Whether a bridegroom’s virginity is attributable to willpower or lack of opportunity, the honeymoon suite threatens him.
Masculine abstinence during hormone-filled years empowers the buildup of doubt, anxieties, and fears. They accumulate, compound during courtship, and make him a poor candidate for the most exciting moment in his life.
The virginal groom arrives at the honeymoon bed. Angst floods his mind. Bride will either enjoy it or not, but that’s not the prime issue. He intends to give it his best effort, but hormone-driven emotions interfere dramatically.
He has dreamed long and hard about this ‘first time’ objective: Make sex work so as not to shame or embarrass himself. However, anticipation eats at his confidence. Lack of experience pushes him to focus on Act II. It’s natural. It’s where his performance counts, where he MUST prove himself to himself, or the honeymoon is lost. (He can’t just dump her, if he shames himself.)
The threat of failure further weakens self-confidence. Consequently, the virgin bridegroom enters marriage full of negative emotions that flow from denying his hormonal nature for so long. He also faces many more obstacles:
- Too much anxiety causes pre-ejac, which causes the worst kind of shame and virtual disgrace. She feels compelled to encourage him with well-meaning sympathy, but even bridal softening still registers as near-disgrace in front of his most valued possession.
- Or, anxiety pushes him to bypass Act I. She’s not ready, and his premature release disappoints her. He may dodge immediate embarrassment, but it’s not forgettable to her.
- Every groom expects his wife to be FULLY appreciative of his sexual prowess, if not at first, then shortly after. If he hasn’t faced feedback from other females, he won’t have experience to accept her responses as evidence and consequent restorers of his self-confidence.
- Whatever her feedback, it’s the measure of his prowess. His nature tries to affirm that he performed well, that what he dreamed came true. But any lack of effusiveness by her automatically means he’s inadequate. If bride isn’t absolutely enthralled with his sexual prowess, the conqueror has failed. He paid her price, marriage, then why isn’t she excited about WHAT she captured for her bed? Where has he failed?
- Consequently, sexual anxiety and performance are enemies, but bride expects to help. She wants deeply to welcome him into knowing her. However, she faces her own anxieties, the prospects of pain, and uncertainty how to coach without hurting his feelings.
If he embarrasses himself, his mind opens for ways to recover his conquering spirit and sexual self-respect. He loads up his mind with other alternatives, what to do now or next; not all of it deals exclusively with her. Consequently, virgin husbands are susceptible to self-induced withdrawal pressures, if bride finds his sexual prowess lacking.
Act III intimacy, which she relies on to finalize his true appreciation of her, doesn’t register that way with him. It’s more a responsibility and hence duty than his natural desire. However, abstaining from sex during courtship allows her opportunity to teach him the importance of intimacy that can improve his Act III performance. It tests their mutual willpower greatly, but it’s a major benefit of bride ‘raising’ a virgin groom.
Did unmarried abstinence soften his heart, make him more considerate of her sensitivities? If so, then groom’s virginity can be beneficial to her. But, again, that doesn’t necessarily translate into less anxiety and fear for him.
Don’t take the preceding to mean that I demean male abstinence and the meaningful relationships that flow from it. I don’t. It’s just that the male nature has characteristics that can make the honeymoon bed much less than brides expect, and the truly virginal groom more likely worsens it.
This concludes the series, but post 26 also touches on the issue.
EDITOR’S NOTE: In the end, virgin bridegrooms are set up for failure. Methinks the abstinence movement among males was born out of the feminist drive for equality within girlhood abstinence programs. It sets men up for failure and provides a female to witness his humiliation. The connection seems so obvious that I presume the feminist spirit created it.