, I think some of them feel like they’re too old for “that stuff”. But seems to me like the desire for companionship from the opposite sex should be natural until we leave this earth, but what do I know. Any thoughts???

    Your Highness Shanna,

    I think you’ll find this is a rough description of how the female nature works to produce the attitudes you describe.

    • Soured but not necessarily broken marriages turn men off about marriage and turn women off about men.

    • I suspect they had relatively unhappy marriages, which tells me they were unsuccessful at harmonizing their marriages as relationship experts ought to do, which suggests they expected out of husbands more than they gave, which translates into too little gratitude for what they did have, which tempts me to claim they had too little self-gratitude, which points to the lack of happiness for themselves, which in response carried unhappiness unto their husbands, and which you see manifested today as the lack of interest in masculine attention.

    • IOW, they brought it on themselves by not being feminine, by taking more than giving, which has the onerous result of making women dislike themselves, which has the follow on of not being able to like someone more than you like yourself, which means their love of husband diminished some or greatly, and they lost interest in masculine attention (which women crave just as men crave female attention).

    • I translate the root as paying too much attention to pop culture and modern values, standards, and expectations while simultaneously abandoning their female nature. They probably brought their at-work competitive attitude re men and bosses into their own homes.

    Please don’t presume that the foregoing applies to your co-workers. I have described how the female nature works through a number of dynamics to arrive at the situation you describe. It may or may not apply specifically to any of them.

    Guy

    • This reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend of ours. He and his wife are happily married and are the parents of 10 children! I mention the ten children because raising a large family AND making marriage a priority is hard to do. I asked the husband if something happened to his wife would he marry again. His answer surprised me because it was immediate, “In a heartbeat!” he said.
      I took his reply to be a great compliment to his wife. He loved being married and would want to experience it again (although, in my opinion, his vibrant, opinionated and organized spit-fire of a wife would be a hard act to follow!).

      Jill

      Your Highness Jill,

      Here’s an out-take from the recent self-gratitude series that didn’t make the final edit.

      The simplest form and best example of happiness is mother-love, which is gratefulness for the child and importance for the mom. The connection was hardwired into mom’s psyche as happiness-earned by the hormones of pregnancy and birthing. Large families characterize it. The happier mom becomes busier making herself more important for those to whom she is vital. It makes her more grateful for her ability and dedication, which inspires her children to be grateful for mom and thus earn their own childhood happiness. The world of happy child-raising thus revolves around mom keeping up her self-gratefulness by reinforcing her importance with more children until she’s slightly overloaded.

      Guy

      • …”slightly overloaded”…too funny but so true! However, even with very large families her ability to manage her family grows as they do so the “overloaded” part of it doesn’t last forever. In most large families, the pride of such an accomplishment wipes out any memories of the hard times.
        Jill

        Your Highness Jill,
        Your nt12many attitude flooded my thoughts as I wrote “slightly overloaded.” I concluded exactly the same thing you cite, she grows into it because it adds to her importance.
        Guy

      • anon

        Sir Guy,
        You cite the need of a woman to make herself feel “more important for those to whom she is vital.” I would love your opinion of the scenerio I find myself in. I’m a stay-at-home mom to three (ages 4, 2, and newborn). My mother (who lives close by) visits our family a couple times per week, to spend an hour or so with the grandchildren (my kids). She always shows up with an expensive toy, sugary treat, etc. At first I enjoyed seeing my children enjoy her treats. Lately, however, she has begun undermining my authority and even saying I’m “too strict for the kids to need to obey me” (she says this in front of the children and I know my four-year-old understands what she is saying). Most recently I was concerned when she told me that “isn’t it funny how kids always hate their moms?! But GRANDPARENTS! these are the ones that they are supposed to love!!” I told her I NEVER felt this way about HER, and I wondered why she made the remark. Since then, my kids have begun saying they wish they lived at Grandma’s house & that they love Grandma more than me, their mom. I was hurt by this and my husband told the children they were never to speak that way again. But I already feel cut down in size by my mom, who seems to want to create a sense of her own importance by making me less-important in my kids’ eyes. Do you think I’m reading too much into my mom’s actions? To put it in some perspecitve, my mom raised two kids, but my brother made a lot of bad choices (he’s since settled down) and I did not choose the career path they hoped (I’m a stay-at-home-mom), so I suppose mom may not feel “fulfilled” by us. She once said she had “only regrets” when she looked back on her years of raising kids, which shocks me because I thought I had a pretty good childhood!! Thoughts, Sir Guy?

