993. Virgin? Keep It Secret!—Part III

Her Highness R.A. asked: “How can he appreciate my being a virgin if he doesn’t actually know that I am one? I get that his imagination builds on the way I present myself—therefore he concludes that I am one. But how can he truly appreciate it, if he doesn’t know whether his assumptions are true or false?”

The more accurate a man’s picture of a woman he desires, the more freedom he has to treat her as if she’s already his. With knowledge of her he marches onward and upward, confident that he does all the right things. Or her mystery confounds him, and he’s forced to slow and prove his worth to the woman he desires.

As he tries to uncover her actual status and she keeps it private, he has to assume at least virtual and perhaps actual virginity. Otherwise, she could not be so successful holding up his conquest. Mystery piles up, curiosity rages, and his imagination keeps him focused on her instead of his world away from her. Moreover:

• You want him to APPRECIATE YOU in spite of your sexual status. What he concludes from your behavior convinces him more than what you tell him. You can capitalize on it.
• There’s a lot more to you than sex, whether experienced or not. Virginity embellishes a man’s focus on sex more than your other qualities, and you want less of it.
• Help him dream about the conquering glory pending on the wedding night. More mystery causes more dreaming.
• Contrary to what women have been taught by pop culture values, both modest apparel and feminine behavior generate mystery that’s killed by erogenous skin exposure and talking about sex. (Men claim NOT! but they have vested interest in what pleases the eye and easier conquests.)
• Remove mystery and you make yourself less valuable in his imagination. The more curiosity you satisfy, the less mysterious you appear and the less his imagination stays fired up for you and ‘us’. Curiosity keeps him attracted; knowledge may or may not.
• Women think of virginity as sex. Men think of virginity as competition, conquest, and his simpler dominance of her.
• You don’t want him to APPRECIATE your virgin status until the wedding night. The more surprises he APPRECIATES the first night, the more respect you earn for the long term.

His assumptions about your sexual experience are not your worry. Focus his efforts on pleasing you and on your earning his respect. You can best keep his focus off your sexual status and background by downplaying it as private and trivial from the start.

During courtship you want him to appreciate his pending bride, not sex. Talking about sexual relations removes mystery. Modest and light-hearted dismissal of the subject helps keep him at bay. Generate honeymoon mystery for him, or he won’t be nearly as excited as you. If he’s certain of what to expect in the bedroom, you have less influence over how the wedding night and honeymoon play out.

Part I of this series, #935, presents the primary list of reasons a woman’s sexual status should be kept private.

982. Virgin Bridegroom—Part III

Whether a bridegroom’s virginity is attributable to willpower or lack of opportunity, the honeymoon suite threatens him.

Masculine abstinence during hormone-filled years empowers the buildup of doubt, anxieties, and fears. They accumulate, compound during courtship, and make him a poor candidate for the most exciting moment in his life.

The virginal groom arrives at the honeymoon bed. Angst floods his mind. Bride will either enjoy it or not, but that’s not the prime issue. He intends to give it his best effort, but hormone-driven emotions interfere dramatically.

He has dreamed long and hard about this ‘first time’ objective: Make sex work so as not to shame or embarrass himself. However, anticipation eats at his confidence. Lack of experience pushes him to focus on Act II. It’s natural. It’s where his performance counts, where he MUST prove himself to himself, or the honeymoon is lost. (He can’t just dump her, if he shames himself.)

The threat of failure further weakens self-confidence. Consequently, the virgin bridegroom enters marriage full of negative emotions that flow from denying his hormonal nature for so long. He also faces many more obstacles:

