1849. Sex Difference Redux—Part 91: Where Love Begins—07

Enduring love begins with your knowledge of men generally, your man particularly, and yourself intrinsically. It should follow romantic love that begins in your ears and his eyes, but which only lasts a year or two. This post cites ten more sex differences that you should balance in order for romantic love to morph into the enduring love that lasts a lifetime.

61. If your man sours on his marriage, past or present, he turns against marriage. If you sour on your marriage, past or present, you turn against men.

62. Your self-love provides a natural motivation to love other people. Conditions motivate your man; he loves to prove his significance at handling challenges posed by you and others.

63. Your man’s hard-heartedness comes from his primal nature. Your natural soft-heartedness fades, shrinks, and hardens when you continually ‘stand up inside’ in refusal or rejection, anger or rebellion. (Relationship experts, aka women, know how to use their natural soft-heartedness for long range effectiveness that offsets or compensates for their man’s hard-heartedness.)

64. You’re the expert on relationships and the ultimate authority on yielding sex. Your man is the expert on copulating and expects to be the primary authority on leaving or keeping a sex partner.

65. If you don’t need your man more than he needs you, you will tire and find him inadequate.

66. If you talk your man into marriage, it won’t last. Almost the opposite of yours, his devotion is to you instead of marriage. Your talk doesn’t generate it; only his attentive, affirming, and sacrificial actions on your behalf generate his devotion. (Consequently, long platonic courtships give him more time to generate more devotion to you until he finally realizes you’re his target for a lifetime together.

67. You instinctively think in terms of ‘us’ both before and after marriage. Your man instinctively thinks in terms of ‘you and me’ before marriage. If you marry but it wasn’t his idea to begin with, he will have trouble adopting ‘us’ beyond the altar. (You face no tougher task than getting your man convinced that marriage is his idea, is all he ever wanted, and is holy enough to be kept faithful.)

68. Your man’s marital entrapment of you bonds him. Your marital entrapment of him fools him once.

69. You see marriage as a monumental enhancement of life. To your man, it just happens, that is, according to his wishes but under your likeable cheerfulness, inspiration, and direction.

70. Your man is more frank when he speaks. If you offer him what he doesn’t want or can’t use, he will tell you. You, however, accept graciously what you don’t need or can’t use, but you do nothing with it and hope that memories fade away.

Hundreds of sex differences determine the outcomes of your interactions with men and your man. This ends the first 70 differences, but many more follow at ten per post.

1848. Sex Difference Redux—Part 90: Where Love Begins—06

Romantic love begins in your ears and his eyes, but it only lasts a year or two. Enduring love begins with your knowledge of men generally, your man particularly, and yourself intrinsically. This post cites ten more sex differences that you should balance to morph from romantic love to the enduring love that lasts a lifetime.

51. You specialize in loving others, especially family. Your man specializes at loving many things and even those outside the family, such as job, hobby, and sports.

52. You either teach boys and young men the requirements and finer details of dealing with females, or their hurricane of hormonal impulses guides them into adult life.

53. You as a girl dreamt about the right man and building a life together. Your man as a boy dreamt about doing things when he grew up. A mate sometimes filled the background, but she mostly appeared in a secondary role. (Because boys don’t dream much about mating up, they have to be taught how to do it well.)

54. You are more impressed by what you hear. Men are more impressed by what they see. (It makes romantic love easy to both rise and fall.)

55. You need to be shown affection but men don’t. Consequently, they are weak at providing it. Men need respect but women don’t, and so you are weak at providing it.

56. If your man cheats, you want to talk. If you cheat, he wants to walk.

57. Your enduring love builds around your primal need for a brighter future. Your man’s enduring love builds on respect for your self-respect, virtues, and likeability as his mate. (Sex plays a secondary role for the long term provided his immediate needs are met in the short term.)

58. You dream of a happy life with Mr. Right, but you learn in marriage that it’s up to you. Your man knows that he’s the right man for any woman, and he expects you to harmonize the home into happiness. (It’s a particularly tough-to-take trait that requires a lot of feminine shrewdness to harmonize anything much less the home.)

