2051. Submissive #08 — Virtual Virginity Earns Less Submission


I continue with situations that make women more aware of what’s happening mentally between the sexes. [Guy adds: ]

19. Virtual virginity softens his expectations that she submit to his natural dominance. It enables her to structure their relationship to her liking and suitability for marriage. [Guy adds: Female purity is a minor attraction. It’s all those men—unknown in name and number—that beat him to her, enable her to compare his performance, and cause him to imagine things that plague his memory. On top of that, who, when, why, how, and where will he face them? Men go deeply against their nature when they have to accept facing a man that previously slept with their woman. All the alibis in the world don’t assuage the hurt and perhaps hatred that he has to suppress. It’s most of the persistent grumble or worse that exists between mates when he knows of her sexual history. That modern men seem to accept their women having had previous lovers does not mean it doesn’t affect respect for her. Women loved less than they deserve is a direct function of less respect and seems to be a modern phenomenon, which is a direct reflection of her man’s knowledge and loathing of her sexual past.]

20. In the face of her ardent virtual virginity defense, a man will become or can be lured into an unnatural-for-males submissive spirit, a premarital sign of his devotion to her. The value of long courtship and engagement is this: Whatever dominant/submissive balance they achieve becomes habitual, and such habits structure the marriage. [Guy adds: Consequently, virtual virginity has more inherent influence with men than does actual virginity. True virginal innocence energizes a guy to be more dominant, to not let her escape, to be first. Virtual virginity enables her to shape their relationship.]

21. Recovery is everything. When wife continually acts like the boss, he feels insignificant, and this simultaneously makes her less attractive and other women more appealing. Perhaps unpleasant to accept, but the choice is hers. If she expects to keep him, she needs to sacrifice what is meaningful to him. He gave up his independence for her, so she must pay a price worthwhile to him. And the primal male nature calls submission the price. [Guy adds: When she suppresses her natural bossiness, she opens the door to her submissive spirit, which has far greater potential to bring harmony into their relationship.]

22. Fawning submission to husband produces loss of her self-respect and his consequent loss of respect of her. On the other hand, in-his-face refusals amount to challenging his sense of significance. Repeat refusals put her in the dumpee seat and his hand on the ejection lever. [Guy adds: Nothing works better than patience and indirectness to balance his expectation of submission with her submissive spirit—that thing so embedded in her heart that she is grateful for it. Virtual virginity opens the door to negotiation and it carries forward into marriage.]

23. The smart wife honors her husband’s role such that he doesn’t have to exploit his dominant nature, especially its explosive underside. Loss of temper makes him feel bad about himself (well hidden to be sure), which means he thinks less of her for having provoked it. [Guy adds: Her likeability and marital success depend on what he hears from her mouth. He doesn’t pay attention to what she says simply because he doesn’t like it or her for saying it.]

More will be posted tomorrow about a wife’s eternal battle with her man’s expectations.

 

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2050. Single Women Don’t Pay — IV


Her Highness Cinnamon asked for more about paying date costs. What about gray areas? Complicated financial situations? The only right answers are what’s right for the people involved. Exceptions and gray areas always exist and people do what’s in their best interest. Whether that’s the best for their relationship may become questionable when examined under the microscope of their respective natures.

Our basic natures are hardwired in ways that often rise up to haunt our decisions. Example: She pays for dinner and he never calls again. Or, he pays, calls her, and she never answers. Such risk can’t be eliminated, but knowing more about how the sexes are born differently makes it easier to minimize risk, develop compatibility, and foster continuing relationships. All of which are of much greater interest to women than men.

Consequently, my analysis of human nature endorses men paying all dating costs except for the cost of her preparation. Analysis reveals how people behave according to the default conditions they are born with and before they overwrite their hearts with contrary lessons learned in life. Each person must figure out what’s best for them at the time, place, and date. Hopefully in what follows, women will figure out ways for them personally to reduce the risk of losing candidates before relationships develop.