• Too much anxiety causes pre-ejac, which causes the worst kind of shame and virtual disgrace. She feels compelled to encourage him with well-meaning sympathy, but even bridal softening still registers as near-disgrace in front of his most valued possession.
• Or, anxiety pushes him to bypass Act I. She’s not ready, and his premature release disappoints her. He may dodge immediate embarrassment, but it’s not forgettable to her.
• Every groom expects his wife to be FULLY appreciative of his sexual prowess, if not at first, then shortly after. If he hasn’t faced feedback from other females, he won’t have experience to accept her responses as evidence and consequent restorers of his self-confidence.
• Whatever her feedback, it’s the measure of his prowess. His nature tries to affirm that he performed well, that what he dreamed came true. But any lack of effusiveness by her automatically means he’s inadequate. If bride isn’t absolutely enthralled with his sexual prowess, the conqueror has failed. He paid her price, marriage, then why isn’t she excited about WHAT she captured for her bed? Where has he failed?
• Consequently, sexual anxiety and performance are enemies, but bride expects to help. She wants deeply to welcome him into knowing her. However, she faces her own anxieties, the prospects of pain, and uncertainty how to coach without hurting his feelings.

If he embarrasses himself, his mind opens for ways to recover his conquering spirit and sexual self-respect. He loads up his mind with other alternatives, what to do now or next; not all of it deals exclusively with her. Consequently, virgin husbands are susceptible to self-induced withdrawal pressures, if bride finds his sexual prowess lacking.

Act III intimacy, which she relies on to finalize his true appreciation of her, doesn’t register that way with him. It’s more a responsibility and hence duty than his natural desire. However, abstaining from sex during courtship allows her opportunity to teach him the importance of intimacy that can improve his Act III performance. It tests their mutual willpower greatly, but it’s a major benefit of bride ‘raising’ a virgin groom.

Did unmarried abstinence soften his heart, make him more considerate of her sensitivities? If so, then groom’s virginity can be beneficial to her. But, again, that doesn’t necessarily translate into less anxiety and fear for him.

Don’t take the preceding to mean that I demean male abstinence and the meaningful relationships that flow from it. I don’t. It’s just that the male nature has characteristics that can make the honeymoon bed much less than brides expect, and the truly virginal groom more likely worsens it. 

This concludes the series, but post 26 also touches on the issue.

EDITOR’S NOTE: In the end, virgin bridegrooms are set up for failure. Methinks the abstinence movement among males was born out of the feminist drive for equality within girlhood abstinence programs. It sets men up for failure and provides a female to witness his humiliation. The connection seems so obvious that I presume the feminist spirit created it.

981. Virgin Bridegroom—Part II

Seal the Deal. The bride dreams of sealing mutual devotion on her wedding night and honeymoon that follows. She anticipates Acts I, II, and III aka Foreplay, Intercourse, and Intimacy. However, the wedding night especially haunts the virgin bridegroom. He’s loaded with potential to disappoint and even shame himself.

They reach honeymoon bed with different missions. Abstinence generates his high expectations for satisfying results aka performance, which means Act II has to be great. Abstinence generates her high expectations for gratifying results aka pleasurable closeness, which means Acts I and III have to be great. She can handle an iffy Act II. (Unmatched objectives, but that’s a common story among sexual encounters.)

Max Hurt. Few things, if any, shame a man more than a female witness to his sexual failure. I repeat: Few things, if any, shame a man more than a female witness to his sexual failure.

The very nature of bridegroom virginity sets men up with the threat of failure. The threat feeds on itself, because it compounds fear, anxiety, and loss of self-confidence. All are functions of his mind to which bride during courtship has few hints, little influence, and few preventives.

Thus, the virgin groom arrives at the honeymoon bed poorly equipped to PROUDLY fulfill his husbandly duty. Recovery may come but only time and an understanding, proudly dedicated, encouraging, and perhaps long suffering bride can provide it.

Tomorrow’s post explores the hormone-laden emotional burdens put into action by virginal grooms.

980. Virgin Bridegroom—Part I

Her Highness Boomer Babe commented at post 145, “It’s best for both to stay virgins BEFORE they get married….” She may be right, but I’m far less certain about bridegrooms. First, some background about the male nature.

Shame and fear about females are natural to teen males until dampened by successful relationships with girls, whatever that means to each boy. Sexual conquest relieves shame. Relating successfully with girls relieves fear.

Adolescent Shame: Throughout puberty boys shape their thinking and seek opportunity to prove their sexual competence. They seek to at least escape virginity. A rite of passage, it’s a qualifier for peer and self-respect. Lack of success brings on peer ridicule, which intensifies a boy’s shame.