59. You value and focus primarily on who people are. Your man values and focuses primarily on what people do.

60. You focus strategically on the future and plan tactically for the present. Your man focuses on the present and plans tactically for the future. (Thus, you dominate the family future when you make your first priority to enable him to dominate the family present. The family rank structure of husband, wife, mother, father, kids that I describe elsewhere aids and abets you gaining such governance pressures.)

Hundreds of sex differences determine the outcomes of your interactions with men and your man. This ends the first 60 differences, but many more follow at ten per post.

1847. When Married Men Hit on You….

As they’ve done over the past half-century, females continue to join the man’s game. They make unmarried sex more popular, cheap, and easy. The lure of easy conquests makes men devote themselves to sex more than to one woman. Husbands hit on unconquered women as adventure, habit, or both.

If a ‘hittee’ responds with sex, the hitter’s conscience depends on his morals and devotion to wife, and he salves his conscience accordingly. If he gets negative results, just his ego is stirred. Intention does not make him unfaithful; men think that way contrary to female-think. If he does feel unfaithful after failing, his conscience guides him in another direction, which can have the accidental effect of making him feel good about indirectly honoring his wife and gaining self-admiration from it.

You ladies can help men re-domesticate themselves into better husbands. The secret lies in responding to hits by a married man in a way that stifles his libido by igniting his conscience.

WADWMUFGAO, we all do what makes us feel good about ourselves. I feel good coaching ladies to improve their lives with men. You take hits as compliments until you see a wedding ring. You may have a standard response that makes you feel good, such as a cutting remark that proclaims your abhorrence, sends him away, and gains a little revenge for the sisterhood. A stinging rebuke usually turns him away from you, but it does nothing to encourage faithfulness to his wife. That’s okay too, but it doesn’t make a better person of either you or him, and that’s where I hope to take this post.

(Women make people better or they don’t get that way. Society is what we all do and men dominate it. Culture is why we all do what we do, and women dominate it. Why we do something comes before what we do, which means: As women go, so goes society.)

Your reaction to a married hitter should start with NOT looking down on him as if cheaters are the lowest form of life. (Cheaters are used to it and pay no attention.) Instead, ignite his conscience to the disrespect that he exhibits for females. Leave him with questions that only he can answer or with challenges that uncover his character as lacking integrity. In essence, by hitting on you, he reveals that getting sex is more important than guarding his integrity. When reminded and given time to think about it, the male nature guides men to preserve their integrity rather than destroy it with immediate gratification. When it’s their idea to choose, mature men opt for integrity. When they hit on you, your objective is to send them away thinking it’s their idea to listen to their conscience when next they face the options of conquering a fresh target or preserving their integrity.

I suggest that you search the following list of possible replies, pick your favorite thought or combination, rephrase it to meet your personality, and practice it out loud before a mirror such that it rolls smoothly off your tongue immediately after a married man hits on you. (Make no exceptions about using it regardless of how good looking a hitter may be. When you make exceptions, you make yourself vulnerable. He perceives your weakness and is encouraged to continue assertively, which further weakens your defenses even after you’ve spotted his ring.)

Women are eager to show anger and put down men that are inclined to cheat. Such men may deserve it, but they’ve learned throughout life to recover from female anger and criticism. Don’t find fault or lay on guilt. Enable him to do that to himself. Try to open his heart for self-appraisal about faithfulness and conscience. Ask questions instead of preaching.  These potential replies are designed to show how to think the next time somebody’s husband hits on you.