        Your Highness Anon,
        Yes, I have thoughts but they will have to wait until tomorrow morning. Out of time.
        Guy

        P.S. I’m back. Your story is so compelling that I turned my response into a daily article, 2002. I purposely left your name off it but I can restore it if you wish.
        G.

  3. Cinnamon

    Sir Guy,
    I agree with Lady Arabella Victoria, this is excellent. It provides helpful detail on a subject you have mentioned repeatedly but never (from what I remember) addressed in such depth.

    Your personal anecdote at the end reminded me of a poem called “Politics “by William Butler Yeats:

    `In our time the destiny of man presents its meanings in
    political terms’ – Thomas Mann

    HOW can I, that girl standing there,
    My attention fix
    On Roman or on Russian
    Or on Spanish politics?
    Yet here’s a travelled man that knows
    What he talks about,
    And there’s a politician
    That has read and thought,
    And maybe what they say is true
    Of war and war’s alarms,
    But O that I were young again
    And held her in my arms!

  4. Perfect example, Cinnamon!

  5. Sir Guy,
    It is empowering to understand the male nature, his desire to conquer and disheartening to anticipate the change of focus afterward on said conquered subject.

    Forgive me I always ask the same question – what does a prematurely conquered woman do to save face? Run for the hills? Separate? Is there some effective RESTART?

    I cannot thank you enough for sharing this invaluable wisdom as I anticipate further instruction….

    Your Highness J’ahdor,
    Recovery from premature conquest and subsequent unmarried sex is described in the series entitled Virtual Virginity in CONTENTS page at blog top.
    Guy

  6. My Husband's Wife

    I’m so thankful you wrote this article, Sir Guy! Understanding this has always been a struggle. I get it now.

    This part of my husband’s nature (noticing attractive females–but never acting on it) caused me much grief thinking I would lose him to whoever he was looking at…and that can happen fairly often if you ever choose to leave the house or watch TV.

    A funny example when I look back: Early on in our marriage we had a yard business. A very attractive woman (dark-haired, dark tan with an accent) wearing a sundress with a bit of cleavage showing came up to us and asked my husband about mowing her lawn. He was so “taken” at the site of her that he literally couldn’t speak and mumbo jumbo came out! I felt bad for the longest time as I had never gotten such a reaction from him. “What’s so wrong with me (us) that I never made him speechless at the site of me” I’d think. I felt, well–inadequate to say the least when I’d compare and was worried that I’d lose him to her. We did her yard for a while and it became clear that she was all drama and he ended thinking of her as “high maintenance” and couldn’t pay her bill. So underneath it all, she turned out not so hot after all and my husband wasn’t impressed.

    What I’m trying to say is that I sure could’ve used these articles 17 years ago—but I’m glad I have them now. Recovery is everything, right?

    P.S. Congrats on turning off the TV, Sir Guy! Do you miss it, think anything has improved in doing so? Our household has been TV-free for about a half a year now and we can’t believe we actually had time to watch it. I have to confess: I do rent Downton Abbey!

    Your Highness My Husband’s Wife,
    Re the TV. Ain’t it Heaven? My spirit is more upbeat, attitude more outgoing. I agree, I can’t find time to watch it. More importantly, no interest in it. Too many other things occupy my mind, including back to reading books.
    Re Downton Abbey, I also rent it.
    Guy

  7. MLaRowe

    Great post. Reminded me how when I was a girl my dad would make comments about attractive women and I was offended for the sake of my mother. I asked her about it (as a child) and she said it didn’t bother her so she must have known something about what you posted here. My mother is an especially astute relationship manager (and she had her hands full I think).

    My own husband looks but doesn’t comment very often about attractive women. He notices blondes the most. I’m glad he doesn’t comment the way my dad used to but it doesn’t bother me when he does say something.

    As for number 9, I walk often past the home of a 90 year old man who is still in good health and sits on his porch. More than once he has said very nice things to the extent that I almost feel like he is hitting on me. It’s flattering really. His comments remind me of something one would hear in an old movie. Even before I lost the 40 pounds he was saying nice things. I’m glad to know there is still the possibility of attraction/romance no matter how old we humans get.