Adolescent Fear: Ridicule from girls—and especially when reinforced by a boy’s imagination—builds or reinforces fear of associating directly with girls. As the hormone hurricane of adolescence ages, fear rises exponentially for boys unable to succeed just dealing with girls. (Males deal in directness, and when they can’t, won’t, or are rejected by females, severe troubles darken their future.)

Adult Experience: Men KNOW they are loaded with sexual ability and seek to prove their prowess. It’s their competitive nature again. They need confirmation of at least their adequacy, preferably in adolescence but no later than early adulthood. But ‘adequacy’ means this: If she enjoyed it, he’s great. If she didn’t, she’s to blame. Thus, men confirm their sexual prowess through experience designed by Nature so that they never lose (unless they fail to perform at all and shame results).

Where does that leave virgin bridegrooms? It follows tomorrow with post 981, as we encounter the honeymoon bed.

940. Virgin Bride: Actual or Virtual?

Editor’s Note: Some subjects stir the ire or confuse lady readers. Virginity does. Just remember, men usually have a passionate and perhaps vested interest in what they tell women about it. This blog aims at WhatWomenNeverHear, not to preach but just to inform.

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Her Highness Ruby cites and Her Highness Camille confirms their confusion about husband being ‘surprised’ to find wife a virgin on the wedding night. I hope to show that virginity is no asset, if she just gives it away in fact or discloses it as a promise.

This blog focuses on the basic nature of men and women. As part of their nature, women seek marriage, but men don’t need it. For a man to marry, a woman must hold promise for him as wife, likeable companion, and sex in that order. His hormones, however, far too easily convince him not to think about the future but focus on the present, and so his thinking reverses the order. He keeps sex foremost until conquest, or she convinces him that she holds more promise for him than just sex.

Putting sex first puts him in artificial light relative to marriage. It leads to her yielding prematurely, and conquest confirms to him that his studliness should or can be appreciated elsewhere in the female world. (His conquest mission is over, so who’s next? The male competitive nature pushes him to propagate successes. Remember, we’re talking without involvement of love and other emotions that might inspire him to do otherwise. As for her risk, he may or may not be so inspired.)

Whether dating, committed, or engaged, he constantly pings for conquest or knowledge of her history. Why? Knowledge of her history helps him conquer. Also, her quality as wife adds or detracts from his sense of significance. And the fewer men she’s known, the higher her value as wife, and the greater his sense of significance. Her risk: (How many is too many for his significance?)

Getting a man to the altar is all about getting him devoted to her deeply and exclusively. The path to such devotion lies with making her sexual relations, assets, and history far less important than she as person and object of his respect.

For marriage to last, he must be devoted to her as both respected and respectable mate. Sex won’t hold him. Therefore, she marries best who withholds unmarried sex, because it leads to greater devotion. She marries smartest who maximizes importance of married sex, because it more likely makes him appreciate her wifeliness and likeable companionship.

If he marries not knowing whether she’s actual or virtual virgin, he’s already processed in his mind that he accepts her as is. If he’s ‘surprised’ on his wedding night, he gets more than he expected. If not surprised, he gets what he expected. Both ways he finally wins by conquering her.

(He overlooks that she conquered him first for marriage; he went through engagement knowing the final decision was his. Even though he married, as he views it, he was not really conquered; the wise wife agrees even though she intended otherwise all along.)

If she laid the proper unmarried groundwork, he’s no longer curious about her past except he doesn’t want to face another man and know that he bedded her. (He too easily imagines that she’s reminded to compare their sexual performance, and he comes out second best. The thought embarrasses him. He doesn’t blame the guy or her for doing it; he blames her for having the experience to compare them.)

Far beyond just interest and commitment, unmarried devotion rises best when sexual matters are made unimportant, and only she can do it. When he learns to honor her wishes about personal and private matters, devotion builds. Devotion to her makes her more promising as wife, likeable companion, and sex in that order.

