Category Archives: Dear daughter

2079. The Battle over House Work — Part II: What They Do


Recap of part I: She’s born to be happy; he’s born to be satisfied. She’s motivated to improve her self-importance and needs confirmation from others to spread her gratefulness and thus earn—not receive or find—happiness. He’s motivated to seek self-admiration and basically needs little confirmation in order to be fully satisfied.

Each subconsciously pursues those objectives but with this distinction. Confirmation by her man that she is important is essential for her happiness. But his woman is not necessary for his satisfaction. Furthermore, she has to earn happiness 24/7 whereas he earns satisfaction every day through his decisions and accomplishments. Her pursuit is continuous, and his comes in daily spurts. At the end of his self-defined workday, he finds satisfaction with himself. Only nearing bedtime does she get a happy sense of gratefulness that she’s done all that she could or expected of herself and even that provides too little satisfaction.

Their primal needs intrude too. He needs a place to flop, eat, throw his things, and prepare to fight tomorrow’s dragons. A satisfied need no longer motivates. At the end of his workday, he’s motivated by something else. His primal need kicks in for well-deserved rest and relaxation. His work day is done. (No alibi, just an inborn trait turned into deep-rooted habit before a mate comes along. Who but a man figures out so many variations of R&R?)

She, on the other hand, needs a brighter future. The foundation for it arises out of her primal drive to nest, nurture, and nestle with loved ones. Nesting is home keeping of which housekeeping and everyday relationship management are parts.

Thus, a man’s work comes in daily spurts. A woman’s work ends when she feels she has done all she can at the time and place.

Her days turn sour when she thinks in masculine terms of satisfaction instead of feminine terms of gratefulness for who she is and what she has. IOW, she hates her days and herself when she adopts the male objective of stopping for less than essential-for-health R&R. Two reasons: 1) She’s satisfied with little achievements and not big ones. So, stopping when she’s satisfied dissatisfies her in the long run. She has too much to do. 2) Acting outside her nature angers her and she takes it out on her mate. She blames him for not relieving her workload, when, in fact, doing housework allows her to multitask and simultaneously resolve issues in her mind and plan for the future. IOW, by keeping her body active doing simple/redundant tasks, it frees her mind to concentrate on more important things. Example: What she expects to gain or how she will handle specific issues over the next few hours/day/weeks/months/years. It’s the reverse of worry, which comes mostly when her body is inactive.

Modern women have been politicized to expect equality in all things. Instead, God intended or Nature produced fairness as the rule for marital compatibility. Seeking equality in social and domestic arenas causes internal conflict in females and resistance in males. It’s their nature to respond that way.

The primal motivation of women is to improve their sense of self-importance. They feel more important when their mate more directly helps with house work. When he avoids it, her sense of importance declines. Her gratitude for him also declines. The inequality spurs her to blame him for her dissatisfaction and unhappiness. So, when she thinks they should share equally, she makes motivating him to help her more important than making herself grateful for him, her, and theirs. She blames and lathers guilt with a wet mop.

Her blame disturbs his primary motivation, the need for self-admiration. While he doesn’t need admiration from outside himself, blame energizes him to fight back in order not to lose it. His fighting back of course dims her future, diminishes her reasons to be grateful, and weakens her sense of importance. It makes harder her fight to prevent loss of female dignity.

When she thinks like a man and seeks satisfaction, it pits her against him. They compete. She becomes jealous of his beating her because satisfaction is not the governor of the female heart and he so easily trumps her in satisfaction. When she chases happiness instead of satisfaction as her daily goal, they become compatible.

In modern days, compatibility shrinks in large measure because women expect men to share housework duties. More coming in post 2080 but you won’t like the truth of it.

 

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2078. The Battle over House Work — Part I: Who They Are


The different expectations and disputes over house work start with major, inborn, deep-rooted differences between men and women. I neither alibi nor justify on behalf of either sex. I explain how they are born differently and tend to behave accordingly.

