Her Highness Anon at 1375 asked how to tell if husband is preoccupied with work or porn when his attention to her wanes. I aim this article at all women.
I focus on the possibility of it being porn. Caught once, a man has already developed a similar defense in case he’s caught again; it worked for him the last time. So, unless he’s surprised out of his wits, he’s not likely to change his behavior permanently.
He was caught doing it before, should you ask about it this time?
If it’s your idea that he give up porn, it’s not likely that he will do it with a committed spirit. It didn’t work the first time. So why even ask? It’s merely an invitation for him to find more devious ways to keep it hidden.
If forgoing porn is his idea because something else is more important, he might give it up, might break an addictive habit. That means you have to make yourself more important in his life than however important you are today. So, how do you do that?
There’s really only one way and you may not like the final result. So, you have to first make a choice. Which is more critical to your interest and well-being? 1) His presence even if he watches porn; you can adjust in order to protect the marriage. 2) It’s either porn or you. You’re unable to tolerate his porn viewing whether habit or addiction.*
Let’s take 1) first. You are already doing whatever it takes, so just continue as before.
If you choose 2), it’s another matter that should start here.
- Don’t blame the “other woman,” that is, don’t even mention porn. It’s irrelevant to you. If he’s doing it, it’s his business. So, neither complain nor explain anything about it. Keep it off the table should any negotiation develop later. His inadequate actions where you are concerned is the problem.
- Claim this problem, lay plans to take action, and let him know. You are not loved sufficiently; you need someone who can be and is more attentive, affectionate, intimate, and dependable in all those things. Thus, you intend to withdraw from the marriage. Shock works wonders.
- Don’t explain much more. It’s your conclusion supported by the facts that he can recognize as easily as you. The more you explain or complain, the more ammunition you give him to argue the opposite. With more ammo, he can alibi, change the subject, and otherwise charm or promise you into submission. Which enables him to win with just a temporary change of porn habits in order to convince you of his sincerity. That is insufficient to prompt a permanent dropping of either porn habit or addiction.
- As you proceed with plans for the breakup, it should soon become obvious if you are more important than before and hopefully more than his habit or addiction. If it looks like you are the more important, give him room and encouragement to show it as you expect it. But drag out the breakup plans. Enable his more attentive and affectionate behavior more time to develop into good habits; remember that his actions program his heart. He will have realized that porn is breaking up his marriage to—hopefully—the most important person in his life.
- One needs three months or more to permanently change an unwanted habit. Your plans will probably turn porn into his unwanted habit so have patience and understanding while he undergoes self-weaning from it. Apply gentle pressure to get more attention, affection, and intimacy and indirectly praise and reward him for showing it.
- Should he bring up porn as culprit, habit, or addiction, in addition to all that above, make other sleeping arrangements and stop all sex. Porn is cheating on you, so he can have his ‘other woman’.
- Throughout this process and as if you’re preparing for the next man in your life, make yourself more attractive daily. Cultivate the practice of early morning mirror time as described in several articles with mirror in the title. Stimulate his sexual imagination especially if you stop sexual relations. Try to look and act more like the gal he married.
- If it becomes obvious that you are not the most important, the plans for breakup have been made and can be carried out. Peace and harmony will not reign in your home until you as wife are the most important figure in his eyes. Men need frequent reminding and some need it more often.
Throughout all of the above, the deeper your belief and more determined your intention, the more respect and importance you will recapture from him. He may not make it sound that way in order to rebut your positions, but it will happen if there’s any love left in his heart. The easiest way for you to lose is to lose your self-confidence that what you are doing is the right thing to do.
Contrary to the way you may interpret that above, I don’t recommend busting up a marriage over porn. Using it as a threat, however, may well induce husbands to abandon a detrimental habit and regain the ambition of preserving their marriage. Whether it works or not leaves the wife with two options. Whichever is best for her as wife and perhaps mother of children, work it out or dump him.
* You can bring his porn watching out in the open, argue and fight defending each other’s position, and manage the turmoil that will certainly follow. Before long every shortcoming will be blamed on his porn watching or your reaction to it. Suspicion brings out the worst side of people, and it may or may not lead ultimately to breakup.