    Your Highness MLaRowe,
    You have a great outlook on life. Offhand, I’d say you have a high level of self-gratitude floating around in your head and heart. Happy, are you not?
    Guy

    • MLaRowe

      Thank you for being so kind to me. Yes, generally I’m very grateful. I was raised by two parents who are honest and kind (although not perfect because none of us are). Deeply religious with lifelong study of the Bible have been constants in the life of my parents and I was fortunate to be raised by such people.

      As for me, I’ve made plenty of poor choices along the way and learned many hard lessons firsthand. I recovered starting at age 25 and built back up from there.

      Yet, in the past year and a half I was tempted to make a dreadful mistake (I have never cheated on my husband of 10 years). I’m still recovering from being so close to the edge of that cliff. This is how I found your blog.

      A wise one has advised me to stay away from the man in question. And I have.

      Your blog explains the nature of the male so well I have much more understanding. Per you: I’m a target, the goal is first time sex and just to use me. It’s not love, devotion or anything admirable. My marriage would be wreaked forevermore and he would move on to the next target (he is not so discerning about his targets so don’t think I flatter myself by mentioning his attention).

      So I backed away from a cliff of disaster but now am I happy? I should be. So many good things are in my life.

      After 25 years of being a size 14 /16 I’m now an 8 (diet and running). It’s odd. I’m also not used to this much male attention but it’s nice (nicer because I’ve now read so much of the advice here not to take offense).

      Is this self-gratitude? I don’t exactly know for sure (you may have noticed already I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer). I also hope I don’t come across as overly vain but if I do, sorry.

      Blessings abound for me, I just had another baby. A huge blessing. So many reasons to be grateful for my life and family.

      But, and I only say this because I’m rather safely anonymous here, for the time being I’m sad. I grieve for a fantasy. Stupid, yes I know but this is the truth.

      Your Highness MLaRowe,

      The first step in problem solving is to identify the problem, and what you call it is vital. When you call it grief and fantasy, you handcuff yourself for finding a solution or recovering. Grieving implies you can do nothing. Fantasy is a wildly dreamed end result, which real life rejects. Saddened by unfulfilled dreams might be a better definition of your problem, because neither term de-motivates you. Instead, both saddened and unfulfilled spike your interest to do something about it. More later.

      You say, “I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer.” Hah! Knives don’t get much sharper than to go to an 8 and running after 25 years oversized. Or backing away from the cliff over which married life as you know it ends. Or, gaining male attention and appreciating it for the naturalness of both men and your appearance. Or, having a new baby after downsizing or vice versa. Or, worried about being too vain when vanity is natural and appealing in females. Or, recognizing what you face when dealing with a man whose pursuit of you threatens your marriage. Or, recognizing the many blessings that abound. Or, finding so many reasons to be grateful for your life and family. Or, recognizing the stupidity of grieving for a fantasy. Or, … [you can add much more if you just look around, all of which adds sharpness to the cutting edge of your life.]

      You grieving for a fantasy? I bet against you self-victimizing yourself that way. I don’t think it describes your uncertainty, boredom, or whatever. You just haven’t found the gratitude in one or two things in your life: 1) doing without the other man or 2) your girlhood hopes and dreams in the form of needing more attention and affection from your husband. If it’s 1), then it’s probably caused by 2). Recovery for either or both is the same—find ways to generate more attention and affection out of husband. Being the relationship expert, you have a sharper knife edge than you used to have.

      So work on solving that problem, which can be identified this way. Husband by nature is an attentive and affectionate man, and I need more of it. Keeping my girlhood hopes and dreams alive and strictly for him, I will become a better person, wife, friend, and mother of his children. In the process I will teach him more about intimacy and other rewards that make my life even more enjoyable.

      You’re presently living a great life. Focus on what you have and want and forget the rest. Action prevents depression.

