2022. Recovery from Husband’s Wronging Her


This article responds to two ladies’ comments at post 2020.

Pinging off Cinnamon’s initiative, Her Husband’s Wife describes frequent wifely problems in this clear and simple process.

1. Husband trips up and does something wrong.
2. Wife reacts with angry outburst or motherly scolding.
3. Husband either fights or flights from wife. (His behavior worsens).
4. As the husband’s behavior “worsens” the woman tells other women about her husband’s bad behavior.
5. Other women rally on wife’s side against husband and tells wife to not let this go, get in his face, show him who’s boss etc. The wife elevates herself as being better than her husband or remains in “victim” mode to receive sympathy.
6. Husband’s doesn’t respond well to any of this.
7. A wedge is put between husband and wife.

Review that process and note how two threads weave through it. a) Women are processors and tend to keep things going; inequalities must be addressed and resolved. Men are producers and tend to seek final results. Hence, men go into fight or flight mode easily and fake settlement until the process ends their way.

b) Of course he starts the process by doing something wrong, but that too springs from his nature. His conquest before marriage empowers him with conqueror’s right. She is his. He ‘owns’ her and especially their sexual agenda. It gives him some measure of residual independence that he exemplifies from time to time after marriage. I don’t claim it’s right, equal, or even fair. Only that his heart and mind are hardwired that way from birth. Whatever deviation or special adjustment a man makes comes from being taught greater respect for females and originates before puberty. Or, conqueror’s right is severely weakened by her conquering him for marriage before he conquers her for sex. (But then after marriage it’s easier but not certain for her to lose respect for him—but that’s another story.)

——

What’s the solution? Cinnamon advised a friend this way: “…whether he was in the wrong is COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT because men don’t like to be berated and criticized by women, and consider it disrespectful when a woman does this, under any circumstance. I told her that her daughter should have ignored the behavior and been cordial to him when he got home but not overly friendly, to pull back just a little bit in order to signal her displeasure but in a subtle way.” It’s a good start on the process of ending a disruption.

Women, being processors, should be able to work the forthcoming recovery fairly easy as it capitalizes on female strengths inherited at birth, For example, patience, soft-heartedness, hard-headedness, future more important than the present, fear of abandonment, ability to find gratefulness in little things, urge to nest even stronger than urge to love someone, and urge to heal others’ wounds. Plus, women have adaptability and survivability skills that make females the superior sex and enable women to naturally generate balance with male dominance.

Now, imagine this. A woman offended immediately ends the process at step 1 above and invokes a new process by and only within herself. He never hears her take exception to his wronging her. Her ordeal ends for him except as his conscience begins to smolder with guilt and regret, which she should neither expect nor be surprised when it emerges. In her mind, she puts him aside as a participant. She works through it all by herself. Now, this process is written for the severest or repeated wrongs. If an offense is less severe, ease off at appropriate places in the process.

  1. She reminds herself that she’s the relationship expert and he’s an uninterested party only for this process. It’s all up to her and she doesn’t seek advice of girlfriends or family. It’s her ballgame to pitch her way such that husband learns who she is internally rather than what others influence her to become. She aims to settle them into a two-sided mating that depends on no outside influences. (If she must talk to someone, let it be her mirror image, her best friend.)
  2. Her objective: Let him figure out himself what, how, when, where, and even if he wants to please her. When it’s his idea and he repeats pleasing her many times to correct his wrong, it becomes habitual, which makes him uncomfortable at displeasing her. That is what it takes for him to NOT “trip up and do something wrong” in the future.
  3. She keeps to herself disappointment in him. She stops all bossing. She stops all criticizing him as she did previously. In all matters dealing with him, she uses indirectness, seed planting, hints, and other signs that she regards him in a different light. He reads her that he’s respected less and has to earn her favor even in things disconnected from his offense. However, he’s guilty of nothing but his original offense. She never acknowledges or confirms lack of respect of him as her husband, home CEO, dependable provider/protector, or any other role he fills satisfactorily.
  4. She tries to forgive him without ever muttering a word about it to him. Forgiveness is more for her than for him. When she finally does forgive him, she doesn’t tell him until he works his way back into her good graces over an extended period of time.
  5. He knows that he’s disappointed her. As she keeps her thoughts to herself, she earns his respect. It’s not too unlike earning his respect by keeping her legs crossed during dating and courtship.
  6. If he wants to talk, explain himself, or confess, she listens but says nothing except “Okay” or “I accept what you say.” Let him talk his way into expressing regret, asking forgiveness, and making promises as he sees fit and on his own time and opportunity. He’s the home CEO. He’s the leader. Let him lead. Make it his show, let him express his regrets all alone without her offering criticism, condemnation, judgment, or even encouragement. If he doesn’t earn her forgiveness with more than a few words and subsequent actions over an extended time, he will not appreciate her gift of forgiveness. If she forgives easily, he doesn’t appreciate it fully but learns what works the next time he needs to seek it. So, this process of hers should last for many months and perhaps years.
  7. Of course the question comes up about sex. If he didn’t cheat, his offense should have no effect on their sexual behavior. If he did, it’s another question addressed in the blog. On the CONTENT page at blog top, search for “cheat.”