First, the highest order of their differences. She’s born to be happy; he’s born to be satisfied. She’s motivated to improve her self-importance and needs the confirmation of others. Getting confirmation makes her happy. He’s motivated to seek self-admiration but doesn’t need confirmation. Earning self-admiration satisfies him.next

Second, let’s summarize who they are and nest post 2079 will describe how they interact as the result.

HIM. A man’s prime motivator to earn self-admiration doesn’t end when his workday is over. He seeks to accomplish other things, including some way to celebrate and reward himself for a day well done. He’s satisfied with himself, and it’s time for reward. IOW, he has a prescribed period each day for earning satisfaction, after which he’s ready for clicker, beer, and prospects of an enjoyable dinner. I don’t claim that men deserve it, but that their inborn nature drives them to doing it. Unless and until they are seduced, lured, or otherwise recruited by their woman to do something else. One reward for earning satisfaction is the privilege to decide for themselves what to do after work.

Basically, men accomplish things for themselves, but they marry when willing to use their ability to provide/protect others in exchange for the promise one woman holds for fostering and supporting his efforts outside the home. Deny his self-declared form of rewarding his accomplishments, and that same mate turns him toward self-centeredness with unexpected consequences that his dependents don’t appreciate.

Men are not motivated to seek happiness. If satisfied, they claim to be happy but that’s the extent of their concern with it.

HER. A woman’s primal need is for a brighter future and there’s never an end in sight. It can always be made brighter with more effort by her or others. She always has something else that needs to be done. Very unlike men. Also, her prime motivator to embellish her sense of self-importance doesn’t end daily because her home always requires maintenance materially, spiritually, emotionally, or domestically. Homework as opposed to housework. Men don’t do relationship maintenance, and so she inherits that burden too. She combines all her self-assigned responsibilities about what needs to be done before this day ends in order to shape tomorrow and the future. She follows her endless and constantly juggled priority list.

She needs a feeling of gratefulness for herself; it’s the first step to earning happiness. She finds gratitude in her ability and influence to nest and raise children in a peaceful atmosphere created by her. Leaning on that foundation of self-gratitude, she finds gratefulness in other people and things. Grateful for her mate, each child, friends, her home, his job, her job, cars, family’s good fortune, adequate bank balance, food available, health, wealth, church, friends, neighborhood, city, state, country. The list is endless if she but looks.

Her happiness rises as she finds gratitude outside herself. But she can find no more than she’s grateful for herself, which arises out of the way she continually brightens her future in the home. Dare I say it? —by homework as opposed to housework and partially after her mate has entered his daily R&R expecting to avoid ‘hard labor’.

In pursuit of happiness, women are not satisfied with being satisfied. There’s always more to come or do in the pursuit of happiness.

Next post 2079 revolves around what they do about his R&R.

 

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2076. Show Him Respect, Gratitude, Dependence


Miss Gina and Cinnamon at post 2074 asked for an expansion on this subject.

How to show appreciation, respect, gratitude, and dependence to her man? A dozen ways follow. But first a few pointers about men.

First, men appreciate unearned gifts very little and not to the extent that women expect or intend. Therefore, a woman’s intentions go largely unrequited because she measures him by female standards, expectations, and behaviors.

Second, if her man does what he expects of himself out of duty or responsibility, any gift doesn’t count for much. It includes ‘thank you’, which is too routine, unneeded, and lacks significance to him. He didn’t earn anything; he had to do it because it was his job, responsibility, custom, or habit.

Third, three examples of outcomes: He mows the grass regularly and after each she responds in one of three ways. 1) She says thank you in passing if at all, and he shrugs. 2) She says thank you while face to face, eyeball to eyeball, and he says okay. 3) She hands him a towel to wipe the sweat, leads him to his favorite seat, says sit, gets him a beer and chips, sits in front and smiles freshly, and acts as though he’s in armor and sitting a white horse. (Obviously hyperbolic but you get the drift. Play acting to some extent? Yes, but the actions stimulate the self-fulfilling prophecy affirmatively. He can’t miss her message. She appreciates him even more than what he does.)