      Guy

      • MLaRowe

        I’m overwhelmed by your words. You are also saying what the wise one told me: “What’s going on in your marriage?” When the pursuit started I put us into couples therapy but it didn’t help. It made things worst, so we stopped. Boredom? Possibly, although I’m busy this summer with children and trying to move to a nicer house. Also I do have a mission in life that I pursue (it’s a long road though). You are right, I know it. I need to improve what I have right now. My husband is kind, honest, honorable. So many women would wish to be so lucky. He drinks too much sometimes but not in the house and I don’t have control over that (only control over myself and my reactions). I want to write more but I’m jumping around here and I have to go someplace. But thank you so much for being kind and wise and for taking the time to help me and so many people.

  8. Emma

    Beautiful post – thank you for your knowledge. It makes a huge difference to understance this message.

  9. anon

    Thank you so very much for this post, Sir Guy!! For many years this has bothered me. My husband never says a word, but I notice him noticing other women. I never dreamed of taking it as a compliment that he “chose me.” I always felt very poorly and believed I had to match my appearance to theirs to keep him. I never stopped to think that I AM keeping him, everyday that we are married!! Goodness knows I’m not “hot” like those women, though. But I do “mirror time” like its my Bible study, so I know I’m as good as I can be!

  10. Tanisha

    I’ve heard this explanation for a committed man’s roving eye before, but never accepted it as truth. Coming from you, i feel i can accept it as truth :-) Your posts are valuable to me. I visit your site often; it reinforces what i know is right. Thank you so much.

    Your Highness Tanisha,
    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.
    Guy

  11. Tanisha

    I allowed my boyfriend of 4 years to conquer me way too early. I decided to adopt your suggestions in the Virtual Virginity series in hopes to turn things around and I definitely see a difference in his behavior. I moved out of the apartment we shared, cut him off from any sexual behavior, I let him know I would be dating others, and I only accept invitations from him to go out if it doesn’t involve hanging out at his apartment. This has been going on for 1 month only and he’s doing things he never would before. He plans fun dates, he dropped off breakfast for me while I was at work yesterday and he gave me $20 for lunch money (he’s usually really tight with his cash), but most importantly, he has taken on a much less aggresive persona than he had prior to me moving out. The way i’ve re-established our relationship definitely has me as the dominant one and I can sense he knows it.

    Mr. Guy, Is it appropriate or necessary for me to call him sometime to say hello see how he’s doing? Would calling him disturb this delicate situation i’ve created, especially since Its only been 1 month? He calls me just about everyday, or texts me. Is there a point in courtship where the woman initiates phone calls without appearing too eager?

    Your Highness Tanisha,

    Yes, your initiating will disturb the delicate situation. Patience and indirectness are your strongest suits. Play them now. Let him initiate, he’s earning you and he appreciates what he earns more than what he’s given.

    Is there a point where the woman initiates phone calls without appearing too eager? In your case, it’s not likely. Your objective should be to let his current dedicated actions grow into devotion, and any show of desperation on your part will interfere with his effort.

    Guy

    • Shanna

      Hi Tanisha,
      You’ve made some good changes and you’re seeing some good results. I say allow him to keep initiating contact with you since he’s already doing so. Fight the urge to take over…let him win you back.

  12. Tanisha

    Shanna and Mr. guy,
    God bless you both. Your responses came right on time. Mr. Guy, I understand how important patience and indirectness are at this point, so I’ll be sure to focus on that.

    I think ladies get confused with what entails being desperate. I’m learning from this site that a desperate woman is a woman who is the seller and not the buyer, period. I never paid for dates with my ex, nor did I ever buy him gifts, but i was giving him my time, my youth, my innocence, and my body in hopes he would see how fabulous I was and eventually propose. Desperate.

    I like being the buyer, I feel attractive and sassy, smart and strong. This has been a huge boost of self-esteem for me.

    It does make me uncomfortable sometimes to see him doing all the work, and I guess it’s just habit to step in and fill in the blanks. I really like what you said Shanna, “fight the urge to take over and let him win you back” :-)

    We planned a trip out of the country for my birthday, I’m still going to go, but I won’t be drinking to be sure I make good decisions. He paid for the trip months ago, but recently text to ask if I would pay for the “Swimming with the Dolphins” part of the trip. I said yes because he paid for everything else.

    Am I dense, or was this fair for me to agree to pay? I’d appreciate any responses from the readers, but I’d especially appreciate yours, Mr. Guy :-)

    Your Highness Tanisha,

    Of course it’s okay. He asked and you can help. Why not?