By her invoking that recovery process, she sets him aside to live with his heart and mind to open and accumulate regrets. Without inputs from her about his doing her wrong, his curiosity stirs his imagination and his conscience. Only out of that mix do regrets compound into behavioral changes.

 

24 Comments

Filed under Dear daughter

24 responses to “2022. Recovery from Husband’s Wronging Her

  1. Readingup

    I have never been married nor have I ever been in a relationship.
    I have listen to seminars held by married people who say that if there is something wrong in the relationship don’t create a second problem while witholding sex.

    How does a wife who is seething with anger have sex with her husband if she hasn’t expressed her disquiet to him? How can she honestly enjoy it if in her mind at that moment she is feel slighted?

    Again I’m not married or ever been in a relationship so I really don’t know

  2. My Husband's Wife

    Dear Sir Guy,

    Oh my! What a treat to check the blog today and see that you’re online—AND wrote such a fine (and thorough) response to our questions!

    From reviewing your steps, I found the part that I need some more clarification (if it isn’t a bother) is regarding the following: “He reads her that he’s respected less and has to earn her favor even in things disconnected from his offense.” I’m not sure of the posture of showing husband “less” respect would look like.

    By-the-way, hope you’re enjoying (or enjoyed) your time with family.

    P.S. The first time I tried being more “silent” on an offense from husband, it was really difficult, it was all I could do to not overreact. I’ve done it all my life. But then something amazing happened…my husband, on his own, brought himself inline…later that day. It’s like he has the ability to “self-correct” with me doing very little. And my respect for him went WAY up because his correcting himself came from him, not forced from me!
    I’m starting to view these occasional offenses differently, as if they’re just a passing shower. I get a little wet, but soon enough the sun comes out and it’s all alright again. You’re so right about men—they DO have this ability to get over things want to return to “normal” as soon as possible. It’s such a blessing!

    Your Highness My Husband’s Wife,
    Withdrawn, less initiative to start dialogue. Let him initiate more. Let him draw you into whatever he’s thinking instead of you doing it and reward him with smiles. The subjects you bring up for dialogue are essential for joint discussion. Smile a lot to yourself; show some mystery about being pleased with yourself rather than thinking of him as you smile. Be aware that he may rebel at being cut out, which means you’ve just done it too well. No guarantees, tho. Men know what attentions they are due and used to. When they perceive insufficient reason for less of it, they look inward for possible causes, which questions their behavior and certainty they are in the right. Out of self-questioning comes new behaviors and habits of thought.
    Guy

    • MLaRowe

      My Husband’s Wife, I agree. I’ve been trying to be more silent (it’s hard) and in that way I think I’m being more indirect (which dear Guy recommends).

      I’ve noticed that if I bring up a complaint when I’m not angry about it but rather it’s more of an observation then I walk away and give him time to think about it (key point: he needs time to process) then he does often come around to my way of thinking. Of course not every problem is solved but many are.

      As for doing anything in the bedroom when one is angry with one’s husband, Readingup, I will say that most of the time that doesn’t happen at my house because he knows I’m angry and he respects me by leaving me alone during those times we are having a flare-up.

      Otherwise most likely I would say no to him or I might say, “I’m still upset about our fight” or something similiar. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship or married to someone who thought that my body, emotions and brain were not connected.

    • Cinnamon

      Thank you Sir Guy!

      Like My Husband’s Wife I am also very grateful for your detailed reply, and am wondering the same thing she is – that is, how can a wife effectively communicate her displeasure in an indirect way (especially without seeming passive-aggressive).

      I suspect there is a fine line between (a) “acting like a doormat” by saying nothing and (b) saying nothing in a way that inspires the husband to earn her favour. Would you please elaborate on HOW (b) is done gracefully*?

