Comments for What Women Never Hear

Comment on 1855. Sex Difference Redux—Part 94: Where Love Begins—10 by Tia

Tia — Sat, 18 May 2013 16:47:08 +0000

Guy,
I’m confused about difference #99.I need you to explain ‘fairness’ for me and by doing so I mean in examples.

If a woman works 8 hours a day and a man works 8 hours a day, would a man think it was fair for his wife to do all of the housework and child-rearing alone?

You say men see justice in terms of fairness versus equality, but to me it makes no sense. I think equality is fairness and I think men see it the same way too, but use double standards or “their terms of fairness” when it will place them in the winning position. I know for a fact given the example above if the shoe was on the other foot a man would imply that it wasn’t fair that he worked and had to do all of the housework and child-rearing. Yet, when it is their wives in that position that see it as fair. I’m sorry but it seems manipulative to say that men see justice through fairness because it’s not true. Men see justice through convenience and what’s in the their best interest not through fairness. I think we should call it what it really is which is ‘selfishness’ and being a ‘taker’ which you have disclosed men predominately are anyway in a previous post.

Your Highness Tia,

Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

I haven’t time to respond today. Come back Sunday am after 10:00 CT.

Guy

Comment on 1854. She Resents His Inattention and Lack of Affection by Brown_eyes

Brown_eyes — Fri, 17 May 2013 08:06:07 +0000

Mr. Guy, hello again! Happy weekend!
Could you please direct me to a post where the differences between dating, courting, and engagement are mentioned? How long does each one last? How do you transition from one to another?
Thank you so much for everything you do, I can’t wait to be on summer vacation to start your WWNH University!

Your Highness Brown Eyes,
The differences you ask about are simple: He asks for dates. When through actions (and not just words) he proves himself devoted (and not just committed) to her and her interests, it’s courtship. When he asks her to marry him, it’s engagement. The differences depend on how the guy ACTS toward her to the romantic exclusion of other women.
Guy

Comment on 1854. She Resents His Inattention and Lack of Affection by Jessica

Jessica — Fri, 17 May 2013 03:15:26 +0000

Absolutely amazing Guy. You described my recent breakup almost to an atomic level. I knew the root of it was allowing first sex too soon. I decided to let it go after another disagreement in how much attention he chooses to give me, even after my recent graduation from graduate school.

I know I am beautiful. I model and workout religiously. He is also very attractive, given that he is a personal trainer at the gym we met at.

I feel that there was very little chance of redeeming myself or the direction of the relationship…so I let it go.

I praise myself for the decision to this & will fix my attention on the hard-headed, soft-hearted woman I desire to become.

Comment on 1854. She Resents His Inattention and Lack of Affection by Anon...

Anon... — Fri, 17 May 2013 01:38:50 +0000

WOW I just read the Bible and found a verse Deuteronomy 24:5 : It said that when a man MARRIES, he is supposed to ‘cheer her up’ aka be romantic to his wife for one year. If he didnt, feel like it, he had to make himself do it.

The problem with that is, that, ,many men dont read the Bible, so they wouldnt know. I believe this is the reason for the Honeymoon after marriage. It goes into further detail than just romance, like not becoming a soldier, etc.

Comment on 1852. Pre-nuptial Agreement or No? by Some Other Guy

Some Other Guy — Fri, 17 May 2013 00:13:18 +0000

Wow, what a powerful story that is! My life has been so much easier than Hush’s. But my wife did exactly what Hush did. My wife would only offer me the goodies if I became the man that she knew I could be. Oh, and it took me 4 years to get to that point. My wife was getting ready to move on. I didn’t know that then. But she was prepared to ditch me if I couldn’t be what she needed.

