Category Archives: sex differences

2020. God Designs, Nature Endows, Hormones Energize


I’m taking off for 10 days or so. Today I post a quick summary of what both sexes ‘inherit’ at birth and some relationship principles and standardized practices that result from it. All else on the blog is derived from or somehow connected to this refresher. It should be worth more than a read-through.

Men are born as the dominant and women as the superior sex. The immovable object of dominance versus the irresistibly adjustable and survivable force of superiority brings a well-designed and natural balance to the world. However, the balance is inevitably disrupted by personalities and politics in the home, across the country, and around the globe.

These blessings are hardwired into the heart and mind before birth. What people learn later often interferes or overrides, but that may or may not make it better.

  1. Both sexes inherit everything they need to be compatible with a mate of the opposite sex. (In life, however, their free will enables them to think, learn, and do things that directly discourage their natural compatibility.)
  2. Women inherit everything they need to be happy, but they have to earn it. Happiness is the result of their finding and reinforcing gratefulness for themselves, other people, and things vital for compatibility and family. (However, the development of happiness is retarded to the extent they lack gratefulness about and for themselves. You can’t share what you don’t have.)
  3. It’s the counterpart to happiness for women. Men are born to be satisfied, but they routinely earn it with their multiple missions and daily accomplishments. (A man’s return home daily from the job is a sign of satisfaction and cause for celebration. You have noticed that he acts that way, right?)
  4. Ambition provides men with an endless string of missions in life; he’s never finished doing man things. Women have one mission, to live a good life for self and family; they try to make all else fit in.
  5. The prime motivational force within women is their continuous effort to prove their sense of personal importance. However, they are not self-sufficient. Instead, they form and confirm their importance through connections with other people.
  6. The prime motivational force within men is their continuous effort to earn self-admiration. Most everything they choose to do is aimed toward it. They may appreciate the admiration of others, but they don’t have to have it. They find enough within their independence. (Men are thus self-sufficient in both self-admiration and personal satisfaction. Confirmation and encouragement help but are not essential.)
  7. Women are born pretty and men are born handy. (Both, however, are particularly vulnerable to have their advantage suppressed by childhood influences that may include denial by caregivers.)
  8. Women are born modest and men immodest. (Girls, however, are particularly vulnerable to have their natural sense of modesty altered by childhood influences and even ‘stolen’ by caregivers.)
  9. Men are driven to compete with Nature, other men, and to shape human events. Women are driven to nest, nurture, and nestle with loved ones.
  10. Men need only a place to flop, eat, throw their things, and prepare for tomorrow’s battles. Women need a brighter future.
  11. Men primarily want independence to do as they wish in adjusting to the challenges and situations of life. Women primarily want someone to be available and able to help when insurmountable personal issues and catastrophes intervene with their importance and pursuit of happiness; usually a man best fits the bill.
  12. Men fear insignificance, especially when indicated by their mate. Women fear abandonment, first by their father and then by their mate.
  13. Men focus on the present; they expect to be able to handle what arises with the future. Women focus on the future; they think it their duty to shape it today in the most female-friendly manner for them and family later. [The rest that follows below are more like 'apps' than simple inheritance.]
  14. Men are primarily producers and women are primarily processors. The producer mindset causes men to provide, protect, and problem solve within their domains of responsibility; that is, when they perceive it their duty to do so. Women as processors shape and integrate the results of producers into relationships.
  15. Men are primarily competitors and tend to cooperate only when they see the need. Women are the opposite.