      I know that my Mr GoodEnough appreciates the fact that (as a long-term student of WWNH) I don’t criticize and contradict him like the previous women in his life did. He has told me more than once how unique I am in this regard. I do worry however that by ignoring little things that bother me (the number of these is small, but there are one or two very minor things nonetheless) that when something major comes along (as it’s bound to eventually) I won’t know how to influence him effectively to WANT to earn my favour after he senses I am unhappy.

      An example of something major would be, for example, a remarried man who suddenly starts to be at his ex-wife’s beck and call to fix the washing machine, etc. even though she treated him terribly during the marriage and he complained about her selfish behaviour numerous times to you. I would have no idea how to handle that situation gracefully beyond just shutting up (as you describe above in great detail).

      *When I typed that sentence it occurred to me how aptly Lady Grace was named!

      Your Highness Cinnamon,

      I think my response to My Husband’s Wife covers what you say except for this. Don’t worry about winning his favor back; it puts you in the proactive role. Trust yourself as you deal with yourself that he will respond favorably. If you see signs of his reacting unfavorably, then back off a little as explained to MHW.

      Re the remarried man, he’s dissatisfied with his new marriage. Be wary but his ex should know how to handle it.

      Guy

    • My Husband's Wife

      I get it now! Now to convert understanding into doing…
      From knowing myself and the many women around me—I don’t think I’ve ever seen/heard this type of approach to conflict. This more respectable approach got lost down the line. It so needs to be taught and modeled. I liked Outstanding Bachelor’s idea of a finishing school—married women need one too. Actually, if you think about it: WWNH IS a finishing school!

  3. Brown_eyes

    Hi Mr. Guy! I know have a boyfriend thanks to your teachings, which I follow faithfully. He is great and we have a very good time when we are together. We have been an official couple for less than 2 months.The only thing that bothers me is he calls me every 2,3 days. How should i handle this? Should I say something? Should I let it go? Do you think couples should talk every day? Thank you so much!!

    Your Highness Brown_eyes,
    Say nothing. Let it go. Guys call a new girlfriend daily or oftener for reasons not in the best interest of the girl. Every couple of days is a good indicator for you. He’s young and has ambitions beyond being next to you.
    When a guy needs to talk with you continually he’s either after sex instead of you or he’s grown dependent on you to keep his faltering male spirit uplifted. Neither inures to your benefit.
    Guy

  4. This might be a little far-out, but if there were a ‘finishing school’ for unmarried woman to achieve competence in this strategy, there would be a line of unmarried men from L.A. to New York City to court these ladies.

    And pushing. Plenty of pushing.

    Sir Outstandingbachelor,
    Thanks. Some lady out there needed that.
    Guy

    • Cinnamon

      That’s quite an inspiring endorsement of this method!

      I would appreciate your take on the question I posed to Sir Guy above about how a woman can inspire a man to want to earn her favour when she adopts the 7-step process he outlines in this post.

      Your Highness Cinnamon,
      She can’t earn his favor. He has to want to restore the kind of attentions that he previously had with her. Perhaps Outstandingbachelor can explain it better.
      Guy

  5. gonemaverick

    you are a wise man Sir Guy.

  6. DJ

    How best can a woman address a problem a man causes, especially when they are disenclined to listen , to politly stated criticism or honest truth? The man being anyone from father, brother, husband ,friend…etc.

    Your Highness DJ,
    Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    There is no best way when you think of men as you describe them. Your attitude puts you in compete mode, and men don’t compete with women; they fear failure.

    Your men are disinclined to listen because your words, actions, and manner put them down. Polite criticism is still criticism, and men by nature reject the charge from a woman. Honest truth is one person’s slant on truth. Politeness and honesty don’t make a person right.

    From the male perspective, you start off disrespectfully and in the wrong, which inspires men to fight back. They do it benignly while you continue to make your intentions more judgmental against them, which in turn solidifies opposition to whatever you want.

    May I suggest that you study more of how men and women differ in their natures inherited at birth. For the fullest picture, I recommend the whole series titled Sex Difference Redux as listed in the CONTENTS page at blog top.

    Guy

  7. Anne

    Sir Guy, thank you for this timely and insightful post! How would you advise women to handle situations in which the husband presses her with “what’s bothering you?” Mine does this often if he senses I’ve withdrawn. He will ask if he’s done anything, invite me to sit on the couch near him and talk, etc. This is typically where my silence ends, because I feel he genuinely wants to know what’s wrong and is open to the strong possibility that its something he did. Should I continue to refuse to talk & come near him until HE is even *more* proactive?

    Your Highness Anne,

    If he’s satisfied and you’re happy with the results after each time you sit on the couch and you break your silence, keep at it. It’s working for you.