I believe that the most powerful part of Hush’s lesson is that we can all do what she did in other facets of our life. We can demand that others treat us as we want to be treated. If they do not, we simply quit seeing them. I have done this with my inlaws. They used to treat me with a certain disrespect. Not major, but it was there. It bothered me. I didn’t say anything to them about it. I just quit going to see them with my wife when she would go. They would always ask why I didn’t come to see them. It didn’t matter what excuse I gave apparently. For after a few times of not visiting, when I did finally go see them, they were much nicer and respectful to me.

People treat you the way you demand to be treated. Don’t take crap from anyone. Be strong ladies.

Comment on 1852. Pre-nuptial Agreement or No? by Cinnamon

Cinnamon — Thu, 16 May 2013 21:01:31 +0000

Thanks, Sir Guy. You are right, as usual. It’s too early for me to say yet whether he is a man of good Christian character, although I hope he is.

I am beginning to understand more clearly what you mean when you say a single woman must be “hard-headed.

Comment on 1852. Pre-nuptial Agreement or No? by Cinnamon

Cinnamon — Thu, 16 May 2013 19:16:02 +0000

EDITOR’S NOTE: I RESPOND IN CAPS to your lower case comment. Guy Sir Guy: Thanks for that eye-opening explanation. In my case, I sense that Man #1 hopes to move into a courtship mode at some point. I am not afraid of losing him, but what I am afraid of is him feeling disrespected if/when he finds out I am seeing other men.[YOU IGNORE THE FOLLOWING STATEMENT FROM MY EARLIER COMMENT: “YOU SAY, ‘I AM WORRIED THAT IF HE FINDS OUT ABOUT THE OTHERS THAT HE WILL TAKE THIS AS AN INSULT OR A REFLECTION THAT HE IS NOT SPECIAL….’ THAT’S HOW WOMEN THINK BUT NOT HOW MEN ACT.” THINK MORE LIKE A WOMAN AND YOUR DILEMMA WILL TURN RELATIVELY MINOR.] Key question: As a rule, do men who are marriage-minded assume a woman is dating him exclusively unless she explicitly says otherwise? [NO! WHY SHOULD THEY? THEY DON’T THINK LIKE WOMEN THINK.] Do they feel disrespected when they find out she is not? [NO! WHY SHOULD THEY? THEY DON’T THINK LIKE WOMEN THINK.] This man (Man #1) is perhaps a little over-eager by my standards. I do like the romance and attention, but I feel he is asserting his male dominance by trying to move things along romantically a bit faster than I want (and no, I don't think he is after sex, I do think he is marriage-minded). [BUT YES, I DO THINK HE’S AFTER SEX. MEN DON’T RUSH TOWARD MARRIAGE WITHOUT ULTERIOR MOTIVES. THEY DO RUSH TOWARD SEX FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN THEY HAVE A SEX TARGET IN SIGHT.] Apart from responding positively but not overly so toward his gestures, I don't know how to use feminine indirectness to slow him down. [TELL HIM HE’S MOVING TOO FAST AND DON’T EXPLAIN FURTHER. ACTING FEMININE IS NEITHER SUBMISSIVE NOR PASSIVE, IT’S BOLD WHEN BOLDNESS IS CALLED FOR.] If Man #1 asks for an exclusive commitment from me and offers his exclusive commitment in return (in terms of us dating only each other) how do I handle this? [AS YOU HANDLE ANY DECISION. FIGURE OUT WHAT WORKS BEST FOR YOU AND THEN HANDLE HIM APPROPRIATELY. I WOULD STILL SUSPECT HIS PRIMARY GOAL IS SEX.] I don't want to date him exclusively yet. [SEE, YOUR INTUITION IS KEEPING YOU AWAY FROM MISTAKES.] Will he feel disrespected and deceived if I turn him down? [YES IF HE’S AFTER SEX. NO IF HE’S AFTER YOU.] I have no idea how to handle this and I have a feeling he is trying to steer things in that direction. [DON’T LET HIM STEER YOU. YOU STEER HIM WITHOUT REGARD FOR HOW HE LIKES IT.] How do I handle this situation? [STANDUP FOR YOURSELF FIRST AND FOREMOST. DO WHAT’S BEST FOR CINNAMON; IF HE IS UNWILLING TO ACCEPT YOUR DECISIONS, HE’S NOT MR. GOODENOUGH.] I am already feeling guilt because of the other men [IT’S EASY FOR WOMEN TO FEEL GUILTY; THEY OFTEN FEEL GOOD FOR HAVING DONE IT.] (It's my response to the male dominance, isn't it?) [I DON’T KNOW ABOUT THAT.] Man #1 is a very good Christian man from everything I have seen so far and he is definitely a candidate for Mr GoodEnough. [PERHAPS IT SHOULD BUT YOUR VIEWING HIM AS A GOOD CHRISTIAN MAN DOESN’T REVEAL ALL HIS MOTIVATIONS, SUCH AS SEXUAL CONQUEST BEING FOREMOST IN HIS MIND.] [GUY]