  16. Hardwiring gives rise to the eternal war of the sexes. Men seek to conquer women for sex. Women seek to conquer men for permanent mating. (Marriage isn’t a natural inheritance but pleasant insurance wrought by the irresistible force of the female sex.)
  17. Men seek to mate with a respectable and virtuous woman. He respects a candidate’s natural inheritances, such as sexual uniqueness, female modesty, feminine mystique, and strong preference for monogamous marriage. Second, he admires certain of her personal qualities, which then become virtues to him.
  18. Women seek to mate with a man devoted to her, and devotion is both created by and reflected from whatever he does to please himself by catering to her interest.
  19. A man’s love is founded on respect. The more he respects women generally and one in particular, the more and deeper he’s capable of loving.
  20. A woman’s love is based on her sense of self-importance to provide a particular man with what she thinks he needs to fulfill his life.
  21. Successful mating depends upon satisfactory results within daily interactions. Specifically, why, how, and what he does to and for her. And why, how, and what she says to and about him. (Compatibility falls apart quicker and more easily from repeated doses of minor irritants—his actions, her words, or both—than their relationship is held together by the bigger influences of love, vows, and sex.)
  22. Men change after conquering a woman for their first sex together. He’s released from the hunt to set new goals. His respect slows or stops its growth. He assumes control of their sexual agenda. He decides her role in his life.
  23. Single women change after being conquered by a man. She has bonded and imagines that he has too. Guilt plagues her that she may have made a mistake. Recognizing that a relationship-shaking event has occurred, she settles into anxiety about what the future holds. To live with her anxieties, she tries to convince herself that she now has him headed to the altar. She craves any kind of feedback from him as to what happens next.
  24. Men compete with men for the best woman. They compete with women for conquest, after which they refuse or avoid competition, mainly because they fear losing to a woman they ‘own’ by virtue of conqueror’s right.
  25. In the marketplace where couples form, women compete with women by making themselves virtuous. It comes first from making themselves physically attractive and second from qualities of personality, character, and likeability that individual men find admirable. When she senses that she’s competitive with other women, she feels worthy and deserving and becomes a buyer in the relationship marketplace with each man as a potential seller; whoever he is, he has to earn her. If she feels non-competitive, unworthy, or undeserving, then she acts desperately and makes bad choices throughout the marketplace.
  26. Making herself sexually attractive in public adds two female-unfriendly biases to the male mind. 1) It diverts his attention from her as person, woman, and potential mate and polarizes his interest on conquest. 2) It reminds that women are all alike sexually after conquest. She thus kills her own uniqueness when she invites his mind to think about sex instead of her.
  27. The female sex is born with aptitude, ability, and interest to perform as relationship experts, managers, and sustainers. Males are born with a deep aversion to being changed by someone else. Consequently, they lack interest in relationship management as it implies that they should change, which is to admit they are guilty.
  28. To men, physical infidelity is both worst and intolerable. To women, emotional infidelity is worse than the physical, because it constitutes mental and probable physical abandonment.
  29. Guilt plagues women; they have the inherent ability to live constantly with loads of it. Men can’t or won’t live with guilt. They resist, rebuff, resent, and rebut when someone flings guilt in their direction. They refuse to accept burdens of guilt that don’t originate within them personally. When they do accept self-imposed guilt, they may or may not take correcting or compensating action. Whether they do or don’t, they dispose of all guilt by forgetting it sooner rather than later. They don’t carry it well or long.
  30. Men marry on the promise that their woman will support and encourage his missions in life. Women marry on the belief that their man can achieve greater things within the framework of her guidance.