College men either started or refined the art. Men propagandize women into accepting that men take all the risk when they pay. However, men don’t explain their measure of risk, which is that the guy pays but gets no sex. IOW, men twist social argument to imply that dating is prostitution in action and men are unwilling to pay. The risk is too high; he might not score the first date. If he does score and goes back, they don’t date but hang out and share costs. Propagandized females ignore their hearts. They fall for the scam. They lose the ability to earn masculine respect from which manly love arises. They lose some ability to be likeable enough for men to want to proceed into the future with them.

So, let’s examine the motivational forces that linger in the background of dating.

  1. Men are normally the bigger risk takers. However, not with dating. Women crave dates to find mates and accept a much greater risk than men. It attests to natural female courage to date while not fully understanding the nature of men.
  2. Both sexes make easy whatever they have in mind as personal objectives. He looks short range and present oriented for results to either bed her or get a return date. She plans to explore the long range and his potential; she looks for promise of an extended relationship. He’s looking to sell, she’s looking to buy. Buyers don’t pay until they’re sold on seller’s product. Men hide their product by indirectly implying and perhaps encouraging women to think that marriage is behind a door that she can open under appropriate conditions that she must demystify. She can’t open a door to see what she gets until she yields sex, and even then he chooses the door. That’s when she discovers that his product is either 1) prospect of serious commitment and extended relationship, 2) her new role as booty, or 3) she’s dumped. Women should not pay to face three closed doors, when the odds are 2-1 against her—and she still has to morph 1) into marriage.
  3. Mutual motivation: While each date partner seeks to impress the other favorably, they do so while peeking through opposite sides of the same keyhole. He looks for sex and she for lures or links to marriage. It breeds insincerity from the get-go. Who is more likely to be insincere? The short-range or long-range thinker? I presume the short but that’s another story. For the opportunity to be insincere more easily than women, men should pay for the advantage. It’s not equality, it’s fairness. And men standup for fairness as diligently as women standup for equality.
  4. Their apparent reason for dating is to have a good time introducing themselves and exploring each other’s personality and character in face-to-face encounters. All done with having fun as the common denominator. But men expect and become the seller on dates. They market the promise of good togetherness, sell themselves as prime leaders, and choose venues and arrangements as marketing tools; as is the seller’s duty. Why should she pay seller’s expenses before she decides to buy what he’s selling.
  5. Selling is a process and not a result. Women are processors and do well at it. Men are producers and try to make processes more efficient. Which means that he changes over a series of dates with one woman; it’s an ‘admin cost’. She shouldn’t pay for the seller’s privilege to change his approach.
  6. His natural male purpose for dating is to check her out for access to sex and determine her likeability for further pursuit. IOW, his nature pushes him to uncover her weaknesses with the least expenditure of time, effort, and money. That puts a burden on him to initiate and to do so efficiently for his own sake, but it has marginal or zero benefit for her. He leads, subsumes his dominance into charm, and it denies her reasonable room to explore him except for what he chooses to reveal. He’s far more privileged for gaining knowledge about her; she’s limited for gaining knowledge about him. The proof is also in this pudding: She never knows if he will call again, but he’s not bothered that way. Therefore, he should pay for the privilege of exploring who she is and can be in his life. He pans for gold; she pays to make herself look golden just for him. Consequently, he should absorb responsibility to pay for the privilege of her presence on a date.
  7. Her natural female purpose is to help him determine just how worthy she is as potential girlfriend and how her potential for mating is superb.Her nature guides her to avoid bragging and to proceed more passively, which adds to his burden to initiate and then weigh her responses. He’s in the driver’s seat, she’s the passenger. If she proactively tries to convince him of her worth in his life, it turns him off. It begs the question, why should she pay when her options are limited to being the passive date? She has to accept what he gives. He judges her by what he uncovers. She judges him by what he discloses. As the passive participant, why should she pay when she is so limited in what she can accomplish or uncover about him—all of it being relative to how simply the same thing works to his advantage.
  8. Women primarily have fun on dates but it isn’t reusable. They learn little too, because sellers do the talking and shape the exchange of knowledge. Men primarily gain knowledge, which is reusable as he ponders future dates with the same woman. Men should pay for advantage gained.
  9. This would work to a woman’s disadvantage, but it’s an interesting thought. Why don’t women disclose how much they pay to prepare for a date? Because they sense in their heart of hearts that it’s the wrong thing to do. That relationships don’t develop well when money is brought into the equation. Better to develop the relationship and then deal with money issues after cooperative teamwork and hopefully devoted connections have been brought together out of romance.