Why doesn’t he appreciate the first two outcomes? Because he doesn’t think he earned anything; just did what he’s supposed to do. Another duty isn’t a big deal; he does it regularly and more for himself than her. Hence, he doesn’t convert her intentions into respect, gratitude, or dependence. She may intend it but her message doesn’t get though.

Now, consider the third option. Does he feel appreciated? Well, that’s good enough. That’s what a wife is supposed to do. She recognizes his worth, which just confirms his expectations. So all is well, grass is mown, and beer is cold. He’s satisfied and can begin preparing his thoughts in order to win tomorrow’s battles. Therefore, he’s either respected, she’s grateful for him, or she depends on him or all of the above. In any event, he sees that she appreciates him AND what he just did.

Now, the real question for you ladies is this. Do you want to be pleased with mown grass or a pleased husband? Which is more important to you? If he’s just pleasing himself, he can get any woman to say thank you. Men like to rescue women in distress because her rewards are unique, different, and not routine. Even a stranger’s thank you is unique since it comes from a different face. Where’s your uniqueness? Your dedication to who he is rather than just what he does? You should recognize that he likes to accomplish things that bring satisfaction before you even think to show appreciation.

Here are specific ways to show appreciation, respect, gratefulness, and dependence and confirm it routinely. Show that you’re grateful for him, which means that you’re also important to him, which means that his feedback is likely to be more favorable to you.

  1. In the company of a woman, regardless of subject, a man expects her to listen to him. Take away her ears—disinterest, distractions, distance in comprehension—and you take away his interest in her.
  2. Show respect for his ability to think by gently nudging him to clarify things a little more. Not too much though; you don’t want to outshine him on subjects over which he thinks he has mastery.
  3. From time to time remind him how you admired him in courtship. Even mention a few small things that made you choose him.
  4. Pay attention when he speaks. Listen closely until you can comment in ways that signal you heard him. Not to pass a direct compliment but an indirect one; that you think he knows what he’s talking about. IOW, exchange thoughts without causing disagreement.
  5. Find other ways to show gratitude without saying thank you for his doing things that he considers duty or responsibility. Indirectness is best and actions are better than words. He values more highly what he sees, just as she values more highly what she hears.
  6. Stare at him sometimes with a big smile. When he asks what, smile bigger say nothing, but maybe nod your head favorably and change the subject pleasantly or wander away as if enthralled by his presence. He can see that his presence makes you happy.
  7. When you’re awaiting a response or on something to happen, do it patiently and lean against his shoulder while you wait. Make it routine but not bothersome to him. Gently, just ‘touching base’ while you wait.
  8. Every day make it a habit to identify and tell him about one thing for which you are grateful for him or what he does. Just out of the clear for no apparent reason.
  9. You can shift more easily from work to home than he. So, don’t rattle and prattle all of your day events until you’ve given him time to unwind, shift his thoughts from work to home, and turn to you for attention.
  10. Don’t pry into his business. Inquire innocently and be grateful for whatever he shares. It’s not you. His competitive spirit keep him from exposing anything that can be used against him. It’s instinctive. (Oh, you love him and you never would do that, right? How about this? He suggests that he’s up for a pay raise. Weeks pass. No raise. You nag. No raise. After awhile you suspect something is wrong. You nag for him to approach his boss. He doesn’t. You fuss and then tire of fussing. You hold it against him. In effect, you disrespect him to handle it. You’re not grateful for him because he won’t fight for himself as you think he should. You depend less on him because your mind has already decided what will be done with the extra money. And you say you’d never use such information against him? In this scenario, how respectful have you been? Grateful for his actions? Dependent on his judgment?)
  11. He’s not the multi-tasker that you are. Cut him some slack. Show gratitude for what he does rather than what you can do or do better.
  12. And it’s still my favorite. No doubt because I coined it. “Men are never more handsome than when they please their Make it as routine as thank you has been for so many years and with such little effect on men.