As children grow they are bombarded with values, standards, and influences that alter, replace, or even contradict what they are born with. It especially makes women less aware of what came with their birth, but it doesn’t make them less needful of their internal guidance computer, which is their heart as hardwired before birth.

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EDITORIAL COMMENT

Society is what we all do. Culture is why we all do it. Females are born this way. They can’t dominate society; men do that too extensively. But they do inherit at birth the capability to indirectly set, impose, and police the values, standards, and expectations by which men govern society. For example: Men conquered the west but women civilized it. Morality crumbles today, because women allow and even join in to make it happen.

Our foremothers mastered the art of dominating the culture in the first several American centuries. They managed the social and domestic value systems indirectly but so well that two male-dominated religions morphed into our female-dominated Judeo-Christian culture. The same value system that is now being ripped apart by making Christianity and religious belief illegal, immoral, unethical, or politically incorrect.

As women go so goes men. Within the female nature lies the capability to recover our female-friendly culture. Men can’t and won’t do it without the indirect influence of their woman—not women—their woman. It will take the breakfast-table, pillow-talk transfer of wifely expectations into society via individual men, which further implies that husbands have to recapture dominance of society from single men, which further implies that wives must restore their dominance of nest and home.

Oh, were it only that easy.

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2014. Fathering: New Thoughts on It


  • The essence of mother-love is unconditional respect for the child. The essence of father-love is conditional respect based on a mix of four ingredients. 1) The actions he takes to fulfill his sense of duty for raising his offspring. Feelings follow actions and so actions program his heart. 2) The respect the child earns in the father’s eyes. Men don’t respect without reason. Boys don’t either, but before puberty they learn to copy their mother’s respect for others. 3) Fathers respect for the mother is sufficient that he doesn’t want to disappoint her or let her think him incapable or insignificant.
  • Fathers enforce mom’s teaching of obedience but they lack unconditional respect for the child; their respect revolves naturally around kids doing what mom or dad expects. When involved to impose discipline on children, men are more energized to appreciate and preserve their own self-respect than respect the culprit they face. Consequently, a natural gap exists between a woman’s urge to unconditionally respect a child and a man’s expectation that respect be earned. Mom more easily than dad earns a child’s respect. As with men, a boy’s love is founded on respect for the love object. So, son loves father proportional to his respect for dad, which emanates from dad’s trust for son.
  • From toddlerhood to adulthood, children learn to respect others according to the trust they are shown as self-developers. (Boys try it independently and learn by mistakes but girls seek guidance to avoid mistakes.) To the extent they are trusted as self-developers, kids view themselves respected as a person, a boy or girl, and as a member of the family in that order. Later in life, boys self-develop as fathers, which requires they shift roles and give trust to earn the respect of children. (Demanding respect before trusting kids torpedoes the long-range interest of fathers; kids learn not to trust dad.)
  • Consequently, the road of true father-love loops from endless trust for child’s self-development to ever-growing respect for father. Around and around it loops and gathers emotional momentum. But the loop needs an on-ramp. Since a man’s love builds on a foundation of respect, fathers enter the fray awkwardly. They must trust the child first if they are to be respected. (It reminds of this: Wife must first trust husband, if she expects to be respected with emotional faithfulness. Mutual love grows out of trust and respect continually uplifted with both parties adding energy with new initiatives.)
  • Greater trust of child generates greater respect for father, which encourages father to serve better as near-nurturer to the toddler, leader of the prepubescent, and coach to the teen.

 

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2006. Trust, Respect, and Competition


This parenthetical thought in #2004 spurred Her Highness Cocoa’s curiosity. “Incidentally, a man’s respect declines for a woman conquered by someone for whom he lacks respect.”

She posed these questions: ”What are the elements that make a man less respect another man? His job? His income? His wife? His attitude and manners??? And once this respect is less or lost can it be restored? Also, do the same principles apply to man respecting a woman?”

For the most part of the male nature, two elements determine one man’s respect for another.

1) Can the observed be trusted according to the trustful values and expectations of the observer? Yes generates respect; no generates little or no respect. The greater the trust perceived, the greater is the respect returned. The higher the trust standards in the observed, the greater the respect of the observer. Dealing with untrustworthy people denies a man the opportunity to earn self-admiration—he never knows where the firm ground lies upon which he can stand. By causing that, untrustworthy people nullify his ability to respect them.

2) Is the observed man the competitive equal or better of the observer? The better the competitive ability of the observed over the observer, the greater the respect the latter has for the former. The greater the observer views his ability to out-compete the observed, the less opportunity he has to earn self-admiration and, therefore, the less respect he has for the observed.

Can loss of respect be restored? Yes. Christian salvation enables men to accept the risk of unconditionally respecting other men until disrespect is earned. Also, enhanced trustworthiness can upgrade respect. If the observed man is not respected for whatever reasons but he showers respect upon the observer, then to the extent that the observer perceives greater trust in the observed, the observer’s respect grows for the observed.

It’s one of life’s fascinating paradoxes. Trust sent one way returns as respect and vice versa. But respect does not beget respect nor does trust beget trust.