In the final sweep up of such things, a woman dresses up at significant expense. She provides benefit to a date’s eyes, pleasure, and reputation for dating someone who thinks enough of him to dress well. After all, we dress according to the importance of the event in our lives. OTOH, men generate similar effect for their dates by spending on them. Her girlfriends measure her importance by how her dates spend on her. Never equal, but it’s highly fair when they both spend to make themselves look good and thereby impress the other. He pays date expenses, his duty. She pays preparation expenses, her duty. In both cases, the duty to impress, please, and focus their attention on each other as unique makes dating pleasurable. More so when they exploit their different natures rather than depending on lessons learned earlier in their lives.

 

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2049. Submissive #07 — Submissive is More Honorable


I continue with the list of situations that make women more aware of what’s happening mentally between the sexes. Let me know if the subject is beginning to drag. I have other subjects that I can intersperse. There’s probably 4-6 dailies left in the submissive series—re-titled out of respect for that female blessing endowed at birth.

Nearly synonymous, I often interchange dominance and submission. It depends on which term seems to best fit the situation but in most cases it means the same thing to the woman on the receiving end of typical male expectations.

14. Competition in marriage favors the primary leader—the husband. Cooperation favors the rest of the team—wife/mother and children. Sustaining her team successfully without challenging his role and self-prescribed authority generates peace in the home, which he expects her to deliver. [Guy adds: From such generated peace with husband not interfering, relationship experts generate harmony. It’s a natural urge and it brightens the female future.]

15. The mutual exchange of spouses pleasing each other, combined with going along to get along, smooths out stormy marital ripples. What is the best model to produce it? Women visualize this model, one head of the family leaves room for one neck to turn the head. There’s much to be said for it for three reasons: 1) It works pretty well as a strategic model and discourages wife from wandering deeply into husband’s domains. 2) It proclaims her role to be subordinate and submissive and thus sounds okay to husbands to talk and even joke about it. 3) It casts her in the role of indirect leader rather than trying to lead husband directly by challenging his authority. [Guy adds: Even that model can be improved upon. I’ve described it elsewhere as a family rank structure. It embellishes the influence of the neck and softens the head’s need for dominance. It’s too lengthy for here, but if you’d like to see it let me know. I’ll put it aside for a few days.]

16. During dating, courtship, and engagement, women lay the groundwork to win or lose in the marital power game. As the relationship expert, a very feminine female knows intuitively how to expect and handle a man’s sense of dominance and his expectation for her submission. Unfortunately, not all women listen to their hearts; for various reasons they automatically give in to their man’s expectations. [Guy adds: When women forget or forego living by what their heart tells them, they weaken their political power in the home. For example: She knows that she deserves to be treated respectfully—first as person, second as wife/girlfriend/fiancée, third as prospective mate. When she lets the first sign of disrespect pass without mention, she opens the gate. More will follow. His disrespect poisons their relationship. The only antidote is to squelch it unflinchingly at the first instance and until it stops. Do whatever it takes. Of course, if he doesn’t stop after just a couple instances, he’s nowhere near Mr. Good Enough. Evidence of disrespect means that his respect is insufficient to generate more than just a little love in his heart. So, turn him into Mr. Dumped, because he will never become her Mr. Right even after decades of marriage.]