Comment on 1854. She Resents His Inattention and Lack of Affection by Sara

Sara — Thu, 16 May 2013 15:42:11 +0000
So patience, gratitude, and acceptance of how the man shows his love is the way to go then. 'Competing' for more attention definitely sounds like a relationship killer. Thanks for the more in-depth post!!! Your Highness Sara, Sure, those three factors enable a woman to come across as a cooperator rather than competitor, a blessing to have nearby rather than someone that generates unlikableness. Guy

Comment on 1852. Pre-nuptial Agreement or No? by An Avid Follower And A Lady

An Avid Follower And A Lady — Thu, 16 May 2013 05:10:10 +0000
Thank you Sir Guy, that is precisely the section I had in mind. Now, I would like to go back in time a bit to a superb post that has been recalled on this blog at least once before, as far as I know. I believe that Hush's reply, posted as reply number 2 at 1428. Boyfriend Soured in Marriage, should be REQUIRED READING for those attending the University here. Also, I would like to call attention to a critical highlight of Hush's post. Hope Sir Some Other Guy checks in on this too. Once Hush's husband-to-be was given the time, distance and space to FREELY choose and commit, his devotion to his wife was a natural. Sir Guy, you so clearly defined the process of falling in love for a man a few posts back. You said it happens in 3 stages, the LAST stage being when the man actually lets himself fall in love. Lots of things have to occur for that man in order for him to commit! It takes TIME!!! And also a long, chaste courtship. THANK YOU for showing the light. Your Highness An Avid Follower And A Lady, Thank you for the reminder of Hush's comment. It's still a thrill to read and Her Majesty Grace will enjoy starting her day by reading it again. Guy

Comment on 1853. Sex Difference Redux—Part 93: Where Love Begins—09 by Sara

Sara — Wed, 15 May 2013 23:43:38 +0000

Happy to be here! Thanks for the warm welcome

Comment on 1853. Sex Difference Redux—Part 93: Where Love Begins—09 by Sara

Sara — Wed, 15 May 2013 23:40:39 +0000

Sounds good to me, so long as my future husband is appreciative and I remind myself to do the same. Your wife sounds like superwoman I look forward to tomorrow’s post!

Comment on 1853. Sex Difference Redux—Part 93: Where Love Begins—09 by Some Other Guy

Some Other Guy — Wed, 15 May 2013 23:12:35 +0000

Good question Sara. I have noticed that in most marriages the women do most of the running around, shopping, taking kids to doctor appointments, dealing w/ many school related things. Men tend to do the maintaining of the house and making decisions and policies. I for instance, formulate punishments, rewards and recreation privileges for the kids. I decide how long the kids can stay out at night. Anything that goes wrong w/ the house and its innards is my turf. I make auto decisions and do all the repair details on them. I read up, study and implement investment and savings policy for the house. I consider the household finances to be my biggest most important responsibility. Our retirement is up to me, even tho my wife makes almost as much money. If I fail to invest wisely, we will not be retiring as per our goals.