——

Do the same principles apply to man respecting woman? Yes, in the matter of trust. It works the same. a) In the matter of competition, it works the opposite. b) More difficult to explain, she loses New Man’s respect by bad mouthing her ex.

a) His male nature tells a man that he’s the competitive better of a woman, and his dominance confirms his self-admiration. If a woman initiates competition, it’s obvious that she fails to recognize his dominant role, which threatens his sense of self-admiration, which earns his distrust out of fear that he could lose to her, which forces him to admit her as possibly superior, which forces him to show respect for the winner if and when she defeats him. Men can’t admit to losing to a woman, and so they find solace in avoiding it by disrespecting her as soon as she initiates competition. They hope showing disrespect will trigger a change in the female mind to back off the competition, but of course it seldom works that way. But yet, the self-fulfilling prophecy works and his show of disrespect transmutes into real disrespect and weakening of his love.

To men a woman competes and is perfectly respectable trying to conquer a man for marriage before he conquers her for first-time sex. After his conquest, however, further competition weakens his respect and love. His conqueror’s right expects and the female nature delivers her cooperation to the exclusion of competition. Thus, they self-develop according to their natures.

b) I re-quote this from the top. “Incidentally, a man’s respect declines for a woman conquered by someone for whom he lacks respect.” Women favor full disclosure with New Man but it backfires when she describes her past relationships. Not just sexual history either. Bad mouthing her ex broadcasts to New Man that she has poor judgment, knows too little about men, and cannot be trusted to not talk about him if they ever break up. Those factors discourage New Man’s respect for her and a man’s love is based on respect. Consequently, bad mouthing her ex weakens her relationship with New Man.

Nothing in human relations is ever simple. It’s all relative, all cause and effect between the sexes.

 

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2005. RANDOM THOUGHTS—Group 93


  • Why do women want their man to dress up? Impress her? Yep! Show his devotion? Yep! He acts more appealing and likeable when dressed up? Yep! Those make her feel good, but something else registers higher. Her sense of self-importance must be frequently fed by what others think of her. Consequently, she feels highly important on the arm of her well-dressed man. It confirms that he’s important to her and signals that she’s important to him. He obviously treasures her, since he’s gone far out of his way to look great to be with her. Furthermore, she’s that way on an everyday basis. The better he looks, the greater she shines—daily.
  • Where freedom reigns, as it once did in America, female sensibilities rule the culture. Women indirectly feather the edges around male behavior to make society more suitable for women and children. Unfortunately, men, media, and political activists have watered down female sensibilities with sex education, politics, and porn. Women no longer dominate cultural values, social standards, and domestic expectations. Male dominance has recaptured America today.
  • Selfishness left uncorrected in childhood prevents women from finding gratitude, the absence of which causes unhappiness. They seek happiness at the expense of others, but it eludes them. Selfishness causes men to pursue satisfaction at the expense of others; they become easy to understand but difficult to accept.
  • Religious and political conversions have this in common: One quits living by what they have experienced and starts living by a code that promises who they can be. For example, a Christian is saved, a communist turns conservative or vice versa, or a Christian turns Muslim or vice versa. They adopt a new life based on promises of a better one. But not all of those beliefs are built upon the desire to be a better person for humanity; most are built upon becoming a better member of the group and groups fracture humanity.

 

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2004. RANDOM THOUGHTS—Group 92


  • When you’re about to be raped by a date, accuracy and truthfulness don’t matter. Slow your defense long enough to say, “Your mother said you would NEVER do this. Does your mother always call you by the name she used with me? Or does she lie?” And just keep talking about his mother while defending yourself physically. (If it slows or stops him, it’s the surprise of you possibly having talked to his mother about him. Threatening to later tell his mother won’t have a similar wilting effect.)
  • If a man is going to devote himself to a woman, he wants to know what men preceded him sexually in her life. Several reasons prompt his curiosity, and several outcomes hinge on the revelations. It’s not the ‘used’ and unused issue. That’s how he hides his agenda. It’s those other guys. When? How recent? Who? Do I know them? Will I meet them? Were they better in bed with her? Will they return to her or vice versa? Who will she compare me with? How faithful was she to them? Were my family or friends involved? Will she turn back to them? What emotional attachments and physical attractions remain? (Incidentally, a man’s respect declines for a woman conquered by someone for whom he lacks respect.) [121]
  • Equality isn’t truly attainable and interferes with compatibility this way. Inequities remain in the minds of those who lose decisions that are supposedly rendered on the basis of equality. On the other hand, fairness promotes compatibility. It resolves issues by generating decisions at least acceptable to both sides. If not always agreeable, the ‘losing side’ doesn’t feel compelled to search for new arguments. Fairness aims for common-sense and vice versa. (Revolutionaries, political activists, and radical feminists use the females’ natural hope for more equality to separate men and women into warring classes. It works too. I’ve watched it worsen male-female relations for a half-century.)