• If God is against it, how can I be for it? Does that ring the bell in your (hitter’s) conscience? (Imply or follow up with something like this: If you wish to continue this chat, I’ll talk only about you, me and God. Shall we proceed? [Principle: You live up to someone higher than you; why shouldn’t the hitter do it? Devotion to God makes it easier to devote oneself exclusively to the right person.]
• I deal with sex only through mutual devotion. How much devotion to your wife do you plan on shifting to me? What features of your character are likely to inspire any devotion out of me? [Principle: Loyalty depends on devotion, which depends on character, which depends on integrity. God strengthens devotion by teaching each of us to become a better person.]
• Is your integrity important to you? Important to your wife? Doesn’t sex with another woman destroy your integrity? No? Well it does to most people who make themselves mature by escaping adolescence. [Principle: A cheater’s sexual activity equates to loss of integrity. Adolescents haven’t fully learned the blessings of fidelity.]
• What about me makes you think I could or would betray a sister female? You hope to sell me on one idea, but you hide it. You disrespect your wife and think that I should enable your disloyalty. How would your loss of loyalty and my lack of self-respect make us better people or earn the admiration of God? [Principle: Unmarried sexual activity doesn’t, but control of one’s lust does make better people.]
• You may claim to love your wife, but do you respect her as a person? I may respect her more than you. I can’t betray both my self-respect and a sister female by sleeping with her husband. Do you see cheating as betraying your mate? Or betraying your self-respect? [Principle: Cheating betrays one's mate.]
• Have you considered this? Men are never more handsome than when they mate with one woman for life. But some men manage to lose it. [Principle: It’s a compliment not really earned.]
• If you don’t respect your wife when with me, why should I disrespect a sister female by associating with you? [Principle: Respect is the most fundamental characteristic of successful human relations, and unmarried sex tarnishes mutual respect.]
• My daddy taught me this. If a man doesn’t respect his wife enough to be faithful, he won’t respect me at all. Daddy never lied. [Principle: Childhood teachings last for life. Mutual respect prevents mistreatment of others.]
• Making out on the fly is lovemaking on the sly, which I can do without . . . so goodbye. [Principle: Throw smoke around your departure (What did she say?) by stimulating his curiosity to interpret the full meaning of that couplet. It also ignites imagination, reinforces memory, and reminds of conscience.]

If the hitter can’t be discouraged and you can’t depart the scene, this may shut him up: “I can tell you where to find some strange, free, and safe sex. If he bites, tell him to try his other hand.”

I suggest you develop your own phrasing to make married men think about their conscience and integrity. Choose and use the thoughts above to combine your response into something easy to recall and use without embarrassing yourself. Rely on the principles for guidance.

——

NOTE: I dedicate this post to Tina M., a dear friend adopted into Grace’s and my Texas family of superstars. She inspired this article.

1846. Sex Difference Redux—Part 89: Where Love Begins—05

Romantic love begins in his eyes and your ears. Enduring love begins with your knowledge of men generally, your man particularly, and yourself intrinsically. Ingredients that require harmonizing in your relationship continue with another ten soundbytes.

41. You expect frequent gifts and signs of his giving heart to symbolize your man’s affection and, hopefully, unconditional love. He expects frequent appreciation and unconditional respect as signs of your dependence on him.

42. Your man expects the privilege of doing many things that do not necessarily concern you. You expect him to do things almost exclusively for and preferably with you and your children. Your expectations clash easily; he lacks your ability to harmonize those often-conflicting expectations.

43. You envy his freedom from family and you’re jealous when he exploits it. His nature doesn’t inspire him to think much about your lack of freedom from the kids. It’s another example of clashing expectations for which you’re better equipped to harmonize.

44. Your man respects and consequently falls prey to the mysterious, to what he can’t have, can’t earn, and can’t master—such as female modesty or a chaste female. You are more pragmatic, which inspires you to take advantage of such masculine uniqueness.

45. You tie love and sex together but consider love more important. Your man perceives it differently. Sex is a necessity but love is unessential. He accepts the combined results, because they have a pleasurable and anxiety-quieting effect on him, which produces a taming effect of him for her.

46. Your hard-headedness captures your man by charming, coaxing, and wheedling him away from his habit of trying to dominate you excessively. Your soft-heartedness keeps him.

47. Your love emanates from emotional connections with your own life and into which some attractive man enters. Your man’s love arises proportional to his unconditional respect for women generally and conditional respect for one woman particularly.

48. Conquest changes your man. He is no longer ‘in the hunt’ for you. Marriage changes you. Your new husband can be made better, and you’re just the one to improve him.

49. Dealing with the opposite sex, your man’s natural strength lies with directness and your best choice, tactic, and strength lies with indirectness.