    On the other hand, who is paying for your room or are you not in separate beds? Without you in a separate room, he presumes you will sleep with him. If you refuse the battle roars and you fall back in defeat. Either give in or lose him, or so he thinks.
    Guy

    • Tanisha

      We have the same room that he paid for it. It’s a time share so there are separate beds. And a couch.

      I feel comfortable enough to go because he insisted he would respect my wishes regarding drinking and keeping his hands to his self. He’s been pretty good in the past with not pressing his will on me, so I believe him.

      Honestly, I think he would rather respect my wishes then forfeit the money he put out for plane tickets and such. I hope I’m not setting myself up to fail by going on this trip.

      I feel guilty about not knowing what would make me happy in the past and leading him into a false situation. He seems sad, and hasn’t sounded like the man I know all month. I am grateful a lot of those changes have been in my favor, but he’s told me about mistakes he’s been making at work, and he’s been losing sleep thinking about what we’re going through.

      I know I have the right to change my mind, and he’s continuing on his own will, but I feel sorry for the kid. I hope we can recover.

      Your Highness Tanisha,
      You sound like everything is under your control. I suggest you promise yourself this: You will always be totally dressed before his eyes and he never gets the first hint of immodesty in you. Total modesty all the way is my suggestion. Street clothes or ugly pajamas. Temptation fires a man’s imagination faster than his curiosity.
      Guy

      • Tanisha,
        That “feeling sorry for the kid” will do you in! Watch out! I find that most women make mistakes with men because they try to bail their man out either by; working to pay the bills or giving in sexually because he seems so vulnerable and is trying so hard.

        You have to retrain your feelings and tell yourself that his vulnerability is not hurting him. You are watching him grow and that might be hard but it’s good for him. The same goes for a man who has to bust his tail to pay the bills. Instead of being his mom and stepping in to “help” him financially, tell him “he’s the man” by admiring his strength in shouldering the load.

        Men really can hack it! And they can take great pride in it! I finally stopped feeling sorry for my husband and told him to suck it up and stop making me feel bad. He, eventually, thanks me for pushing him into his manly responsibilities!
        So, push back those feelings and let your boyfriend do what is, ultimately, the right thing to do and that is to treat you like gold!

        As Sir Guy says someplace around here, men develop devotion when they take care of their woman and give to her. Your job is simply to receive it graciously without feeling like you “owe” him anything!

        Jill (mom of 8 and married for 32 years who wished she had learned these lessons years ago)

        Your Highness Jill,
        It can’t be said any better. Thanks. I hope Tanisha heeds your advice.
        Guy

  13. Ari

    This is a great piece. Thank you once again for shedding light. And the comments below?Wow I learn something everyday. I so appreciate all of you :)

  14. Maria

    This made me feel better! Recently, my husband took some hours off of work to take our four kids and me to the local water park, and I saw him looking at a young woman in her little damn bikini longer than I liked. I wasn’t sure if I should be angry or not (actually I knew I should not be, but it’s easy to forget what you know right when you’re tested), so I just pretended not to notice. Later, though, when he “wanted me” that night, I felt somewhat betrayed. It is hard to know that other women wind him up, even if he is faithful and only satisfies himself with me. Still, I am glad I didn’t damage our relationship (any further) by picking a fight.

    I also have a question for you here about modesty. It’s been hard for me to figure out regarding swimwear. I used to wear a one piece with a skirt. My husband had a favorable reaction to it once. Then I wore the same when we went with a group of friends to the pool, and the other women in the group made me feel silly for covering up. Of course, they were Brazilian women, to make matters worse. Anyway, ever since then I have been annoyed with the situation. I do have a nice, thin stomach and I like getting a tan there. I found a bikini top that didn’t show any cleavage and a bottom with a skirt around it. It’s pretty cute, but I feel like maybe I’m lowering my status by giving in to the norm. As if I am trying to compete when I have already won, you know? I’m not sure how to find the balance between feeling attractive enough to be happy and feeling modest enough to be dignified.

    Tanisha is lucky she has the chance to improve things, with your guidance! I tried something similar but did not have any defined understanding of why I was doing it, and I didn’t do it very well. I hope she is careful not to let herself get “in the mood” at all, around him.