 

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2003. RANDOM THOUGHTS—Group 91


  • What is a man’s love? Women see it as inadequate because female love is far more proactive than male love. Love is a man’s satisfaction—which is not a motivator—with his woman’s importance in his life. Perhaps, although not a natural urge, he displays affection or other expressions of his gratefulness.
  • Big breasts and deep cleavage stir the adolescent spirit of men but little else. Neither stirring of adolescence nor focusing men on sex has much to do with promoting romantic or eternal love. Men do not love for sex; they love a fascinating woman and foresee promise that she can make their life mutually satisfying with sex playing a major role.
  • This happens naturally. You pray to God on behalf of someone that you do not like or respect all that much or perhaps not at all. Keep it up. Prayers change your heart and you soon find that you really do respect the person and maybe even like them. More respect improves relationships. Wives, are you listening?
  • Women’s hopes and dreams form in girlhood, remain for life, and adjust to reality. Men’s hopes and dreams originate throughout life amid intentions to change at least the world nearby.
  • She practices virtual virginity and has been invited for a weekend out of town. She accepts and demands to pay for her separate accommodations. Her message cannot be misunderstood.
  • Women feel lonely in the absence of others. Being alone, men are not lonely if they have something they should be doing. A man’s sense of responsibility thus prevents loneliness.
  • Born to seek and find satisfaction, men also find that it placates disappointments. Born to be happy, however, women must earn it. They seek happiness also to assuage the guilt that makes them feel undeserving. But it does not fully happen until they learn how to forgive themselves.
  • Usually justified as convenient and unnecessary to win masculine attention, careless and sloppy habits in females reflect low self-esteem, diminish self-respect, weaken self-worth, shrink self-image, and lower self-interest. IOW, females develop shortcomings in those cornerstones of personality that normally earn the admiration of men. Shortcomings, however, that other women see and duplicate to be fashionable and ‘join the crowd’. Such female leaders and followers ignore and consequently fail to honor this natural law. Women compete with other women for the best men. The lack of female competition within their gender, which normally generates higher standards among men, lowers the character of human behavior all across society—morally, religiously, philosophically, politically, economically. OTOH, extending themselves beyond convenience enables women to dominate the cultural values that tame male aggressiveness and guide both sexes in society.

 

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1979. Admiration: The Prime Motivator of Men


Women don’t recognize the tap-root of male nature, that which primarily motivates a man. Women focus too much on sex and  seem not to understand the full picture of that*. Something else energizes him and determines what he does and becomes, primarily does for himself but also in relationships. If women use it to figure out their man, both become more valuable in the eyes of the other.

The closed loop of male behavior is structured around one thing, earning admiration. First, earn it himself for himself. Second, witness other people earn it from him and thus enable his judgment ability to be self-admired.

The loop emanates from his primal need for self-admiration and proceeds close to this order: generate ambitions, determine missions, set goals, and accomplish things. Successes all along that process provide self-admiration. A satisfied need no longer motivates, however, and so out springs the urge for more significant achievements and more self-admiration. Men are constantly reaching for new, better, and greater ambitions. The process of earning admiration never ends even after age or incapacity make labor no longer the primary venue.

For this article, we consider that which he earns for himself and that which he enables women to earn from him. Obviously there is more, admiration of men for example, but that’s another story.