But in all seriousness, if it were left up to me, the kids would have no clothes, would never go to the doctor, nobody would be monitoring their school work. The family would have no clean clothes. We’d probably eat frozen food at least 3 times a week. They wouldn’t be going to church. In terms of hours spent, women do most of the work in the marriage.

I really have no interest whatsoever in the activities that my wife seems to gladly handle. In fact I detest doing all that stuff. IDK if this is right or wrong, but this is how it goes down in my house. I told my wife that this is how it was going to be before we had kids. And she still wanted to have them. So she is not surprised at all by this. I also do some routine house work like vacuuming. But I don’t do anywhere near the work that my wife does.

Comment on 1556. Betrayal—The Accidental Cheater by Brown_eyes

Brown_eyes — Wed, 15 May 2013 16:30:41 +0000

Hi again Mr. Guy!
Thanks for your answer. But if the gentleman is having sex with girl A, while courting girl B at the same time who does virtual virginity, why would he stop having sex with girl A once he gets engaged with girl B?
This also makes me think engagements should be very short so guys do not get anxious and have sex with someone other than the fiance.
Thanks again!

Your Highness Brown Eyes,

Very short engagement doesn’t allow girl B time to get his head straightened out and devoted to her exclusively. If B can’t outshine A for his heart, then she loses anyway. Sex with girlfriends make them less marry-able. Virtual virginity makes him see B as more promising as a mate. Mystery attracts him, a significant unknown challenges him, and feminine virtue holds him. All hold more promise for him than sex with girl A, who has little else to offer.

Keep this in mind, you’re competing with her for him, and you should be highly and attractively different. You’re competing with him for sex, and you should stand your ground to earn his respect.

Guy

Comment on 1853. Sex Difference Redux—Part 93: Where Love Begins—09 by Sara

Sara — Wed, 15 May 2013 14:58:18 +0000

Could you elaborate a little more regarding #85? I’ve reread it a few times but cannot seem to understand it really. Thanks!

Your Highness Sara,

Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

Your inquiry sparks the need for greater amplification. So, check out tomorrow’s post 1854.

Guy

Comment on 1556. Betrayal—The Accidental Cheater by Brown_eyes

Brown_eyes — Wed, 15 May 2013 08:31:39 +0000

Buen día Mr. Guy!
And what about a boyfriend who cheats on his girlfriend (who is doing virtual virginity)? Should she finish the relationship or give him a chance?

Your Highness Brown eyes,

What obligations exist for boyfriend to be faithful to girlfriend? If he pledged or promised not to cheat, then he’s not trustworthy. If no such commitment has been made, then he’s following his nature.

Her virtual virginity does not imply chastity for the boyfriend. It works best when no such connection is expected. It’s up to the girl to harness his nature so he acts in her favor. Denying his sexual freedom before they become engaged does not work to a woman’s favor. It’s feminist-think for girls to expect equality in premarital sex habits.

Guy

Comment on 1851. When Guys Hit on Girls and Young Women by Some Other Guy

Some Other Guy — Tue, 14 May 2013 23:37:12 +0000

I appreciate that Lin. What’s interesting too is that my wife’s ability to set that expectation of demanding respect still colors my thoughts and actions to this day, 28 years later. It really is amazing that her setting of the expectations of how I needed to treat her persists over time. Women have a lot more power to shape a man than they might believe.

Comment on 1852. Pre-nuptial Agreement or No? by Cinnamon

Cinnamon — Tue, 14 May 2013 22:46:26 +0000

Sir Guy:

Thank you. I certainly am very grateful for the current dilemma but I don’t want to make any major mistakes, and I want to be as gracious as possible at all times. You have taught your readers well about the virtue of patience and about what the signs of devotion are. Because of that I am prepared for what to look for.