    And what Jill said is so interesting and funny… Recently I watched Princess Bride with my husband and sons. Princess Buttercup got on my feministly-developed nerves! I told my husband that she came off as stupid to me. He didn’t understand. I explained. When a giant rat is attacking Westley, she just stands there watching with a worried look on her face. He can’t reach his sword, and she could have run to get it for him, but she just stands there. His response was hilarious. He said he’d rather get killed by a giant rat than have a woman’s help in defeating it. ! This is a hard concept to grasp for us women these days.

    Your Highness Maria,

    What a delightful post.

    You say, “It is hard to know that other women wind him up, even if he is faithful and only satisfies himself with me. Still, I am glad I didn’t damage our relationship (any further) by picking a fight.” While beautifully phrased, I don’t believe his motivation worked like that. A nice relaxing day in the sun is more likely the force behind wanting you. Arousal pictures may wind him up, but not that other woman. Arousal metastasizes but not much in public and fades even faster with change of scenery. So, your wisdom to not pick a fight was intuitively the right thing. Always trust your intuition over your conscious thoughts, especially the use of blame.

    You say, “I’m not sure how to find the balance between feeling attractive enough to be happy and feeling modest enough to be dignified.” You are very wise just to identify the problem. The answer is equally simple: Make yourself comfortable with yourself. Nothing and nobody else matters except possibly your husband and then adjust just enough to make him comfortable too.

    You say, “He said he’d rather get killed by a giant rat than have a woman’s help in defeating it. ! This is a hard concept to grasp for us women these days.” It’s hard to grasp because women don’t understand men these days. What happened is this: Hubby bragged of his husbandly significance to his one and only.

    Thank you. Your post is a great welcome back to blog work.

    Guy

    • gigiqc

      Maria,

      I have really struggled for years with that thought, too, of feeling like my husband got “wound up” from the sight of another woman earlier in the day and then feeling hesitant to be intimate with him that night. So, I’m glad that you brought that up and I’m even happier to hear Sir Guy’s response to that concern. It helps. I’m learning – slowly, but surely – to stop thinking I know what’s going on in everyone’s minds. The idea of self-fulfilling prophecy helps me with this issue, too.

      • My Husband's Wife

        Dear Maria and Gigiqc,
        I’ve also wondering the same thing about the “wind up” from whatever stimulus that might be out there. So this question/response was also helpful to me as well! I’m glad Maria put it out there.

        Years ago I shared this concern with a girlfriend of mine and she said, “…But your husband comes home every night to YOU!”

        • A.GuyMaligned

          Ladies,

          I amplify the “wind up” of hubby for sex with wife with this test for you. Do gorgeous dolls on late night TV, especially in the bedroom, get him aroused? My guess is NOT. He’s more likely reminded that he doesn’t have what he sees. IOW, in the deepest recesses of his mind he wishes you looked like someone else. It’s an insidious process that compounds over time especially as you age.

          Watching beautiful women during the restful hour before sleep arouses his wishes for other women more than for his wife. I could be wrong. However, I still recommend strongly to keep TV out of the bedroom.

          Guy

          • Anne

            I am so grateful for these last several posts, because our family is going to a waterpark for the weekend-after-this and I am already upset that place is just crawling with little tarts in their underwear, I mean swimwear! It is a MASSIVE relief to think “wanting me” on our family vacation isn’t really wanting THEM. This has plagued me, well, as long as we’ve been married. It is the downer to every family vacation. Thank you for shedding light here, Sir Guy.

          • My Husband's Wife

            NOTE: I RESPOND IN CAPS TO your lower case original (AND DESCRIPTIVE) comment.
            GUY
            ——
            Dear Sir Guy,

            You brought up a very good point that struck a chord with me:
            “he wishes you looked like someone else” when seeing the women on TV late at night. Could you call this coveting when a man wants something that isn’t his or doesn’t have (another woman–or a wife who looks like THAT hottie) and he isn’t pleased with what he currently has in a wife? NO, I WOULDN’T CALL IT COVETING. JUST A SUDDEN BURST OF EYE FEASTING. ADMIRING PERHAPS. APPRECIATING PROBABLY. IF HE’S LEARNED TO JUDGE WIFE’s PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS DIFFERENTLY THAN BEFORE MARRIAGE, COMPARISON IS MORE LIKELY. IF SHE’S STILL THE ATTRACTIVE GAL HE MARRIED, HIS VIEWING IMPULSES ARE MORE LIKELY JUST NATURAL ATTENTION GRABBERS, EYE OPENERS FOR HUNTER-CONQUERORS.