50. You naturally dominate the future because your greatest need is for it to be brighter. Your man naturally dominates the present because of his interest in efficiency, effectiveness, competition, and results. (Male-dominated religions reject those natural imperatives. Our Judeo-Christian culture frees up and enables women to exploit those sex-unique forces of Nature to the advantage of women and children.)

Hundreds of sex differences determine the outcomes of your interactions with men and your man. This ends the first 50 differences, but many more follow at ten per post.

1845. Sex Difference Redux—Part 88: Where Love Begins—04

Romantic love begins with his eyes and your ears. Enduring love begins with your knowledge of men generally, your man particularly, and yourself intrinsically. How those factors combine to fit together continues with another ten soundbytes.

31. Love and sex are fine to your man, but they are marital fillers rather than glue. It works as glue for women, but you mistakenly apply it to men. Your man’s integrity about his virtuous character and personal responsibility marinate him with more family substance than love and sex.

32. You want, plan, and seek intimate comfort and companionship for the future and needy times if they arise. Your man seeks and expects to find comfort daily after work and relaxation to prepare him for tomorrow’s battles in his competitive world. (Compatibility starts with how well you harmonize those often conflicting expectations into your nest and his castle.)

33. You crave to associate closely with at least one strong, highly masculine figure. Your man craves freedom that sometimes includes your temporary absence. It’s his hunter conqueror nature coming out. (Yes, the same hunter-conqueror nature that hopefully you and women earlier in his life tamed into faithfulness by devotion and vows to one woman.)

34. For you unmarried ladies, chastity empowers you to dominate your relationships. Your dates and boyfriends make great effort to hide or ignore your dominion. They accept it, however, but return to their dominant persona after your first sex together.

35. You can integrate your strengths with a man’s, compensate for the weaknesses of both, and build success as a couple. He can’t. He lacks both interest and expertise for it.

36. You can tolerate an angry, aggressive man. When you turn that way, your man withdraws mentally if not physically. (Angry and aggressive are the antithesis of what men seek in a woman, they battle it daily with men, and so their interest in her wanes if and when she turns that way.)

37. You continually crave signs of your man’s love. He takes your love for granted. (Because he acts so unlike women, you feel his love must be sustained by you earning it, but he feels he deserves your love by virtue of your dependence on him. You needn’t earn his love, just show your dependence.)

38. Your man was born hard-headed and hard-hearted. Good mothering hopefully softened his heart to prevent mistreatment of you. Good fathering hopefully tempered his hard-headedness to treat all women respectfully and you affectionately.

39. Females are born hard-headed and soft-hearted. Good mothering teaches them when to use head and heart. Good fathering builds and strengthens a daughter’s confidence for balancing head and heart in her interests.

40. You expect your man’s faithfulness, which depends on his character and your trust. He expects continual assurance of your faithfulness, which he deduces daily and much more from actions than your words.

Hundreds of sex differences determine the outcomes of your interactions with men and your man. This ends the first 40 differences, but many more follow at ten per post.

1844. Sex Difference Redux—Part 87: Where Love Begins—03

Romantic love begins with his eyes and your ears. Enduring love begins with your knowledge of men generally, your man particularly, and yourself intrinsically. How those factors combine to fit together continues here.

21. Your man perceives your criticism as your reduced dependence on him, which he takes as less respect and gratefulness for who and what he is. On the other hand, you receive criticism, feel guilty, and usually do something as soon as you can figure out a way to fix the complaint and ease the guilt.

22. In spite of what you’ve heard and accept about winning your man by yielding sex, the way to a man’s heart continues to be through his stomach. Learning to cook far outweighs exotic or erotic appearance in keeping your man permanently devoted to you instead of sex—which could mean someone else.

23. You probably recognize that your man doesn’t love you as you love him. You love many people in many different ways. He has a single love: The person, occupation, or hobby that energizes, confirms, and upholds his sense of self-admiration the most. If you can’t appreciate, respect, and especially admire your man, don’t expect much loving appreciation to show up in his behavior.

24. Your man wants his abode, whether hut or castle, outfitted for his physical comfort. You want your nest lined with emotional comfort. Making up the difference calls for a wily chief nester and well-skilled wife.