Could you please explain how to respond to the question of whether I am dating anyone else? It has not arisen yet, but I get the feeling from one of them that it is on his mind (he has hinted about serious intentions for the future). If he broaches the subject I do not wish to deceive. Is there a tactful way to avoid hurting a man or causing him to feel “less than” if a woman is not dating him exclusively at an early stage?

I am worried that if he finds out about the others that he will take this as an insult or a reflection that he is not special when he is actually quite wonderful (so far), or even worse, that I am not taking him seriously.

Your Highness Cinnamon,

Remember, I’m talking about the male nature and use your man only as an example. You have to figure out how to handle him to your benefit.

You say, “I am worried that if he finds out about the others that he will take this as an insult or a reflection that he is not special….” That’s how women think but not how men act.

You say, “I am not taking him seriously.” (Woman-talk again.) He doesn’t earn the right to be taken more seriously than dating gives him, unless he extends himself to other actions that signify devotion, that he’s after you, and that he’s not just after sex.

You’re starting to fear losing him, which makes you more vulnerable to loss. Keep the competitive fires stoked in all three men. If the one you speak of gets more hurt than ready to fight for you, then let him drift away. That’s how you refine your judgments for finding the best one. Wimps quit easily when they find they have competition. Stronger character inspires men to fight for what they want badly. And the strongest character won’t reveal their determination.

If he brings it up don’t explain yourself and stick to questions along these lines:

• Do we have a relationship that prevents me from also enjoying life with someone else?

• Are you asking for my exclusive commitment to dating only you?

• Have we exchanged promises of exclusive devotion yet?

• Are you the only one entitled to my affections? Based on what obligation of yours?

• Without our having exchanged obligations to only date each other, what expectations do you have for me? For yourself?

Beware of deciding to drop the other two so fast. His words may fast talk you into hearing that he’s committed totally to you. Keep the ‘negotiations’ open until his actions prove his devotion. If you give him your loyalty without his working for it, especially volunteering it to please or keep him, he won’t truly appreciate it, which means that his respect won’t grow into devotion. If he doesn’t earn you with his actions, he won’t appreciate you with his devotion.

Guy

Comment on 1852. Pre-nuptial Agreement or No? by amanmusing

amanmusing — Tue, 14 May 2013 18:53:35 +0000

Sir Guy,
I don’t disagree with you very often, but I do on this topic. I was also against Prenups until I went through a divorce I did not want. Now my future goal is to protect my assets and home for my children’s future. With the majority of divorces being initiated by women, men should protect themselves, just as women should protect themselves. The fact is, a legal marriage is a business contract, licensed and regulated by the state. Thats not the way it should be, but go watch any divorce court and you will realize that it very much is! Until No Fault divorce is done away with, and the courts are more even handed towards men, Prenups help slightly in leveling the playing field.

BTW.. I want to point out, that prenups are not only for men, women should have them reviewed by an attorney and put their conditions/clauses in there too. They can actually be a strong tool for dialogue for a couple to discuss issues up front. In most states, about the only thing that can’t be included are financial support for any children born in the marriage, and custody. After 10 years, rip it up if you want, but go into the marriage understanding what it is, a legal contract that one person can terminate without the others consent or desire and protect yourself accordingly. People change.

Sir Amanmusing,

Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another man joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

Thanks for your contribution. Points well made.

Guy

Comment on 1852. Pre-nuptial Agreement or No? by Cinnamon

Cinnamon — Tue, 14 May 2013 18:20:08 +0000

Sir Guy:

I don’t know where else to post this question – if you have the time could you please address the question of multiple suitors for a middle-aged woman?

If two or three Mr GoodEnoughs (all church-goers and appear to be marriage-minded) have expressed interest in dating the same woman at the same time, and she likes what she sees in all of them, how does she best handle this in an ethical manner?

I have read a number of the posts in this great blog but I can’t find one on this topic. If you have written one could you tell me the number?

Your Highness Cinnamon,

Welcome aboard. It’s a great day when another pretty woman joins us on this cruise to WhatWomenNeverHear.