            But we can’t just pick on men– it’s not only the men who covet–us women covet these other women too…how we wish we had the attributes of these models that we know our husband’s are admiring…we’re wanting something that we weren’t given and are ungrateful for what we have been given. (Hey, maybe that’s why you have a whole section on coaching us women to be grateful for WHO we are! It’s destructive to us and our marriages if we’re not grateful women). WE’RE BOTH BLESSED THAT YOU PAY SO MUCH ATTENTION.

            Therefore, I think this whole issue brings us full circle BACK to WWNH.
            Sure there are tempting-looking ladies EVERYWHERE out there. However, the question for us women is: Is our husband left wanting? Is he pleased with what he currently has in a wife? Are we arguing/nagging with him, withholding sex, putting him down? I believe that those negative things (that you list on your site) are the things that will truly ignite him “dreaming” of something else and if things get too bad, acting on it. If he is satisfied with wife, he’ll take note and move on. Just as us women would look at a picture of an attractive guy–take note, move on. Sure my husband doesn’t have a great tan/muscles like that guy on TV–but wow, I have so much more in my husband–in the end, the guy on TV is irrelevant. YES, MARRIAGES DON’T CRUMBLE FROM BIG ISSUES. THEY FALL APART AFTER ENDLESS NEGATIVES THAT UNDERMINE RESPECT, MUTUAL RESPECT, TRUST, MUTUAL TRUST, AND DISPENSE OTHER IRRITANTS REGULARLY.

            I think another factor is also: How satisfied is a man with himself in general? If he has “holes” to fill, it will be done with just about anything external, such as other women who make him feel good by looking at them (or worse)–but also could be things such as alcohol, overspending, etc. Wife can’t change husband–but she can help build him up, promote what’s good in him so he sees his role as husband as being “satisfying.” The rest is up to him. And hopefully we could figure out IF a man has these gaping holes in his self that are overly destructive BEFORE marriage. Otherwise, I woman will have a tough and painful married life ahead. I’M THINKING OF TAKING TO THE PODIUM TO TEACH RELATIONSHIP TRANSFORMATION. I WISH I COULD HAVE YOU AS AN ASSISTANT. YOU COULD FILL IN SO MANY GAPS THAT I INVARIABLY LEAVE BEHIND.

            I came to the realization with the help of this site: There will ALWAYS be hot, tempting women to alert my husband’s interest…from a cute coworker, to TV actresses, to bikini’d women on the beach. My job, as a wife, is to make sure I create an environment at home that he would never even THINK of wanting to leave—to make that good looking chick simply irrelevant to him…and then trust the rest to him. I REPEAT MY COMMENT OF THE PARAGRAPH NEXT ABOVE.

            P.S. I agree with TV going out the bedroom. It shouldn’t be there. I would also recommend to the ladies to turn it off for a while in general, and see if you aren’t happier and more productive. EVEN FOR SINGLE WOMEN IT’S A GREAT IDEA TO TEST DRIVE A TURN-OFF.

            P.P.S. Was at the grocery store magazine isle and my husband saw a GQ magazine cover with a nude chic wearing only a Hawaiian lei (This is now normal on magazine covers these days–porn). He picked it up, showed it to me and said, “Yes–she is HOT!” My husband is the type to call me over and show me whatever woman he sees good looking–and get my opinion. It’s rather annoying, but I’m learning to ignore it more and more. You can’t control society and the trash it’s putting out these days–or even your husband–just yourself and react with virtue and dignity. YOU MIGHT RESPOND WITH THESE WORDS, “MEN ARE NEVER MORE HANDSOME THAN WHEN THEY RECOGNIZE A LADY’S MODESTY.” DON’T EXPLAIN EITHER, JUST SMILE. SAY IT EACH TIME AND HE WILL START GUESSING WHAT YOU MEAN. THE MESSAGE WILL EVENTUALLY SOAK IN. HE WILL PROBABLY PAY MORE ATTENTION TO OTHER IMMODEST THINGS TOO.

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