17. Each woman knows to compete to prevent conquest before she is ready for it. However, she isn’t aware of one part of the male nature. Her discouragement of his initiative wins his respect, which is the foundation of his love. After conquest, however, competing with him weakens her likeability, the very thing he expects to keep him in pursuit. [Guy adds: Directly resisting his dominance is to challenge him. He expects and accepts it before but not after conquest. Unfortunately, women have indirect ways of resisting submission after conquest, but it sours their own attitude and weakens their likeability.]

18. Her boyfriend’s dominant attitude is offensive, domineering, and borderline unacceptable. Red flags wave. What to do? She needs a boyfriend or potential groom. She may be desperate! This one may be her last chance! There have been so few possible candidates lately! What to do? [Guy adds: If she cannot stand to be that dominated before marriage, why should she expect him to be anything but worse after marriage? Men don’t change to please their woman except before conquest, and even that can be faked.]

Can you use some more wife-promoting situational awareness? Come back tomorrow.

 

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2048. Submission #06 — Courtship Alert


Out-shined yesterday by the article by My Husband’s Wife’s (at 2047), I nevertheless boost my spirits and continue with this series. As easily concluded from MHW, submission is merely a tradeoff for harmonizing a relationship. Men may demand it exclusively, but that makes it no more right that they are right about everything else. But women have to teach them the difference between submission and submissive, competition and cooperation, discord and harmony. Leadership by example is always the best teacher. It means the relationship expert must submit at times in order to teach her man to recognize, respect, and hopefully submit to her ways in domains for which she is responsible.

I continue with situations that make women more aware of what’s happening mentally between the sexes.

9. This should be on her premarital checklist. Whether she and he are Christians or Bible believers or not, she can still ferret out some answers or spot red flags. She explores and discusses how each feels about each other relative to these passages and their present and future relationship: Ephesians 5:22-33. From what he says but mostly what he does, she should be able to determine—over a lengthy courtship—much about his worth to her.

10.With no CEO, families flounder from lack of leadership. With one CEO, they can thrive on effective leadership. Two CEOs invariably disagree, dispute, or fight over leadership issues and confuse each other and the kids. More importantly, spouses too easily succumb to blaming each other when things do not turn out as agreeably planned, expected, or predicted. Finger pointing both cripples leadership and injects sour notes into family harmony. The most acceptable and effective assigning of blame is the finger that points inward by the person responsible. (You can’t blame someone if they’re not clearly responsible and endowed with sufficient authority to do what they should. Also, they lack sufficient authority if their decisions are questioned or criticized. That is, their spouse fails to submit.)

11. People have to submit all the time. Children to parents. Parents to God. Employees to boss. In effect, submission is a natural function of any authority relationship. Authority exists to provide the essential influence in one’s domain to fulfill their responsibility. By clearing up lines of responsibility ahead of time between man and wife, authority becomes clearer. Submission of one to the other in the domains for which they are responsible can lead to reciprocity and freedom from debate, resistance, and resentment. Examples: 1) Mother is chief child-raiser, nurturer, and disciplinarian. Father is her main provider/protector, supporter, and backup in her domains. 2) His domain is the home as chief executive officer. Her domain is how everyone will live in it as she is the chief operating officer. When push comes to shove, each submits to the other’s decisions in their domains. (Advice to wives: Always indirectly, in various ways keep impressing husband with this thought. When you make his castle in your home, he loves it. But don’t tell him that when he makes his castle in your nest, you can’t live with it. Caution: If you make it your castle, he may not stay around very long.)

12. Aggressively or too assertively playing the power struggle game is dangerous to a marriage. Eventually destructive forces lead to split up. Without each spouse having a submissive spirit in the other’s domains, constant turf battles ensue. Prevention being better than cure, distinctly different domains for which each is responsible and has authority to control it helps clear the air for who submits on what issues. For example: Wife determines menus for home meals. Husband determines where they eat out. Although unstated, both yield in the other’s domain to encourage rather than expect that each please the other. IOW, mutual acceptance of domain assignments generates cooperation. Avoiding competitive situations helps prevent disagreement and stifle resentment.