In the end, his happiness in the home is shaped mostly by her attitude, sense of happiness, and pleasant demeanor toward him. With those in place, all’s right with his world—or at least that’s the way he’s made at birth.

 

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2075. Liked or Respected, Which is Best?


Dealing with men or their man, there are two kinds of women. Some seek to be liked and others to be respected. The former learn to live with continuous dislike of themselves; they look back continuously. The latter work to earn respect and behave as if they are respected; they don’t have to look back.

The difference determines how men perceive them by subliminally reading their attitudes. Men believe in and rely on their perceptions, especially what they see. A person’s attitude is the most obvious expression of what resides in their hearts and it’s virtually visible to the subconscious mind of men—though not as good as women read it.

Wanting to be liked works directly against a woman’s best interest. She misses out on being respected, which is the foundation of man’s love. Her attitude reveals a sense of inadequacy, which reveals lack of self-respect, which makes her unable to respect men as they expect it, and which discourages a man’s respect of her. Her begging for attention makes her annoying. Her sense of near or complete desperation scares men away; she’s unpredictable to male eyes.

Seeking to be liked also prompts women to explain themselves, which arises from their sense of inadequacy. They also complain too easily, which is prompted by feeling treated less than they deserve, which is prompted by the need for confirmation of their self-importance. When they don’t get the reactions they expect, both their self-image and self-worth plummet, which prompts more complaining and explaining.

The other kind of woman works independently to her own advantage. She seeks to be respected as a person, woman, mother, and her other roles and in that order. As a person she doesn’t look down on others. As a woman she holds her head high and stands up for herself to men. As a mother she insists that father defer to her as prime leader of her children. As a housewife she determines how and by whom housework will be done. As an employee she determines the value of her work effort relative to her responsibilities at home. And on and on through her other roles.

She latches onto and replenishes her spirit with inborn strengths, such as female modesty, feminine vanity, mirror-enhanced prettiness, monogamous spirit, relative meekness, submissive spirit, and extra respect for those that earn it. All used to get her way in matters dealing with her moral, ethical, and religious standards and expectations for the others around her. She will not win all the battles, but it’s the standing up for herself that wins the wars with each guy including husband.

The respectable woman is a proactive member of the superior sex and can capitalize on it as long as she doesn’t claim that as her inheritance. IOW, as long as men don’t hear it from her mouth.

The self-fulfilling prophecy works in both cases. The harder one woman tries to be liked, the more her self-like declines. She gets feedback opposite to that she longs for. The more the other woman works to sustain or improve her respectability, the more affirming feedback she gets from all men and especially her own.

 

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2074. Compatibility Axioms #481-490


All that follows below is based on the natures of men and women as they are born. Women have to figure out what’s best for them given the lessons they have learned in life and the relationships they enter.

481. Easy sex might promote shack up and even short marriage within the mind of her boyfriend. But, it won’t stir up the foundational respect needed for enduring love that survives the inevitable fading of romantic love. [171]

482. Girls cheapen themselves to attract a boyfriend, and success builds habit. Men don’t value cheap women except for sex, which forces such girls as women to bounce from one man to another. [171]

483. Men have access to too much easy sex to endure one female’s nagging and attempts to change him or his life. As one man said of his ex: “Somewhere, someplace, some guy is tired of her s_ _ _!” [171]

484. Promiscuity fends off men, not for her as temporary sex partner but as keeper. Encountering her past lovers threaten him after conquest but doesn’t discourage him before.  [171]

485. To prove their newfound sexual freedom, women abandon the greatest strategy for attracting, capturing, and keeping a man. That is, no sex without devotion and deep obligation developed and proven over an extended courtship (especially including fellatio). [171]