936. Virgin? Keep It Secret! — Part II

CAUTION: Readers cite this post as inappropriate for ladies. I agree. But some women need it for their bag of tricks. Men sometimes go too far. Women need extreme measures to rein in their natural but persistent curiosity. The post doesn’t offer advice; it says she can, not that she should.

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Yesterday’s post defended the strategy of females keeping their virgin status secret from everyone. However, boyfriends (and perhaps workplace harassers) keep trying to uncover at least some minimum, after which he treats her according to his standards about such females. Keeping her history secret, especially her status re virginity, provides women a way to balance male dominance.

Tactics exist to take the heat off of her. Offer tit for tat. He wants to know about her history? She wants to know about his knowledge of prim and proper sexual performance, of how things should be in real life. Not interested in his broad promises of Nirvana but details about the touchy feely side. If she’s expected to disclose what she’s done, he should disclose how he does it. Right? It’s only fair, so invite him to spell it out!

Stop signs can be erected that make a man stop talking or even wanting to continue. The more personal she makes it for him, the more he will dodge, change subject, or otherwise maneuver to escape without answering. She’s never seen a man turn sensitive about himself? Try a few of these on him.

She can use one or two of these examples until he learns better. Of course, she leads off with the old standard, “I don’t know but I’ve been told….”

• Where did you learn to do foreplay the right way? You know, Act I of what men do to please and keep rather than disappoint and lose their love interest.
• How did you learn to value afterplay (post-coital intimacy) the female way? You know, Act III of what men do to please and keep rather than disappoint and lose their love interest.
• How do men view females after conquest? Not immediately, but the next day? Does it affect you that way?
• What part or parts of sexual relations means the most to a woman? What’s the least important to a man?
• Is a beer, cig, or sleep better than snuggling? Why is that? Are you like that?
• I know men highly value conquering a female. Why is it such a big deal? Just what is it that causes that? Are you that way?
• Why do men value virginity so highly? How important to you?
• What’s the difference in sexual satisfaction for the man and the woman? Where does it end for men? For women?
• What’s the difference in satisfaction for the man and the woman? Where does it end for men? For women?

If those don’t work for her, she can expand her interests, such as:

• I’ve always been fascinated by the role of men in foreplay. Not just men but their role. Their reputation says they screw up a lot. Ditto for afterplay. How should these necessaries be performed? Or are they not necessary? What kind of expertise does it take to keep from screwing up? Where did you learn to do it right?
• How do men evaluate foreplay? What’s the purpose? Who benefits the most? How valuable is it? What and when is enough? How can you tell? How do you know when readiness is mutual, or does it matter? What are the influences that most delight a woman? How important is passion? How does a man handle it, when urgency hasn’t arisen in her?
• Let’s analyze Act III Afterplay! Is it necessary? Does it help fulfill men? Does she need it? Deserve it? How do men know when she’s satisfied?
• What causes and how do men handle premature ejaculation? Is she at fault?
• Don’t men try to bypass deep foreplay to just get on with it? Why is that?

He won’t like her tit for tat tactic. Any one or a couple of such questions should be enough to force a guy to shut down his inquiries. Most men will retreat when she asks the first question. Men want no part of describing the whys and details of their sexual performance especially before the fact. They intuitively recognize her trap and so will shut up.

Players, however, may have a bs line they can fabricate from words and phrases that worked for them in the past. If they answer as if they know what they’re talking about, then they’re players. They’re the worst guys to disclose her history, so she’ll have to get more bold until she shuts him up.

Should the rare guy talk about these things, she has plenty of opportunity to teach him how she expects such things in her life.