    If, however, he promises changes that last but a short time, then he figures that pleasing you now will keep you satisfied hopefully forever but at least for now. He’s satisfied with whatever results HE manages to produce to please you NOW. (Men don’t think of making their women happy, that’s a process and men know they can’t produce it. He thinks of satisfying you, as that’s what men do best and do for themselves. They produce satisfying results, present oriented.) In that case, he’s doing what he thinks you want rather than what he wants to do differently for himself. He’s a good man.

    But, what he does isn’t good enough for you. Right? In that case, continue with sitting at his request but be less open. Ask non-accusatory questions. Mystery and innocence help. Plant seeds and hint. The more he has to work to uncover what you’re thinking, the more he takes it to heart. The more he figures out your problem, the more it fits his natural problem-solving role in life. The more it’s his idea the more likely he will change permanently.

    Guy

    • Cinnamon

      I had the same question as Anne. The key I think is to avoid letting him know how deeply he hurt you. Keep the details about the hurt to yourself. Convey “uneasiness” to him but not anger and hurt. This makes him feel that the situation is FIXABLE, which is what you want – him to fix the problem by not doing it again so you no longer feel uneasy.

      Psychology tells us to be completely “open with your feelings” and “express your anger” when your husband does something to hurt you. I have learned, however, from years of study at WWNH that this is terrible advice because it has the EXACT OPPOSITE effect that you want it to have. It drives him away, not only making him feel controlled but also making him feel powerless. It is competition, not cooperation.

      Thank you Sir Guy for these detailed instructions about how we can help our men feel successful in pleasing us, both here and in previous articles. I thank God you came into my life because no one had, ever explained this to me before I found WWNH, and the knowledge has been key to my relationship with Mr Goodenough.

      • My Husband's Wife

        Exactly and well explained, Cinnamon! When I used pop psychology advice for marital matters it never worked or accomplished much of anything, really…and what a true blessing then to stumble on this blog. What a gift this knowledge is!

    • Anne

      So I should be reserved enough that HE comes up with a “satisfying” idea to fixing the present issue (from his perspective) that will (from my perspective) fix the longer-term issues involved? I’m not sure that makes sense. What I mean is that he will just be trying to cheer me up in the moment & I should not allow myself to be cheered until he’s offered concrete solutions that will last into the future… yes?

      Your Highness Anne,
      Keep this in mind. He won’t change permanently unless he thinks its his idea and not yours. You have to pay some price for him to change, and what you consider a temporary fix may lead to permanence. Then again, it may not but you have no better base from which to work except making it his idea.
      Guy

      • Lyndeeloo

        Anne, Cinnamon, MHW, Sir Guy,

        This was very helpful! I have a very hard time fighting the urge to open the emotional flood gates when my boyfriend asks, “What’s bothering you? Is it something I did?” I must remember to have some restraint and to say less.

  8. KitKat

    Actually just saying and doing nothing is a pretty good way to go. Depending on what has happened of course. If it’s the case he’s never going to see things or I should say “try” to see thing from my point of view, him knowing he did something wrong and me saying nothing keeps him on pins and needles waiting for the blow up thats never going to happen. This blog makes my head hurt — maybe it’s the continual bashing of my head against the brick wall, when I read it. Why do I continue to read here, you might ask — good question.

  9. MLaRowe

    I’m not sure if I exactly know what you are saying but it seems that perhaps you aren’t finding what you need in this ongoing conversation (blog). That’s okay, so find one that speaks to your situation. No need to be frustrated.

    I’ve taken Women’s Studies classes, I’m a big fan of Sandra Ciseneros. I’ve even met Gloria Steinem and worked for a short time for a nonprofit that was feminist based (although my take on it now is that it was a modern day social climbers organization).

    I grew up in a neighborhood of single mothers in the 1970′s when the divorce rate was climbing to it’s present levels. My childhood was spent seeing (strong) women as head the household. I always know in my heart that I have the strength to leave my marriage if I want to.

    But I don’t want to. I love being cared for by a good man. I’ve always wanted this.

    If the sacrifice I have to make is to do a bunch of housework with little thanks for it or excersize to look my best, pursue fashion and makeup (which I like anyway) I’ll play the game.

    If I have to be subservient, I’m still in. If I have to be indirect to get my way instead of in his face, I’ll do it even if that makes me “manipulative” in some circles.

    If I have to make the bigger sacrifice in order to have a marriage that succeeds apparently I’m still willing to be the one who does that.

    There are deal breakers in marriage but I haven’t seen any yet although we have had hard times in the past. I’m trying to pay attention to what is working. I’m trying to make it better if I can.