As to your dilemma, be grateful. I’ve not written on it before. I suggest this now. Take your time, extend your patience, keep three balls in the air simultaneously, and let the two least likely to pay a big price for you (which means they short you on their devotion) find their own way out the door of your heart. If in the process one seems to shine brighter in your eyes, proceed cautiously before dropping the others. The pressure to get on with it when great opportunities appear often leads us to throw away our true best interest.

Be patient, trust your instinct, and let them competitively expend much energy on your behalf.

Guy

Comment on 1793. Sex Difference Redux— Part 47: Cheater Returns IV by Zena

Zena — Tue, 14 May 2013 14:49:50 +0000

Guy- Thank you so much for all your posts. I have been reading with great interest and have learned a tremendous amount. After 17 years of marriage(and 3 kids) my husband left for OW. It has been 4 months. I take the blame and realize now that I was not a loving wife. I have since had a mental and physical makeover, feel strong, have little anger, and am practicing being grateful everyday. Since seeing my transformation my husband has been coming around more often, calling me, saying he loves and misses me AND….I hate to admit it, but we have been having sex. That is until NOW, thanks to you!! I had convinced myself he was no longer with OW but that is not true. I now must proceed with dignity, grace, and virtual virginity. MY QUESTION to you. One of the reasons my husband left was the lack of intimacy(all kinds) in our marriage. I have worked through why I was unable to provide intimacy and now am ready to be a loving and sexual wife! How can I prove this to him? I will not have sex with him, but can I tell him how much I desire him and when he is ready for monogamy, I will be here? Thank you again for all your wisdom!

Your Highness Zena,

Congratulations on your transformation. You’re a strong and deserving woman, but you may have to go through another trauma. When you say NO SEX, he will probably try to convince you otherwise. If it happens, stick to your guns with a big smile, don’t explain, and don’t complain. It may take weeks, but let him conclude that he can’t have two women for sex anymore; he must decide which of you promises the best future for his life.

I’m nonplussed. You say the lack of intimacy caused his wandering. How do you know? That flies against the male nature, so are you sure that was it? You admit causing it, but are you sure? You may mean sexual availability. If so, I understand so forget this paragraph. In any event, don’t bring up the subject. Just promote a few intimate moments when it’s possible without being obvious that you are leading him.

Keep these thoughts in mind:

• The one most fearful of losing will lose. You should display an attitude that you can very well do without him unless he’s willing to live by your expectations.

• Avoid defining your expectations or describing what he should do and not do. It takes time, but the more he figures out the promises you hold for him (without you saying or suggesting it), the more indelibly it absorbs into his heart and mind.

• Wait for him to explain his weaknesses and complain about doing you wrong. Don’t prescribe those things for him. Avoid at all costs the planting of guilt and don’t explain your own guilt. Keep guilt out of the picture.

• If he says he wants you, ask him to explain just what he promises in order to earn you once again. Make him put the words in his own mouth that OW is gone forever. Throughout every event together, ignore both her and their relationship.

• Don’t you provide it, but if the right opportunity arises, allow him to snuggle up and exchange affectionate words with the understanding that foreplay is OUT.

• It’s not the big and affirming things that hold a couple together. It’s not love and fidelity, companionship and friendliness, mothering and fathering. Women favor them but those factors are insufficient to sustain a marriage. It’s the ABSENCE of little irritants, nags, fears, and unwarranted anxieties that accumulate and destroy one spouse’s likeability. Men are much more sensitive to those negative factors and so wife’s likeability fades far more easily than husband’s does. (See, men and women differ greatly on how to hold a marriage together.)

You may note that I suggest holding your tongue and waiting for him to explain and complain. It’s the opposite of nagging, accusing, and berating him.

Use patience. If he won’t figure out for himself that he should come back permanently, then he’s already long gone and you’re just handy for sex (until now).

Guy