935. Virgin? Keep It Secret! — Part I

Her Highness Anonymous inquired if an actual virgin should keep it a secret? Many reasons exist to do so, and the advantages accrue to her without cost to him:

• If she brags about her virgin state, she appears desperate. If she discloses it as part of silly belief in full disclosure, he has nothing comparable, and so she loses at the ‘negotiating table’. Providing him the knowledge gives him much more than he can give her. (His sexual history never balances her disclosure, and she doesn’t want to hear it anyway.)
• If ex-boyfriends don’t know for sure and can only speculate to other guys about her pristine-ness, her reputation builds more easily into exciting allure than ‘gotta have it’, gotta have it’, gotta have it’ just because she’s virginal.  
• By strongly declaring her sexual status off limits, she has an easier time defending her values, maintaining her standards, and upholding her expectations about how men should behave when with or around her.
• Mystery about her status generates an aura around her of respectable authority (free will, hard-headedness, and willingness to use it).
• Sexual history being the kingpin element in feminine mystique, actual virginity wears the crown. But knowledge destroys mystery, which destroys curiosity, which destroys interest in the crown, which makes her less valuable.
• Claiming virginity challenges a man even more to conquer her. Banging a virgin earns huge masculine bragging rights and status. Instead, she wants him bragging about her beauty, charm, and female worth.
• If he tells his buds about her virgin state, they’ll gang up on him to beat his time, to get there firstest with the mostest. It might make her more popular as they pursue her virgin attractiveness, but it’s not likely to be sincere or lasting.
• Many men, especially the adolescent-minded, think along these lines: If he can’t conquer a woman, it’s one thing. If he can’t conquer a virgin, it’s a different matter, ‘a downright embarrassment’. He has to keep trying; he can’t quit early. His competitive spirit envisions her as his Mt. Everest, and he’s a fool to quit before reaching the top.
• If he knows she’s virgin, he spends less time thinking about her except for why? How could she have avoided it this long? Religious nut? Fearful of sex or what? Sick in the head? Wrongheaded? Malformed? Unfashionable, won’t go along to get along? Had no girlfriends that put out as role models? Boyfriends dumped her for that reason? Or did word spread about her that he missed?
• Knowledge cures mystery, which kills curiosity, which reduces interest in what makes her tick, tock, and chime, which makes him think more of conquest than the rest of her valuable self.
• She will be judged, if he knows she’s virgin; making him wonder delays his judging until a time made better by a longer relationship.
• If he wonders about her sexual past, his thoughts remain with her. If she makes her virgin state as mysterious as the rest of her sexual history, he has little recourse but to focus and accept her as she is without regard to sex.
• If he can only wonder before the altar and marvel about prospects for his wedding night, the male mind more easily adjusts his interests to include a woman’s hopes and dreams. Whether suspicions are confirmed or he’s surprised that night, his sense of significance and her value to him jump off the scale.
• Avoid at all cost having a girlfriend ‘sell’ her virginity to win a boyfriend or prospect. Such good intentions backfire; he gains advantage and she loses mystery. (He’ll also return to the informant for more info when he’s after something else, and that could bring them together.)

Her greatest threat may be close to home. Make sure siblings or girlfriends don’t disclose her virgin status, and she’s better off if they don’t even know it. As with men, it’s none of their business, if she hopes to have maximum independence and play life’s hand of cards without—perhaps but not always well-intentioned—interference.

I venture that Part II, post 936, will both surprise and even shock some women. What to do when he won’t stop inquiring about her sexual history and especially virgin status. It’s due out tomorrow morning.

859. Virtual Virginity #24

♫      Her romantic love pedestal crumbles when infatuation and lust fade a year or two after their first sex together. If she has not earned his enduring love by then, he shifts into temporary mode and starts looking around. The most fertile ground to earn his enduring love exists before they first have sex, and virtual virginity provides the greatest advantages. Provided, that is, she takes enough time for his thoughts about, habits with, and respect for her to change. Men are willing to change in order to conquer but not after.

♫      Conquest is more meaningful, when a man is challenged and then scores and out-competes other guys. This makes her sexual inexperience highly symbolic and significant to him.

♫      Men seek virgins, because they know they have beaten out other men. Her highly valued virgin beauty signifies that many others tried and failed. Men want dearly to be first among male competitors, and this makes virtual virginity the absolute next best thing for females.

♫      Permanent reconciliation does not likely follow having sex with one’s ex. If she wants to re-wed him, make it sex-free until he proves himself worthy of her and marries her again. If she does not withhold herself, she has no room to maneuver and change their relationship away from what it was when they failed the first time. Virtual virginity can alter their new relationship toward the altar and keep it under her control until then.