13. The natural form of marriage works as a power game with a husband presuming himself to be on offense and wife on defense. Her best defense is to not lose whatever influence she has, which challenges her to fight back, which happens frequently in the early years of a marriage. If she loses her influential ability, it neutralizes her interest and de-energizes her spirit to cooperate. Her second best defense is to gain greater influence, which comes through patience, indirectness, and submission as appropriate for peaceful negotiation.

Can you use some more wife-promoting situational awareness? Come back tomorrow.

——

NOTE: When I return to complete the Female Blessings at Birth series, I will be adding #91 phrased around this thought: Just as females are sex objects for men, men are romance objects for women. Without recognizing it, you’ve carried the conviction since birth.

 

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2047. Submission #05 — MHW’s Great Teaching Moment


A recent comment amazes me. To honor the author’s perspicacity, I interrupt the daily sequence to publish it as a sterling addition to this series. I sure wish I could make things as simple and clear. I trust you enjoy it as much as I.

The following comes without change as Her Highness My Husband’s Wife posted it at 2044.

This subject is so good with so many aspects to explore and think about. Wives/husbands/pastors always focus on the “submit” verse, but I believe there is great value to a wife in understanding the other half of the equation regarding her husband in Ephesians 5:25 (“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”) If you were to sum this verse up in one word, it would be “SACRIFICE.”

So then a wife looks at HOW a husband sacrifices DAILY for her…some examples would be:
• Working to pay the bills with a job he doesn’t particularly like = sacrifice
• Picking a practical vehicle to save vs. sports car = sacrifice
• Despite so many attractive women, being physically faithful to wife = sacrifice
• Giving up his independent lifestyle to be with her = sacrifice
• Spending less time with the guys to be with her = sacrifice
• Limiting time spent on hobbies to be about family business = sacrifice
• Quitting a partying lifestyle to be more family oriented = sacrifice
• Forgoing new camping equipment to buy household items = sacrifice
• Staying with her despite her failures/imperfections = BIG sacrifice
Of course each marriage is unique in the way husband gives up things for her and his family. It’s quite humbling when a wife sees really how much husband does which ultimately injects GRATEFULNESS for him into her heart. Of course he won’t always sacrifice perfectly as women don’t always submit perfectly.

I see this contrast in my marriage clearly when I compare my husband’s single friend to him. The single friend is all about buying whatever he wants, getting all sorts of women, doing what he wants/when he wants, he doesn’t always have to work, etc. etc. It’s every man’s “fantasy!” Then I look at my husband who has given up so much and his “independence” for the sake of “us” and it’s pretty amazing. It’s HIS version of “FREE TO SERVE” with his FREE WILL.

 

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2046. Submission #04 — From Discord to Harmony


Submission is founded on male self-serving biblical interpretations and expectations of male dominance. The harmonized married life starts with this simple cause-and-effect loop. Wife uses her submissive spirit to calm husband’s desire that she always submit, which weakens his need to use dominance to get his way, which makes her indirectly more influential, which further reduces his insistence on her submission, which enables him to let his dominance fade in favor of cooperating more with her, which enables her to continue moving around the loop until their decision-making process is sufficiently harmonized.

The numbered situations and pointers continue below. They provide a keener understanding of how such things work to wife’s advantage and to enhance husband’s ability to work as a team and appreciate her as a more valuable partner.

4. Submission is what men think they expect, which doesn’t mean they know what they want. It is a manly argument that men use to win their point, to act and appear dominant, to defend their seemingly invaluable role as provider-protector. They take the simple and easy approach. Submission is biblical and sounds natural and is therefore used as a male expectation. Women are far more detailed and precise in what they expect out of men, themselves, and a teamed-up couple.

5. Men expect female submission because it prevents challenges to the manly role of provider-protector, the man upon whom others depend. However, he’s the man upon whom also falls shortcomings in effectiveness. When women arbitrarily submit unto their husband—at his insistence rather than their own preference—they forgo their influential position and, incidentally, lose some of their man’s respect.