486. When she chases a man for his looks, she wants to impress him and be liked. However, he receives the message that she’s available and disposable. [172]

487. Go after the hunk and dislike what follows the bunk. After she beds the hottie, she’s as disposable as a nottie. Hunks learn early that they get what they want without giving of themselves. So, they keep getting and getting, which calls for someone else. [172]

488. A husband views his wife’s ‘constructive criticism’ this way: “I know it’s good for me. I just can’t stand so much goodness.” [172]

489. If he does not see that she needs him, he will become temporary. Her expressions of affection make her feel good, but they do not show her need for him as do her respect, gratitude, and dependence. [172]

490. Men don’t respect desperate people. A desperate woman is not a keeper and is dumpable without much remorse. [172]

 

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2071. RANDOM THOUGHTS—Group 95


  • The sexes differ. She respects what she sees (her secondary sensor) and likes what she hears (her primary and most dependable sensor). He respects what he hears (his secondary sensor) and likes what he sees (his primary and most dependable sensor).
  • Adolescent meanness is not new. But I recently heard one that particularly galled me. Either on TV or video a girl pointed at an overweight boy, rustled her huge bosom in mockery, pointed at the boy’s fat-surrounded nipples, and ridiculed him as a ‘birl’. Clever yes. With that kind of disrespect among teens, how can any kind of respect grow among them as adults. If they’re always looking for ways to disrespect someone, adolescents and adultolescents will find it.
  • Women seem convinced that fear of rejection makes men cautious of approaching a woman. However, it’s not the rejection; they can handle that. It’s having failed in the masculine competitive spirit to capture and hold her attention that really sucks up his ego, prevents self-admiration, and temporarily shrivels his sense of significance.
  • Females who practice masculine-style sexual freedom weaken the institution of marriage. 1) They provide men with frequent and convenient sex without making them obligate themselves and demonstrate respect for females as special individuals, equally unique people, and other than sex machines. 2) The presence of cheap and easy sex lures husbands away from faithful husbanding and responsible fathering.

 

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2055. Romance — His Side of the Story


Romance to women is payday for living graciously important lives on behalf of their man. Romance to men is pre-conquest attention and what leads up to and includes foreplay. The gap is huge and requires relationship experts to close it. Although not instinctive to men, women can make it intuitive to them.

Not needful of romance, men don’t easily comprehend the criticality of it in their lives. Even worse, they have great difficulty making sense of it. Thus, men routinely leave women adrift in a sea of puzzlement, anxiety, and doubt about the worthiness of their man.

So, in reality, the male’s shortcoming about romance brings out each woman’s need to improve her man, which is the same as putting the hook of marriage in her mouth. As a man shines brightly as marital candidate, his shortcoming as a romancer makes him even more eligible. She invites herself to change him after the altar. Tsk Tsk! Far better to teach him before conquest.

Men are not eager to participate in romance. They take or find various exceptions:

  • Men suspect they should but can’t master the art sufficiently well to meet female expectations. They can see that certain things make their woman feel romanced. They pick up bits and pieces of the art from other women. But they also pick up the lack of conviction to practice it routinely or steadfastly. They feel guilty for awhile and then forget it.
  • Womanly viewed romance includes the willing exchange of feelings. Just the event thrills women but not men. They have all manner of reasons for not exposing their feelings. The most influential being that they are born that way. Another is that disclosure makes them competitively weaker, which goes against their primal nature.
  • Men dodge romance partially because women push them where they are not ready to go. As women participate, they seem to suck men into faster relationship development than men like. Scary resistance sets in as women try to get commitment before a guy is ready for it. Thus, romancing a woman can become a virtual trap or opportunity to fail or both.
  • Her romantic impatience pressures him to change into her model of what a romancer should be or do. Not being inclined to feel guilty about emotional matters, men simply forget to try very hard.
  • In this day and age, the road to frequent and convenient sex elsewhere is too easy to waste time on female-expected romance. (Dating is virtually extinct on college campuses, and men are the cause but not responsible.)
  • Even if they do romance a woman, they feel vulnerable to being compared to other guys with other women, much like performance in bed. That’s a threat to their competitive reputation with men, which threatens their sense of significance. So, they just try to get by with the minimum of whatever is required to bed her.
  • Because they lack sufficient skill, soft-heartedness, and perceptiveness about romancing women well, men see little opportunity to earn self-admiration.
  • Romancing a woman does not make a man love her more. More devoted to her, yes. But giving or receiving romance plays but a very minor role in his love. His love is based on respect for who she is and what she does plus her likeability to have and be around. Likeability being based on her attractiveness in his eyes and what comes out of her mouth.