Self. A man’s deep-rooted need of self-admiration prompts him to seek work, any work, as it provides the best opportunity**. He admires himself for successful achievements and even for his potential to be successful at whatever he undertakes. Both achievements and his potential accumulate and blend to become his sense of significance and consequent self-worth in his world. He admires his significance as the ultimate truth, because it’s the product of all that he’s produced. Although seldom recognized except when women threaten it, a reinforcing helper for his urge to accomplish things is this: His greatest fear is insignificance.

Men welcome and appreciate the recognition and admiration of others, but it’s not essential. They are independent by nature and reasonably satisfied with self-admiration. Lessons learned in life, however, make them expect recognition, appreciation, and even admiration for their efforts. And especially from those who depend upon them without giving due credit.

Women. A woman becomes of lasting personal interest to a man because of her virtues, those qualities in her that he admires and that remain or may be discovered after conquest. As described in post 1977, qualities that he admires become virtues. Virtues of importance to him make her fascinating, which is the attraction that holds him. With more virtues and increased intensity in her fascination, a man finds promise in her as his mate. And that pulls or pushes him to or at least toward the altar.

Being unconquered is not a virtue; he wants her for sex but he doesn’t admire her status. However, he respects virtual virginity. Her determination to protect her interest by not yielding earns his admiration. Her availability for post-conquest sex is not a virtue either; too many other willing women. Unless, that is, he admires her sexual—shall I say—dexterity? But that can lead to loss of respect for her, which is another story.

His motivational consideration of her boils down to this. Her qualities earn his admiration. It pleases his sense of self-admiration for finding her so virtuous and thus fascinating. That makes her fit snugly into his personal ambitions, missions, goals, and accomplishments that he anticipates for the present and perhaps the future.

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*To the male mind, conquest and other sex are significantly different in both urge and result.

**Childcare and housekeeping lack opportunity because they don’t require his strengths or expertise. The former threatens his significance, too much potential to innocently do harm or produce bad or poor results. The latter requires boredom in order to endure. Neither has much potential to earn self-admiration. Better ways exist and he wants to get to them.

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NOTE: I suspect that the sexes are hugely divided over what they think are virtues in a woman. For those readers who may be interested, I could enjoy seeing what they nominate as virtuous in the eyes of men. Not what women tell themselves is virtuous about each other, but what they think men admire in the normal course of masculine behavior. Whatever you nominate, I will try to contrast it to what I think men admire. We might be able to piece together something significant to portray as sex differences.

 

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1975. RANDOM THOUGHTS—Group 90


  • Men are self-healers. The mere presence of a fascinating woman is therapy for the man who judges her fascinating.
  • A couple’s relationship primarily depends upon what he does to and for her and what she says to and about him. Success is proportional to how they favor and find gratitude with their secondary sensors, his ears and her eyes.
  • Men have a natural ‘kink’ in their hearing that arises from their hunter’s instinct. Women lack it. When his woman starts to talk, subconsciously a man determines if it’s relevant to his interest before he listens closely. She, however, starts listening at his first words.
  • Men marry expecting their wife not to change but women do change. Women marry expecting their husband to change but men don’t change at the expectation of a woman whom they have conquered. (That’s why calling a man Mr. Right ruins a woman’s game plan. She waits until after conquest to try to change him.)
  • Two conquerors match up their interests. He seeks their first sex together. She seeks marriage. He changes to please her before conquest but resists all attempts to change him afterward. She changes after marriage and often too much. He then views her as a different woman, resented as one he did not marry.
  • Women compete with other women for the best men. Women that compete with men to win a man inevitably lose in the end.
  • Where freedom prevails, society goes as women go. They determine, spread, and insist on the values by which society conducts itself.
  • Men do whatever women require in order for men to have frequent and convenient access to sex. When wives dominate cultural values and women require marriage for sex, then men marry for life.
  • Prostitutes forgive easily. Husbands visit them to demonstrate their manly ability without fear of criticism or doing something poorly or wrong. Sexual release is a bonus.
  • To forgive yourself is easy. Just ask for the Lord’s forgiveness. He resides in your heart by faith. If you think he forgives you but you can’t forgive yourself, then you lack faith, trust, or both. So, work on getting closer to Him instead of moping about guilt.

 

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