6. If men do not have to defend or prove themselves, they can be amenable and much less inclined to seek or require submission. Guess, who is most likely to prompt men to want to defend or prove themselves?

7. Women are foolish if they accept submission as men demand and claim it as privilege or natural right. Your best strategy is to ignore the subject in all its shades and even descriptions from the pulpit. Refuse to accept what you hear and don’t talk about it. Don’t get honked at what the pastor says and take it home. First, involving yourself in the subject does not advance your agenda. Second, it has the effect as getting in husband’s face, which puts him in competitive mode to defend his faux or real beliefs. In the final analysis, submission is not relevant to your future life anyway, so why accept it? Your in-born submissive and cooperative spirits, when used wisely, can neutralize husband’s dominance. Calm his insistence on submission, and you can subdue his dominance.

8. Some men are more controlling and domineering and expect more submission than others. They are easy to detect. When dating she watches. During courtship she explores. When engaged she validates. When married she works—very indirectly and patiently—to change it. All the time she dances around and watches for red flags. The greater his support that women submit, the greater her workload will be to convince him otherwise both before and after marriage, but that is another talent she inherits at birth.

Can you use some more wife-promoting situational awareness? Come back tomorrow.

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2045. Submission #03 — A Brighter Future Awaits


As shown earlier, logic and reason so favored by men actually turns the dark days of “You shall submit” into a greater day of “If it pleases me I will.” The real world takes on quite a different hue when wives are freer to harmonize their relationships. The numbered situations described below provide a deeper understanding of the problems wives may encounter trying to figure out how to make their submissive nature work to brighten their husband’s submission-expected future.

Remember that this entire series is framed within the primal nature of men and women without considering their personal situation or connections. Women have to figure out their situation from principles they can use.

The situations that follow make women aware of the multitude of challenges that can develop. Each requires her attention. No condition ever stands alone in a relationship. However minutely, each spouse has an interest in what the other thinks and does. For every right decision, there is another person who can and might judge it differently. Mistakes are ubiquitous because someone does something and the other calls it wrong, often without thinking. Therefore, in most of the following situations, recovery is possible for women and not an issue for management by men. Locked narrow-mindedly into the concept of ‘submission’, men philosophically have little or no talent for relationship management. Women, however, have the in-born adaptability to bond multiple home voices and conduct them harmoniously.

And you say, ‘but a good alpha male knows how to provide the leadership that leads to harmony’. And I say, don’t believe it. Alpha-determined leadership does not make harmony with the leader’s spouse involved. It just slows her except when he accedes to her silent, unobtrusive, unchallenging, indirect, but respectful leadership. OTOH, it can stop her breathing harmony into their home.

Women shine when they are fully aware of their situation. It keeps them focused on doing a harmonizing job and works best when their husband has been conditioned to listen.

  1. Major differences exist between these two terms. Submission is energized by competitive intent, the man’s staked-out side of life. “I’m the boss.” Submissiveness is energized by her cooperative spirit. “Us comes before you and me” is part of a woman’s life until she is driven away from it or learned otherwise earlier in life.
  2. Men expect female submission, but the female nature dodges it. Women expect to employ their natural submissive spirit to do what they think is best. When disagreements turn into competition, husband intends to dominate. When wife smoothes competition into cooperation that doesn’t offend his masculine prerogatives, husband goes along to get along. It takes awhile for men to learn it, but if they want their castle to resound with harmony, they must pay more attention to her. Otherwise harmony among multiple personalities will not prevail under the males’ hard-hearted leadership.
  3. Women live by and foster submissiveness, when they like themselves as female, their man as a mate, and their relationship for permanency. It helps capture a man, hold him, and prove that women don’t play the male game of competition but are very willing to play the far more harmonizing female game of cooperation.

Can you use some more wife-promoting situational awareness? Come back tomorrow.

 

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