25. The nature of your man’s behavior revolves mostly around competition and he tends to cooperate only when necessary or charmed into it by a shrewd woman. You prefer to cooperate first and compete only when necessary or challenged.

26. Your man thrives on your support and gratefulness for what he does; he knows that he deserves it. You thrive on his attentions that suggest devotion; it confirms your value to him and importance to yourself.

27. Your man’s desire for you to maintain his castle is much, much stronger than your natural objections to it. (But not your feminist-aligned objections, if any exist, or female ego opposition.)

28. Your man will call his abode a hut if he’s treated disrespectfully and call it a castle if he’s treated as the king. Your ego resists treating him as king, because you’re naturally driven to dominate your nest and his home. However, you’re blessed with the adroitness to merge and harmonize opposed self-interests.

29. When you want comfort and understanding, you seek to feel better by disclosing to a specific man and the dearer the better. When your man wants comfort and understanding, he does not disclose it but turns to a woman with whom he associates and can make himself feel better about himself.

30. Your man has several or many distinct missions in life—job, home, hobby, rest and relaxation. You have one mission—that of generating an ever-brightening, ever-rewarding life with a good man.

Hundreds of sex differences determine the outcomes of your interactions with men and your man. This ends the first 30 differences, but many more follow at ten per post.

1843. Sex Difference Redux—Part 86: Where Love Begins—02

Romantic love begins with his eyes and your ears. Enduring love begins with your knowledge of men generally, your man particularly, and yourself intrinsically. How those factors combine to fit together continues here.

11.  The more masculine you act, the less respectably and admirably appealing you appear to your man. The more admirably masculine he acts, the more appealing he appears to you. (If not true, then you, he, and perhaps both have likely bought into feminist-think.)

12.  After being criticized, you try to improve. Criticize your man and he proves it undeserved or you wrong. Either way you lose. He knows and values you highly for being able to correct him more indirectly. (Correcting him directly initiates competition which inspires him to avoid losing—to a woman.)

13.  You can expect your man’s immaturity to show up as mistreatment of you. If you mistreat him, look to yourself for immaturity. (Female-dominated maturation in childhood teaches one not to mistreat others.)

14.  Your man’s self-image is more important to him than his self-esteem. Confirming and expanding his self-image earns self-admiration that self-esteem does not. You are the reverse. Self-esteem is a foundation of your self-importance and self-image governs how you interact in life.

15.  You expect your man to provide affection; among other blessings it confirms your sense of self-importance. He expects to be admired as significant, so he focuses on your physical appeal and proving his significance in bed. He can’t understand why you don’t see it as fulfilling your expectation for affection. (It’s compounded by his nature not matching your craving for intimacy.)

16.  Just as yours wounds him, his sharp tongue wounds your spirit. A mature woman with a wounded spirit works harder to recover and do better. Men and immature females with wounded spirits seek someone else to nurse away their hurt. (Not taught in childhood to handle one’s hurts shows up later as reliance on others.)

17.  You can criticize your man and remain in love with him. Men can’t do the same. If he criticizes you, it weakens his respect and consequent love for you. Or, it signifies lack of his self-respect. (His respect for others is limited by his self-respect; our natures don’t allow us to share what we don’t have. In courtship, a man that persistently criticizes waves red flags as short of self-respect.)

18.  You are the relationship expert. Your man acknowledges his inferiority in this matter by paying little attention to the need for or the fulfillment of relationship maintenance.

19.  You can live with your man’s physical infidelity, but he can’t live with yours. You can’t live with his emotional unfaithfulness. He’s at a loss to understand it, but instinct tells him to argue to the contrary of whatever you assert. (Thus, he ends the competition of disagreement before he loses the argument—to a woman.)

20.  Your man’s drive to be head of the house far overpowers your natural objections to it. If you elevate him to chairman of the board, the vacuum makes you chief executive officer which empowers you perfectly for your other roles as chief nester, wife, and mother.

Hundreds of sex differences determine the outcomes of your interactions with men and your man. This ends the first 20 differences, but many more follow at ten per post.