    This blog lets me in on things my husband doesn’t know he needs to explain to me like why he is so protective, why he does the things he does, why he likes my modesty but hates my past (sorry Guy I didn’t know your advice back when we met and my husband knows every last thing about me).

    I find myself in a traditional marriage in a conservative environment. I needed Sir Guy to tell me so many of the things I’ve learned here because it’s What Women Never Hear.

    I wish my dad would have told me these things but our relationship was strained so I had to learn on my own.

    This blog works for me. I’ve made changes because of it and it’s improved the quality of my life.

    Isn’t that what we are all after? “But to act so each tomorrow finds us farther than today” to quote Longfellow.

  10. Avid Follower in NYC

    Sir Guy, hope you had a wonderful time with your family and at your grandson’s wedding. I thought this quote below was appropriate for this topic post. It is what you are always saying to us….

    When somebody has hurt you, don’t curse it, don’t nurse it, and don’t rehearse it. Instead, disperse it and God will reverse it! That means don’t complain about it, don’t think about it over and over and don’t constantly talk about how hurt you are to other people. Instead, disperse it to God.

    Your Highness Avid Follower in NYC,
    Amen, darling. The Great Rescuer is always available to unburden one’s shoulders.
    Guy

  11. Eleni

    I’ve been reading WWNH for a short while now – often very thought provoking. It has helped me put into practice some of the ideas here that I find to be true based on my (so far quite short!) life experience.

    I think you can apply the logic in this post to boyfriends or potential dates as well. I had a potential date screw up quite terribly with me, but I never mentioned it to his face when we eventually began talking again. Just remained friendly, agreeable, always smiling, well-presented, put together. Now he appears to be putting in more appropriate efforts to get to know me……..he says good-naturedly “You are full of mysteries!”.

    I don’t know if this is good or not……….but I think it stands to reason that you do not necessarily need to let someone know that they’ve done something unacceptable by verbalising it. It is more so that if you put out the image that you are a friendly, polite, and well-mannered young lady (despite your circumstances), men appear to presume that they have offended someone with these kind of sensibilities and consequently rectify their behaviour. (As I see it, if you are a woman who is a little more coarse, he will presume that you haven’t set your standards for offensive conduct, and there won’t be as much motivation for him to “bring himself up” to meet them.)

    The difficulties lie in not verbalising your concerns. It is not so much about “ignoring” them, but rather, recognising that someone has done a mistake, that the mistake has happened and therefore cannot be recounted, but that you – the woman – can put on your best face for the world, for your own benefit, elevating yourself above the problem. Men seem to want to move “up” to your happy status, rather than “down” to your argumentative face……although I don’t know if this is *wholly* a gender issue – I think we all solve issues better with a person who doesn’t scold us or get angry or talk to others negatively about us.

    Your Highness Eleni,

    Wow! That’s a beautiful description of what makes women the irresistible force against immovable objects. Please feel free to comment anytime on any subject. I like the way you feel and talk.

    Incidentally, welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

    Guy

    • Eleni

      Thank you, Guy.

      I am more of a quiet reader than a commenter, but if I think I can add to anything I will do so.

  12. Cinnamon

    I ran across this Jewish parable today:

    So I thought you ladies might enjoy an old Jewish parable:

    A woman came into the Rabbis office looking quite distraught. “I can’t stand my husband anymore!” she cried, “he’s constantly out late, and when he does return we fight and fight until the early morning. I’m tired of this abuse and I want out!”

    The rabbi listened patiently to her outcry, and when she finished he said calmly, “I know an ancient trick to keep your relationship from ending. Each night this week take a mouthful of water just before you husband comes home. Don’t swallow it until he falls asleep. When the week is over come back to see me for further instructions.”

    She did as was prescribed. The first night her husband came into the house screaming at her. As soon as she opened her mouth to retort, she stopped, knowing that she needed to keep the water in her mouth. Her husband soon finished and fell asleep peacefully. As the days moved on, he began to come home happier, even kissing her cheek as he entered for the night, quite earlier than he used to. And the last night of the week, he mumbled his love to his wife before falling asleep.

    The rabbi was not shocked to hear of her success, but the woman was shocked to hear that this was no ancient trick. She was the holder of the peace in her house the entire time, and she had ruined it from behaving foolishly to her husband night after night. …

    http://www.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/2d0yb5/holding_your_tongue/

    Your Highness Cinnamon,
    Good parable. Thanks. The website looks interesting too. The intro says it’s anti-feminist and traditionalist.
    Guy

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