Men don’t inherit romantic skills at birth. Women, however, have all the reasons for men to initiate romance, and so they blame men. Blame makes it worse; it excuses women from responsibility for how men treat them. If men don’t know how, why, or when romance is expected, how do they learn? They need to be taught.

Just the term romance reminds men of foreplay and what it leads to. Of course a few other passing signs of attention and affection are necessary to gain a woman’s acceptance. But for the most part, the lead up to and foreplay are a guy’s notion of romance—including husbands of many years.

Many, many men are romantic at heart. Yet, except for greater willingness to try to do right things by women, they haven’t much incentive to express romance. They might embarrass themselves. They might be in the wrong about a woman’s willingness to accept their fumbling for proper words. They are naturally resistant to expose themselves, because it can be used against them and threaten their role as dominant member of a couple. They are even more resistant if women in their culture are typically critical or mean-spirited.

The romantic-at-heart man has many female-friendly traits and habits. Generally, women adore him for it. He has learned the enjoyment of masculine soft-heartedness, which reduces the hard-headedness among females he deals with. He teases young girls and it brings out their prettiness and confirms their importance to themselves. He is sensitive to female sensibilities, eager to find attractiveness in others, appreciates loveliness in natural things, honors her modesty as priceless trait, and proves himself friendly toward others. Mean-spiritedness is either lacking or suppressed among women he deals with.

In the end, the more alpha the male, the less willing to share his innermost feelings. Romantic-at-heart alpha men depend on their actions rather than their words to convey their devotion. Immortalized by Hollywood’s western heroes of yesteryear. Alpha non-romantics specifically hide their feelings behind facades that make body language practically unreadable. They use their hard-headed nature to suppress any soft-heartedness that may creep into their thoughts. Their women can expect romance to mean foreplay, period.

However and forever, the romantic man is still an ardent member of the male gender and fits in with the others. Generally, he also is super-reluctant to expose personal feelings for many manly reasons. 1) He refuses until and except as he detects a woman’s willingness to not laugh, reject, or disdain what he has to say about his deeper feelings. 2) His competitive nature says don’t reveal his full hand to competitors, and each woman is a competitor until conquered by him personally. 3) Even after conquest, to expose his feelings reflects weakness and makes him vulnerable. It lasts until his woman breathes sufficient cooperation into their lives and it converts his spirit from competition to harmonizing with her. 4) His dominant nature says don’t enable a mate to interfere with his dominance, and women have been known to try when they are aware of his deeper feelings. Women are also known to use all the leverage they can muster from receiving new information. In fact, it’s a constant urge residing in each woman’s heart; she can improve him. To do so, of course, is to tamper with his sense of both dominance and significance.

Concluding, men have natural and learned tendencies to not be eager and perhaps even avoid being romantic as visualized in female dreams and expectations. It confirms men as immovable but subject to ever present irresistible force by females. It never ends. She wants better pay for her graciously important life and expects it in romance dollars. His romance earning power is often so poor that he qualifies for under-employed romance insurance, which women provide out of their soft-heartedness, self-gratitude, and patient hope for better romancing ahead.

 

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